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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To explode at family pressuring to see newborn?

457 replies

coconean · 15/02/2024 20:25

I have a newborn and not had the best birth and have been quite poorly.

I have explained to family several times now when I am ready I will let them know.
Quite a few of family members have complained of fevers, flu etc so for obvious reasons im keeping my distance.

Nobody seems to be respecting what I am saying and keep bombarding me with texts, like let me enjoy my baby!

I feel ready to explode, I didnt do this when they had babies and left them to it until they were ready and just want the same respect.

OP posts:
PillowRest · 15/02/2024 20:42

ZenNudist · 15/02/2024 20:39

Are you a single parent? I don't understand why husband / partner can't introduce baby to their family if you're ill.

Also how many family members are ill? Yes fine don't give new baby illness but how many people actually have an illness and how much is you just being difficult? Most people will be well enough I'd have thought.

Family usually want to see baby.

You'd actually send your newborn off for the day?
Even if it's possible with not breastfeeding most mums don't want to be away from their baby as newborns, aside from the amount of midwife/health visitor/ear test etc appointments.
Extended family can wait until they're well and mum has recovered from birth, it'll still be the same baby.

Noideawwhatsoccuring · 15/02/2024 20:43

Which family and how old is the new born?

Prizefighter · 15/02/2024 20:43

This really depends. A new baby is a family affair so I am pretty sympathetic to people wanting to meet their grandchild or nephew or whatever. They don’t think they are bombarding you - and truly this is much better than a family that doesn’t care.

TeenLifeMum · 15/02/2024 20:43

I hate the current trend of keeping newborns from the wider loving family. It’s exciting when a new baby arrives and family want to be involved, don’t push them away. I mean, if it’s a day after birth then fine but how long are we actually speaking here?

AhBiscuits · 15/02/2024 20:44

I got home from the hospital 5 hours after giving birth and plonked my son straight into MIL's arm. She looked SO happy, absolutely beside herself. I'm glad she got to have that moment with him, it was really special. They change a lot in the early days, don't alienate people who might be able to help and support you.

SweetBirdsong · 15/02/2024 20:46

It's a shame you have got covid @coconean Grin

Be at least 2 weeks til you feel fit to see anyone!

owlsinthedaylight · 15/02/2024 20:47

If a few days, then of course, just get DP to run interference and say you aren’t ready.

If a week or so, then surely DP could have baby for an hour or two to see visitors while you continue to rest.

If multiple weeks, then they are probably concerned in case you have anxiety or PND.

DinoMummsy · 15/02/2024 20:48

Yanbu, ignore those repeatedly pestering to visit. Your baby isn't there for their entertainment - if they love you, they should respect your boundaries. And definitely steer well clear of the ill family members til they're completely better. Looking after a newborn whilst having flu and recovering from giving birth is awful - trust me. Big hugs, hope you get some peace to recover from the birth and enjoy baby. Don't give those overbearing relatives another thought.

mummylove24 · 15/02/2024 20:48

I think some are missing what @coconean said, she’s asked her family for space “several times” but they’re still pressuring her. This is about boundaries. Nobody is entitled or owed the right to see anyone’s child!

Original poster
coconean · 15/02/2024 20:49

6 days old.
Its been every day, nobody is offering to help just to come round.

OP posts:
BeadedBubbles · 15/02/2024 20:49

Do you have a partner who could manage short visits for you? With my first born I'd just take myself and baby off for a nap when I'd had enough, leaving dh to chat to visitors.

MixingPlaydough · 15/02/2024 20:49

AhBiscuits · 15/02/2024 20:44

I got home from the hospital 5 hours after giving birth and plonked my son straight into MIL's arm. She looked SO happy, absolutely beside herself. I'm glad she got to have that moment with him, it was really special. They change a lot in the early days, don't alienate people who might be able to help and support you.

I have to admit looking back I was so glad I allowed so many people to visit as soon as DS was born. He was only a couple of months old when COVID hit, if I'd waited the 6-8 weeks a poster up thread said their doctor recommended he would have been over a year before he met some of them.

