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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said I won’t go?

283 replies

Leaveitou · 15/02/2024 20:33

Friend we will call ‘S’ and I often go out drinking on the weekends and having a good time out (late 20s and childless).
S asked me to go to an event they could arrange free tickets for that they knew I’d love so I said yes and we made the plans about 2 months in advance to the event.

S then informs me that their friend group (FG) from home would visit my city as they aren’t local to attend the event with us. I said absolutely no problem, more the merrier and I’ve met them previously so no issues there.

Now to the issue - event isn’t all night long so we planned to continue the night with our usual bars like always however FG requested we go to a bar that is the one place I cannot attend. I reminded S that I couldn’t go to that bar and they said how much FG really loved it last time they visited and want to go again. I said I am thinking of not going to the event then as I don’t want to go for everyone to then leave me to go to a place they know I can’t go. S thinks I’m being ridiculous to cancel the whole night and thinks it should be enough that I’m going to the event.

AIBU to not go? I won’t enjoy the event knowing that they will ditch me to be selfish arseholes and go somewhere I can’t go knowing I can’t when there are plenty of other bars. Especially stings as the original plan did not involve these people but now S thinks it’s their responsibility to play host to them and go where they want with no regard to how that’s made me feel?

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 16/02/2024 02:29

Leaveitou · 15/02/2024 22:39

Is there really a massive chance of you bumping into her? Seems a bit immature to avoid each other for all eternity anyway 🤨

Its immature to not want to see the woman my exP (who we’d discussed marriage and had a baby loss with) was cheating with ? If that makes me immature then god help me. And yes I’d bump into her. It’s a small bar.

Are you really going to let that jerk live in your head like that?

That's exactly what you're doing by avoiding places because of him.

You're putting that nonsense first over your friend group.

InAPickle12345 · 16/02/2024 02:35

@WandaWonder A man is not stopping her going anywhere. Her respect for this other woman, and her respect for herself and understanding of how seeing this woman will affect her evening, is stopping her going through with these plans. I think that self awareness is so admirable.

This piece of shit man has caused this, yes. But OP is being incredibly mature, understanding and boundaried in recognising what the ramifications of this night could be for her and this other woman Particularly on a (presumably) boozy night out in Liverpool

I actually really admire her, this woman has her head screwed on

WandaWonder · 16/02/2024 02:38

InAPickle12345 · 16/02/2024 02:35

@WandaWonder A man is not stopping her going anywhere. Her respect for this other woman, and her respect for herself and understanding of how seeing this woman will affect her evening, is stopping her going through with these plans. I think that self awareness is so admirable.

This piece of shit man has caused this, yes. But OP is being incredibly mature, understanding and boundaried in recognising what the ramifications of this night could be for her and this other woman Particularly on a (presumably) boozy night out in Liverpool

I actually really admire her, this woman has her head screwed on

I would not assume anything of the other woman that is her to deal with, if I did nothing wrong I would have no issue going or blaming anyone because I can't go, this 'I have decided how you feel' towards another person is not mature to me

I would not use this even as an excuse to have a go at friends or anyone in my group who chose to go to this bar, I would just go

InAPickle12345 · 16/02/2024 02:39

@RantyAnty but they're not her friend group. One of those girls is her friend.

I wouldn't risk having a shit night out and being upset because I've had a few drinks and saw the woman my ex was cheating with on a night out... when there are so many other places they could go. They're not in a village with one bloody pub available.. they're in Liverpool!

And you know, the fact that the OP gives a shit about what this woman might feel if she came into her workplace is commendable. OP is a good egg who's been fucked over and she doesn't need to subject herself to unnecessary upset. There's plenty of other bars in Liverpool for fucks sake

InAPickle12345 · 16/02/2024 02:46

@WandaWonder your last post is a bit difficult to decipher

OP isn't assuming anything about the other woman... she's literally spoken to her and knows she was fucked over and hurt by this prick as well. She says this is the case. This other woman has done nothing wrong either.

You're obviously a woman with more balls than most (and I genuinely love women like that, with a 'Fuck You' attitude). But OP is obviously concerned about this, she'll be worrying about it all night if she goes and she's kind enough to consider the other poor woman in this situation. There's plenty of other bars to go to and her 'friend' knows why she doesn't want to go there. She had a fucking MC for Christ's sake.. with this man who was cheating with this woman she could maybe bump into. This woman who ALSO had no idea about her!

This is not what I want from my boozy night out, and all my girlfriends would never dream of putting me in this position.

I think OP is a gem of a woman and I hope she enjoys a great night in x

ILoveMyCatButHesAPervert · 16/02/2024 02:53

savethatkitty · 15/02/2024 20:51

Maybe re think your life choices if you are late 20's, out drinking every weekend & barred for making an arse out of yourself somehow. Cringe

What a dick reply. I think quite a few of us are now cringing for you.

WandaWonder · 16/02/2024 03:05

InAPickle12345 · 16/02/2024 02:46

@WandaWonder your last post is a bit difficult to decipher

OP isn't assuming anything about the other woman... she's literally spoken to her and knows she was fucked over and hurt by this prick as well. She says this is the case. This other woman has done nothing wrong either.

