In-laws want their deposit back

[ArnosLeach]

I married 5 years ago and I have a three and a half year old and a nearly nine year old from a short lived relationship.

Full background as I am anticipating the questions I would want answering.

The nine year old sees their father once a month for a weekend. I assume that my ‘ex’ owns his house. He had a vasectomy before our child was born. We do not communicate on any level other than if arrangements need to change. He pays a set amount every month but every month will buy shoes/clothes etc.

We moved into the house my husband had bought fifteen years before. It has doubled in value. Following a miscarriage last year we are trying to conceive again and we are looking to move house. We mentioned this to the in-laws a fortnight ago. I did not know that they had provided DH with deposit.
They have now asked for twice the deposit back comprising the original sum and the proportion of what that deposit has added to the value.

They feel that my elder child will benefit from their largesse. We are both completely gutted by this. A bolt out of the blue.

But the gift was for him

Yawn.... Which is why you are single

I'd tell them to go and fuck themselves too and I'm happily married.

And now it’s his to do what he chooses.

Let it go @Glen190238. It’s not worth destroying your family for.

This. What despicable people. And their reason is just unbelievable. They have well and truly shown their colours. I would write them off and never have anything to do with them.

Wrong. The family home, especially where children have been born into a marital relationship, is deemed a joint marital asset (although joint does not mean ‘owned equally’ should the relationship end in divorce). In a divorce the court will consider which assets were acquired prior to and during a marriage and the consider the contribution of both parties to the ongoing increase in value. Being a SAHM will be deemed a contribution towards the maintenance, as will the SAHM’s earning potential sacrificed whilst raising the shared children.

And, at this point, we do not know whether OPs DH has dded her name to the title deeds already, in which case she may already have legal entitlement to the current property (I almost dare OP and DH to do this, via a transfer deed). Should they both buy a home together and OP’s name is included on the deeds of the new house, despite his putting all the proceeds of the current home into the property and, potentially, the OP putting none, the new house would be owned 50:50.

This latter point would appear to be the trigger for the PiLs. However, it would be this way regardless of whether she had a child from a previous relationship or not, so their position infers a distrust of the OP. It is not for PiLs to dictate how OP’s DH structures his finances now or in the future as their gift is irrelevant at this stage.

It is simply down to DH to weigh up whether his parents (and the implied wealth/potential inheritance) means as much as his wife, child, future children and stepchild. Whatever he decides, the nature of his relationship with his parents has irrevocably changed. Again, I can only reiterate by compassion for him and the impact this has had on his wife, the OP.

Is there any way this gives an opportunity to address the PiL behaviour in isolating a child?.
It would be fair enough if your DH wants to assure them that he’ll take appropriate steps to make sure their money doesn’t ‘unfairly’ support a step-child (with no details as it’s his business, not theirs) on the proviso they stop this bullying. Turn the discussion back around to them. After all being treated fairly and valued as a child is far more important than a few grand!

Can you check what other gifts they may want back in the future, just in case (and to highlight to them how ridiculous this is)?

"Yawn.... I don't respond to vile language"
@Glen190238, quoting me and writing the above comment, is responding, you utter melt

That really is the shittest comeback I've ever read on here 😂

OP, ignore the vile goady shysters who have appeared latterly. I hope you find a way forward. I would consider my move, repay the £80k if you can, although I don't think for a second you have to. It was a gift. I'd do it anyway. Take away their perceived "power". Then I'd have nothing at all to do with them going forward. They can reap the "rewards" of their shitty, controlling behaviour. Go on and happily live your life. Good luck

Bollocks to that. DH should stand his ground and not be bullied by CF. He needs to stand up for his family.

@Mirabai I agree with you. I'd just not want them thinking they had any power and if I could comfortably throw their "gift" back in their face with the consequences that come with it, I would 🤷🏻‍♀️. Fuck them. They wouldn't be coming anywhere near my kids!

@Glen190238

Solicitor here. You are completely incorrect and making a fool of yourself. Time to give up now sweetie

What a horrible misguided post. Her husband wants to keep the money gifted to him that was used to finance his home that they both live in now and that OP has been paying towards for years.

They are not greedy.

The fact that you claim to be female makes your behavior even more misogynistic.

The only person around here acting hateful is in your mirror.

You keep making up things when you know you are wrong, are brand new here and obviously have an agenda. I still think you have a stake in this, somehow, since your hatred, disgust and nastiness to the OP is unparalleled.

It's time to be like Elsa and "let it go". 🙄

Oh my god, they sound like horrific people! I wouldn’t want either of my children anywhere near them. I’d either ignore them completely, or give them their 80k and either way have nothing to do with them ever again.

@Glen190238 so the gift was for him? So who now owns the gift? He does? Are you following? Can he now do what he wants with the gift? Yes, he can!

Otherwise, it was a gift with reservation, which it wasn't.

I would offer for him to change his will so oldest doesn't benefit, then do nothing about actually changing the will and never mention it again. I would then distance myself from them as the relationship will never be the same again.

No she shouldn't try to appease them. Offering to change the will (even if she has no intention of doing it) just reinforces their view that her oldest child isn't real family and that it's okay to treat them like a second class citizen.
This child hasn't chosen the circumstances of their childhood or family life - the OP snd her DH have to publicly advocate for them and not allow the DHs parents to 'other' their child with all these little barbed digs.

Only 2 greedy cunts in this story and it ain't op or her dh..

Except it's just giving them more leverage about the fact that DH doesn't really consider her his family. So they'll continue treating her like some unwanted baggage because he's telling them he concurs

So they sell the house to move into a bigger one, which benefits everyone. What should she do with her older child? Put them in the garden because they don't deserve the nice house because their Dad left them?

Sums it up perfectly...

How can they treat your eldest child like this? How does it affect them anyway if your eldest child inherits?

I can't understand anyone treating a little boy this way and I'm afraid I would be reconsidering the entire relationship. I would be cutting them out of all of our lives.

why is your DH not standing up for his step son? I presume he treats him the same as his biological children, apart from any age related differences?

How can they treat your eldest child like this?

more to the point

How can the OP have witnessed this low level abuse and isolation of her son for most of his life, but only now that money is involved… decided to take a stand?

This is appalling behaviour. You could give them back the £80k though their reasons for asking are disgusting and I can’t see that you have to.

This request for the profit though is outrageous. You absolutely do not owe them extra money because the house has increased in value.

Why they want to see you all stay in cramped conditions is beyond me and your eldest will grow up and move out one day anyway. A child of a broken home gets to live in a more spacious house for their teen years and your in laws want £160k for it.

To be honest I’d give the original money back and go no contact. I don’t say that lightly but it’s appalling.