To have said I won’t go?

Leaveitou · 2024-02-15T20:33:17+00:00

Friend we will call ‘S’ and I often go out drinking on the weekends and having a good time out (late 20s and childless). S asked me to go to an event they could arrange free tickets for that they knew I’d love so I said yes and we made the plans about 2 months in advance to the event. S then informs me that their friend group (FG) from home would visit my city as they aren’t local to attend the event with us. I said absolutely no problem, more the merrier and I’ve met them previously so no issues there. Now to the issue - event isn’t all night long so we planned to continue the night with our usual bars like always however FG requested we go to a bar that is the one place I cannot attend. I reminded S that I couldn’t go to that bar and they said how much FG really loved it last time they visited and want to go again. I said I am thinking of not going to the event then as I don’t want to go for everyone to then leave me to go to a place they know I can’t go. S thinks I’m being ridiculous to cancel the whole night and thinks it should be enough that I’m going to the event. AIBU to not go? I won’t enjoy the event knowing that they will ditch me to be selfish arseholes and go somewhere I can’t go knowing I can’t when there are plenty of other bars. Especially stings as the original plan did not involve these people but now S thinks it’s their responsibility to play host to them and go where they want with no regard to how that’s made me feel?

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/02/2024 20:36

Why can't you go to the bar?

TheSnowyOwl · 15/02/2024 20:37

It’s up to you but I don’t see the issue in doing the bit you can do and then either meeting up with others or having an early night.

StarlightLime · 15/02/2024 20:38

Are you barred?!

whosaidtha · 15/02/2024 20:40

Why can't you go? Can you really not go or are you being fussy? Go. Don't go. Up to you.

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 15/02/2024 20:40

Whether they are being selfish or not depends on why you can't go to the bar imo.

If you've been banned for doing something stupid then I wouldn't be catering my night around that, if something awful happened and you have PTSD, then that's a bit different.

YANBU to not want to go though, that's totally up to you.

PackingupTime · 15/02/2024 20:41

StarlightLime · 15/02/2024 20:38

Are you barred?!

Or an Ex works there?

Octavia64 · 15/02/2024 20:41

I think a lot depends on why you can't go.

You're in a wheelchair and the bar they want to go to is upstairs with no lift - they're arseholes but it doesn't surprise me.

You don't want to go because you had wild sex with one of the barmen and don't want to bump into him with your new boyfriend...

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/02/2024 20:42

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 15/02/2024 20:40

Whether they are being selfish or not depends on why you can't go to the bar imo.

If you've been banned for doing something stupid then I wouldn't be catering my night around that, if something awful happened and you have PTSD, then that's a bit different.

YANBU to not want to go though, that's totally up to you.

Quite.

CharmedCult · 15/02/2024 20:44

Awaits massive drip feed...

meganorks · 15/02/2024 20:46

Sounds a bit like cutting off your nose to spite your face. You are getting to go to an event for free. Can't you just do that bit and suggest going to some other bars you are allowed in after. They can then carry on to the place you aren't allowed or maybe not. Just see where it goes.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/02/2024 20:47

CharmedCult · 15/02/2024 20:44

Awaits massive drip feed...

🍿

savethatkitty · 15/02/2024 20:51

Maybe re think your life choices if you are late 20's, out drinking every weekend & barred for making an arse out of yourself somehow. Cringe

FrenchandSaunders · 15/02/2024 20:54

Why can’t you go there? That’s essential info!

AlisonDonut · 15/02/2024 20:55

Allergies?
Barred?
You are two positive magnets and cannot be in the same place at the same time?

BobbyBiscuits · 15/02/2024 20:56

If I were you I'd either go then leave if you are unable to go to this bar (Please tell us why?), or not attend at all. It's your choice. They clearly have their hearts set on going there and like it. There will always be a next time so don't let it bother you.

Original poster

Leaveitou · 15/02/2024 21:19

So people think it’s okay to drop someone from plans for the sake of going to one specific bar when there are countless others?

and I’m not banned for doing something stupid. An ex partner was basically 2 timing me and another woman last year and neither of us were aware. The other woman involved works in that bar. We both got extremely hurt from the situation and spoke about it and decided it would be best that I don’t go into the bar as one it’s her work so she can’t exactly leave if I do which would be so disrespectful of me to put her in that position and it just makes it easier for us both to move on if we aren’t reminded of that hurt by seeing each other

OP posts:

Original poster

Leaveitou · 15/02/2024 21:21

savethatkitty · 15/02/2024 20:51

Maybe re think your life choices if you are late 20's, out drinking every weekend & barred for making an arse out of yourself somehow. Cringe

I work very hard all week, I can’t go out and socialise in a bar on the weekend?

