To explode at family pressuring to see newborn?

[coconean]

I have a newborn and not had the best birth and have been quite poorly.

I have explained to family several times now when I am ready I will let them know.
Quite a few of family members have complained of fevers, flu etc so for obvious reasons im keeping my distance.

Nobody seems to be respecting what I am saying and keep bombarding me with texts, like let me enjoy my baby!

I feel ready to explode, I didnt do this when they had babies and left them to it until they were ready and just want the same respect.

It must be awful being so emotionally manipulative and then being puzzled by other people’s negative emotions around you. The baby will be a baby for an entire year - OP gave birth 6 days ago and as I recall, day 6 was peak hell in the postpartum hormonal tsunami. I couldn’t even sit on my bum like a normal person for two weeks. I didn’t mind having my tits out in front of all my visitors but it’s very understandable if a new mum just wants to establish breastfeeding, rest with her baby and eat biscuits in peace.

Not even the grandparents?
I only ever hear about this on Mumsnet. It's really weird.

Really? Hopefully it’s just weird to you because you love and get on well with both sets of your children’s grandparents. Have you really never even had friends whose parents or in-laws weren’t very nice sometimes or have you never read a thread here about difficult family relationships? It’s just not what a new mum needs when she is vulnerable and postpartum, but she can get back to being nicey nicey and looking after the emotional needs of all her family members when she has attended to her own needs and that of her literally totally dependent newborn.

Fair enough if you don't like the grandparents on both sides, I guess!

I think if you're still recovering and feeling vulnerable then it's totally reasonable at this point.

I would send a message to all along the lines of, 'Thank you so much for your kind messages. It's lovely that everyone is so excited and I know you all can't wait to meet xxxxx Unfortunately, as you know, I have been quite poorly since the birth and need a bit more time before we're up to having visitors. I promise we'll be in touch very soon to sort out visits but until then we'll be focused on getting better.' Then I'd switch off my phone and let OH deal with any persistent messagers.

OMG THIS.

This thread is actually quite disturbing, especially as it's mostly women posting.

• Giving birth can be a life changing experience, physically and emotionally.

• Many women have difficult pregnancies and tremendously difficult births. Made worse potentially by pregnancy complications and maternal mental ill health.

• No one is entitled to see your baby within a certain time frame.

• Your physical and mental wellbeing come first, this is the most vulnerable time of your life.

• You don't owe anyone anything. You and baby are number 1. You see people and have visitors when you like.

See them when you want to see them.

The entitlement makes me sick.
If they are not listening to you now I'd be worried about them respecting boundaries when they do see the child (e.g kissing etc).

After having a baby I felt pushed and expected to see everyone. Sometimes it was okay and sometimes I just didn't want to. I didn't want to see them and I didn't want my baby being around so many different people with their winter germs.

This precious baby stuff is misogynistic bullshit. People don't have to like your boundaries but they need to listen to them or it's just downright disrespectful.

If you have any other boundaries make them loud and clear.

Agree. This trend of blocking out visitors for weeks on end is something I have only encountered on MN.

It happens less now because people practically get thrown out of hospital within hours, but I have so many lovely memories of hospital visits where family met the new family members. Now most parents I know say that’s us home, give us a day to settle then pop round anytime as we won’t be going anywhere

But then again everyone I know wouldn’t expect to be hosted by a new parent, they would help out and wouldn’t stay for a long time unless asked (depending on the relationship with the parent). Oh and in-laws are invited as often as the mums family

Also if one is breastfeeding you are latching watch feels like all the time. I can be uncomfortable getting your boobs out in front of others, I hated it. Leave the room you say? Why? Why should you have to do that in your own house?

Getting used to sleep deprivation, perhaps struggling with nursing, cracked and bleeding nipples, recovering from a c section/tearing/episiotomies, perhaps urinary or fecal incontinence, prolapses, surges of hormones and emotions.

Others can get to fuck if they're bugging you.

I hear you. After my second child was born, I wasn't doing well. I had two babies in one year, not planned. I was in the hospital for 3 nights and didn't want visitors. My Mom was staying to help, and boy did she help. When baby and I came home she and DH answered calls (talking 1990 here) and arranged for people to meet the baby and I was to stay upstairs and rest. It worked out well as it would have been 4-6 weeks before I could have dealt with it all.

@TwoUnderTwitTwoo

"Precious first born” / “precious first born syndrome” is deliberately emotionally manipulative by strongly implying that a new mother shouldn’t trust her own instincts about who to trust her baby with or what she is physically/emotionally/psychologically up to doing in the postpartum time, and should instead do whatever her disapproving acquaintance thinks instead. It is never a phrase that is targeted at fathers and even if it ever was, it’s an irrelevance because those first weeks are all about the mother-baby bond and physical recovery from childbirth and sleeplessness.

Absolutely. This thread is full of internalised misogyny and people apparently can't see it.

Switch your phone off. Go to bed with baby. Although you need someone there to cook for you and do the laundry, isn’t there a mum or friend doing that? My mum came for a month with each baby and it was so helpful and let me focus on getting strength back and feeding the baby.

This thread is a revelation! I've never known any new mother have people round to do the laundry or the cooking.

Everyone I know has had boundaries about people seeing their babies when they are new newborn. It's really not a mumsnet thing at all.

Should just be common bloody decency.

Feel able to see people - fine, go ahead.

Don't fancy it so soon - fine, absolutely I'll respect your boundaries. Can't wait to meet them - just let me know when you're ready?

What is the fucking issue with this? Why are people so selfish and disrespectful. And for the 'god forbid someone wants to meet your little one' brigade, why can't you just WAIT.

