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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said I won’t go?

283 replies

Leaveitou · 15/02/2024 20:33

Friend we will call ‘S’ and I often go out drinking on the weekends and having a good time out (late 20s and childless).
S asked me to go to an event they could arrange free tickets for that they knew I’d love so I said yes and we made the plans about 2 months in advance to the event.

S then informs me that their friend group (FG) from home would visit my city as they aren’t local to attend the event with us. I said absolutely no problem, more the merrier and I’ve met them previously so no issues there.

Now to the issue - event isn’t all night long so we planned to continue the night with our usual bars like always however FG requested we go to a bar that is the one place I cannot attend. I reminded S that I couldn’t go to that bar and they said how much FG really loved it last time they visited and want to go again. I said I am thinking of not going to the event then as I don’t want to go for everyone to then leave me to go to a place they know I can’t go. S thinks I’m being ridiculous to cancel the whole night and thinks it should be enough that I’m going to the event.

AIBU to not go? I won’t enjoy the event knowing that they will ditch me to be selfish arseholes and go somewhere I can’t go knowing I can’t when there are plenty of other bars. Especially stings as the original plan did not involve these people but now S thinks it’s their responsibility to play host to them and go where they want with no regard to how that’s made me feel?

OP posts:
Shakespeareandi · 15/02/2024 22:54

I'd cancel the whole night. It's not very supportive of your friend to insist on going there. Sounds like you went through a horrible time w your ex and being cheated on. I'd speak with my friend again and see what she says. I can't imagine leaving a friend behind when they have a very legitimate reason not to go there. A true friend wouldn't even see that bar as an option, and make sure you're all happy with choice of place. Hope it gets sorted.

BendingSpoons · 15/02/2024 22:55

I get where you are coming from. You and your friend made plans and now someone else is involved and wants to go to the one place you don't. Assuming this is just one bar of several, it seems unnecessary to need to go to that one.

Do you have the option of other plans? If not, I'd go, explain after why you would prefer to go elsewhere and be prepared to head home if not. You would be annoyed if you didn't go and they ended up in a different bar anyway.

BendingSpoons · 15/02/2024 22:57

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 15/02/2024 22:45

I meant it's not like she knew about you when he was cheating.

You honestly can't expect several people to change their plans for a night out because your ex cheated on you.

Show quote history

I think this would be fair enough if the plans were already made but it sounds like the other friend was the add-on to the plans, but was the one to dictate the plans, thereby pushing OP out.

PegasusReturns · 15/02/2024 23:03

I’d cancel the whole night.

Your reason for not going to the bar is the very opposite of immature: it’s decent, boundaried and totally understandable.

Your friend is being shitty and given the total lack of understanding you’ve had on this thread I wouldn’t want to be in a position where you have to hear nonsense about getting a grip from his FG

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/02/2024 23:06

Leaveitou · 15/02/2024 22:39

Is there really a massive chance of you bumping into her? Seems a bit immature to avoid each other for all eternity anyway 🤨

Its immature to not want to see the woman my exP (who we’d discussed marriage and had a baby loss with) was cheating with ? If that makes me immature then god help me. And yes I’d bump into her. It’s a small bar.

Could you message and ask her if she's working as your friends want to go there rhat night?

If you were being really sneaky you could get her to give their description to the bouncer to ID them - someone wont have ID- so they go somewhere else with you. BUT I don't recommend that drama it's just an idea!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/02/2024 23:06

PegasusReturns · 15/02/2024 23:03

I’d cancel the whole night.

Your reason for not going to the bar is the very opposite of immature: it’s decent, boundaried and totally understandable.

Your friend is being shitty and given the total lack of understanding you’ve had on this thread I wouldn’t want to be in a position where you have to hear nonsense about getting a grip from his FG

I agree with this more than my own post x

barkymcbark · 15/02/2024 23:13

I think you're cutting off your nose to spite your face. Go and enjoy the event then go home or meet other friends afterwards

MidnightSerenader · 15/02/2024 23:17

barkymcbark · 15/02/2024 23:13

I think you're cutting off your nose to spite your face. Go and enjoy the event then go home or meet other friends afterwards

I was literally coming on to say this.

By all means though, strop and cancel the whole night.

The only person who will suffer will be you, though.

Original poster
Leaveitou · 15/02/2024 23:27

Some of the more recent replies are seeing my point. The plans were made, S knows this bar isn’t somewhere I go. To add some context, I live in Liverpool. There is absolutely no shortage of bars. We have a whole area of the city centre that is streets and streets of bars. For this group to add themselves on to plans and then push me out by being adamant they are now going to go to this place is hurtful.

Its literally them saying ‘we’re going to continue the night, but you can’t come so your night is finished when we decide it is’.

I really don’t see how I’m spiting myself by having a bit of a back bone to say if you think you can just shunt me off when it suits you then I won’t attend at all. At the end of the day, it’s a bloody bar. A wholly ordinary bar among about 25 in the area that they’ve been to ONE time. It’s not like they have some deep attachment that justifies sending someone from the group home at their decision.

OP posts:
ButWhatAboutTheBees · 15/02/2024 23:50

But these people are from out of town and like a particular bar....

