To explode at family pressuring to see newborn?

[coconean]

I have a newborn and not had the best birth and have been quite poorly.

I have explained to family several times now when I am ready I will let them know.
Quite a few of family members have complained of fevers, flu etc so for obvious reasons im keeping my distance.

Nobody seems to be respecting what I am saying and keep bombarding me with texts, like let me enjoy my baby!

I feel ready to explode, I didnt do this when they had babies and left them to it until they were ready and just want the same respect.

OP, your body and your baby. You do what suits you.

I would send a blanket text to everyone and say at the moment you need quiet time but, when you’re ready, you’ll invite people over. Add, that if people pressure you, you will block them and that will be indefinite.

If people put pressure on block and then you have the space you need. Or, they will be respectful and you can invite them when it suits.

Don’t sweat this. Enjoy your baby and I hope you make a quick recovery. Oh and congratulations!

I did this as well. I'd been in labour for 4 days so when I was let home the day after she was born, I just told DP he was going to have to deal with the baby as I was about to die of exhaustion. I'd lost a shit load of blood, had a transfusion and felt like death on a stick. He just called the grandparents round en masse and I just snored for about 8 hours 😂. Was bliss.

This made me laugh.

I spent 5 days in hospital with my ds after an EMCS.

My parents and in laws and siblings came daily which was great.

I'm the same as the poster above who couldn't wait to place Damon the arms of the first person willing to cuddle him so I could sleep.

I was lucky my neighbour was a retired midwife. She'd turn up - stick kettle on - run me a bath - and do some housework.

I know some people would find this intrusive but she genuinely cared and saved my sanity some days 🤣

It doesn’t matter how old the newborn is… All that matters is what the mother needs at the moment.

If you’re not ready, that’s fine. When you’re ready then it’s OK.

And if people later down the road years from now say that they’re not connected because you didn’t let them come over when they wanted to? They can go fuck themselves.

And please tell your husband/partner to run interference and tell them that they are the contact point until you’re ready. you have every right to protect yourself and your newborn.

This is your situation. Not the OP.

Please stop projecting your experience or expectations onto her.

Also though Tbf it's not people in general you are forbidding to visit.

You made it sound like no one was getting over the threshold.

Your situation with random cousins etc not baiting after 6 days is fine and I'd just mute your what's app chat with them and I mute when your ready to reply with vitiating times.

This brings back memories for me. I wish I was on mumsnet and had asked this question and people had encouraged me to just wait til I was ready. Cos the pressure for visitors was so intense.

Reply to the messages saying
”Are you ok? I am really worried about you. Despite my numerous messages stating I will let you know when I’m ready you keep asking the same thing. Are you having other memory losses and problems? Maybe you need to see a doctor.”

I fully supported my dd to have a week of just her and her dh with their new baby.
I was excited to meet dgs but happy to wait if that was dd’s preference.
I know dd's in laws found the waiting tough though.

Yanbu op, but you need to speak up. You're a mother now and you are the voice for your baby. Don't worry what other people think about you. You need to grow a thick skin. We only saw people even family members a few weeks after. My mum was there immediately and so were my siblings - but they are helpful and made our lives easier. My IL are nice but are the kind to be in the way or want to be hosted so we told them to come after a month. I could care a shiny shit if anyone got offended. I think because they know I'm that way, they don't cross my boundaries.
Fortunately my dh also knows that it was me that just had a baby and he wanted to ensure I recovered well and settled in. He even said that the baby isn't going anywhere so everyone can just wait.
Block everyone till you both feel better and even then you don't owe anyone anything! People who make your life miserable or harder are going to be of no value to your child, so don't hesitate to not bother about them.

The norm among most Polynesian/Melanesian peoples was for the new mother to be placed in a hut of her own, far from the bustle of everyday life, and allowed to be quietly looked after by other women, to rest and establish feeding. The fact that she was bleeding actually acted as a taboo, but a very useful one. This is what we have lost.

Why do people get so entitled over a new baby?

I can understand Grandparents being desperate to see both you and baby but cousins you haven't seen in years?! Bizarre.

I think sending photos is enough for all but the handful of people you and DH decide you want to see.

As for your siblings, I think I'd just message them once more and say you're not well and you'll be in touch to arrange a meet up at your parents over the summer. Then I'd ignore all further messages on the subject. If you're not close and you find their visits difficult then you're right to put your foot down, OP.

Don't let other people ruin this time for you. You should be relaxing in your little bubble and getting used to life with a new born, not stressing over other people's demands.

The answer totally depended on how the mothers mental health is at that point. Postpartum hormonal changes wont be kinder to all. I have had postpartum depression signs where I didn't want to see my child in the first two weeks. But with the support from my husband, I was able to feel better. He took two months off work to help me physically and mentally. Having said that I remember not interested in seeing any family members. Not even seeing them on the phone. I wanted to shut myself and only look after my family. I am not talking about any family. My own blood and flesh. Although I do not know how that lady feels or her situation, it is quiet common to keep distance from everyone.

