Page 6 | To explode at family pressuring to see newborn?

coconean · 2024-02-15T20:25:11+00:00

I have a newborn and not had the best birth and have been quite poorly. I have explained to family several times now when I am ready I will let them know. Quite a few of family members have complained of fevers, flu etc so for obvious reasons im keeping my distance. Nobody seems to be respecting what I am saying and keep bombarding me with texts, like let me enjoy my baby! I feel ready to explode, I didnt do this when they had babies and left them to it until they were ready and just want the same respect.

Babyboomtastic · 16/02/2024 00:31

Mumoftwo1312 · 16/02/2024 00:24

Absolutely you aren't left alone during traditional confinement. Quite the reverse, you're not expected to do housework or even get fully dressed (unless you want to). Your only job is to heal and feed the baby.

You get to choose who attends you, though. So you can have (say) just your mum and sister but not your mil. Or vice versa. Or a live in postpartum mothers help (like a doula). It's the mum's choice. And the attendees muck in and help. You can also have your husband if you want and if he's got time off work.

The point of the confinement (which isn't literally being confined like locked in) is to prioritise the mum. It's all about what the mum wants/needs.

It sounds like no one around op is listening to her. The visitors she's getting aren't her chosen ones. They aren't prioritising her wants/needs.

Show quote history

Are you 'allowed' to go for a walk? Pop to the shops? Go to a cafe with friends? Take your older child out to the park?

If it's truly up to the mum, and no pressure to stay inside etc, fine, otherwise it sounds like a prison to me

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 16/02/2024 00:31

shreknjumps · 15/02/2024 20:33

How newborn? My kids love the stories about how all of their relatives dropped everything to meet them. They know how loved they are by everyone. Personally, I think all this "enjoy my little family" is a bit precious and PFB

Yep,I'm with you.How about you let them come and help OP? Obviously not if they're ill but these are people who you love and they love you presumably?

Odingodof · 16/02/2024 00:34

@WandaWonder it's all about op... Op maybe irrational and that's tough. There is a teeny human totally relying on her just now so it's very much about her....

Op I don't think you are BTW.
I can't believe how disrespectful we have become towards new mums.

Odingodof · 16/02/2024 00:36

@coconean

People are selfish. That's up to them.

You take care of yourself and do exactly what you want. After such a trauma, it's important you take care of yourself and put you and baby first.

Mothership4two · 16/02/2024 00:37

Sasqwatch · 16/02/2024 00:26

No need to ‘explode’ act like a grown up.

🙄

Original poster

coconean · 16/02/2024 00:39

Sasqwatch · 16/02/2024 00:26

No need to ‘explode’ act like a grown up.

Well obviously if I have said the same thing several times to people that I am not well and on antibiotics and nobody is respecting that I think me exploding is the only way they may get the message.

I havent seen 75% of the family members for years so I dont owe them anything.

The odd times my sister's kids have visited they have run riot in the house and broke my partners ornaments, and these are early teens.

OP posts:

Sleepysleepasap · 16/02/2024 00:40

Theatrefan12 · 15/02/2024 23:27

Agree. This trend of blocking out visitors for weeks on end is something I have only encountered on MN.

It happens less now because people practically get thrown out of hospital within hours, but I have so many lovely memories of hospital visits where family met the new family members. Now most parents I know say that’s us home, give us a day to settle then pop round anytime as we won’t be going anywhere

But then again everyone I know wouldn’t expect to be hosted by a new parent, they would help out and wouldn’t stay for a long time unless asked (depending on the relationship with the parent). Oh and in-laws are invited as often as the mums family

Show quote history

Yes agree. After having my children I was in hospital for a few days. Lots of flowers and grandparents/ friends visiting for a cuddle. All part of the enormity and support that boosted us as parents .

scoobysnaxx · 16/02/2024 00:42

@WandaWonder so by your logic a mother who has suffered bad pre natal anxiety, whose relationship is not on good terms, who had a fairly difficult birth or even a traumatic one, who had an emergency c section or episiotomy, who is bleeding profusely, struggling to get baby to latch and had a prolapse making it hard to even sit down, should let people visit within 6 days BECAUSE OTHERWISE SHE IS BEING PRECIOUS?!

Do me a fucking favour. And people don't get the internalise misogyny in this to thread?

Guess what, even a mum who had a straightforward pregnancy and a straightforward birth with no complications or many physical after effects STILL DOES NOT HAVE TO HAVE VISITORS. She can see people whenever the fuck she wants. If she just wants to stay at home, with her family and new baby with PEACE then that's her choice. No ones has a right to be pissed off at her much less annoyed and being called precious for it.

If I thought people were dickheads before having a baby I sure as hell hated some of them after having mine.

DissidentDaughter · 16/02/2024 00:42

Congrats on your newborn, OP! 💫

Tell them to f*ck off! You’ve been thru a difficult birth - allow yourself time to recover in peace & quiet with your little one. And don’t feel guilty! X

Mumoftwo1312 · 16/02/2024 00:43

Babyboomtastic · 16/02/2024 00:31

Are you 'allowed' to go for a walk? Pop to the shops? Go to a cafe with friends? Take your older child out to the park?

