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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said I won’t go?

283 replies

Leaveitou · 15/02/2024 20:33

Friend we will call ‘S’ and I often go out drinking on the weekends and having a good time out (late 20s and childless).
S asked me to go to an event they could arrange free tickets for that they knew I’d love so I said yes and we made the plans about 2 months in advance to the event.

S then informs me that their friend group (FG) from home would visit my city as they aren’t local to attend the event with us. I said absolutely no problem, more the merrier and I’ve met them previously so no issues there.

Now to the issue - event isn’t all night long so we planned to continue the night with our usual bars like always however FG requested we go to a bar that is the one place I cannot attend. I reminded S that I couldn’t go to that bar and they said how much FG really loved it last time they visited and want to go again. I said I am thinking of not going to the event then as I don’t want to go for everyone to then leave me to go to a place they know I can’t go. S thinks I’m being ridiculous to cancel the whole night and thinks it should be enough that I’m going to the event.

AIBU to not go? I won’t enjoy the event knowing that they will ditch me to be selfish arseholes and go somewhere I can’t go knowing I can’t when there are plenty of other bars. Especially stings as the original plan did not involve these people but now S thinks it’s their responsibility to play host to them and go where they want with no regard to how that’s made me feel?

OP posts:
Original poster
Leaveitou · 16/02/2024 05:20

InAPickle12345 · 16/02/2024 05:11

Given your last update about them dancing around the issue and not even having the balls to tell you what they were doing straight, leaving this friend in the past is probably a good option.

I really do think you're a very impressive woman OP, such dignity and understanding, don't let these fucking twats ruin it on some shitty night out you'll probably regret anyway.

What date is the night out? I'll be looking forward to seeing some update of you in a dressing gown and face mask, stuffing yourself with take out!

Show quote history

It’s Saturday!

OP posts:
Newchapterbeckons · 16/02/2024 05:28

If you were my friend, I would insist the group go elsewhere so you could join us, yes. It makes no difference to anyone.
I would be unimpressed with friend, prioritising the group when it was our night out. If you have lots of friends and opportunities I would cancel and wouldn’t rush to catch up again.

MiltonNorthern · 16/02/2024 05:36

savethatkitty · 15/02/2024 20:51

Maybe re think your life choices if you are late 20's, out drinking every weekend & barred for making an arse out of yourself somehow. Cringe

I think she should rethink her life choices if she isn't late 20s and out drinking every weekend while she has the chance

MiltonNorthern · 16/02/2024 05:39

Your friend is being a right cow. I'd be very disappointed in her if I were you and you're not unreasonable to avoid this bar.

IloveAslan · 16/02/2024 05:59

Seriously, do grown women really behave like this?

Either go to the bar with the others, or go home. Stop making such a drama of it.

10ThousandSpoons · 16/02/2024 06:03

I think its awful of them to expect you to go there if they know why you can't bring yourself to go there. Why would they do that to a friend? There are lots of other bars surely.

I guess it's up to you, either go to the event or yeah don't.

10ThousandSpoons · 16/02/2024 06:04

I'd say something like "it's clear you want to prioritise FG on this one so I'm out"

BlastedPimples · 16/02/2024 06:06

I don't even think you need a good reason to not want to go to a particular venue. You are allowed to express a preference just like your unexpected guest is, for some reason, so very keen to go to this particular bar.

There are bars and restaurants I don't particularly like for no massive reason. But you do have a good reason regardless.

There are loads of other bars to go to. Why is this particular one so preferable to the new participant?

You've already been gracious in accepting someone else joining the evening. Why do they get to decide venues?

Tlolljs · 16/02/2024 06:10

Trouble is if you avoid this bar it’s still all about him. I understand why you don’t want to go there, however I wouldn’t not go somewhere because of a prick like that.
He’s still having too much of an influence over you both.

Daffyaboutdaffs · 16/02/2024 06:19

I’m wondering if S has informed FG of your situation or if she just wants to go to this bar anyway. I can’t imagine being an FG from out of town who insists on going to this bar if I knew the situation. So it might be best to go to the event at which point you can discuss with FG and they will totally understand and not insist on going. If they do then they are all a bunch of twats!

Somepeoplearesnippy · 16/02/2024 06:24

I think YABU. To cancel the whole night because of the proposed final venue seems disproportionate.

You don't even know the other woman will be working that night. She might even have switched jobs.

If she is still working there you could stay away from the bar so she doesn't see you or if that's not possible tell your friend "Oh no, X is behind the bar tonight. Awkward! I'm going to head off'.

Tempnamechng · 16/02/2024 06:35

Stuff that. I'm seeing an element of mean girls in this friendship group. You had an plan with friend after a difficult break up, another group of friends decide to join, insisting that the night involves a place directly linked with the break up. Someone in this group is enjoying a power play, knowing that you know they can dictate when you have to leave.

Mothership4two · 16/02/2024 06:36

You don't even know the other woman will be working that night. She might even have switched jobs.

