To explode at family pressuring to see newborn?

[coconean]

I have a newborn and not had the best birth and have been quite poorly.

I have explained to family several times now when I am ready I will let them know.
Quite a few of family members have complained of fevers, flu etc so for obvious reasons im keeping my distance.

Nobody seems to be respecting what I am saying and keep bombarding me with texts, like let me enjoy my baby!

I feel ready to explode, I didnt do this when they had babies and left them to it until they were ready and just want the same respect.

But you'd probably want to be helping your own dd wouldn't you with the chores and wiping her tears and cuddling her and helping her get through the nights or nap and they wouldn't mind you seeing their broken bleeding nipples or unwashed hair. Probably wouldn't be the same with cousins or father in law or uncles.

OP I learnt this the hard way, stick to your guns, I had an emergency c section & felt like I had to have parents and siblings visit. I gave birth the Weds, came home on the Fri & had 3 sets of parents & 1 set of siblings visit on the Sat, it all got too much, I then had sil & niece here the Tues who stayed 5 hours, again too much. I certainly wouldn't let anyone ill visit.
DPs parents are the only ones who helped with anything, don't look back and regret having people there. We're in 2024, I appreciate people are excited, but there are video calls these days & babies are not toys!
Congratulations & enjoy your baby, have visitors when you're ready.

Back in the day, you would still be in hospital with a 6 day old baby who would be taken to the nursery at night so you'd get some rest, and you'd be woken for feeds.
You'd be made to take an afternoon nap
You actually had semi-reasonable food

Your husband (or partner) was the only one allowed to visit at night for two hours and the same in the afternoon (iirc)

Other visitors allowed at the weekend, again for two hours, no more than two by the bed.

So they can wait a week (except maybe GPs)

We live semi-rurally but not so far from anywhere, yet so many of our visitors who came to see us expected us to run a bed and breakfast with extra cups of tea, meals and snacks. We’re not out in the sticks by any means. My fit and healthy MIL and FIL just cuddled the baby for a few mins and then were very happy to sit down, make themselves comfortable, watch me cook, watch me clean up after them. They would laugh in the morning about how wonderful it was to hear the baby crying at night as they knew it wasn’t their problem. My husband had to go out to work but doesn’t want them to stay with us again and was so upset with them. I love hosting but peoples behaviour around the births of our children was so thoughtless. They’re the very same sorts of people as posters on here that would find it outrageous that they weren’t welcome and would feign total innocence and horror 🙄

Congratulations and hope you are recovering well 💐 RE the exploding I completely understand.

DH’s family were abnormally intense from the day we got back from the hospital (day after the birth) and it partly ruined that time because we’re not that close and he didn’t want to say no. Mine were fine saw them a couple of times that week and we live in each other’s pockets anyway. It’s like you need some space at this time more than anything but everyone wants to meet your baby, it’s maddening for you but understandable because they do want to meet your newborn.

See them when you feel ready and do what’s fair but also do what’s best for you and your baby ❤️

That's a really nasty thing to say to a new mum who has just gone through the biggest change in hormones that any human ever does in their life time and who is trying to recover from childbirth establish feeding with no time to shower or brush her teeth and hasn't slept in a week

Yes just do what is best for you and your baby. Trust your intuition and stick to your guns, as a poster above said. When a new mum is sleep deprived it might not take much to tip you over the edge into feeling terrible. Congratulations and enjoy those snuggles ❤️

Genuine question … how is it misogynistic?

Op please follow @organicallymaddie on Instagram she talks a lot about boundaries with families when you have a baby I think she's exactly who you need to watch right now for validation.

But mainly - you have permission to ignore anyone you like for the next week or so and let your partner take over the coms

The thing that I found hard was that everyone came round in the 1st 2 weeks and then that was it. Other half back at work and we were left alone. Could have done with visits over a longer period of time.

She's literally said in the op she's had a hard birth and she is physically ill herself she's not up to visiting out and about if she's not up to visitors at home yet!

I agree. I want to cash in all the 'can I help' offers now that I have a bad back and bathtime is a killer with my toddler!

I don't get this... after my births I knew I was anaemic/knackered/had greasy hair/wasn't dressed up/was in pain/house was a bit upside down, but I still wanted to see family and friends with our baby.

I can understand not wanting extended visits but I'm sure there was lots of tea and cake and maybe the odd takeaway.

