To explode at family pressuring to see newborn?

[coconean]

I have a newborn and not had the best birth and have been quite poorly.

I have explained to family several times now when I am ready I will let them know.
Quite a few of family members have complained of fevers, flu etc so for obvious reasons im keeping my distance.

Nobody seems to be respecting what I am saying and keep bombarding me with texts, like let me enjoy my baby!

I feel ready to explode, I didnt do this when they had babies and left them to it until they were ready and just want the same respect.

I think it very much depends on the relationship. If my mum and I were really close and I’d felt supported and unconditionally cared for by her, I’d have wanted her around. As it is, she stresses me out and often does things that upset me. So I wanted time to bond with the baby without my emotions being influenced negatively. My MIL was more helpful but also took my crying baby out of my arms and bossed me to go and sleep. I cried upstairs and did eventually sleep for a bit, but it was horrible. Some people are good to have around. Others aren’t.

‘I’m so sorry but I’ve been very unwell and tired, the baby is just a few days old and I’m receiving message after message from people wanting to come over. I’m not ready. I’m going to turn my phone off for a few days and I’ll message you when I’m ready to have you visit.’ And then turn their notifications off. You’re recovering from being unwell and asking nicely / politely for space doesn’t seem to be computing in their heads.

Individual choice but wtf has happened that people don’t want their family to see their babies! I keep hearing this nonsense. I really don’t get it. Have a female relative the same who you had to book a slot with to see baby, so I didn’t bother now 3 years old and met baby once at a wedding

I find it strange too. People talking about 6-12 weeks before allowing visitors? People have become so insular these days.

Or are more able to say what they need and aren’t pushed around by social norms? For me I just wanted time to bond. I didn’t want to be distracted by visitors. I want to enjoy my baby without having to make small talk. Also I think we understand the role of attachment patterns now so if visitors will interfere with binding it’s a good thing. Different strokes for different folks.

Absolutely. Lock the door if you need to. An overbearing family ultimately "did" for my relationship with Dear Partner - family turning up every day in the first three weeks after birth was too much too often (my ex-DP has nine (9) siblings, before anyone asks).

I remember close family visiting early on and a few friends. People who I’ve always trusted. Some of them genuinely wanted to help and I had some time to nap because of it. This was over the first few weeks, however it was usually one visitor at a time. They were more than welcome to come to drop things off etc. I stayed with parents so had family support for those first months.

I understand waiting until vaccinations if that makes you feel at ease.

I only let “large family groups” (such as extended cousins, family members I don’t actually speak to) visit after about 2/3 months. Mainly because I was still recovering and so out of it I just didn’t want to be seen by people I wasn’t familiar with.

I can see why you are annoyed. I agree with maybe asking OH to organise. And maybe just letting close family help out (they will see you are vulnerable anyway and might want to lend a hand).

I do wish you a speedy recovery and hope that you find a way to manage this stress free x

My dm turned up when dd1 was 2 days old with a meal for us all and another for the fridge for dh and I. In laws showed up when dd was just over a week old and brought nothing, sat on the sofa while dh served them. When dh went back to work, dm came and stayed for a week, cleaned, cooked and was amazing. I really depends on the family wanting to come.

I am still angry at mil and fil for staying 3 days after dtds were born and dd1 was a toddler - they did nothing and even had a nap because they were tired one afternoon. I had an emergency cs and 10 days in scbu having nearly lost dtd1 and was exhausted. The final straw was when dh came down from the shower to find me washing up breakfast stuff because pil were laying across the sofas and there was literally no where for me to sit my post op body. I’ve never seen dh so angry. He actually told them they needed to leave. They even had the nerve to message after they got home saying they hope we’re okay as we seemed quite stressed! Argh… that was 12 years ago 😂

6-8 weeks with no visitors is absurd... that would cause any new mum to suffer pnd

Introducing my new born babies to my Mum and MIL was absolutely heart stopping. Seeing their joy was so lovely. Both grandpas sadly were not alive. Each to their own but we as a family share the good times as well as the bad times.
Cannot imagine telling my mum she would have to wait a few weeks to meet her grandchild 🤦‍♀️
Can honestly say IRL I have never heard of this idea😳

Awk @coconean furatky, massive massive congrats on the birth of your (I’m certain)beautiful new baby, do you mind if I. Ask if this is ur first? (Don’t feel obligated to answer that), secondly your kind approach to your relatives hasn’t worked, even your parents have told them to leave you for a while & you’ve told them you’ll contact when your ready- I would at this stage literally be saying something along the lines of- look we appreciate you wanting to come & meet our beautiful newborn, however as I’ve stated many, many times, I’m only 7 days post op, feel like 💩 and don’t have the strength, headspace or energy to have anyone visit yet- at all- including surprise visits! Once I’ve healed & am feeling better & DP & I feel ready, we will contact you to let you know your welcome to visit- but please please head this message as I will not be replying to another request.

and do not feel bad/guilty about it at all! This time is so so special & important for the three of you and (assuming this is your 1st) it goes by too quick- I would advise you to take as many pics & videos of baby as u can as my now nearly 7 year old absolutely loves looking back at my (no joke) 20,000 pics of him through the years- enjoy, let your DP help when he can, rest & make sure your drinking plenty & getting good nutrition as that helps your healing process- all the absolute best for this beautiful chapter in your lives 🥰🥰🥰🥰❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

I was annoyed too everyone wanting to see us after our baby. the reason I was so bothered by everyone wanting to see our baby all within the first week is because every single family member that came to meet baby stayed at our house. We live about 2 hours away from all of our family but it was too much within the first week. Literally my brother my sister my mom my in laws all separately came up to stay. I was about to lose it because my house was being taken over and I was a brand new mom. I love them dearly but as a new mom i needed space to feel comfortable learning how to take care of a new baby.