My best friend of 17 years had a baby last year. I couldn't wait to meet her, but I told her let me know when you're ready and I'll be there. No pressure. I met him a few weeks later.

What is the bloody issue? I am not ENTITLED to storm up there and meet her regardless of if her parents are ready to just because I WANT TO.

What's not to get?

If they aren’t making any effort to help or spend time with the child in a year, two years etc then it’s even more reason not to bend over backwards and put yourself through hell to allow other people to pass your baby about like a sack of spuds. People who genuinely love you and your baby will respect you enough to wait their bloody turn for a shot at pass the parcel.

Speaking from experience of the newborn days with my in-laws being some of the most traumatic days/weeks of my life. I was in agony (intense burning nerve pain) and they couldn’t care less, continually overstayed their welcome, refused to give me my baby back and made so many cheeky comments about having to wait until a day after we got home from hospital 🙄 I cried when they left every time and my husband promised it wouldn’t happen again, until it did. As soon as the baby hit 2 months they vanished for weeks/months at a time and now see their grand kids probably once every 2-3 months and have never offered to babysit or help with a single thing.

One of my biggest regrets in life is putting myself through that misery when I could barely stand up, for people who didn’t care about me at all. I look back on that whole time as such an anxiety-provoking period, when it should have been a lovely time for us

If you are able to, I would let them in for a quick cuppa, DH can host them.

If you don't, you might be offended further down the line when no one takes any interest in you and the baby. I know I wouldn't bother asking you again if you blew up at me and by the time it comes round to babies 1st bday you might find everyone avoids you.

Also if people loose interest in your baby once they grow because they weren't immediately allowed to meet them, THEN THATS ON THEM and as a PP said, I'd be even less inclined to extend myself to seeing them so soon if they if they're going to be offended that I'm putting myself and baby first.

because some people would wait till the child finished uni before they allowed anyone to grace them with their precence

it works both ways it is normal to want to see a baby, I don't what it is about giving birth suddenley turns someone into a precious little thing who cant possibly have anything happen unless they dictate it and this attitude of ''you must help when I say, you but only visit when I say, you have to do it all my way because I have done something people have been doing for thousands of years - giving birth'

I am surprised there is not a social media service where anyone has to visit to go through a disclaimer to check they onlt stay for a specific leanth of timem, in the small window the mother has allowed, they have a list of jobs that they have to do in order to be allowed entry, they have to bring a cetain gift that meets a set crieteria, they have to ensure they have had a shower in disinfectant and have a letter from a doctor to show they meet all medical requirements the mother has set, not sure i have missed anything maybe a solicitor should come up with a contract?

I am surprised the father is allowed to be in the same room as a their baby, then the mother can complain as the child grows it is still not being done 'my way'

My partner's siblings and parents have seen our baby as we all live in the same city.

What has made me feel anxious is my partner's sister kissing my baby which I had specifically mentioned to my partner to tell his family not to do as they are very touchy feely.

In relation to my own family, the only family members I want visiting are my parents, cousin and aunty and uncle.

I dont have a particularly close relationship with 2 of my siblings and dont understand why 2 of them feels so entitled to see my baby when he never even invites me or my parter to his house but keeps trying to invite himself over to mine.

I have had cousins I have not spoken to in years ask to come and see us which I find abit strange.

I spent 6 days in hospital 2 of which was in the high dependency unit and I have a third degree tear which is extremely painful and I am also anaemic and basically feel like crap.

6 days is no time to get over a difficult birth. And I find it very odd that random relatives you barely see want to visit a baby that’s going to…..sleep? Maybe cry? That’s about it. In the days of FaceTime, videos, instant photos why aren’t they sufficient?
You need to rest up, let DH fend off the invaders.
Congratulations on your baby and I hope you get over the birth damage very soon.

But generally the confinement period is with your (female) family around you, not you isolated at home alone with a newborn baby for weeks after DH has gone back to work

This is how entitled and selfish peolle are, that when they aren't well themselves they are still arsing to come see a baby...like wtaf

You are absolutely right to tell those people no fucking way.

And after your recent post you need to rest your still recovering.

And here u have perfect example of people's entitlement that despite being told not to kiss the baby someone did like ffs

Maybe people need to learn to respect people's wishes first! And if you cant don't be surprised of your not invited round.

So you refused to see any of your own family for several months and if they came round, they were shown a picture of a sleeping baby on the monitor? What if the baby was awake?

If you'd been my sister who'd basically gone NC immediately following your delivery id be phoning someone to do a welfare check and assuming you were being abused

Absolutely you aren't left alone during traditional confinement. Quite the reverse, you're not expected to do housework or even get fully dressed (unless you want to). Your only job is to heal and feed the baby.

You get to choose who attends you, though. So you can have (say) just your mum and sister but not your mil. Or vice versa. Or a live in postpartum mothers help (like a doula). It's the mum's choice. And the attendees muck in and help. You can also have your husband if you want and if he's got time off work.

The point of the confinement (which isn't literally being confined like locked in) is to prioritise the mum. It's all about what the mum wants/needs.

It sounds like no one around op is listening to her. The visitors she's getting aren't her chosen ones. They aren't prioritising her wants/needs.

No need to ‘explode’ act like a grown up.

It's a stressful time but I don't think people are deliberately going out of their way to be awful and annoying to you.. they are just very excited and anyone who's had a baby knows this is a really short phase with a newborn. Maybe need to reframe this from suspicion and anger towards these relatives to finding some middle ground. It's lovely they are excited and you would be equally annoyed if no one came near you.