To explode at family pressuring to see newborn?

[coconean]

I have a newborn and not had the best birth and have been quite poorly.

I have explained to family several times now when I am ready I will let them know.
Quite a few of family members have complained of fevers, flu etc so for obvious reasons im keeping my distance.

Nobody seems to be respecting what I am saying and keep bombarding me with texts, like let me enjoy my baby!

I feel ready to explode, I didnt do this when they had babies and left them to it until they were ready and just want the same respect.

yo yes. Now that mums are chucked out after 1-3 days there's no support and no one to keep visitors at bay. New dads are often as out of their depth as mums. A proper hospital stay would allow for recovery.

Not here to argue op looking for opinions i gave mine now off you pop!

See here..... not a single word about the mother in your post. Point made.

Why are people so funny!!

When I'd given birth the mil came 2 days later to hospital. Bought flowers etc. I would never have dreamt of saying no. Probably didn't look my best but hey ho.
They are excited and they care.

No wonder there's such a divide in some families.

I'm well aware of what a difficult birth the OP had, and think her approach to wider family etc is fine. She needs time to recover. She had my sympathies for the pain she is on, and her family are being unreasonable. I did obviously think maybe she should let the grandparents in sooner rather than later, but that was before it emerged that (1) they had (2) the nagging relatives are more distant (3)she's only just got home from hospital. I agree in sending a firm message and then switching off her phone. She needs peace and recovery.

My comment was in response to a very extreme postnatal confinement scenario suggested as the ideal by another poster.

It's a bit of a spin off discussion that emerged on post natal confinement.

It wasn't the optional 'stay in if you want and we'll look after you' scenario of many cultures, but more extreme than that.

The confinement lauded has a woman and her baby alone for 3 months, with the father and other children excluded. It would mean not even anyone to hold the baby whilst the mum has a nap or a shower. No breastfeeding support group, no one to make the mum a cup of tea even.

Toddlers would have 3 months without their mum. Dad's wouldn't be able to spend any time with their newborn, wouldn't be able to share the load. It was specifically mentioned that this would mean women wouldn't be subject to men's advances for sex. 3 months in a flat just mum and baby and no one else so they could get to know each other. As someone else pointed out, the whole setup seems more about notions of 'uncleanliness after birth' than supporting mums.

I'm by no means suggesting that the OP should be even thinking about sex, or holidays. (Really no...). After such a tricky birth, she's in recovery mode and extended family can get stuffed. It was more that that being in literal solitary confinement was not needed to get to know a baby, that some women can enjoy going out, can enjoy sex, and wouldn't want to be in a prison where they couldn't even take baby for a walk in the pram. That is possible to do those things and still get to know your baby.

@IfOn please see above. This was the context I'd what I posted.

I think postnatal confinement is an interesting concept and worth discussing but this isn't the thread for it. I got sucked into an interesting side discussion because the concept horrified me so much but maybe it's one we can take elsewhere (as long as it's not banned for being a TAAT)

@Babyboomtastic thank you for a thoughtful and respectful reply. It would be great to continue a civilised discussion on postnatal confinement on another thread. I’m actually an anthropologist and would have a few things to say!

I might start one once toddler goes to bed. I won't derail any further than to quote the section that I was arguing, so you can see what it was that was being debated. I won't get into it any further on here though.

*Did a little Social Anthropology at university, and read about a culture where women give birth then are placed in accommodation alone with their newborn for three whole months. People bring them food, and take care of their older children, but no-one is allowed in with mother and baby. It seemed like a good system - time to establish breastfeeding, get to know each other and bond, no need to fend off demanding relatives, no germs etc.

Not sure what would happen if the mother has a toddler she's still feeding as well as the newborn. Common sense says they'd be in with the mother but I don't know*

I think you need to mute your chats with this people or block them until you are ready to deal with them. Take the time you need to recover and heal and don't feel guilty.
Prioritise you and your healing. X

I’d be interested if anyone could say what cultural practice this description is about. An admittedly cursory Google hasn’t helped. In fact the closest thing I can find described is the Chinese practice of sitting a month, and this description completely misrepresents the practice if so. Visitors are encouraged after 2 weeks, as an example. It’s the mother’s actions which are restricted, not the wider family’s.

On a practical level, can you either:

1. Get one close relative who is more understanding to take care of "managing" the rest of the family for you. Get them to go round everyone and explain you're not up to visitors yet, and for them to go via them to find out when you're up for visitors. To avoid bad feeling, this person may have to accept being last to get to see you themself.
2. Create a group WhatsApp, so you only have to say things once, and can maybe stick a few pics/etc in there to keep them happy meantime.

?

Not really a point made. I am a mother, talking about how the rest of the family could feel.

Yes we all know about how the family could feel. They make it very clear, as do you. But this isn't about them. There in lies the point.

Yes they're hilarious. Well on OP's 2nd day she was in a high dependency unit recovering. She is still ill and recovering.

