To explode at family pressuring to see newborn?

[coconean]

I have a newborn and not had the best birth and have been quite poorly.

I have explained to family several times now when I am ready I will let them know.
Quite a few of family members have complained of fevers, flu etc so for obvious reasons im keeping my distance.

Nobody seems to be respecting what I am saying and keep bombarding me with texts, like let me enjoy my baby!

I feel ready to explode, I didnt do this when they had babies and left them to it until they were ready and just want the same respect.

That was your choice. OP has done differently, and neither of you are wrong for doing what you feel is best for you.

So what you did @girlfriend44 is exactly the same as what the OP is doing? Family members have seen the baby and she wants close family to come. OP has explained quite clearly now why she doesn't want certain useless family members to come (who make little to no effort with her) and her mum also doesnt want them to go (and be a pain in the bum) - she isn't being 'precious'. Judging someone who is being quite reasonable isn't a good look. Did you have people around two days after your baby was born who you really didn't want to be there? If you did, more fool you. I think it's probably best to do what you feel comfortable with whether it's take a few days to bond and recover or bring the whole family the day you have given birth - it's obviously a very personal time and there is no wrong or right way.

Separate point but you know everyone doesn't always have to do things your way?

@girlfriend44 why people’s wants trump a new recovering mom’s needs?

6-8 WEEKS????? Oh hell no, my family would've had me carted back to the Drs with PND!

How rude of them. Its your baby just simply say I / we will let you know when we feel ready for visitors. End of! Look after yourself and yours
X

Congratulations and hope you recover well. It's really shitty when people try to hammer over pretty sensible boundaries.

Congratulatios for your wonderful addition to your family.
I imagine your family are just very excited & want to share in your joy, l don't think they mean to be domineering.
Do one text and send it to all, saying you know they want to share in your joy, but due to a difficult time you had, you just need a bit of time to sort yourself out & get used to a new routine & promise to be intouch very soon. You are important, & you need to look after you. Take care

Its never unreasonable for a mother to do whatever is best for her and her baby! Do what you feel comfortable with OP - and congratulations!

Tell them to go away. Seriously. Or blanket text to everyone asking , then put your phone on silent.

I'll never forget BIL and SIL coming over to my house looking all bright eyed and bushy tailed and making a mess when DD was 3 days old (they were childfree at the time). I'd been up all night bf and was tearful and had to make them cups of tea. If I had my time again I'd definitely not allow it.
You set the president for this. Don't let them intervene. Tell them you aren't ready at the moment.
Give them a date when you might be , to keep them quiet for now.
Hope you recover well. Congratulations and enjoy your baby X

Wow someone is projecting. None of this is what the OP is saying. Sounds like you’re the problem though, not hard to just respect someone’s wishes, even if it’s different to how you would do it. or accept you won’t be invited anymore I think you might be my mother in law 😂

People can be selfish but ultimately they are just excited and don't mean to be pushy.
Send a message to everyone, 'Hi everyone, we're all really tired and will let you know when we're feeling ready for visitors. Love from X And X
And then ignore any further messages completely.

I’m really surprised to see some of the messages in response here.

No one has the right to judge you. They haven’t had your experience and therefore can’t say ‘you’re being unreasonable’ etc.

I would say this. Just because we have phones, doesn’t mean we have to respond and reply to every call or message. Especially in times of difficulty. As a dad I only know from watching on, but birth can be a horrific experience for some. And managing a newborn, housework, self care, and just surviving, can be incredibly tough. So take your time, don’t respond to messages as some have said (until you are ready), and don’t let anyone pressure you into doing something until you feel ready.

The only other thing you can do, is to say to your partner to take this side of things on. When my wife had a difficult time it was my job to provide that buffer between people and her to let her enjoy the first few days and weeks of her babies and be that person at the door to say, sorry we aren’t ready for visitors just yet.