PeloMom · 15/02/2024 20:50

Doesn’t matter how old your baby is and what others want. Your baby your rules your comfort. You reach out for visits when YOU are ready. In the meantime, put your phone on do not disturb and recuperate.

PeloMom · 15/02/2024 20:52

Just saw 6 days old. At that point I wasn’t ready for anyone. Hubby handled all visits on his own (very few and no longer than 10-15mins) and showed sleeping baby on the monitor. That was for a couple of months. If people weren’t happy they could go F off.

owlsinthedaylight · 15/02/2024 20:53

coconean · 15/02/2024 20:49

6 days old.
Its been every day, nobody is offering to help just to come round.

Oh bless you. 6 days! Just block messages and get someone else to deal with them. Particularly if it’s been constant. Tell them they can see baby 5 days after they stop asking 😜

Sunshineclouds11 · 15/02/2024 20:54

Put your phone on do not disturb

TurnTheKey · 15/02/2024 20:56

@PillowRest I did. I went to my parents when I left hospital and had a good sleep while they played pass the parcel with the baby.
That way everyone got to see the baby while I snored my head off.

TheShellBeach · 15/02/2024 21:02

coconean · 15/02/2024 20:49

6 days old.
Its been every day, nobody is offering to help just to come round.

Well, that's not fair!

shreknjumps · 15/02/2024 21:07

"My doctor recommend giving yourselves 6-8 weeks to adjust before accepting visitors. Both as a doctor and a Mum of 3 herself"

I'd be asking for a different doctor. Preferably one on the same planet. 8 fucking weeks 🤣🤣🤣

TurquoiseDress · 15/02/2024 21:08

shreknjumps · 15/02/2024 21:07

"My doctor recommend giving yourselves 6-8 weeks to adjust before accepting visitors. Both as a doctor and a Mum of 3 herself"

I'd be asking for a different doctor. Preferably one on the same planet. 8 fucking weeks 🤣🤣🤣

Indeed!
GrinGrinGrin

Mumoftwo1312 · 15/02/2024 21:14

Yanbu whatsoever and not being precious (ugh, frankly a misogynistic word to use in this context, I wish mumsnetters wouldn't use it so much).

At 6 days, you'll still be bleeding profusely, leaking BM, in pain from uterine contraction... the list goes on. Your dh needs to gatekeep much better than he's currently doing.

I think two weeks (at least) of no visitors is completely justifiable. It's considered to be good for establishing breastfeeding too.

Lots of cultures have a postpartum confinement period where visitors are shut out apart from core attendees and the mum does minimal chores and doesn't get fully dressed. Imo this is the best way

Mumoftwo1312 · 15/02/2024 21:17

shreknjumps · 15/02/2024 21:07

"My doctor recommend giving yourselves 6-8 weeks to adjust before accepting visitors. Both as a doctor and a Mum of 3 herself"

I'd be asking for a different doctor. Preferably one on the same planet. 8 fucking weeks 🤣🤣🤣

In my mum's country 8 weeks is the traditional postpartum confinement period (although most modern mums there do 2-3 weeks).

"The planet" is bigger than your imagination clearly. There are other countries where things are done differently

EarringsandLipstick · 15/02/2024 21:20

PeloMom · 15/02/2024 20:52

Just saw 6 days old. At that point I wasn’t ready for anyone. Hubby handled all visits on his own (very few and no longer than 10-15mins) and showed sleeping baby on the monitor. That was for a couple of months. If people weren’t happy they could go F off.

Dear God. Showed them the baby on a monitor (unless I'm missing something? Was the baby ill?)

It's clearly an individual choice what you are comfortable with. However I cannot imagine not wanting my close family to meet my new baby as soon as possible, and equally, I've made a big effort to see my family's new arrivals as soon as I can.

Redmat · 15/02/2024 21:22

Have both sets parents seen your baby. Quite unusual to exclude grandparents.

EarringsandLipstick · 15/02/2024 21:22

And all this 'offering to help'?

I don't remember anyone offering. I wasn't doing much when they arrived; tea was made (by someone), there were cakes / biscuits.

I had a combination of straightforward and less-so births.

I'm not saying I didn't welcome them putting their cups in the dishwasher, but really, what more help is needed? Your H can do the rest.