To explode at family pressuring to see newborn?

[coconean]

I have a newborn and not had the best birth and have been quite poorly.

I have explained to family several times now when I am ready I will let them know.
Quite a few of family members have complained of fevers, flu etc so for obvious reasons im keeping my distance.

Nobody seems to be respecting what I am saying and keep bombarding me with texts, like let me enjoy my baby!

I feel ready to explode, I didnt do this when they had babies and left them to it until they were ready and just want the same respect.

I didn't realise I had a choice 😂🙈. My immediate family (mum, mil, fil, siblings, bil, sil, nephews etc) all came to the hospital and then round to the house to visit when I first came home. In retrospect I probably should have said no for the first week. I was a mess. Unless someone is ill though I don't think you can reasonably keep grandparents away much longer than a week. They are generally very excited. It's hard though. I remember trying to breastfeed and having to go into another room and wishing they would just leave.

Good on you! Switch off your phone and ignore. Anyone with any empathy would be saying ‘We would love to meet the baby when you are ready but do what you need. If you need any help let us know.’

"My doctor recommend giving yourselves 6-8 weeks to adjust before accepting visitors. Both as a doctor and a Mum of 3 herself"

Seriously though this is such bizarre advice. I was off doing school runs the day after I got home from the hospital.

Totally understand OP not wanting people round for a bit whilst she has time to adjust, all people are different. But two months? Why would anyone want to be stuck indoors seeing noone for 2 months?

I had a traumatic birth, and my family waited 1 week to meet our newborn (my MIL was first to hold our son) and other members went from there. If you need 2 weeks, then tell DP to man the phone and the door. TBF we didn't let anyone know he was born until a day or two later, as we had to stay on hospital and just wanted to get to know our baby alone for a few days! It's not for everyone, but it worked for us!

just leave the phone off. Don't make any statements. Then you won't offend anyone. If you still feel anxious after a few weeks, talk to your doctor .

I understand that you want some time to recover.

It also depends on the relationships you want in future too though. I think my that when grandparents and family members meet a baby soon after birth then there really is a different kind of bond there (my first met all of them within an hour or so, quite briefly though, as they were all waiting at the hospital!)

If you are hoping of expecting that family will help with childcare when needed one day, or want the family to be close to and really interested in your child, then you aren’t working towards that by pushing them away.

When you are ready, you could say you would love to see them but for no more than 20 minutes as you are struggling to establish feeding and don’t want to do that in front of people, as well as being exhausted! Then everyone wins really

When I had all my babies I had c-sections and in the hospital I had only my parents in. When I got home I told everyone they have to wait a few days because I was not ready. I was in pain and struggling so to get home and then have people over can be overwhelming.

I would welcome each family for a few hours over a week. So give each family/friends a day but ensure you give yourself a day to rest in between. I would also say if anyone has a cold they are only welcome when they are better! Even the kids!

Maybe you could ask sisters parents to help with washing or cleaning when they come over too? If your too proud to say then maybe say it in a more comfortable way such as I have lots of washing to do and not got on top of it yet! I'm sure some will jump at the chance to help and see baby at the same time.

Hope you are well lovely 😍

Oh don’t listen to the tits suggesting you’re being unreasonable. You want to protect your tiny baby from illnesses your relatives admit to having, and aren’t feeling great yourself. I’d ignore the messages completely, you’ve told them already and they’re just trying to steamroll your boundaries. I’m not having visitors apart from grandparents (if they’re feeling well!) when I have my second baby in a few weeks. No interest in entertaining people while my vagina or abdomen are recovering from birth!

Sweetie, as someone who had an emergency section, after a v.difficult pregnancy with baby trying to come early - still came early with the section, and a massive infection inside my section. I really, really sympathise with you.

Do not feel pressured by anyone! If they wanttoo get the huff then let them! They are not owed anything! They certainly have no right to invite themselves round to your home and push you into letting them hold your newborn!

Send out a mass text saying "We are not accepting visitors at this time. I will not be replying to any more texts." Then turn your phone off and don't answer the door to anyone aside those who have express permission to visit.

When I was pregnant tonnes of my "friends" couldn't wait to meet baby. First 3 days home they ALL decended and promptly vanished from my life!

Stat strong hunny and enjoy this time with your little baby xx

I hope no one took a shot of tequila every time they read the word 'excited'.