I mean I get on with my family ok, don't think I had PND, and babies were well... why wouldn't you want this? You can't be 'actively mothering' 24/7 anyway.

Parenthood is 100% a marathon not a sprint. If you're pushing your loved ones away at this stage you really need to question whether you want them in your life at all. And when people talk of a 'village' to raise a child, who do you think that is?

FWIW I do remember my DPs were pretty hands off during early visits. I remember one auntie offering to put the washing out for me and I was really touched by that! Apart from that, me and DH just muddled through!

Why are you making such ridiculous assumptions about what she is able to do at this stage.

Myself (and most other mums I know) were able to sort and brush our hair and teeth (I had time to straighten my hair daily in the few week, not after though...), and yes sleep is crap but saying she won't have slept in a week is very melodramatic.

It's a huge transition obviously, with huge hormonal shifts, emotions and recovery coupled with learning new skills and insufficient sleep to recover.

It's also something we are meant as a species to be able to do. With a dad around it should be manageable.

“Precious first born” / “precious first born syndrome” is deliberately emotionally manipulative by strongly implying that a new mother shouldn’t trust her own instincts about who to trust her baby with or what she is physically/emotionally/psychologically up to doing in the postpartum time, and should instead do whatever her disapproving acquaintance thinks instead. It is never a phrase that is targeted at fathers and even if it ever was, it’s an irrelevance because those first weeks are all about the mother-baby bond and physical recovery from childbirth and sleeplessness.

@Babyboomtastic Well lucky you!

Agree ,but in the normal world Grandparents and good friends usually are present for the long run.My children are in their 20s and both Grandmas played a very active role and my close friends…who actually visited the day after they were all born ,are still very close to me and my children .
Genuinely think that parents need to calm down these days,relax and enjoy ☺️

Of course they want to meet the baby and see how you are. It must be awful having family you love you and want to spend time with you and your baby!

Agree with pps. Saying PFB IS condescending and misogynistic and demeaning and belittling. No-one has a single SHRED of right to tell the OP - or any other new mother - how she should be feeling or behaving.

I never wanted a SOUL near me except DH when we had our first. Not for about 10 days. And I wanted no visitors for 2-3 months. I would visit others, and take the baby when it suited ME. Most people were fine with this including both sets of parents, and my family weren't sniffy and rude and entitled.

There were a couple of arsey entitled individuals.

I ignored them.

If they had pushed me/pressured me I would have told them to fuck off.

.

Most people are 'quite poorly' after a birth, with a stitched up fanny and cracked, bleeding nipples.
Look, we're all different. I'm of the 'getting on with it' persuasion and couldn't wait to see my family. You're not that way inclined and that's ok too.
Congrats

Good grief, OP isn’t “pushing her family away”! She’s just unsure how to handle messages asking to come over if she’s still not feeling great at only 6 days postpartum and doesn’t want visitors yet. She obviously wants her family and in laws to meet the baby, otherwise she would have no qualms about ignoring them!

I didn’t realise it at the time I was highly suggestible after giving birth and as a massive people pleaser (in real life, not MN), I was sooo happy that my husband took over comms and encouraged me to rest with baby when I wasn’t 100% sure I was up to visitors and didn’t care if we cancelled plans because I was exhausted.

OP is looking for support. I loved having loads of visitors after one birth and then I loved having almost no visitors in the weeks after the second birth. Pregnancy, childbirth and postpartum is different for everyone!

The baby will still be there for everyone to meet when OP feels ready and has had time to bond, rest, recover and feel more comfortable. The baby is not a toy for everyone else’s enjoyment.

I had a ban for 1 month. No visitors at all.

I needed to rest and recover, we needed to bond as a family.

Video calls exist! Tell them to wait

Yes, how dare she try to protect herself after a difficult birth and her child from sick people.

Shes obviously a monster

@Babyboomtastic yes but we're not 'meant ' to be doing it while playing hostess with the mostess at the same time. If some people can then crack on, but op shouldn't feel under any pressure to until she feels recovered and ready

Lucky, absolutely. Two wonderful children.

I don't think we should be making any assumptions about how women will feel postpartum, apart from telling women there's a huge range.

There seems to be a trend for telling women that they'll be a sobbing unwashed mess postpartum, that is inevitable that won't sleep etc. Yes it's the reality for some, but I think it gives a very distorted view.