Not sure you have RTWT? OP has seen her MIL and wants to see her parents and other close relatives. Doesn't want to see these relatives that are hard work (her own parents have said don't invite them because of this) and haven't made any effort with her. They have been ignoring her and bombarding her with messages and pressurising her mum. Her parents have told them to stop pestering her.There is a divide in the family and it was there a long time before OP had her baby.

Not particularly funny, quite sad really

They could be feeling worried about you if you are feeling quite anxious. Bothering you isn't helping though. Can you make a date to see everyone and get it over and done with.

I was always so keen for people to meet my baby after two ghastly, dangerous births, but we arranged to meet in the local pub so I didnt have to look after anyone, they could order food and drinks if they wanted and I could leave when I'd had enough. Seemed to make it all easier.

Change your settings so you silence or can’t see notifications maybe?

Congratulations on your new baby. It sounds like you’re not ready for visitors yet, I completely understand where you’re coming from. It can be a difficult adjustment. Just let your other half deal with visiting requests. A message as simple as “we can’t wait for you to meet our baby but we are just adjusting to being a new family the moment. We will let you know as soon as we are ready for visitors.
enjoy you’re baby, they grow so quick xx

YANBU and please please don’t be bullied by people feeling entitled to intrude. I had exactly this after my first and it still makes me feel sick - think BIL and some random girl he was seeing bowling up to the hospital after a terrible birth and looming over me with a catheter still in - and grandparents sitting on sofa for hours talking absolute drivel while I bled and made cups of tea.

Send a final blanket text, via partner ideally, saying please give me some space, all is well just need to recover. Chuck your phone on airplane mode or similar and just rest and bond.

Also (and I am prob in a minority), but people wanting to “help” was something I found really cloying and intrusive…people wanting to do my washing and hoover or turn up with fucking casseroles caused me a lot of stress - I just wanted to be left in peace and privacy. Don’t be made to feel like some kind of unreasonable princess because you’re following your very best and most primal instinct to create a safe comfortable and private space xxx congrats on your baby xxxx

Just don’t reply !!!
just stop replying!!

you’ve just had a baby for goodness sake !!

where is your partner? He should be the gate keeper.

if you don’t reply they’ll either text/phone him or turn up on your door step. His (or her!) job is to tell them to go away as you are recovering and it is your wish to be left to rest.

all you should be doing is resting.

turn off your phone, or put everyone on do not disturb unless you want to communicate with them. Do the testing and the being with your baby.

Take the time you need OP. Your body, your baby. Grandparents had their experience of a newborn, this is yours and your husband's.
I had a week with no visitors, husband wanted that too and thankfully both sets of parents respected that and understood. We were pretty sure we were only having 1 so really wanted to soak in the time.
I am fortunate though that when family did visit they were super stars and did help, made drinks, helped cook (they insisted), did some nappy changes even though didn't ask them to (and before anyone shouts at me they got LOADS of cuddle time)
Hope your better soon OP and congratulations.

I wonder what people from cultures where the whole community welcomes and celebrates the baby and mother and is involved from the birth would make of some posters on this thread. They would probably be baffled at the mother hiding away for days/weeks, refusing visits and offers of support. Having family visit isn't going to prevent mothers from bonding eith their baby. I was bonded with my ds even before he was born.

Congratulations on your baby op and sorry you've had a tough birth. I had a 2nd degree tear and 48 hour labour and it was a shock and took me a long time to physically and mentally heal from the birth, but I did and so will you. It takes time.

When I had my baby, my in laws had a Sunday roast a week after I got home from hospital and invited my partner's siblings and grandparents so everyone from that side of the family met my baby at their house at once. It was a bit chaotic but it meant that we could see everyone at once in one place and then go home, and there was no washing up or anything for us to deal with. It might be a good idea to ask your parents to do something like that for you, maybe in a week or so.

Im just going to ignore all texts from them now and its getting too much.

I have sent pics and videos but still insisting on visiting me.

What gets me is the entitlement as if it is their given right "when are we meeting XYZ?".

I had an extremely difficult pregnancy and a very traumatic birth, I just want to be left alone to heal and recover and enjoy my beautiful baby.

Like I have previously mentioned, my 2 siblings have never even invited me to their homes and it is always expected for me to host them. I dont want them in my house.
Simple.

Going to my parents who live an hour away isnt really an option at this stage as he is only over a week old.

As the mother of a newborn I should not feel bullied and people should respect my wishes regardless if they agree with it or not.
I would never dream of pestering someone with a newborn baby or feel entitled.
Even my mum has said its too much now and to leave me alone to recover.

Say it louder for the dimwits in the back!

So glad you are sticking to your guns OP.

This about sums it up:

"As the mother of a newborn I should not feel bullied and people should respect my wishes regardless if they agree with it or not.
I would never dream of pestering someone with a newborn baby or feel entitled"

PERIOD. END OF.

its still generally being precious when people say we want time alone etc.

Never occured to me, people want to see baby so they came.

Im sure I didnt feel my best 2 days after a caeserian but never thought to put people off.

In some cultures, it is actually normal for mum and baby to be given some space where mums are limited to certain activities so they can focus on healing and bonding with their baby.