AIBU to defend my daughter?

[stressedmummmm]

My daughter is 11 (12 in June) and she has been a handful to handle both at home and in school. She is starting to get into more and more trouble at school and I'm not sure what to do.

Recently she has gotten into trouble for googling her history teacher during class which the teacher. She's gotten an afterschool detention.

Previously she had gotten into trouble for being rude and combative to her very kind teacher. The teacher has said that negative consequences do not have an effect on her, and the sanction system fails her.

Another teacher has said she's so distributive in music class that the teacher has requested she be moved to another class as she didn't want to deal with her anymore.

At home, she will scream at me if she does not get what she wants. She is very rude to us all. She hits her brothers if they do not listen to what she tells them to do, for example, to turn their iPads down. She will scream if her food is not how she wants it. She will scream if I dont take her somewhere specific now.

She is very jealous of me hanging out with my friends or even speaking to them on the phone. If I go out with my friends she will call her father in tears saying I have abandoned them (we live close to my inlaws, and when I go out my inlaws kindly have the kids). She will also text my friends on my Instagram and tell them to not contact me/I don't want to speak to them.

Her father and I had a rough patch a few months ago and she was witness to a lot of the fighting. However, these behaviour issues are not new at all. Amid our fighting, she got into trouble at school. In the first term of the year, she had gotten (within two months) 25 negatives.

I lost my mum at 14. My stepmom was not kind, and she didn't like me. I ended up spending most weekends with my grandmother on my mum's side. As I got older I started spending more time away from my dad's house until I got married at 23, fresh out of uni. I think I tried to give my children as much love as possible, and I always try to show them I am on their side. Kind of us against the world. When my daughter gets into trouble I am the first to defend her, but it gets out of hand and the school has mentioned suspension and expulsion more than once. My children live a blessed life, they get everything they want. DD goes horse riding three times a week, and I am thinking of buying her a horse.

I am worried that I have raised a spoiled brat but that she also might be neurodiverse. Her brother has been diagnosed with ADHD, but he behaves much better and his issues were very apparent. Shes smart enough to be masking, but her behaviour is out of hand.

My friend tells me I need to become more harsh with discipline, and I should be punishing her more severely. Especially with the horseriding privileges. How should I do this? Please be kind, I am trying my best here.

Buy her a horse? That would be ridiculous. You know she isn't ready for the work and responsibility. Also, if she's this volatile with the family she's probably not going to be great with the poor animal either.

ask the school for help, parenting groups perhaps

Maybe a Golden Goose instead of a horse.Or a Golden Goose Egg or Golden Ticket perhaps

If her DD is diagnosed with the same as your DC then no your experience wouldn't be redundant. However there are also kids who have no ND who behave like this because they're getting away with it, with little to no consequences. OP has an ND child so knows what to do to start the assessment pathway, she hasn't stated she has done this so advice should not be treated as if she has been diagnosed, which is what many of you are doing.

We're going round in circles. I've said what I've said, you've said what you've said. If you don't like it, then that's your choice.

I could be way off base here, her behaviour sounds attention seeking. And maybe over-tired and hungry, re shouting about meals - h-angry. Not an excuse, but an explanation. Bet horse riding 3 times a week uses up enormous calories.

Yes, you are giving her all the material things, but you sound like you have a lot on your plate and she may not be particularly likeable atm.

There are some really good posts on here eg Nadia90 and Texas85.

Ignore the bad behaviour where possible, compliment good behaviour. Firm, but fair. Try to keep your cool (often easier said than done, so do look after yourself too). And you and your DH, if you aren't already, try to make a bit more time each just for her - bake together, or homemade popcorn & movie, home manicure/pedicure, brush her hair or put it in braids or rags overnight, or bond over building free Spotify lists favourite music, walks to get a bar of chocolate etc whatever hits the spot. You are probably doing all this type of thing and more, but I know I sort of lost sight of it at some points because so much else going on.

I can tell some contributors on this thread are going to go nuts, but for some kids, they just won't accept punishment or ultimatums, they will relish fighting against it. And in some ways, you don't want to completely squash that spirit. But you do need to get them onside, for drink/drugs/unsafe sex are not where you want them to challenge next... And they can experiment shockingly early, even in the most tranquil of places. Weed in particular is a nasty drug on the young brain and kids can be vaping or smoking it from unthinkably young ages, from the best of schools. If the horsy circuit is in any way similar to how it was when I was growing up, it will also have its share of early smokers / shaggers. Sorry, this is probably way off base. I don't mean to worry you, but the most precious commodity in life is time - she is only this young once, she is growing up fast, really listen to her, because she is trying to tell you something.