I think people are just excited to see the baby. Most people would be upset if there was no interest at all in their new baby. Also, these are the people you’ll need to babysit and will want to have a role in the baby’s life. I’d try to find a balance between your privacy for recovery and letting your closest family/friends meet the baby for a short visit.

@ambr these aren't people the OP is going to need to babysit and are going to have a very minor role in her baby's life.

After a week i would say that if close family are being kept at bay it's rooted in something deeper than not being ready. Cause the baby is sleeping most of the time and OH is there to entertain guests.

All I can say is that if this is rooted in past issues with in-laws etc, don't allow that to influence your decisions with your child. I have seen similar situations play out in other families, and in the end the mothers turn around and wonder why the families don't have a close bond with their child. They get annoyed that the family have a closer bond with other children, but somehow fail to connect the dots that the parents of those children showed a desire for family to be involved rather than pushing them away.

@Allequal

After a week i would say that if close family are being kept at bay it's rooted in something deeper than not being ready. Cause the baby is sleeping most of the time and OH is there to entertain guests.

OP was in hospital for six days, so they have not long been at home. In-laws have seen the baby. Close family are not being kept at bay, just ones OP has a distant and/or difficult relationship with. OP's issue isn't keeping family members away but that certain difficultones are ignoring her requests and trying to overrule her

Have you read the OP’s posts? The family she doesn’t want to have over yet is siblings she isn’t close to (never been invited to their homes or their children’s birthdays) and cousins not seen in years.

OP, fellow mother of a newborn here! I had quite an easy birth but still needed lots of recovery, physically and mentally. We saw close family in the first few days but only those who would actually help us.

I’m shocked at some of the replies on here. You do what’s best for you and your family.

Congratulations and good luck with your recovery and the rest of the newborn phase!

Interesting responses here. There seems to be a divide between those who have a straightforward births and had relatives happy to help out and those that had trickier births and didn't have relatives to help.

I had a tricky birth, didnt come home for 7 days and even 4 weeks later I couldn't stand unaided. We didn't have relatives who were able to help unfortunately as they were very elderly/ill themselves. They wanted to visit, and they did, but it was very hard and I really think people need to read the situation. For everyone saying OP should allow visitors, I think you really need to try and put yourselves in her shoes. My pet hate is seeing royals stood on hospital steps a few hours later - this really doesn't send out the right message about the harsh reality for a lot of people and puts undue pressure on women.

From my personal experience, trust me, just ignore the texts. At the end of the day you have to do what is right and what you feel in your heart to protect the family that came from you aka your kids. No one else will protect them in the way that you will. And everyone will get there time when you feel comfortable. This can very easily cause you a lot of unnecessary anxiety and in a month from now etc when you look back on this you'll be happy you chose safety first and didn't listen to family and friends. Enjoy these precious moments with your little babe and don't let these texts bother you! Not worth it! In every situation that comes up do what's best for your family and stand strong in it. You will only gain more confidence as a mother.

When people have babies, other people get excited. They are excited because it is exciting, and they are excited for you. I know it’s exhausting but why don’t you let them come over and help you out? One of the best bits of advice I got when I had kids was to accept all offers of help. Just be honest with them and say you’ve been finding it hard so when they come over could they take it easy please. Getting pissed with people for being nice isn’t any fun for you, them, or baby.

I had the same at 17 days old with my second DURING COVID in 2020 - 🤣 I got crappy messages because I had a rough labour and was still recovering and wouldn't drive my baby around to 7 different family members houses for a 'drive by visit' 🤣😩 despite me still not having met my neice although she was 6 months old at this point 🤣 which, due to covid being rife and everyone stressing. I made no issue of. But clearly, I was out of like at 17 days old.

Im now 28 weeks with baby number 3 and I live 250 miles away from where we lived before so, I won't be going anywhere or welcoming anyone any time soon after birth.

Stick to your guns. No one wants sick people around newborns and with that said. Rest up yourself. Be kind to yourself. Take baths and showers and eat when you want / need to. You're doing great. 🖤

Take some time to recover, bond and ditch your phone. It's totally normal to feel this way and I'm sure they all mean well and you'll love the support when you're recovered and feeling better.

The baby will be asleep most of the time and will be much more alert in a few weeks for cuddles. The earliest we had visitors was around one month and most were happy and understood.

We have three.. 😂 I couldn't sit without pain, hormones made me spontaneously cry, and forever had my boobs out.

@Viewsaremyown

I know it’s exhausting but why don’t you let them come over and help you out?

Because: a) OP doesn't want them there (fair enough), b) they aren't going to help out, c) they are actually going to make more work for OP and her OH not less d) they have put little to no effort in their relationship with OP so why should she now?

OP has sent photos and is no longer responding. Her mum is telling them to back off. Sounds like it's sorted for now.

Thats lovely and how nice you have that relationship. Not everyone does. My mum at times of stress isn’t supportive. She leans even more on me. She causes me upset and stress. So no, I didn’t want her around in the first couple of weeks. And that’s ok. The most important thing is that the mum gets to heal and bond with her baby so anything conducive to that is good. Anything that makes that harder isn’t great. Please be supportive of this new mum. You must remember how vulnerable it can make you feel.