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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said I won’t go?

283 replies

Leaveitou · 15/02/2024 20:33

Friend we will call ‘S’ and I often go out drinking on the weekends and having a good time out (late 20s and childless).
S asked me to go to an event they could arrange free tickets for that they knew I’d love so I said yes and we made the plans about 2 months in advance to the event.

S then informs me that their friend group (FG) from home would visit my city as they aren’t local to attend the event with us. I said absolutely no problem, more the merrier and I’ve met them previously so no issues there.

Now to the issue - event isn’t all night long so we planned to continue the night with our usual bars like always however FG requested we go to a bar that is the one place I cannot attend. I reminded S that I couldn’t go to that bar and they said how much FG really loved it last time they visited and want to go again. I said I am thinking of not going to the event then as I don’t want to go for everyone to then leave me to go to a place they know I can’t go. S thinks I’m being ridiculous to cancel the whole night and thinks it should be enough that I’m going to the event.

AIBU to not go? I won’t enjoy the event knowing that they will ditch me to be selfish arseholes and go somewhere I can’t go knowing I can’t when there are plenty of other bars. Especially stings as the original plan did not involve these people but now S thinks it’s their responsibility to play host to them and go where they want with no regard to how that’s made me feel?

OP posts:
OhNoWhatIf · 16/02/2024 08:58

savethatkitty · 15/02/2024 20:51

Maybe re think your life choices if you are late 20's, out drinking every weekend & barred for making an arse out of yourself somehow. Cringe

Don't be a twat.

elcee23 · 16/02/2024 09:02

It seems totally unnecessary for them to go to that exact bar in a city packed with other bars where all of you could have a great night. Can they explain why this bar is a must?

From their attitudes so far, they don't sound like a group I'd be comfortable going out drinking with. Are they willing to ditch you and leave you walking about alone after you've been drinking? Not my kind of people tbh. They have shown their lack of consideration now and knowing what they're like is probably going to affect the group dynamic even if you do go.

One idea for a compromise if you still wish to go - S is at the heart of the problem as she did the inviting. You could all go to the event, FG go to the bar if they're that desperate to go and you and S go elsewhere for a few drinks, then meet up at the next bar?

JaneKatSuttonGoals · 16/02/2024 09:02

I understand your pov completely and think it's mature & honourable. Your friends less so.
Unless it's unfeasible I would still go to the event though if it was something I really wanted to do though and would still enjoy. Play it by ear on the night - plans change - but be prepared to get taxi home. Oh and don't go out with this friend again.....

PegasusReturns · 16/02/2024 09:04

Give it a couple more years and you’ll realise what a drama queen you (and this alleged OW) are being. But as you’ve said, you’re only in your 20s so carry on acting like a tit for now, you’ll be dying of the cringe soon enough

@MorningSunshineSparkles im surprised you didn’t cringe yourself to death typing that spiteful post Hmm

Redcar78 · 16/02/2024 09:05

I understand you not wanting to see this woman but YABVU to expect a group of people who aren't really your friends to change their plans for you. They're traveling to attend this while you live in the city, you can just go to the bits you want then go home or you can ruin your own night and stay home sulking 🤷‍♀️

viques · 16/02/2024 09:10

Why are you letting your ex partners infidelity run your life? Take back control of who you are and where you go otherwise his actions are controlling your decisions.

if you need to then message the poor woman who was as deceived as you were and say that you are letting her know that you will be in the bar on xx date.

The best thing to help you heal would be you and her having a chat, if she is up for it, about Mr Cheat and sharing your contempt for him.

Megifer · 16/02/2024 09:10

They are being pathetic, if I was in the FG and heard the reason I'd back you up. Sorry they are shits op.

Id still go to the event though I think and just go home afterwards.

TheShellBeach · 16/02/2024 09:10

Moro93 · 16/02/2024 04:20

I think you sound like a spoilt brat tbh.

If S wants to accommodate friends from out of town, that’s up to them. Quite rightly so if they spend pretty much every weekend with you and sees them less often.

You’re cutting off your nose to spite your face. You’re the one who’ll be missing out by not attending the event. You don’t have to go out drinking afterwards to have a good time.

It all sounds very immature…

No.

The OP is the very opposite of immature, and she doesn't sound like a spoilt brat, either.

She has shown sensitivity and a generous spirit towards another woman, when they were both unknowingly hurt by the same selfish man.

The OP's main friend is the one who is showing herself up in all of this. She must know the circumstances and she could easily have suggested another venue/bar for the extended group to go to after the main event.

Picklestop · 16/02/2024 09:11

Leaveitou · 16/02/2024 04:35

@Moro93 I’m a spoiled brat because my friend invited me to do something I was really excited for and now they’ve changed the plans and I either choose to not go or be ditched as soon as the event is finished while they all carry on their night without me? If my friend wanted to do that, they shouldn’t have invited me in the first place.

They haven’t ditched you, you have ditched yourself. And as to other people coming, isn’t this just something that can happen with groups of 20 year olds, that others sometimes come along, didn’t you yourself say the more the merrier?

