In-laws want their deposit back

[ArnosLeach]

I married 5 years ago and I have a three and a half year old and a nearly nine year old from a short lived relationship.

Full background as I am anticipating the questions I would want answering.

The nine year old sees their father once a month for a weekend. I assume that my ‘ex’ owns his house. He had a vasectomy before our child was born. We do not communicate on any level other than if arrangements need to change. He pays a set amount every month but every month will buy shoes/clothes etc.

We moved into the house my husband had bought fifteen years before. It has doubled in value. Following a miscarriage last year we are trying to conceive again and we are looking to move house. We mentioned this to the in-laws a fortnight ago. I did not know that they had provided DH with deposit.
They have now asked for twice the deposit back comprising the original sum and the proportion of what that deposit has added to the value.

They feel that my elder child will benefit from their largesse. We are both completely gutted by this. A bolt out of the blue.

Horse crap! There is NO money "legally owed" when it was a gift. FFS!🙄

Do you go and ask your family to return to you the Christmas gifts you give them? I hope not, but......

The other children also got money as a gift for a deposit on a house. I guess they should all return the gift? No, just the DS who dared to marry a woman with a small child. The OP's PIL are worthless people who could have handled it all in a mature way instead of acting like whiny little azzholes.

As an insolvency expert with over twenty five years experience. Can I first say it makes no difference if there is no contract. Can the provide clear legal evidence of assisting with the down payment. Can they provide a contract to say when such a loan was to be repaid and over what terms. As far as the law goes. No contract means it's a gift and therefore no repayable. However and I stress however if a contract is in place then the terms of THAT contract applies. You cannot alter a contract once signed without everyone concerned agreeing to any amendments. Hope this helps.

Hardly generous to give 80k and then ask for 160k in return. Even the bank wouldn't have charged an extra 80k for the loan.

So her husband had money given to him from his parents who now want it back and you think the OP should ask her parents to help pay this gift back?

Why should they do that?

I would give them what they want and then go low contact or no contact. They sound horrible.

@penguinbiscuits You say that so many women "marry up" but that will inevitably happen since men generally earn more than women, are less likely to take time off when children are born and are therefore able to get promoted faster.

However on MN I'm always struck by the number of men who move in with women who have their own homes, thinking they don't need to contribute much at all.

Morally, it’s absolutely not right for them to be doing this. It was offered as a gift. Years later, without consultation, they’ve decided that it was in fact an investment in your home entitling them to equity. They’ve also decided that this amount which has now doubled is to be repaid when you move, completely buggering up your finances. This was never a term of the gift: if they wanted the money back / equity then that should have been made a clear condition.

They’ve taken no responsibility for the mortgage or household repairs or fees during purchasing. In short, they’ve stitched their own son up. I’d be saying no - that they’ll get whatever you can afford to repay whenever you can afford it, simply because you never ever expected to be put in the situation where this was going to be doubled and then demanded back.

No wonder you are both shocked. it is horrible and hurtful.
When their son married you they knew that you were a legally a partner to his estate, as he was to yours. You added a son which he has gladly accepted as a stepson...it is ludicrous they are so inept and rude to monetise this. As it seems that your son's biological father is still involved in his upbringing the simplest solution, that your husband adopt him, is not possible but at the end of the day It is none of their business who their son will decide are inheritors of his estate or you yours. It does not respect you, your marriage or your son. I think the first step is for you to tell them that in the clearest way possible and tell them you are very hurt and disappointed by their lack of family feeling, gratitude and human compassion. To set up your son in this way is not only vulgar and heartless but most of all stupid, there is nothing more calculated to fail.

@glowfrog as a step child, I think asking gps to behave as if you are exactly the same as their own gc is asking too much. She has said that they are lovely with him, even though they don't treat him the same as their own - on one occasion the fil compensated for another member of the family who had excluded her dc.

I think that parents who expect their dc from previous relationships as different to the bio gc are doing their dc a disservice, by setting their expectations in a way that is unlikely to be fulfilled. My step gp have never treated as one of their own, and that was absolutely fine as I didn't expect it, I had 4 gp of my own, who I would never expect to treat my step sibs as their own in turn, which is reasonable as they had sometimes barely met them!

Yes, we gave both our children deposits for their houses. Funnily enough, there were vague murmurings from each of them that one day we might be paid back (ha ha!) but then we had to sign to say they were gifts. If they haven't signed in the same way, the understanding might have been that they would be repaid at some point. I don't see why they expect more than they actually gave though, and definitely don't get where your son comes into the equation at all, unless they are saying that because he isn't their blood relative??? In which case they are horrible people.

I would cut ties with them over this. Awful, horrible behaviour. And double back!! Cheeky fuckers!

👋👋👋

I think it's quite important to consider that they must also be intending to write your DH out of their wills to prevent your child benefitting there too. I would hazard a guess they'll write that his share should he split between his BIOLOGICAL children.

I can't believe how spiteful someone can be to take a gift back off their child to ensure that a child in his family never benefits from them indirectly.

Isn't this actually very disrespectful to their own ds? Like he isn't of sound mind to have taken on your dc as his own and therefore they need to step in and protect his asset...ie.the house.. ..

@ForgivenessHope I'm not surprised you name changed for that. I've seldom seen such a deranged, spiteful and over-invested post.

OP, take this on board. Not the vile and vicious comment that followed from someone claiming to be a ‘lawyer’.

Oh come on! But then again OP wasn't capable of grasping the fact that she needed to find out how the house was bought, before moving her and her DC in it. So it is quite possible OP cannot grasp the contents of future will and how at risk this property she feels so entitled to, is.

Hence my long message to OP warning her not only to focus on those heavily giving her advice about ignoring In laws etc etc.

The fact that your in-laws are Italian gives useful context. Presumably you're in the UK where Napoléonic law doesn't apply, but if you'd been in Italy this issue wouldn't have come up because the money and property can only be left to blood relatives. Ie to your shared child, with you receiving a small proportion and the right to live in any property. It stops children from being cut out of wills due to remarriage etc.

At the time DH received the gift, you weren't around. If you had been, I'd assume the cash would have been ring-fenced. Or not given at all.

From the IL pov, there's nothing to stop you inheriting the house upon your DH death, or indeed any divorce, and subsequently remarriage could see their biological GC being cut out if you made a will in favour of a new spouse.

My DH is Italian and our property is in his name (no mortgage; I don't pay towards). His will is set up so our DS inherits, with me having right to live in etc. I'm OK with that, but I understand the concept of Napoléonic law and wouldn't want it any other way.

Clearly their behaviour towards your elder child isn't great.

Forgive me, I was very shocked by the entitlement as never seen it before.

Upset about the treatment of eldest child- yes- but OP says the step- GPs treat him well. So, that cannot be it.

Gutted over their attitude over their money? Well, only on MN those of us who disagree are deranged etc etc. No, we live in teh real world and not on www.

As I said, I very much wanted to not post on this thread. Well, I can go now.

There's no risk.

It was a gift not a loan.

Agree to ring fence the money in the event of divorce and/or leave £80k extra to your joint child, as a compromise. But I wouldn’t go any further than that.

The ILs were always going to sideline the Op and her first child. There's no change - it's just become a lot more obvious to all involved and damaged relationships in the process.