In-laws want their deposit back

[ArnosLeach]

I married 5 years ago and I have a three and a half year old and a nearly nine year old from a short lived relationship.

Full background as I am anticipating the questions I would want answering.

The nine year old sees their father once a month for a weekend. I assume that my ‘ex’ owns his house. He had a vasectomy before our child was born. We do not communicate on any level other than if arrangements need to change. He pays a set amount every month but every month will buy shoes/clothes etc.

We moved into the house my husband had bought fifteen years before. It has doubled in value. Following a miscarriage last year we are trying to conceive again and we are looking to move house. We mentioned this to the in-laws a fortnight ago. I did not know that they had provided DH with deposit.
They have now asked for twice the deposit back comprising the original sum and the proportion of what that deposit has added to the value.

They feel that my elder child will benefit from their largesse. We are both completely gutted by this. A bolt out of the blue.

I figure they are either the PIL or one or two of the other siblings who are thinking about how much money they'll be able to get from their parents/in-laws if the OP and her DH return the gift the OP's DH was given.

The only other explanation is that they are men who were married and had to share the proceeds of a house with their now ex. I would bet they feel that their ex only paid a third of the house payments but did ALL the cooking, cleaning, child-rearing, admin. work, taking the kids back and forth to school and everything else. They feel ripped off because they had to share 50/50 because the courts took into account the work the ex did and they did not. They feel it wasn't fair because the work the ex did was "woman's work" and not worthy of a part of the house in exchange. 🙄

Both have misogyny and a hatred of women dripping from every pore and orifice.

The only vile thing around here are you and your sidekick @ForgivenessHope.

If you tried your hardest, you could not be more of a misogynist than you have shown us all you are.

Quite pathetic and utterly disgusting.

Not in the least - your ‘point’ was that the giver gets to say who a gift goes to… for ever and long after it has been given. You are wrong.

The gift was given to him 15 years ago. They lost any say once he received it. He has chosen to marry and now his property (apparently happily as far as he is concerned) is a joint marital asset. He has chosen to share it - and because of this his parents want to take their gift back or to dictate who should get it at some unspecified future date.

They can’t have it and they have no say.

Getting perilously close to end of thread with certain posters trying to derail. I wouldn’t blame OP for not coming back now that her in-laws (or their sock puppets) are on thread 😬

They're dickheads

Sorry to upset you all.

A woman.
Have no issues with step-kids. I even have my husband's late wife's child as part of our wider family and is still being made part of the family, as such. I have my own home (hence I mentioned it first) which I bought before meeting him, and didn't marry my husband for money. I also have a career.

In fact, we went through some unpredictable months with his business soon after marrying, however, since I was financially independent, I only had to support him from his welfare point of view. He acknowledged that support in a big way yesterday. I kept telling him, I didn't need money, just want to support him to recover his, for his own peace of mind. Which, after 18 months, he did and has been recovered for years now.

I was not 'gutted'. I was only concerned for him. I was not surprised, because I didn't marry him for his money.

So, make your own or pay back the money!

This is bonkers. What on earth has it got to do with OP's mother? This is between the husband and his parents, and now OP since they are married and a family. OP's mum has nothing at all to do with any of this.

Very spiteful behaviour of the in laws.
what would be the tax implications for them of receiving £160,000?

Find this attitude staggering.

I’ve been a SAHM for 18 years due to my DH’s work commitments requiring extensive travel (up to 3 weeks), no local family to help, and both my kids being on the spectrum and/or having ADHD etc.

I’ve homeschooled and, through extension/loft conversion/interior design, have helped to increase the value of our main asset, our home.

My husband utterly respects and recognises my contribution and the sacrifices (a return to a well paid career) that I’ve made to facilitate his career, make his home beautiful, and in protecting and supporting our kids.

Fortunately his parents also recognise this and have never asked for a repayment of the deposit they gave us 20 years ago or asked for it to be specifically set aside for the GCs in the event of DH’s death so that I don’t get my grubby hands on it.

When we fostered 2 boys for 4 years (6-10 weeks a year and 3 nights a week during termtime), they didn’t have a wobble that someone else’s kids were benefitting from their ‘investment’, even when one of the extensions was to give them their own rooms when they stayed.

I don’t really care whether the PiLs are old fashioned, italian catholics. I was adopted into a high status muslim family when my unmarried British mother married the eldest son. Culturally I should have been a pariah, but they have shown nothing but love and acceptance for both me and my children (who love being the only blond, blue eyed grand kids receiving their money envelope at Eid from the Crumblies 🤣).

Sorry, long post, but I trully think the OP’s PiLs are despicable and feel deeply sorry for her DH to have his family treated this way.

i think it is a non-marital asset because it pre-dates the marriage by 10 years

When the mortgage was arranged any deposit gift would have been revealed and a statement signed to say it could not be paid back or that the person providing the deposit had a charge on the house.

It is one or the other.

Good point on Tax. Maybe DH should point this out.

Although, seeing what type of people the ILs are, they will probably be happy to even hand over half of that to the Taxman (anyone) but OP/ her eldest child. Such is life.

I dont understand WHY you think your older child should benefit?

Actually, unless it has been expressly ring-fenced via a prenup or trust, it does become a matrimonial asset. That does not mean that it would be split equally in a divorce settlement, though.

If the money was used to buy what is now the family home, it has become a matrimonial asset. And anyway non-matrimonial assets can be called on in a divorce settlement to effect equality/fairness

Capital gains tax and would add to their estate for IHT. Not to mention possible prosecution for mortgage fraud if it was discovered that the money which was declared as a gift, was in fact a loan.

@ArnosLeach From reading your update, I think it's time to call a spade a spade. They are dreadfully cruel in excluding your child, and for them to ask for the money because they don't want your child to benefit is utterly despicable.

I think your husband should tell them to whistle for the money. It was a gift from 20 years ago. His siblings had the same gift, which is not being requested back. The end. Get the horrible fuckers out of your lives and do whatever you both please.

The whole point is that OP and her husband want to be able to sell the first property snd buy a new one for their growing family. OP as the wife will be fully entitled to half the new house in the event of a divorce and presumably all of it in the event of her husband’s untimely death while married. That is as it should be. The first child’s existence doesn’t change her rights to marital property. When they married they both receive benefits and assume risks. I am agog at the contempt so many posters have shown towards the OP for having had the temerity to marry.

They sound awful OP . I wouldn’t want anymore to do with them . It was probably legally a gift but if you can afford to maybe give back original amount so you don’t feel indebted for life. What are they going to do with money ? I wonder what’s in their will ? They can’t take money with them. Sound like manipulative, controlling people . Don’t let them have an impact of your lives in the future .

There is fuck all ethical about demanding a gift back with interest.

I would tell the inlaws to go fuck themselves.

She doesn’t - OP and DH are staggered that they are being asked to find £160k because DH’s parents feel OP’s oldest child is benefitting or will benefit from the original £80k gift.

It would be like me giving my child a car for their 18th and then getting upset that they are giving friend’s lifts and that those friends are now benefiting from a gift intended solely for my child’s benefit? Similarly if my child sold their car and purchased a second/new car jointly with a BF/GF or spouse. It’s madness.

They dont need a new house for her to be entitled to half. Years of input into a property will mean you have a stake.

I'm female... Yet the hatred hangs out of you

Wrong. The law say joint marital assets are accrued individually... This was a gift to him. It would be exactly the same if it was a gift to her then he would have no entitlement