In-laws want their deposit back

[ArnosLeach]

I married 5 years ago and I have a three and a half year old and a nearly nine year old from a short lived relationship.

Full background as I am anticipating the questions I would want answering.

The nine year old sees their father once a month for a weekend. I assume that my ‘ex’ owns his house. He had a vasectomy before our child was born. We do not communicate on any level other than if arrangements need to change. He pays a set amount every month but every month will buy shoes/clothes etc.

We moved into the house my husband had bought fifteen years before. It has doubled in value. Following a miscarriage last year we are trying to conceive again and we are looking to move house. We mentioned this to the in-laws a fortnight ago. I did not know that they had provided DH with deposit.
They have now asked for twice the deposit back comprising the original sum and the proportion of what that deposit has added to the value.

They feel that my elder child will benefit from their largesse. We are both completely gutted by this. A bolt out of the blue.

Yet, you still felt compelled to post? No one really knows much of what you ranted on about, as it all got removed because of its nasty (I assume) content.

But, we should all believe you know the law? 🙄

Color me shocked. NOT!

To feel the need to change your name or sign up for no reason BUT to be cruel and vicious to the OP makes me think they have a stake in the outcome. No facts from them, just nastiness and opinion, which is worth the same 2 cents as anyone else.

I can think of no other sane, normal reason for someone to think being this cruel fits with the moniker they "adopted". There is zero "Forgiveness or Hope" in any of their posts.

It's totally ethical to keep money that was given to the OP's DH 15 years ago. I do not understand why you seem to think the OP's DH needs to repay a gift because he married a woman with a child. It is HIS money, not his parents, unless he signed a repayment contract, which it seems he did NOT.

All of your bluster and viciousness doesn't change any of the facts.

The ONLY greed is from the PIL and it's quite disgusting. If they were my parents, I'd be NC/LC until I got a very honest apology.

OP, personally, I think these grandparents are vile. I feel sorry for you. They have made it very clear that they don’t accept your eldest as family. It’s not the child’s fault.
I would give them NOTHING. There were no conditions when they first gave it and I’d leave the ball in their court re: contact.

Alternative if your husband wants to give back SOME money: They have given your husband £80k. It is absolutely zero of their business what profit the house has made since. If they are worried about some of their £80k going to your step daughter, give them back a third of their £80k a let them know their two bio grandkids will get the other two thirds. The end.

So the grand parents would rather penalise financially their son and their biological grand children (got they will in effect loose this 80-160K and the housing upgrade) just to avoid a non bio grandchild from benefitting?

I don’t think they have thought this through.

What have you decided to do as a family?
(I would say no as a gift and v petty tbh)

It is totally ethical to keep money that was given as a gift. Also, if you actually bother to read the thread you will see that OP 's DH has offered the 80k back but that isn't good enough. They would now like another 80k so 160k altogether. Is that "ethical "?

No, it is not. But then for all sorts of reasons, it is worth trying to find a way to solve the issue. All sorts of reasons ..

and tell them to F off, and son, you, and children, will get nothing out of inheritance. Could not happen in many countries, but it can in UK.

This is one of the most shocking financial/in-law issues I've read about on here. Your inlaws are despicable arseholes.

Please, please protect your eldest child from ever knowing that they did this, never let them hear of it, it would be so emotionally damaging.

Agreed @LamonicBibber1 re: don’t let the eldest kid know. It’s very hurtful in kids.

My sibling and I were stepchildren - very young at the time. We were really excited about having pre family, but my stepfathers family treated us so poorly.

When we’d visit, my sister and I would sometime have to wait in the car while my brothers, their bio grand kids went in their house to see them. My parents let them away with this. They would give the boys Xmas, birthday and Easter gifts in front of us, and feel unbothered. We just felt so unaccepted and displaced out of our own family.

@Thatcat that makes me so sad to read. I mentioned upthread that my oldest nephew and niece joined our family when they were very young and I was a teen, when my older brother met their widowed mum. I get upset just thinking about anyone treating them like that.

@ArnosLeach you still haven't answered the single most important question. What this money a loan or was it a gift?

While I don't agree with their request I think in a clumsy way they have realised that currently your eldest will inherit from three parents while their biological grandchildren will only inherit from two. I think the suggestion of ring fencing an agreed amount would be a good compromise.

@SomeCatFromJapan ah I’m glad the situation in your family is better - as it should be. My mum was widowed too. Its sad when you think of it. My sister and I would never dream of doing that. Some people have really crappy ideas about stepchildren.

@Thatcat I'm so sorry you lost your dad so young. It's especially unforgivable to treat children like that when they've lost their dad.
My brother and his wife had another child and I can hand on heart say I don't have any difference in feeling towards the three of them. I don't have children myself and they and their kids will be the equal beneficiaries of my estate one day.

Am wondering whether Glen and Forgiveness are the OP’s PiLs…

Yawn.... Just ethical and not greedy

Yawn.... I don't respond to vile language

Reported for foul language

And who's gift was it? I would argue it's up to the giver to say who the recipient is and the gift remains theirs.

We are allowed to say fuck on here @Glen190238 maybe if you’d been a member for more than 48 hours you’d know this …

Not sure if its been mentioned, but if your partner got a mortgage, those parents would have had to sign that the money was a gift. Even back then, the money laundering rules were in. They do not have a leg to stand on.

@Glen190238
In law, once a gift is given, title passes to the giftee (recipient). Ie the giftor/giver has absolutely no rights whatsoever over what the recipient does with it - he can destroy it, give it away to charity, share it with someone else if he wishes.

I’ve given my kids lots of expensive stuff over the years - handmade guitars, xboxes, wii consoles, designer brands. When they decided they didn’t want or need them any more, they sold them on or given them away. I didn’t ask for the proceeds. Their property, their choice. They receive money from family regularly - noone has ever asked for it back because they’ve spent it in a way the giver didn’t like or demanded it back because they’ve had a windfall since then.

To believe you can dictate what someone does with a gift is absurd.

Did you miss the bit where I said NC for this?

I don't even want OP to agree with me, however, it is grossly unfair for people who will not be affected by any repercussions of this, to force one set of advice on OP. She has a family to think about. She needs to hear both sides. It is even her DH's decision to make which matters.

Yes, whichever poster said OP's mum should help her pay part of this back, is sensible. Why is it all just 'take' take take. I would be embarrassed to post about this, but seeing the ill-advised 'support' OP is getting from MN, maybe she has come to the right place after all.

Thank you for qualifying my point. The gift was given to him not her... 😂😂