To have said I won’t go?

[Leaveitou]

Friend we will call ‘S’ and I often go out drinking on the weekends and having a good time out (late 20s and childless).
S asked me to go to an event they could arrange free tickets for that they knew I’d love so I said yes and we made the plans about 2 months in advance to the event.

S then informs me that their friend group (FG) from home would visit my city as they aren’t local to attend the event with us. I said absolutely no problem, more the merrier and I’ve met them previously so no issues there.

Now to the issue - event isn’t all night long so we planned to continue the night with our usual bars like always however FG requested we go to a bar that is the one place I cannot attend. I reminded S that I couldn’t go to that bar and they said how much FG really loved it last time they visited and want to go again. I said I am thinking of not going to the event then as I don’t want to go for everyone to then leave me to go to a place they know I can’t go. S thinks I’m being ridiculous to cancel the whole night and thinks it should be enough that I’m going to the event.

AIBU to not go? I won’t enjoy the event knowing that they will ditch me to be selfish arseholes and go somewhere I can’t go knowing I can’t when there are plenty of other bars. Especially stings as the original plan did not involve these people but now S thinks it’s their responsibility to play host to them and go where they want with no regard to how that’s made me feel?

I think I’d be trying to find out if she was working that night. She might not even work there any more.

MN is just plain weird sometimes

OP, I wouldnt go. This FG sound awful and S doesn't have your back. You and S made the plans first. Then FG march in and start dictating. Of all the bars you could all go to, FG are insisting on this one. They know what they're doing and it's downright nasty.

If the cheating happened years ago, and its very likely the OW doesn't even work there anymore, I could understand their point of view. But it was just a few months ago, the OW does work there and this is still all very raw and painful for both you and OW.

Knowing all this and still insisting on that bar is cruel and I wouldnt be going to the first event because I couldn't enjoy it knowing these Mean Girls were being bitches and ruining an evening that they have just tagged onto.

These are horrible people, including S.

If I was your friend I'd offer to come with you to a nearby bar and let FG go to the other bar without us and agree to meet up after an hour and carry on together. I don't think you are being unreasonable.

We always went with majority rules so if everyone else wanted to go somewhere I couldn’t then they went and I didn’t. That doesn’t make them arseholes it makes them the dominant group.

The reason for not going to the bar sounds odd to me. If neither you nor the other woman did anything wrong then there’s no need to hide away from each other. Yet earlier on you referred to yourself as the OW in which case I’d understand why you wouldn’t be welcome in the bar.

It all sounds very childish. Go out with other friends after the event. You must have more than one surely?

If you're 'pub crawling' and they're only going to said bar for an hr or so I'd just go somewhere else for that hr (another bar/pub, read something on my 'phone, or go get some food or something) but if they're planning to stay all night I'd probably just attend the event and then go home. It's a one off. Whether they're being unreasonable does depend on your reasons for not going though.

I seem to be going against the grain here but I totally understand your perspective. Sounds like it would be an unpleasant and painful situation if you saw each other as it’s still quite raw. I think your friend is being unkind to you knowing this information and still going rather than suggesting to the other friends that there are other bars you can ALL go to. Not much of a friend to not respect this and my friends would absolutely stand by me and not even entertain the idea of going somewhere that caused me upset. Whether you go really depends on how much you’d like to go to the event beforehand and see these friends. Maybe in person on the night they will be more understanding and agree to go elsewhere. If not, then part ways and wish them a good night but rethink the company you keep in the future.

I don’t think the FG like you very much. It’s very petty and silly of them to absolutely insist they must go to this particular bar - what’s so special about it?! Like you say, there are hundreds of bars.

I think you’re right to be pissed off as it shows what they think of you and it’s not positive.

Read your update now, I think they're being unreasonable a little. I'd still go off by myself for a bit if they're not going to be there long. Liverpool on a Saturday night isn't going to mean you're wandering around alone, just find one of the nicer, quieter places and have a glass of wine by yourself until they've come out. Not possible if they want to stop there all night obviously!

And friend S spends as if she's wanting to be impressive to accommodate her FG. Has she told them your reasons do you know?

YANBU. Your friend S is a dick and so are her friends.

I can't work out if some posters are compleltely unempathetic or just thick

So it might be best to go to the event at which point you can discuss with FG and they will totally understand and not insist on going. If they do then they are all a bunch of twats!

unlikely given the general tone of this thread!

it’s nothing to do with letting OPs ex control her. In the scheme of things avoiding one bar in a big city shouldn’t even register as an issue.

the point is, whether PPs would have made the agreement or not, OP did agree to stay away from the OW workplace, reneging on that would be a crappy thing to do, I can just imagine the post:

3mths ago my DP cheated on me, I really loved him and we’d talked a lot about a future together, it turned out he had a whole other life with a LT girlfriend. I’m was so humiliated and betrayed. The GF spoke to me - she seemed nice and was also devastated - and we made an agreement to stay out of each others way.