We have a whole area of town dedicated to bars, doesn't mean people don't have favourites or ones they specifically visit if they are in the area.

And I think you're being a bit OTT to avoid the bar because your ex cheated on you with the woman who works there. You CAN avoid her - don't go to the bar whilst she's serving etc. She needs to be able to deal with people in her work place she doesn't get on with or at least say "can you clear X's table because I'd rather avoid them"

Musntapplecrumble · 15/02/2024 23:56

I get you OP and I'd be upset S dint think of that, too...can't FG go to that bar for bit and you and S meet them elsewhere after?

JMSA · 15/02/2024 23:56

YABU, sorry.

Ponderingwindow · 16/02/2024 00:33

I don’t understand why you can’t go enjoy the event and that be a full night.

Original poster
Leaveitou · 16/02/2024 00:43

Ponderingwindow · 16/02/2024 00:33

I don’t understand why you can’t go enjoy the event and that be a full night.

Because that wasn’t the plan? And why would I want to go to an event with people who won’t choose another bar to accommodate me being able to attend? Would you want to go with people who were happy to leave you out when it suits them?

OP posts:
Guavafish1 · 16/02/2024 00:53

I see why you'd be upset. I would go to the event only.

It's annoying to impose social restrictions on others too.

Tatonka · 16/02/2024 00:56

I think your reason is legitimate as to why you don't want to go to that bar, and that your friend isn't a good one to pick the only bar you can't go to. That's not a friend. I'd cancel the night and the friendship (and I don't say that lightly)

Tatonka · 16/02/2024 00:57

Saying that with the assumption of course there are plenty of other options in the same vicinity

YoungCuriousAndLookingForAnswers · 16/02/2024 01:13

I see your point, OP. However, I think I'd go the the event as it's a shame to miss out on that. Suggest to the group (when you see them in person) that you go to a couple of other bars first so you can continue the night and then you'll leave them after this so they can finish up in their chosen bar. Although, they might not even make it there if they find somewhere else equally to their liking.

Downunderduchess · 16/02/2024 01:17

Is this TOWIE?? Sounds like an episode

asdunno · 16/02/2024 02:05

I'd either go to the event and leave them after or just sit this one out

WandaWonder · 16/02/2024 02:08

I would either go or stay home and watch one of the soaps, you can go to the bar you are choosing not too

InAPickle12345 · 16/02/2024 02:13

PegasusReturns · 15/02/2024 23:03

I’d cancel the whole night.

Your reason for not going to the bar is the very opposite of immature: it’s decent, boundaried and totally understandable.

Your friend is being shitty and given the total lack of understanding you’ve had on this thread I wouldn’t want to be in a position where you have to hear nonsense about getting a grip from his FG

I wholeheartedly agree with this. You sound like an incredibly mature woman, who knows that bumping into this woman is going to ruin both of your nights. Even the consideration you've given on this thread for how she might feel in the middle of her workday is commendable.

I'd bow out of the whole night, because I'd feel the same as you... 'we had a plan, these other people joined and you knew why this plan wouldn't suit me but you still want to proceed'.

Nope! Treat yourself to some beautiful skincare, a nice take out and some TV. This one is one for skipping.

I think you sound great by the way and I'm sorry this prick hurt your (and her) so much X

Starlightstarbright3 · 16/02/2024 02:18

Not only would I go I also would go to that bar . No way would I avoid a bar because someone who cheated with your ex might be working ..

if you did nothing wrong why should you . I would also tell my friends it will be there round

InAPickle12345 · 16/02/2024 02:23

Starlightstarbright3 · 16/02/2024 02:18

Not only would I go I also would go to that bar . No way would I avoid a bar because someone who cheated with your ex might be working ..

if you did nothing wrong why should you . I would also tell my friends it will be there round

Have you missed the bit where the other woman was also fucked over and hurt?

The bit where the OP was mature enough to have a conversation with this woman and understand this hurt?

The bit where OP is considerate enough to not want to bump into this woman for both of their sakes?

Your comment is suggesting that she just go and flaunt herself having a good time in this bar, on front of this woman, when things are so recent and raw, and there are numerous other bars she could go to. If it was 2 or 3 years down the line then yes, she might not have to consider this situation so carefully. But it's not, it's a recent hurt.

OP is absolutely making the right decision IMO

WandaWonder · 16/02/2024 02:27

InAPickle12345 · 16/02/2024 02:23

Have you missed the bit where the other woman was also fucked over and hurt?

The bit where the OP was mature enough to have a conversation with this woman and understand this hurt?

The bit where OP is considerate enough to not want to bump into this woman for both of their sakes?

Your comment is suggesting that she just go and flaunt herself having a good time in this bar, on front of this woman, when things are so recent and raw, and there are numerous other bars she could go to. If it was 2 or 3 years down the line then yes, she might not have to consider this situation so carefully. But it's not, it's a recent hurt.

OP is absolutely making the right decision IMO

Show quote history

I would go, no man is worth any more of a second thought if he did this to me I don't need to prove anything to anyone other than muself and a man is not going to stop me going where I want they don't have that much power, even though they will have no idea I am there