To explode at family pressuring to see newborn?

[coconean]

I have a newborn and not had the best birth and have been quite poorly.

I have explained to family several times now when I am ready I will let them know.
Quite a few of family members have complained of fevers, flu etc so for obvious reasons im keeping my distance.

Nobody seems to be respecting what I am saying and keep bombarding me with texts, like let me enjoy my baby!

I feel ready to explode, I didnt do this when they had babies and left them to it until they were ready and just want the same respect.

And what are women's rights like in a country that encourages women to isolate themselves for 2 months after going through pregnancy and childbirth? It seems like a recipe for pnd and, god forbid, an easy way for a man to exert control over a woman and hide any violence.

I’ve never met anyone who hasn’t had some family around to visit in 6 days let alone 6 weeks. Very odd to me.

I think you're showing your prejudice a bit. Women's rights there are fine, in fact there's a smaller gender pay gap than in the uk.

How could a man hide violence - the attendees are overwhelmingly women when doing it traditionally.

Postpartum confinement is a choice there. A choice it sounds like op would perhaps like to make if she could but her family won't "let" her.

You see, I'm answering your questions in good faith and assuming you aren't being knee-jerk xenophobic. Sometimes, just sometimes, other countries actually do things better than here, it's worth considering.

Totally get it, when DD was born she didn’t sleep at all we were knackered the last thing we wanted was people coming over cooing whilst all we wanted to do was rest. It depends what your family are like. We had people over after 10days or so. Mums were helpful- brought homemade dinner and offered to clean a bit. StepMIL & FIL came over and were pissy we didn’t have booze chilled in the fridge for them, then wouldn’t give DD back when she was screaming.

Yanbu. At 6 days post birth you hunker down and look after yourself.

Unless someone is genuinely helpful they don't get to visit. I hated being in such pain and struggling with bf and trying not to cry when people turned up. Didn't make that mistake second time around.

I think a lot of people don’t appreciate that all families are different too. I feel like you OP I’m expecting very soon and I know I’ll have people asking to visit who only see my other child a few times a year and will have a similar relationship with this one. I had so many visitors who came (out of obligation probably) so soon after birth and it ruined the first couple of weeks. When I say this time ‘I will be in touch when we’re ready for visitors’, I will seem like the one being difficult. I don’t want people to come and see my baby, I want to recover from my c section and enjoy my new baby and family and not have to entertain people I’m not comfortable around in old pjs with leaky tits. Leave me alone. And perhaps people who are feeling like they want to isolate and are being ‘PFB’ do have a touch of pnd/anxiety - pestering them and ignoring their wishes isn’t going to help that. Rant over.

YANBU enjoy your newborn baby bubble and see people on your terms

It's a bit late for you now...but hospitals have visiting hours and the midwives can kick them out for you. In case anyone else has the same issue imminently!

General message to all:

"I'm still too tired to have visitors at the moment but I'll keep you updated with photos and let you know when I'm ready. Thanks for understanding."

"Sometimes, just sometimes, other countries actually do things better than here, it's worth considering."

It's not better just because you say so and also irrelevant unless the OP is actually there.

It's not better just because I say so - what a strange comment! No, I'm expressing my opinion, I think it is better for new mums to be able to stay at home for a few weeks and not be bothered by visitors, if they wish to, as it seems op does.

It's not irrelevant at all - you mentioned "the planet" and I pointed out this extends further than the Channel. And actually, it is possible to learn ideas from other cultures. It's considered close minded not to have any interest at all in how other cultures do things.

Do you have a healthy relationship with your family normally? Has anyone met the baby - grandparents? Some of my happiest memories of those early days are of family coming for a cuddle with the baby. It's tough enough, those are the bright spots.

And agree that they didn't need to help, between us (mostly him) we were able to rustle up tea and biscuits.

Shock horror - relatives actually want to meet a new family member!?
Hand baby to DP and let him entertain while you hide in the bedroom if you absolutely must.

Get off your phone and ignore them

Of course, they want to see your baby. Its there new family member! If they dosntnt om aure you would be hurt Its much easier for you to go round yto theirs. No pressure to clean. Can leave when you want. Cam so a flying visot. Job done

This

This is just when the baby blues and the sleep deprivation are hitting at their worst! Leave her be and don't make her feel like a weirdo

I have a 4 week old, had a c section and feel your pain. Tell them once more- “I’m not ready for visitors yet but will text you when I am” and then put them on mute. Trust me. Tell your other half not to pass on messages about people wanting to visit and tell him to enforce people not just turning up. Nobody to be let in if they do. Hormones have a lot to answer for at this stage as well and all the feelings are magnified by about a million. Rest and enjoy your baby. 💐

I personally would be pretty miffed if my DD's wouldn't let me see a future grandchild for 6 days, though if I was ill I would obviously not go around by my own choice. I was out and about within a day myself.

If you need help, why not just ask?

Personally I think not even allowing grandparents to see the new baby is a bit odd. Second cousin Mabel can wait a few weeks, but its unusual to not even see immediate family.

I was very keen for visitors so I'm looking at it from a very different perspective. I think both times my babies were maybe 3 hours old when they saw my parents and 6 hours for the in laws. Both in the hospital obviously, but visitors were welcome from when we came home as well.

Presuming you've got your partner with you, I'm not sure that you should be expecting them to 'help' much, though clearing up after themselves or bringing cake is always useful.

That being said, if your really not feeling up to it, then you can hold off a bit longer. Theres no requirement to have guests quickly, and if you need some space then you should be able to ask for it.

Quite shocked at the entitlement people feel to time with someone else’s baby. The most important thing is the mother-baby bonding time, and so many visitors disrupt that.

I also hate the term “precious first born.” It’s emotionally manipulative and misogynistic.

DOI: First baby we had everyone over after a few days, loved handing my baby round to everyone, and we had 40 visitors in the space of 4 weeks! 6 of them were overnight guests. I loved it! Second baby we wanted zero visitors for 2 weeks and that was glorious, I loved it too! Very few visitors in the weeks after that as I really wanted the bonding and recovery time. The same baby will still be there for everyone to meet. For our third baby, we’ll just see what we fancy but both think we’ll have very few visitors.

I disagree.

When I was about a week postpartum crying from hormones and heartbreak (fiance left just before baby born) trauma to my nipples and mastitis illness and I told the midwife how much of a burden I felt to my parents who I was staying with I found it hugely reassuring when they told me 'in India for the first 40 days all a woman does it cuddle and feed her baby and she stays with her own family and they all look after her, we can learn a lot from them as they are doing the right thing.'

There is literally no need for a parade of people to be coming and going especially with winter germs from a house with a postpartum woman and a vulnerable newborn in it. Only people who are going to help them (cook, laundry, make tea, pass tissues) should consider even asking.

Fair enough that nobody with a cold should be visiting. But of course folk want to see your new baby. Bit strange you don't want them to. Don't complain later when nobody bothers. It will be your own fault.

Why would a mother who is just establishing breatfeeding want to be physically separate from her tiny new baby? This is madness . There is no need whatsoever for her husband to be entertaining guests instead of looking after her

Some of us would have give CRAZY at that level of coddling though it's good that it's an option, but it's really needs to be the choice of the woman.

I wanted to be out and about, showing my baby to the world and getting on with life.

Stay inside and cuddle your baby if you want.
Throw a party and cuddle baby at the same time if you want
Go out for dinner and shopping and seeing friends (whist cuddling baby) if you want.

There shouldn't be one way to 'do' postpartum.