You're obviously a woman with more balls than most (and I genuinely love women like that, with a 'Fuck You' attitude). But OP is obviously concerned about this, she'll be worrying about it all night if she goes and she's kind enough to consider the other poor woman in this situation. There's plenty of other bars to go to and her 'friend' knows why she doesn't want to go there. She had a fucking MC for Christ's sake.. with this man who was cheating with this woman she could maybe bump into. This woman who ALSO had no idea about her!

This is not what I want from my boozy night out, and all my girlfriends would never dream of putting me in this position.

I think OP is a gem of a woman and I hope she enjoys a great night in x

To me it is sort of control thing 'I have decided because we had a conversation now this person will be upset if they see me' when the other women may not even give the OP a second thought

sure different topic but same when people assume they are being judged by school 'mums' or because someone has posted a nice beach on social media it is deliberately to make other people jealous or 'this person is doing this just to annoy me' it is not all about them

If people I know chose to go to a place I either go or not, I don't come up with some back story to get out of not going

letstrythatagain · 16/02/2024 03:05

savethatkitty · 15/02/2024 20:51

Maybe re think your life choices if you are late 20's, out drinking every weekend & barred for making an arse out of yourself somehow. Cringe

Crikey this is very harsh!

InAPickle12345 · 16/02/2024 03:18

@WandaWonder but she knows the other woman will give her a second thought... in her 2nd post she says they've literally spoken, and agreed that OP won't go into that one bar that this woman works at. Not a huge ask when there's plenty of bars in Liverpool.

She's not assuming anything, she's holding up their side of the agreement for the sake of both of their feelings. She's 100% doing the right thing by both her and this woman IMO.

She's choosing not to go, she's not 'making up some back story' to get out of going. There literally IS a back story that is very relevant.

And I think OP is a good woman for how she wants to handle this, by simply not going. op doesn't need this shit in her life. It's just 1 night out, she can do without it, and the potential agro it might bring. (And I also think her friend is shit)

Moro93 · 16/02/2024 04:20

I think you sound like a spoilt brat tbh.

If S wants to accommodate friends from out of town, that’s up to them. Quite rightly so if they spend pretty much every weekend with you and sees them less often.

You’re cutting off your nose to spite your face. You’re the one who’ll be missing out by not attending the event. You don’t have to go out drinking afterwards to have a good time.

It all sounds very immature…

Original poster
Leaveitou · 16/02/2024 04:35

@Moro93 I’m a spoiled brat because my friend invited me to do something I was really excited for and now they’ve changed the plans and I either choose to not go or be ditched as soon as the event is finished while they all carry on their night without me? If my friend wanted to do that, they shouldn’t have invited me in the first place.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leaveitou · 16/02/2024 04:35

@InAPickle12345 You’ve understood my points perfectly and thank you for the kind words.

OP posts:
InAPickle12345 · 16/02/2024 04:35

@Moro93 A spoiled brat? This woman was in what she thought was a serious, committed relationship, they had discussed marriage, she was pregnant and she suffered a miscarriage... then found out her partner was cheating on her? With a woman who also didn't know what was going on.

This woman had the maturity and dignity to speak to the other woman and they came to an agreement that they would avoid each other. And she wants to uphold that agreement.

But you think she's a spoiled brat for not going out on the lash with a group of women, who aren't her friends, they're just friends of her friend???

Honestly, I think if this situation were different, and OP was due to meet her in a business meeting the comments would be different.

All OP wants to do is just not go to the night out at all because of the hurt it might cause to her, and this other woman. I think she's an incredibly empathetic and self aware woman. She should be very proud of herself.

Original poster
Leaveitou · 16/02/2024 04:38

@InAPickle12345 I do think if it was a slightly different situation people wouldn’t react the same.
If a mum came on here and said ‘DD has been invited to X thing with friends but they’ve changed the plan and she has to go home while they all continue to X thing’ people would be calling that group mean girls.

OP posts:
Moro93 · 16/02/2024 04:39

@InAPickle12345 @Leaveitou
Yes, I stand by what I said.

I’m not saying OP is a spoilt brat for wanting to avoid this woman/bar. That’s understandable. However, why can’t she go to the event? It isn’t essential to go out for drink’s afterwards. If, as she said, the event is something she would enjoy then why would she want to miss it? She’s not exactly ‘being ditched’ afterwards if it’s planned beforehand. People are allowed to spend time with other friends so maybe S has done this on purpose as she wants some alone time with the FG.

Moro93 · 16/02/2024 04:42

Leaveitou · 16/02/2024 04:38

@InAPickle12345 I do think if it was a slightly different situation people wouldn’t react the same.
If a mum came on here and said ‘DD has been invited to X thing with friends but they’ve changed the plan and she has to go home while they all continue to X thing’ people would be calling that group mean girls.

Perhaps, but a child/teenager wouldn’t exactly be in this situation and also, you’re a grown woman! You should have emotional maturity enough to understand that things can’t always be catered to you.