I work in a bar and on Friday night she came in with a group of friends, they were really full on, partying and obviously having a fab time. It was like a sucker punch, I was so shocked I burst into tears and now my manager is giving me a hard time. She promised she wouldn’t come to my work and now she is rubbing my face in her happiness whilst I’m left feeling awful and suffering at work as a consequence.

Come on now. It's only been a few months after she found out the man she had shared the joy of pregnancy and the devastation of miscarriage with, the man she was intending to marry and who was apparently intending to marry her, was in a relationship with another woman - one who was also unaware of her and devastated to find out. It's been a few months, not a few years - she's handling it very sensibly and it's not just about her but about honouring her agreement she made with the other victim of the situation. That's maturity. That's class. And regardless of whether anybody else thinks she's allowing him to still have too much influence over them both, she has not insignificant reasons to not want to visit one ONE bar out of many. S and her FG know this and are still insisting on going to the one bar that they know OP won't feel comfortable in. They're not dragging her their for her own good to get over the man, they're just totally ignoring her feelings and preferences - in a night out that evolved from just S and the OP going to a ticketed event. Their behaviour is unbelievably childish and selfish.

It's irrelevant what you would do though. This is what OP has decided to do, and what she has agreed with OW to do.

Personally I think if you really want to go to the event then you are cutting off your nose to spite your face if you don’t go at all.

Do you not have any other friends you could meet up with in another bar after the event while the others go to the one you don’t want to go to?

My friends Ex cheated on her with someone who works at a local country park where the chances of seeing her are quite small, but she would never be able to relax for fear of seeing her and being put in an awkward situation. We don't go there if we are meeting her we go somewhere else (we are both mums so normally meet for walks or to visit play parks rather then drinking these days)... Why try to force her into a situation where she will be uncomfortable especially when there are plenty other options just a bit further away? Your friend is really dropping the ball here. She should just be telling her FG they can go there next time.
Is there anyway you could take a different friend to this event? And just avoid S and the Whole FG?
I'm sorry you are in this situation OP

They sound selfish to be honest and I would feel the same as you, I’d be cancelling. Completely understand why you’d not want to go to that particular bar!

OP, YANBU at all. Of course you don't want to go to the OW place of work - I wouldn't either. The people on here saying you are BU are totally minimising how traumatic it is to be cheated on - why on earth would you ever ever put yourself in a situation where that wound would be opened afresh by coming face to face with the OW. And to those suggesting you find out whether she will be working there that night, how the fuck are you supposed to do that exactly??? Ask her manager for her rota?? Very often the first page or two of responses on AIBU will be from really judgy, dismissive types who are itching to stick the boot in. Ignore them. YANBU.

Would you really want to socialise with people who would happily do that to you?

Well you’re right of course it’s not about what I would do. If op has made an agreement with the ow then that’s that. I guess you either just go to the first part of the night out then go home. Or don’t go at all. It doesn’t seem like fg are going to change their plans over this so those are your only two options.

Give it a couple more years and you’ll realise what a drama queen you (and this alleged OW) are being. But as you’ve said, you’re only in your 20s so carry on acting like a tit for now, you’ll be dying of the cringe soon enough.

Surely a compromise would be to go to other bars then they end the night in the one you can't go to, and you make your way home. Have you suggested that?

It sounds like you're showing more empathy and consideration for the woman with whom your ex partner was cheating, than your alleged friends are showing you.

It seems entirely understandable that you wouldn't want to go to that particular bar when things are still so recent. If you were talking about something that happened 3 years ago that would be different, I think, but it sounds like it's just been a few months?

I'd be upset with S too OP. It's almost like she's had a 'better offer' and is dumping you as a result just to keep 'in' with FG. Quite cruel really. Then again, she's trying to keep everyone happy and we all know that can never happen; someone always gets short-changed.

If I had been S, I would have said to FG 'we all know why friend can't go to that particular bar so lets go to XYZ instead'. If FG say 'nah' then I would have said 'ok, you crack on, me and friend will go elsewhere after the event'. Not hard.

Op the problem is with your so called friend.
She knows what your situation is but wants to accommodate
these friends first even though she invited you first.
I personally wouldn't go.