If it's truly up to the mum, and no pressure to stay inside etc, fine, otherwise it sounds like a prison to me

Show quote history

You are allowed to do literally anything. None of it is compulsory. It is not a "prison".

And most mums these days only do 2-3wk not 8.

But it provides a framework to drop all expectations. Lots of recently-pp mums cba to pop to the shops when they're bleeding profusely and leaking breastmilk. So the expectation is dropped.

As I say that country (city state - you've probably guessed or narrowed down where) has a better gender pay gap than the UK. Women are not oppressed, or no more than they are here anyway.

Quite the opposite, the whole point is to centre the mum.

Op sounds like she's in more of an (emotional) prison. Because she isn't able to make her own choices.

Look at the commenters on here basically going "how dare you keep the baby away from its grandparents [for a mere few weeks]. If I don't get my cuddles I will never be involved with my grandchild. Just because you're in pain and anaemic and struggling to feed, PASS ME THAT BABY".

It really isn't more enlightened, I promise you.

Original poster

coconean · 16/02/2024 00:44

scoobysnaxx · 16/02/2024 00:42

@WandaWonder so by your logic a mother who has suffered bad pre natal anxiety, whose relationship is not on good terms, who had a fairly difficult birth or even a traumatic one, who had an emergency c section or episiotomy, who is bleeding profusely, struggling to get baby to latch and had a prolapse making it hard to even sit down, should let people visit within 6 days BECAUSE OTHERWISE SHE IS BEING PRECIOUS?!

Do me a fucking favour. And people don't get the internalise misogyny in this to thread?

Guess what, even a mum who had a straightforward pregnancy and a straightforward birth with no complications or many physical after effects STILL DOES NOT HAVE TO HAVE VISITORS. She can see people whenever the fuck she wants. If she just wants to stay at home, with her family and new baby with PEACE then that's her choice. No ones has a right to be pissed off at her much less annoyed and being called precious for it.

If I thought people were dickheads before having a baby I sure as hell hated some of them after having mine.

100% spot on!

OP posts:

Original poster

coconean · 16/02/2024 00:44

DissidentDaughter · 16/02/2024 00:42

Congrats on your newborn, OP! 💫

Tell them to f*ck off! You’ve been thru a difficult birth - allow yourself time to recover in peace & quiet with your little one. And don’t feel guilty! X

Aww thankyou!

OP posts:

scoobysnaxx · 16/02/2024 00:45

Sasqwatch · 16/02/2024 00:26

No need to ‘explode’ act like a grown up.

How about the people disrespecting her wishes growing up?

How hard is it to follow simple requests?

I don't want to see people right now === continuously pesters OP (??????)

Do not kiss my baby === kisses baby (?????)

And it's the OP who needs to grow up?the above are acting like impulsive 3 year olds who can't follow simple instructions.

Damn right of fucking explode if my wishes were ignored multiple times.

Lotsalotsagiggles · 16/02/2024 00:46

Tell them you have covid

No joke but my husband and i did catch it in hospital when my daughter was born and no one really came for 10 days, was bliss. We watched films, napped, i covered from c section without having to get fully dresses as was v hot. I look back at that time fondly now

Mothership4two · 16/02/2024 00:47

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 16/02/2024 00:31

Yep,I'm with you.How about you let them come and help OP? Obviously not if they're ill but these are people who you love and they love you presumably?

Show quote history

Its been every day, nobody is offering to help just to come round.

They are not coming to help. OP has said some of them she isn't even close to. On top of that OP has literally just come out of hospital. Having a newborn turns your life upside-down, but on top of that she has had a traumatic birth.

Back in 1998 my MW said it's not a good idea to have too many visitors for the first few weeks and be blunt to those you don't want. She also said stick up a sign on the door saying "do not disturb as mother and baby resting" if I didn't want people just popping round.

MissTrip82 · 16/02/2024 00:48

I’m sure all the people saying they don’t understand or don’t agree are still adult enough to cop it if someone close to them feels this way. It’s perfectly fine to take as long as you need before introducing your baby and you shouldn’t be getting hassled. People can not understand your choice but still respect it. They don’t have to ‘get it’ or agree.

WandaWonder · 16/02/2024 00:50

scoobysnaxx · 16/02/2024 00:42

@WandaWonder so by your logic a mother who has suffered bad pre natal anxiety, whose relationship is not on good terms, who had a fairly difficult birth or even a traumatic one, who had an emergency c section or episiotomy, who is bleeding profusely, struggling to get baby to latch and had a prolapse making it hard to even sit down, should let people visit within 6 days BECAUSE OTHERWISE SHE IS BEING PRECIOUS?!

Do me a fucking favour. And people don't get the internalise misogyny in this to thread?