WandaWonder · 16/02/2024 04:42

Leaveitou · 16/02/2024 04:38

@InAPickle12345 I do think if it was a slightly different situation people wouldn’t react the same.
If a mum came on here and said ‘DD has been invited to X thing with friends but they’ve changed the plan and she has to go home while they all continue to X thing’ people would be calling that group mean girls.

If a mother came on here and said 'my daughter wont go to the cafe because the girlf her ex BF girlfriend cheated on her works there and now she has decided she can't go in there' I would still say the exact same things I said

InAPickle12345 · 16/02/2024 04:46

Moro93 · 16/02/2024 04:39

@InAPickle12345 @Leaveitou
Yes, I stand by what I said.

I’m not saying OP is a spoilt brat for wanting to avoid this woman/bar. That’s understandable. However, why can’t she go to the event? It isn’t essential to go out for drink’s afterwards. If, as she said, the event is something she would enjoy then why would she want to miss it? She’s not exactly ‘being ditched’ afterwards if it’s planned beforehand. People are allowed to spend time with other friends so maybe S has done this on purpose as she wants some alone time with the FG.

Well to be frank, it S has done this 'on purpose' then she's a fucking bitch... end of. But I'd like to think she's just been inconsiderate and not thought properly of the ramifications for OP

Mothership4two · 16/02/2024 04:47

Tatonka · 16/02/2024 00:56

I think your reason is legitimate as to why you don't want to go to that bar, and that your friend isn't a good one to pick the only bar you can't go to. That's not a friend. I'd cancel the night and the friendship (and I don't say that lightly)

I agree with this.

What are they expecting you to do, suddenly cut your evening short when they decide they want to go there and leave you on your own? They don't sound like friends. Back in the Dark Ages when I was out with friends in my 20s we would never split up the group.

Posters saying go to the bar anyway are missing the point.

Grimchmas · 16/02/2024 04:47

I would be thoroughly unimpressed with my friend for this. She made plans with you primarily, then added FG at a later date. There are plenty of bars, it sounds really fucking childish for your friend to insist that they simply must go to the one place that it would be very hurtful for you to go to, having arranged a night out with you in the first place. She and her FG can go another time (are they only staying one night?).

InAPickle12345 · 16/02/2024 04:55

@Moro93 @WandaWonder you're both missing the point that OP was in a committed relationship, they'd discussed marriage, she had a miscarriage because of a pregnancy with this man. Just because she want fucking married to him doesn't make it any less devastating.

And I'm blown away by the fact she spoke to this other woman, blown away that they came to an agreement to avoid each other. Talk about dignity. So many women hate each other over these situations with men. not the OP, she had the maturity to discuss this and make and agreement with this woman, and agreement she wants to uphold.

@Leaveitou I think it you're awesome, you're absolutely dealing with this in the most dignified manner you can, your friend is fucking shit but let them go and have their night out. I wouldn't go to the main event either knowing there are tons of bars they could go to but this is the one they chose.

I want to send you fancy skincare for the lovely night in you're going to have, treat yourself, it's 1 night, yours definitely not missing out x

Original poster
Leaveitou · 16/02/2024 04:57

Grimchmas · 16/02/2024 04:47

I would be thoroughly unimpressed with my friend for this. She made plans with you primarily, then added FG at a later date. There are plenty of bars, it sounds really fucking childish for your friend to insist that they simply must go to the one place that it would be very hurtful for you to go to, having arranged a night out with you in the first place. She and her FG can go another time (are they only staying one night?).

This is exactly my point! The plans were originally S and myself. S wouldn’t have expected to go to this bar before FG were added. They knew the situation. They started doing the ‘are you sure you couldn’t go to X bar’ thing and I knew what would end up happening. That’s why I asked them to confirm they wouldn’t just all go after the event and leave me alone. They were dancing around it, saying how much the FG wanted to go. So they knew they’d not only leave me, but by not just coming out and saying it straight - that they were being a twat about the fact they knew they would go regardless

OP posts:
Original poster
Leaveitou · 16/02/2024 05:00

@InAPickle12345 a night in is definitely on the cards. Probably for the best to fully rest up before it’s back to the grind after half term on Monday (I work with KS1 children). And this friend is probably one in the past.

OP posts:
pasturesgreen · 16/02/2024 05:00

Sorry you're having a hard time on this thread, OP.

Fwiw, I completely get why you'd rather not go at all now the goal posts have changed. In your place, I'd do the same. S's behaviour sucks, a friend should stick up for you, not ditch you as soon as a better offer comes along. I'd be thinking long and hard about this particular friendship.

InAPickle12345 · 16/02/2024 05:11

Leaveitou · 16/02/2024 05:00

@InAPickle12345 a night in is definitely on the cards. Probably for the best to fully rest up before it’s back to the grind after half term on Monday (I work with KS1 children). And this friend is probably one in the past.

Given your last update about them dancing around the issue and not even having the balls to tell you what they were doing straight, leaving this friend in the past is probably a good option.

I really do think you're a very impressive woman OP, such dignity and understanding, don't let these fucking twats ruin it on some shitty night out you'll probably regret anyway.

What date is the night out? I'll be looking forward to seeing some update of you in a dressing gown and face mask, stuffing yourself with take out!