It is polite to accommodate out of town friends when they visit and want to go somewhere in particular, for whatever reason. Your reason for not going to the bar is valid for you, but it is hardly PTSD and to expect a group of people to boycott a bar they like because you have poor taste in men is really over the top. But by all means throw your toys out of your pram, sulk and miss the event. Maybe even end your friendship as well. All over some cheating bloke. 🙄

Katiesaidthat · 16/02/2024 09:13

As I see it, she has stood you up in effect for a better offer. I would feel hurt by that. I wouldn´t do this to my best friend and I know she wouldn´t do it to me. I wouldn´t insist on going to a place where my friend will feel uncomfortable and not enjoy herself. The rest is bull.

Tlolljs · 16/02/2024 09:15

viques · 16/02/2024 09:10

Why are you letting your ex partners infidelity run your life? Take back control of who you are and where you go otherwise his actions are controlling your decisions.

if you need to then message the poor woman who was as deceived as you were and say that you are letting her know that you will be in the bar on xx date.

The best thing to help you heal would be you and her having a chat, if she is up for it, about Mr Cheat and sharing your contempt for him.

This is what I was trying to say @viques said it better than me.

MadamVastra · 16/02/2024 09:16

savethatkitty · 15/02/2024 20:51

Maybe re think your life choices if you are late 20's, out drinking every weekend & barred for making an arse out of yourself somehow. Cringe

The sheer nastiness of you is dripping all the way through this post

Daffodilsandsunshine · 16/02/2024 09:17

Will you regret cutting off your nose to spite your face wrt the event/gig? If not don't go. But if yes, why not go to the event as you have a ticket and then meet up with other friends elsewhere and these "out of town friends" can carry on with her to the bar you want to avoid? Not sure why they're picking that particular bar out of all in that city, and I agree your friend is being unreasonable knowing your situation.

Braksonsboss · 16/02/2024 09:20

WandaWonder · 16/02/2024 02:27

I would go, no man is worth any more of a second thought if he did this to me I don't need to prove anything to anyone other than muself and a man is not going to stop me going where I want they don't have that much power, even though they will have no idea I am there

Edited
Show quote history

Absolutely this. You are allowing a man to dictate your choices long after the event. Get him out of your head and the other woman needs to do the same.

Toptotoe · 16/02/2024 09:21

I think you already know the answer. Don't go. Your friend is in a tricky situation so I'd go easy on her and just say 'I don't want to come out anymore' You don't have to fall out over it.
As someone else said, have a night in with a good box set and treat yourself.

JoB1977 · 16/02/2024 09:26

How are so many people missing the point that OP is actually trying to do the decent thing here? I hate the term but she’s basically sticking to ‘girl code’ even when it’s to her detriment. Let’s face it, she could turn up to the bar with a group, the other woman (who will be sober if she’s working) will be totally blindsided and upset because she won’t be expecting to see her. OP could just ignore her and continue her night but she has previous agreed not to do this and is sticking to her word. How can no one else see this is a good thing?
OP - it would seem as if friend was happy to do this thing with you until another offer came along, now she doesn’t care if you go or not. What you do with that knowledge is up to you.

Lurkingandlearning · 16/02/2024 09:26

If this was a possibility I’m sure you would have already thought of it, but on the off chance- will there be other people you know in any of the bars after the event. Perhaps not close friends but who would be happy for you to hang out with them to finish your night off.

Or do any of the bars have live music? I sometimes go to those on my own and people are so focused on the band I don’t feel conspicuously alone.

I’m just thinking of ways you can still attend the event and enjoy the rest of the evening and maybe have a better time than you would with those selfish fuckers anyway.

Jook · 16/02/2024 09:32

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 16/02/2024 07:31

Why should my night be at the mercy of people who are basically strangers.

They probably think the same thing.

Exactly.

Trulyme · 16/02/2024 09:33

I think you’re cutting your nose off to spite your face.

You say this is an event you would love but you’re now throwing your toys out of the pram because people aren’t doing what you want to do.

The friends that live out of town get priority.

You’ve said yourself you go out most weekends with your friend, so it’s not fair that your choices trump friends that aren’t seen as often.

If you’re going to act like this then perhaps it’s best you stay home, so you don’t ruin it for everyone else.

ILoveMyCatButHesAPervert · 16/02/2024 09:37

Of course YANBU not to go. PPs are twisting themselves into knots to insist you should go. For what? It doesn't sound like you'd enjoy it now they have shown you where you come in their priorities, and you sound happier to stay in. S is no friend.

PunishmentSnart · 16/02/2024 09:43

I’m dying to know which bar it is and why they are adamant to go? Is there something special about it? @Leaveitou

NoOrdinaryMorning · 16/02/2024 09:48

savethatkitty · 15/02/2024 20:51

Maybe re think your life choices if you are late 20's, out drinking every weekend & barred for making an arse out of yourself somehow. Cringe

You've just made that up. WTF

BronwenTheBrave · 16/02/2024 09:49

Some weird replies here. I am 100% behind you OP. No solutions but I know I would be really pissed off.

OhNoWhatIf · 16/02/2024 09:51

@savethatkitty come back and explain why someone in their late 20's is cringe for sociallising at the weekend?

StevieNicksWannabe · 16/02/2024 09:53

I haven't RTFT, only OP responses. Just wanted to say that I 100% agree with the OP. If I was in the same position, I'd make the same choice.

Your friends are indeed being 'Mean Girls', and they are the selfish ones. I'd be dropping all of them. I can't fathom the responses saying you are being petty or spiteful. Know your value and don't accept less.