Guess what, even a mum who had a straightforward pregnancy and a straightforward birth with no complications or many physical after effects STILL DOES NOT HAVE TO HAVE VISITORS. She can see people whenever the fuck she wants. If she just wants to stay at home, with her family and new baby with PEACE then that's her choice. No ones has a right to be pissed off at her much less annoyed and being called precious for it.

If I thought people were dickheads before having a baby I sure as hell hated some of them after having mine.

They can do what they like they can come on here and complain no one in interested, if anyone wants to even walk past their house they are taking over and judging them and saying they cant cope, they don't want their children to get presents as they have enough enough plastic crap, they can't buy pink or blue as that is gendering them, they cant offer to do housework as that is saying they live in pigsty, if they don't offer to help they are left to do it all and are now going non contact and will never speak to them again, they can't touch the baby as germs and perfume

they can't comment about any aspect of their parenting or baby as that will also be some drip feeding judgement and or a they are competing and saying they are better parents, just don't get them started on the competitiveness of social media and blaming hormones for acting neurotic

sure they can do what they want then they can spend time complaining everything is not done as they demand it

Mumoftwo1312 · 16/02/2024 00:50

Lotsalotsagiggles · 16/02/2024 00:46

Tell them you have covid

No joke but my husband and i did catch it in hospital when my daughter was born and no one really came for 10 days, was bliss. We watched films, napped, i covered from c section without having to get fully dresses as was v hot. I look back at that time fondly now

This is exactly what traditional pp confinement is like [and it isn't compulsory, for those who haven't read my posts above]. It enables the mum to say nope, not doing anything except lying on the sofa in a nightie feeding my baby 24/7.

Many, many (most?) women prefer to have no expectations placed on them when postpartum. It's the opposite of a prison, it's being able to say piss off to everyone while simultaneously being looked after

scoobysnaxx · 16/02/2024 00:54

@WandaWonder what are you on about stop making out the OP is being extreme.

She has simple said she doesn't want visitors and doesn't want people kissing her baby.

This isn't a ridiculous demand

As a PP said, you don't have the like the request or agree with it BUT YOU RESPECT IT. Period.

Outliers · 16/02/2024 00:55

I don't get the big deal, but whatever makes you happy I guess

Mothership4two · 16/02/2024 00:56

@WandaWonder

They can do what they like they can come on here and complain no one in interested, if anyone wants to even walk past their house they are taking over and judging them and saying they cant cope, they don't want their children to get presents as they have enough enough plastic crap, they can't buy pink or blue as that is gendering them, they cant offer to do housework as that is saying they live in pigsty, if they don't offer to help they are left to do it all and are now going non contact and will never speak to them again, they can't touch the baby as germs and perfume

they can't comment about any aspect of their parenting or baby as that will also be some drip feeding judgement and or a they are competing and saying they are better parents, just don't get them started on the competitiveness of social media and blaming hormones for acting neurotic

sure they can do what they want then they can spend time complaining everything is not done as they demand it

I have no idea what all this is about or what relelvance it has to the OP's situation

WandaWonder · 16/02/2024 00:56

scoobysnaxx · 16/02/2024 00:54

@WandaWonder what are you on about stop making out the OP is being extreme.

She has simple said she doesn't want visitors and doesn't want people kissing her baby.

This isn't a ridiculous demand

As a PP said, you don't have the like the request or agree with it BUT YOU RESPECT IT. Period.

Not all replies to a thread are 100% about the original post or directed spefically at the the poster like conversations in real life things develop so some replies are more general

Josette77 · 16/02/2024 00:58

Mumoftwo1312 · 16/02/2024 00:24

Absolutely you aren't left alone during traditional confinement. Quite the reverse, you're not expected to do housework or even get fully dressed (unless you want to). Your only job is to heal and feed the baby.

You get to choose who attends you, though. So you can have (say) just your mum and sister but not your mil. Or vice versa. Or a live in postpartum mothers help (like a doula). It's the mum's choice. And the attendees muck in and help. You can also have your husband if you want and if he's got time off work.

The point of the confinement (which isn't literally being confined like locked in) is to prioritise the mum. It's all about what the mum wants/needs.

It sounds like no one around op is listening to her. The visitors she's getting aren't her chosen ones. They aren't prioritising her wants/needs.

Show quote history

Can I ask why you can't have your mil help? What if you don't have female family members? No one from the husbands side or just mil?

Also what do the men typically do in this time? It seems like the father should be there taking care of his baby and not just relying on the female family members to do that.

DissidentDaughter · 16/02/2024 01:03

coconean · 16/02/2024 00:44

Aww thankyou!

Show quote history

I was badly torn too (ouch!) and totally knackered. Sooo relieved when the HV gave my visitors their marching orders - in no uncertain terms!

You’ll know when you feel ready ☺️

fuchsteufelswild · 16/02/2024 01:09

Tell them each request to see the baby adds 2 days to the waiting period. Congrats!