Wishing you well

actually it is all about the new mother

It's not unreasonable, no matter how old "newborn" is.

i'd send out a message explaining that you're not having visitors yet as you are bonding with baby ect and block. If they want to help out ect they can drop off food ect. they need to respect your boundaries some people can be so selfish. this time is all about you mama don't stress. i don't have anyone visit for weeks after i've had my babies I'm not here to entertain others

this!!!

I really wouldn’t listen to the people saying you’re being unreasonable etc! Your baby and your body when YOU feel ready to have visitors then that’s for YOU to dictate
perhaps use your other half to communicate this to everyone and let them know you can’t wait for them to meet the baby and will let them know when your feeling up for visitors. Congrats and enjoy your time with your baby and family x

Ppl have no idea about boundaries sometimes. Just tell them no. Be rude if u need to. On the other hand thought they maybe helpful. After my second baby barely anyone bothered to visit me and my DH was back at work after 2 days as self employed and we can’t afford anymore than that. I would have loved a visitor even just to entertain my toddler for half an hour

I read some advice that when you have a newborn, only invite people to visit in the early days that are comfortable enough to go in your kitchen, put your kettle on and make you and them a brew, because you need looking after when you have a newborn baby, not to be hosting.

Sounds like the family that are pressuring you probably don’t meet this criteria. I’d send a generic message around and then ignore them until you’re ready to entertain people.

Where's the baby's dad? Or a grandparent? Or support person?

Has the world gone mad?

No one, but no one, ever directly contacts the mother of a newborn. Not with any demands.

The mother is going through a lot of new experiences. She's going to be tired and probably a little neurotically anxious and emotional. And did I mention tired?

You might send congratulation messages directly to mum.

But you certainly go to dad/ grandparent/ support person, to find out when appropriate to visit.

There are appropriate times to focus on one thing and one thing only - like having a baby.

But how many new mothers go rushing to mumsnet, just after giving birth, to rant about their rights?

Just switch off your phone when not needed, and focus on baby. And switch on your phone, when you want to connect with other adults. And then you might begin to understand that your baby may also want to be stimulated by other adults.

And if they're comfortable and adored and encouraged by others from birth, they might grow up more confident and self-assured.

telestrations · 15/02/2024 20:39

My doctor recommend giving yourselves 6-8 weeks to adjust before accepting visitors. Both as a doctor and a Mum of 3 herself

That's actually ridiculous. I had my closest family meet my babies the night they were born!!!

Your baby your rules, I don’t understand how I’ve read so many responses that say you’re being unreasonable….nobody can dictate when you’re ready for family to meet the child you made and birthed. Not even baby’s father because quite frankly all they have done is ejaculate to make the child.

and of those said family members if they want nothing to do with your child because they weren’t able to hold them as a newborn, then you wouldn’t want them around anyway because it’s not about them. Most important is you and baby. Newborns (up to 3 months) don’t need anyone but their primary caregiver, so anything else is just down to your comfort level.

Late to the party, but for what it’s worth: I had a wonderful planned (due to medical reasons) c-section. Felt amazing. Home on day two. Was up making cups of teas for visiting midwives etc.
It was early January and there was a lot of snow. MIL, and BIL and his partner visited as well as a close friend. That’s it. No one else. My other half was like the go between - dealing with all the messages. 😆 Like a hot male secretary. Never left the house or saw anyone else for nearly three weeks. I still believe that’s the reason my boy slept through early on. We were chill, allowing ourselves to learn to be three and adapt.
In short: take as much time as you need. Do what feels right for you as a new family unit.

@coconean I've now read all of your posts.

I think you should consider permanently banning some of them - they sound horrible! - never mind not allowing them to come and see your baby. Ignore them, and hope they never speak to you again, if you're lucky!

I don't think you're unreasonable at all. Your body, your mind, your baby, your peace, your choice. You clearly need a little space to recover and process the birth. If people stopped pushing you might feel ready sooner. The pushiness is a clear indication that they are more worried about themselves and maybe not best placed to support with your current needs. It also doesn't sound like they get the need to protect newborns from illness. I would trust my gut. If you give in you may just resent them later on. People need to learn to accept sensible boundaries and stop undermining people just to get their own immediate satisfaction.