All best. This phase will pass and I bet you will forge a great relationship and she will make an amazing adult. See the best in her and work with it. Xx

Yes, so she can shout and scream at the horse and probably ill-treat it by hitting it, if she has so little self-control. Will her parents just look on while she does it? 🙄

With her current behaviour, this child should not be anywhere near a helpless animal.

It's not redundant anyway - diagnosis or not (and we all know how hard getting a diagnosis is at the moment - hence why schools need to make reasonable adjustments whether diagnosed or not.) It's an avenue to explore suggested by someone with lived experience of the same behaviour.

She sounds like a handful. Hopefully she will get better over the next few years. Sometimes it can be counter productive to become too harsh if youve been lenient in the past. Certainly don't buy a horse. Not sure about stopping the riding lessons. That has pros and cons.

But some changes need to take place immediately. Access to your Instagram. That needs to stop. Ridiculous.

Adhd/autism run in families. My strange family made a lot of sense when they told me this when my son was diognosed with both.

Wait wait wait, so from reading your replies.. she gets no kind of reprimand or punishment from you whatsoever when she behaves like that? Hits her siblings.. it’s fine? Abusive to teachers? It’s fine. Abusive to you? You want to buy her a flipping horse!? So you don’t parent her at all? No wonder she’s a tyrant.

Why on this god damn earth haven't you changed your passwords? She's speaking to you like shit, speaking to teachers like shit, speaking to your friends like shit, speaking to her siblings like shit.

You need help with parenting. You've enabled her. Step up, for her future sake.

This behaviour appears to be beyond normal teenage hormones, your DD seems unable to regulate her emotions, she needs professional assessment and help. Please don't beat yourself up, instead put your energies into getting her the help she needs

Sit down with her and warn her things are about to change around here. Tell her you’ve been thinking about some family rules and they are going to be x y z. Ask her if she can think of any others she wants to add. You will need to stick the list somewhere everyone can see it so make sure it’s clear. Also ask her siblings so it’s fair. Tell her every time she or someone else breaks a rule there will be a consequence. Explain some of the possible consequences for example, being grounded, losing tech, losing privileges like pocket money, horse riding etc. Tell her you’re doing this because you love her and you want to make sure she can be a successful adult. Don’t try and put in consequences now for past actions. Give her an opportunity to start knowing the clear expectations of her.

Get her assessed. My DD is ND and it's very very hard work. Normal sanctions and punishments literally do not work

You've raised a brat, why do you always defend her, you should be giving her a bollocking. Stop the horse riding lessons if she is so rude and nasty. If you don't put boundaries and consequences in place now you'll have a very difficult teenager to deal with. You are her Mum not her best friend and you need to start to.parent her, do not buy her a horse.

Not sure if you picked up.on my sarcasm there! Of course she shouldn't get a horse!

Absolutely this! You need to back up the school sanctions, there’s only so much schools can do.

Buy her a horse? Bloody hell!

Er, yes, I did! But whether the OP would, is another matter...

Sorry its been a long day!

You can set some boundaries while still considering neurodiversity?

If she’s reacting in a big way in Music, and if IPads aren’t turned down, consider ND with auditory processing needs. Basically she can’t filter sounds and will become overwhelmed, and not make balanced decisions/actions as a result.

Talk with her in a calm setting, quietly. Ask her what’s going on (she may not even know). Set clear, realistic boundaries and expectations. Give options if she can’t handle noise etc. step out of music, step out of the room when brothers are using iPads or use ear defenders (or in ear plugs) when background noise is too much etc. If you can come from a place of curiosity alongside her, she may be less combative and you can both try to understand what’s going on.

The best piece of advice I ever had was that no harm can come from treating the person as though they’re ND, you can still set boundaries and expectations, including rewards and punishments. You will find out a lot if you’re able to be alongside her in this way, rather than her feeling isolated and against the world. Our job is to help them figure it out, and know what’s acceptable and what they need to work on, and where we need to intervene/make adjustments.

Which part of "don't buy her any animal until she can prove that she is mature and responsible enough for the care needed" suggested I had failed to take into account the welfare of the horse?

I'm sorry but you really need to have a long hard look at your parenting.

Too many parents these days are so quick to claim their kids are "neurodiverse" when really it's just bad bloody parenting.

Let me guess, unrestricted access to screens and zero boundaries?

WTAF?

Talk to her. Does she understand how her actions are affecting other people? Talk through it.
Then you need to set boundaries and discipline, I think. Once you've established how much she understands about behaviour and consequences, then you'll have a better idea of what consequences will be effective for her.
It sounds a bit like you need to start from the beginning, but you've admitted there's a problem here and asked for help which is the first step. Good luck!