How old is your baby and how close the family?
I saw all my GPs within a few hours of their birth and likewise close family and friends saw my children as soon after their birth as they could. Sone a few hours some a few days/weeks depending on how far away they lived.
I think family and family bonds are important and children can never have too many people who love them.
Of course you must do what feels right to you if you are not close to family or if you think seeing them will make you feel worse say no but generally I don't think cocooning yourself away for a long time after birth is healthy for the new parents or good for the child.

If you have already told them that you will let them know when you are ready for visitors then ignore the rest of the texts / calls if they are not respecting that, the novelty if you having a baby will wear off in a few days and something else will have happened to get their attention

Lol. Switch off your phone and enjoy your baby for the first couple of weeks.

My own mother still hasn't forgiven me for making her wait 7 days before telling her my son had arrived, and despite being the first to hold him. Son is 21 this year and she still trots it out !

Are you exclusively breast feeding and demand feeding- or can your baby tolerate mixed feeding or bottled expressed milk ? If so, let your hubby take your newborn around and about while you get a good sleep and recover- presuming you've had a csection and cant drive yet ?

Theres no way you can make family wait 6 to 8 weeks to meet the latest addition as one poster said !

What you can do is manage the flow of visitors .

I have had 4 children and with each I have stayed home with baby for 2 weeks to establish a routine and bond with my baby and recover myself......its personal preference here do what makes you and baby comfortable.

We waited 7days to meet our grandaughter, it is the same on going , and to family outside your own nest it is worrying , but like you have stated , you had a traumatic birth , it's bound to have an affect on your emotions you are getting your head around it all, but I would say if your parents and in laws are supportive allow a half hour visit soon they can be supportive, they probably want to make sure you are well on top of meeting their new grandchild, I do hope you are well.

Be grateful, and let Hubble show the baby off. It’s a precious time for all the family, plenty don’t have that support

If all it takes for you not to bother is being asked to wait while someone is healing and bonding with the baby they birthed, it shows you only care about what you want.

Sounds quite transactional. I see your baby or I won’t bother at all. Reads like the mother did the right thing then.

Or you could read OP’s posts instead who has clearly stated who has seen the baby and who she is not allowing.

I'd invite them round and also send them a list of things you would like them to bring, including food and hot drinks (because you aren't going to be putting the kettle on for them).

Did it clearly state that ?

This reminds me of an incident which happened twenty five years ago. I went shopping on a Saturday afternoon and unfortunately left the dog in the garden. When I returned there were several messages on the answering machine complaining that he was barking and was spoiling the neighbours barbecue. They had recently had a new baby.
I rang immediately to apologise. This was the message "Hello. This is Penelope and Cuthbert. We cannot come to the phone right now because we are with Marmaduke. We are either feeding him changing him or playing with him. See you in eighteen years time" And that, my friends, is how assertive people handle situations. Barking dogs and unsolicited phone calls. Whether you want to go down that road or not depends on you😂

@phoenixrosehere "If all it takes for you not to bother is being asked to wait while someone is healing and bonding with the baby they birthed, it shows you only care about what you want.

Sounds quite transactional. I see your baby or I won’t bother at all. Reads like the mother did the right thing then"

Here here. 100%.

I think you just would be better switching your phone off - send a message to everyone first to say you are ill and need some space and then just switch off - the people who lone you most will understand and the others can just suck it up. Your body your baby.

I think the thing that gets me is how little most people actually care for the new mum in the UK. Sure, in pregnancy she is treated like a queen but as soon as she has the baby the attitude is "get on with it and stop being so precious" (see nay comments above). I found a lot of people only want a piece of the baby and don't care how the mother is feeling. You are well within your right to ignore them if you are not ready for visitors!

@247achybreakyheart - Hi yes this is my first baby so this is all new to me.

Indirect messages are still being passed on via our parents about why I am being so funny about them not meeting my baby.

Me and these two siblings (who are older by a decade and 12 years) are not close and they both played a part in making my life hell when I was a teenager (verbal abuse and physical abuse I.e slapping me).

I tried to forgive and build bridges but since having my child I have decided I want to cut ties (their kids are just like them, nasty and bullies) and I dont want my son around people like that.

If I am asked again I will just tell them straight and the reasons why instead of being so polite in my responses when I don't even owe them that.