Recently widowed dad selling family home

[cambridgecoral]

My mum died in February last year. After starting dating before her funeral had even taken place, my dad almost immediately got himself a replacement servant from the OurTime dating website.

He is selling our family home, she is selling her little house, and they're going to buy a million pound house together.

He says he will put in his will that me and my brother are entitled to a quarter of the house upon the second death - the other two quarters being owned by her two grown up children.

He says he's 'protecting our inheritance' by putting it into property.
Is this true?
As far as I see it, my brother and I have gone from half each in the family home, to potentially a quarter in a house that half belongs his new girlfriend, who'll probably sell it to pay for her care costs in the end if dad dies before her.

How is this protecting our inheritance?
Does anyone know anything about the law on this?
I feel totally betrayed. I have a young son who now has no grandma, and she'd be devastated to know that everything she worked for was essentially being given to a family of near-strangers and not protected for her children and grandchild.

Feeling hopeless and hurt.

I really feel for you OP but if your DM didn't leave a will stipulating that her share would pass to you and your siblings there is very little you can do. If he's an abuser and a narcissist your DM sadly let you down by not providing for you on her will and by staying with him.

I don't think there is much you can do now. The inheritance would have been lovely but I doubt that will happen.

Fully understand and agree where OP is coming from. DH and myself are only just doing our wills (we are both in our 60s - I know!). We will own our house 50/50 and on death of first partner, their 50% will be inherited by our two sons. This is our way of protecting their inheritance. I know the consequences (if sons' marriage breakdown, IHT) but we are prepared to take this risk.

Absolutely. He will get worse as he gets older.
If he truly has NPD he will be enjoying this. The triangilation, hurt and control.

You have to write the money off, unfortunately.
Your poor mum x

I understand where the OP is coming from, and her mother would likely be horrified.

My own father was marched down the aisle at the age of 80!

This is the reason neither I nor my husband would ever remarry if something happened to one of us.

What we've worked for for 40 years will go to OUR children, and not someone else's.

It's awful how nasty people can be when anyone posts about potential inheritance issues. I wonder how many of the people who come out with money-grabbing accusations and platitudes like, 'nobody has a right to inherit' or 'it's his money to do what he wants with' would be quite so righteous if they were in the same position.

The thing is, inheritance isn't just about the money - it's about someone's relationship with their parents. An unequal distribution amongst siblings for example - no matter what the good reasons behind it - is likely to cause resentment based on feeing less-loved/deserving. Similarly, knowing that people you aren't even related to may receive part of your inheritance is another smack in the face from someone who has been a rotten father and husband. And knowing that this is not what your mother would have wanted must also be very distressing.

Some people also seem to think it's a given that vast sums of money will need to be spent on care in later life. Of course this may be the case, but it's by no means a certainty. My parents and in-laws all lived into their late 80s/early 90s. Only one needed to go into a care home and only one needed light-touch support from us.

Sorry to hear of your mother's death, but if she wanted to 'protect your interests' she should have done it while she was alive. It's too late now. It is never safe to rely on inheritance. There may not be any money and if there is, you may not get it. I'd suggest you work on the assumption that you won't inherit anything, then if you do, it will come as a pleasant surprise.

Absolutely. He will get worse as he gets older.
If he truly has NPD he will be enjoying this. The triangilation, hurt and control

Won't he just. My "D"M is just like this. She promised vulnerable teen DD £10k the other week and I had to explain to her that it's never coming.

Luckily DF sorted out his share of the inheritance before he died.

Totally agree.

My Mum and Dad set up a life interest in their Wills so when we lost Mum, her half of their house has been put into a trust for my brother and I. Dad has the right to reside in it for his lifetime so we can't touch it, but it's secure from any care home fees etc.

It appears your Mum didn't have such a Will but it might be what your Dad is planning to do?

I now care for my Dad and see how lonely he can be a lot of the time. I'd be delighted if he had company of his own choosing rather than being lumbered with me mainly.

Just assume you won't ever inherit anything. There is no reason why you should. if you do, very nice! But you are not entitled to anything, and probably won't get anything

Your dad didn't "drive your mum into an early grave"

I can understand why you don't want to be angry with your deceased mother, but actually, it's your mother who let you down by not making provision for you.

You're over emphasising what your mum would have wanted, she could just have easily left a will that made sure her share came to you, but she didn't.

Afaic, my parents gave me an upbringing that put me in a position to earn my own living. What they do with their money is entirely down to them.

Your dad needs some legal advice to make sure what's in the will will achieve what he intends.

I am not sure how you could possibly know this?

Narcassistic abuse causes terrible health problems.

Sorry you’re going through this OP and FWIW don’t think some of the responses have been very fair or understanding. This is a very good point you made about why the money is even more important given your upbringing that he contributed to :

I'm concerned about the money as our mental health is so poor from growing up in that environment that a small financial buffer in the future would give us a little bit of security.

As sickening as it all is for your mental health you’re probably best just letting it go. That’s what I did. It doesn’t solve everything, but sometimes you just need to accept some things are beyond your control and the only thing your dad is certain to have left you with is trauma.

such as what. he didn't lock her up and starve her to death, did he. Unhappy people live just as long as happy ones

This is why I’ve left everything to my kids, with DH having the right to live in my half of the house.

Similarly, knowing that people you aren't even related to may receive part of your inheritance is another smack in the face from someone who has been a rotten father and husband

This exactly @BeadedBubbles OP shouldn’t be demonised or ridiculed for feeling what is a very understandable resentment at the idea that a parent who failed them in childhood and in their adult life is also going to fail them in death.

You would be best off directing your energies into improving your mental health, and accepting that you are not entitled to inherit anything, and planning your own life as an independent adult relying on yourself

Unfortunately this is the truth. As your mother didn’t make provision for you, but left her assets to your father, it’s all his to dispose of as he wishes.

It could actually be a lot worse OP. A friend of mine lost out on a £3m inheritance after her mother died (she was the wealthy one) leaving everything to her DH, who remarried and died leaving everything to his new wife. Obviously when she died she left it all to her own adult children. At least you and DB might inherit a quarter of your dad’s estate each.

Unless your mum ring fenced money specific for you then it’s his money to do what he likes with.

This may be horrible for you to deal with, but legally you cannot do anything.

I think you and your dad need legal advice, but by brothers PIL put the house into trust for his kids well before any need for care was needed or envisaged. When it eventually happened the house was protected.

Yes, seek legal advice about puting the house in a trust.

Also, as your father is selling and moving on, make sure you and your brother ask for any personal items or furniture that your mother had and that you'd like to have. He might be happy to give sentimental items to you.

It’s a really tough one .. I’ve seen both sides.
a friend of mines parents divorced and her dad remarried, he died a year later in a car crash, his wife inherited everything and in turn on her death her
kids will get it all, including my
friends dads share that he spent his lifetime earning. The wife also obviously got pensions and money owed from the car accident.(other party to blame).

I also know a lady though who when her husband died he left his share of the house to their DD, the wife met and remarried and wants to down size but the DD is point blank refusing to let her mum sell and move unless she gets her money now!…. I feel so sorry for her and hope that her DD only gets her dads share when she passes & she leaves her share to the dogs trust or something!
So while I think parents should be protecting their kids interests from potential future partners, I can also see why they would be worried about the kids then applying pressure on the remaining spouse , or worrying if their child then divorces the ex can take assets out of the widows house!