OP posts:

Froggy99 · 15/02/2024 21:22

Leaveitou · 15/02/2024 21:19

So people think it’s okay to drop someone from plans for the sake of going to one specific bar when there are countless others?

and I’m not banned for doing something stupid. An ex partner was basically 2 timing me and another woman last year and neither of us were aware. The other woman involved works in that bar. We both got extremely hurt from the situation and spoke about it and decided it would be best that I don’t go into the bar as one it’s her work so she can’t exactly leave if I do which would be so disrespectful of me to put her in that position and it just makes it easier for us both to move on if we aren’t reminded of that hurt by seeing each other

Is there really a massive chance of you bumping into her? Seems a bit immature to avoid each other for all eternity anyway 🤨

Thementalloadisreal · 15/02/2024 21:27

Leaveitou · 15/02/2024 21:19

So people think it’s okay to drop someone from plans for the sake of going to one specific bar when there are countless others?

and I’m not banned for doing something stupid. An ex partner was basically 2 timing me and another woman last year and neither of us were aware. The other woman involved works in that bar. We both got extremely hurt from the situation and spoke about it and decided it would be best that I don’t go into the bar as one it’s her work so she can’t exactly leave if I do which would be so disrespectful of me to put her in that position and it just makes it easier for us both to move on if we aren’t reminded of that hurt by seeing each other

Could you find out whether she’s working that night, or maybe speak to her ahead of time and give her a heads up. Depending how long ago it was, maybe it’s time for it to become water under the bridge for the two of you

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 15/02/2024 21:29

Leaveitou · 15/02/2024 21:19

So people think it’s okay to drop someone from plans for the sake of going to one specific bar when there are countless others?

and I’m not banned for doing something stupid. An ex partner was basically 2 timing me and another woman last year and neither of us were aware. The other woman involved works in that bar. We both got extremely hurt from the situation and spoke about it and decided it would be best that I don’t go into the bar as one it’s her work so she can’t exactly leave if I do which would be so disrespectful of me to put her in that position and it just makes it easier for us both to move on if we aren’t reminded of that hurt by seeing each other

You want everyone to not go to a bar they all really like in case you happen to bump into a woman that your ex cheated on you with, despite her not knowing?

That's an absolutely ridiculous reason and I wouldn't be taking any part in it either.

You can go and just avoid going up to the bar, or you can let your ex continue to ruin parts of your life.

Original poster

Leaveitou · 15/02/2024 22:36

despite her not knowing?
She does know. I clearly said her and I had a conversation that I wouldn’t go into her place of work.

This stuff only happened a few months ago. Imagine she was having a bad day and feeling shit about the situation and then the other woman walks in. I’m not going to put anyone in that situation.

OP posts:

Original poster

Leaveitou · 15/02/2024 22:39

Is there really a massive chance of you bumping into her? Seems a bit immature to avoid each other for all eternity anyway 🤨

Its immature to not want to see the woman my exP (who we’d discussed marriage and had a baby loss with) was cheating with ? If that makes me immature then god help me. And yes I’d bump into her. It’s a small bar.

OP posts:

Hiddenvoice · 15/02/2024 22:43

I wouldn’t cancel the whole night because of one bar. I would go to the event as planned and then I’d probably just head home.

I understand you want to avoid seeing this other woman but you might bump into her anywhere. She may also not work there anymore so I wouldn’t be holding yourself back and missing out on opportunities just because of this. Sorry to say but you also can’t dictate the plans of others. If they all want to go then you either go to the event then go home or you take the risk and go to the bar.

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 15/02/2024 22:45

Leaveitou · 15/02/2024 22:36

despite her not knowing?
She does know. I clearly said her and I had a conversation that I wouldn’t go into her place of work.

This stuff only happened a few months ago. Imagine she was having a bad day and feeling shit about the situation and then the other woman walks in. I’m not going to put anyone in that situation.

I meant it's not like she knew about you when he was cheating.

You honestly can't expect several people to change their plans for a night out because your ex cheated on you.

ZebraD · 15/02/2024 22:46

Honestly…get a grip. Go to the bar. Enjoy yourself!