I gave birth 8 weeks ago. We have met people this week for the first time, and I have yet to host anyone. You do what’s best for you and your baby. Congratulations.

Your child, your health both mental and physical, your rules. If they're worth knowing, they will respect that, if they don;t, then you won't miss them except in a good way.
They ought to be willing to wait to see the baby- it's not going to run away for gods's sakes.

I'm not. This is a general question as it's something that crops up on here all the time

My baby is similar age and and we’ve not had an easy start either. Only people we’re allowing to visit is people I feel close to/comfortable with AND who want to come around and help. Perfectly normal and reasonable. When we’re ready for visitors they will be asked to rearrange their visit if they have any symptoms of illness. For those people who don’t respect this I would ignore and delete their messages, don’t engage, and ask your partner to tell them that you’re too ill to reply and/or receive visitors. Congratulations and wishing you a speedy recovery.

Ask your parents to manage your siblings for you and stop replying to their texts.

Actually it is all about her. She’s a new mother and newly postpartum

Take your time and don’t worry about others. Ive heard people say 12 weeks is when you might be ready for visitors with the first.
people are selfish or clueless. But they don’t matter. All that’s important is you and baby

When I first read your post I thought you were stopping all visitors and felt a bit sad for the important people (parents/grandparents etc)… but reading your follow ups I’m just thinking what cheeky bloody fuckers your family (extended) are!
My parents met baby by invite within hours of birth, my siblings (who I love) that evening… I tried to get everyone in while in hospital to save having to have them round at home, but obviously you were in HDU so weren’t up to it!

I would send another photo with a message saying you’re sorry they haven’t met baby yet but you are not up to visitors, please be patient and don’t hassle me, I’ll be in touch! Thanks!!

and then ignore any messages that pressure you, it’s disgusting how they’re treating you! Tell them you’re traumatised and just want peace and quiet!!

When you are able to except guests I’d organise to meet them in a pub nearby or half way between yours and theirs so their kids don’t trash your house!… or invite yourself to theirs… either way you can leave when it gets too much.

This 100%

Hi Coconean
you are 100% right in feeling angry. Some people may feel happy to have visitors in the first couple of days others in the first couple of weeks - other new parents may not want visitors for 6 weeks. The point is it’s up to YOU ( yes relatives may want to see you and the baby but it’s what you want and need for you and your baby that’s a priority and not other people’s needs ) . When I had my first ( 25 years ago ) I found it really hard to establish breast feeding and I was knackered through lack of sleep. I wanted to focus on my baby and me - I too felt like you and I was very assertive about it. Not having visitors helped me bond with my baby, establish feeding and routine, get sleep when I wanted too and reduced the likelihood of me getting post natal depression . I didn’t have the time or energy to think about other people’s feelings. You do what you have to do for you and your baby - sod everyone else. True friends and caring family will understand and if they don’t - tough Shit !! Xxx

Congratulations first of all.

Secondly, you and the baby are the most important people in this. Building your bond, particularly after a traumatic birth, is the main goal after keeping the baby alive and well. In order to this, you need to feel as relaxed and supported as possible.

So they can fuck off. I feel really cross on your behalf OP.

How about a blanket email/text to all;

Dear family;

Here are some more photos of baby. I’m really keen for you to meet them when the time is right but for now, I need to recover from the birth and focus on building our bond.

We are therefore having a ‘babymoon’ and will not be accepting visits for at least two weeks except from xyz who are helping out practically.

We love that everyone is so keen to meet him/her and we are excited about that too. We will be in touch to organise visits soon.

In the meantime I am finding managing texts is distracting me from focusing on what matters to me most so I am turning my phone off (or blocking).

Look forward to seeing you once we are out of the ‘babymoon’ bonding phase.

Some people want to show off their newborns- that’s great for them. I was a bit like that with my second and happily gave my in laws a cuddle 24 hours after she was born. However, there should be no expectation that everyone can and will want to do that for every birth.

With my first I was a hot mess and wanted everyone to fuck off. I was in hospital for 4 days (should have probably been longer but I discharged myself as hated the post natal ward) baby wasn’t feeding well and had a constant stream of appointments and was in a fair amount of pain for at least two weeks. I had extreme emotions in the first few days if someone else held the baby. My in laws came over at about day 6 which was probably too soon in all honesty but that was about as much as we could delay without a row. My parents a week later and I was in a much better place. By then, I was totally fine and settled but I needed a bit of recovery time.

Anyone wanting a visit should be guided by the wishes of the mother. It is not bloody difficult to say ‘ we’d love to meet baby when you’re ready and we’ll of course bring something for lunch’.