Doesn't change the fact S and FG are happy to dump the OP for little to no reason - personally I think insisting you go to the one place you know one person in the group doesnt want to go to (especially as there are lots of other options) is pretty sh*tty, unkind and childish. I wouldn't do that to an acquaintance let alone a friend.

As I said upthread: the reasons why OP doesn't want to go there are irrelevant. They are insisting they go to that ONE PLACE knowing it would mean OP would then go home or at the very least feel really uncomfortable.

Original poster
Leaveitou · 16/02/2024 06:39

Tlolljs · 16/02/2024 06:10

Trouble is if you avoid this bar it’s still all about him. I understand why you don’t want to go there, however I wouldn’t not go somewhere because of a prick like that.
He’s still having too much of an influence over you both.

It was a mutual conversation but the woman has explicitly told me she wouldn’t be comfortable with it either. That’s her workplace. I’m going to respect that. I don’t want to see her and she doesn’t want to see me and that’s that to be honest. If I’m there, alcohol is involved and not that I have ever got into a drunken altercation but why would I put myself in the position with potential heightened emotions after a drink? Who is that enjoyable for ? Not me and not her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leaveitou · 16/02/2024 06:40

Mothership4two · 16/02/2024 06:36

You don't even know the other woman will be working that night. She might even have switched jobs.

Doesn't change the fact S and FG are happy to dump the OP for little to no reason - personally I think insisting you go to the one place you know one person in the group doesnt want to go to (especially as there are lots of other options) is pretty sh*tty, unkind and childish. I wouldn't do that to an acquaintance let alone a friend.

As I said upthread: the reasons why OP doesn't want to go there are irrelevant. They are insisting they go to that ONE PLACE knowing it would mean OP would then go home or at the very least feel really uncomfortable.

Edited

This tbh. People are saying I can’t expect everyone to accommodate me.

They choose a different bar, we all stay out.
They maintain this one, I have to leave.

Its not really a fair comparison.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leaveitou · 16/02/2024 06:42

So it might be best to go to the event at which point you can discuss with FG and they will totally understand and not insist on going. If they do then they are all a bunch of twats!

They are aware already and they still want to go which is why I’m not letting a bunch of people I’ve met one time dictate when I leave or not. I just won’t be attending any of it. Why should my night be at the mercy of people who are basically strangers.

OP posts:
Daffyaboutdaffs · 16/02/2024 06:47

Leaveitou · 16/02/2024 06:42

So it might be best to go to the event at which point you can discuss with FG and they will totally understand and not insist on going. If they do then they are all a bunch of twats!

They are aware already and they still want to go which is why I’m not letting a bunch of people I’ve met one time dictate when I leave or not. I just won’t be attending any of it. Why should my night be at the mercy of people who are basically strangers.

Then if they know and still insist on going I agree with you. Think they are all very selfish.

romdowa · 16/02/2024 06:55

Leaveitou · 16/02/2024 06:42

So it might be best to go to the event at which point you can discuss with FG and they will totally understand and not insist on going. If they do then they are all a bunch of twats!

They are aware already and they still want to go which is why I’m not letting a bunch of people I’ve met one time dictate when I leave or not. I just won’t be attending any of it. Why should my night be at the mercy of people who are basically strangers.

The fg and s sound like assholes and I think its definitely time to loose s as a friend. What they are doing is incredibly mean and I'd feel the exact same as you.
I'd give the whole thing a miss but I'd be letting them know exactly why.

Tlolljs · 16/02/2024 06:57

I not sure I would have agreed to never go in this bar again tbh. I much rather join forces with the woman that works there have a good night despite your ex. Fuck him.

BlastedPimples · 16/02/2024 06:59

@Tlolljs you're missing the point entirely.

Battytwatty · 16/02/2024 07:07

You are right, they are completely out of order. Kick them to the curb and get a new mate.

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 16/02/2024 07:31

Why should my night be at the mercy of people who are basically strangers.

They probably think the same thing.

Halftermhalf · 16/02/2024 07:34

I’d be really pissed off if this was my friend. She must know it’s a difficult situation for you. Is there any chance they’d meet at the bar you can’t go to before they meet you?

WildGeece · 16/02/2024 07:35

OP, I think you're getting a bit of a hard time from other posters! You were not being unreasonable to ask your friend's friends to go elsewhere but if they're set on their plans I would go to the event then head home afterwards, making it politely clear to all why.

MonkeyHarold · 16/02/2024 07:55

You are definitely not being unreasonable OP. The reason that you can't or won't attend that particular bar is irrelevant. Your 'friend' S should have told her FG that you and she will not be going there. FG could choose to attend the event with you both then go to other bars with you, or attend the event then go to that bar without you. Or not go to the event. Whatever FG do should not affect the original plan that you and S agreed.
To expect that you attend the event only is really nasty. S is being an utter cunt to invite other people and to effectively cut you out.