Or is it really rude to make your food preferences known if you aren't the host?

[UnlikelySuperstar]

Allergies, religion and genuine diet requirements such as veganism aside aibu or is it really, really rude to say you don't like or don't eat something if you aren't the host?

We are hosting friends and I have been given a list of things they don't like. I've never done this, there's things I hate bit would eat if it was being served to me and especially if I wasn't paying or contributing. Only one couple has done it but its really annoyed me as we have already got the food in and now I feel like telling them to make sure they have tea before they come ( although I won't do that ), I'd put loads of effort in and a lot of expense and I can't see why grown adults can't keep their preferences to themselves.

Yabu - it's fine to let someone else put loads of effort into hosting and time and money only to then say 'don't like that/won't eat that' like a rude teenager
Yanbu - it's rude

I haven’t defended the guests in this instance, I agree it’s not right to do any last minute ‘oh btw I won’t eat your food’, I am defending pickiness in general (I’m not the one who has derailed the thread down this point, I’ve just responded to those who have), I’ve never used any neurodiversity to defend twatty behaviour

I would not ask guests what they do.or don't eat, I would expect them to tell me when accepting the invitation. If I was going to cook something unusual such as shellfish I might check but to be honest apart from a few vegetarians my friends eat most normal foods. If I cooked roast chicken or lasagne or stew or pasta they would eat it. Mind you I don't have formal dinner parties, people sometimes bring their own dish or contribution or are welcome to say if they want a variation if it's not cooked by the time they arrive!

YANBU. SIL does this, I know the “big ticket” items she won’t eat, and design menus to avoid them. She arrives with PIL for weekend visits, at some point I will outline what we’re eating and she won’t say a word. Then after it’s cooked/as I’m plating will say “oh, I’ll just have some of X instead”. Really grinds my gears.

Not that it matters but I am also autistic so you don’t need to tell me how annoying it is when neurodivergence is used to excuse poor behaviour. That isn’t what I was doing. I was responding to other posters who were stating they hate picky / fussy eaters, not the OP specifically. Perhaps that wasn’t clear because I didn’t specifically quote anyone.

Edit: I responded to your post prior to your edit and because you quoted my post btw.

Hmmm they could just not want you to waste time cooking a lovely meal that they won't eat any of. I'd prefer to know tbh

@PostItInABook and @Oneofthesurvivors have hit the nail on the head.

Maybe your friend's delivery of their needs wasn't great, but they were trying to help you cater for them and not waste money. Had you asked in advance? I doubt their intention was to be rude when they messaged you.

We don't get to pick which food we can or can't tolerate so I truly hope you don't make them sit uncomfortably at the dinner table, knowing they can't eat what you've served.

We would always either tell people what we plan to cook before buying or ask for things people don't eat. We want them to enjoy the food.

That said, if someone was cooking something I didn't like but was not allergic to, I myself would keep schtum.

I couldn't be arsed asking everybody what they liked but I will in future!

Easier, perhaps, to ask if there's anything they don't eat?

That way you avoid disappointment and they still get a nice surprise - and if they produce an endless no-no list for no good reason you can always cancel or just get a takeaway

I would ask if there's anything general they don't like - one of my friends doesn't eat chocolate, and I don't like lamb but I wouldn't give a long list of things as apart from that, I could choke most things down, and I'm just pleased not to have to cook!

I’d be mortified if I gave my guests something they couldn’t eat so I usually ask them before they come or tell them roughly what I’m making so they can tell me if they don’t eat it. I wouldn’t expect a long list but particular dislikes, i.e. don’t eat red meat or fish or loathe coriander. I’ve been the guest having to eat food I really dislike and it isn’t pleasant.

I also am really unforgiving of fussy eaters and think 'it's not going to kill you even if you don't like the taste just eat it' but I can't say that as a host

It's not going to kill them but you might be quite offended if they started gagging at the table or had to dash away to throw up.
Some people really can't stand certain foods and it's not that uncommon either.

I do think they should have told you earlier.

oops not sure where the quote went!
On this subject, I doubt if anybody has a problem with pickiness, for whatever reason if said person offers to bring their own food. Why would they? Of course I've only skimmed the thread but it seems to me that the trouble is the extra burden on the host. 'Eat what you're given' is unfair but that seemed to be more the case of likes/dislikes as people went on to share their anecdotes of what happened when they force themselves.
Some people will always judge but really if you're causing no trouble at all there's no reason to, unless they have nothing better to do.

Some people are marvellous cooks and can magic up tasty concoctions for everything, I'm not one of those. I do my specialities well, of course I can cater for vegetarians etc but if someone hands me a long list of things they can't eat I'd struggle to substitute. Baulking at being given a long list of requirements isn't necessarily due to bias.

I am upfront about my limitations and it's up to people to decide whether they want to come with their own dishes, or just not come at all...

You are rude for not checking with guests if there's anything they don't like.

Surely you want guests to enjoy your food?

Why would you want to serve people food they dislike?

There are a couple of foods that I loathe and if you invite me to dinner I'm going to tell you that.

I cannot stand the taste of cucumber and it contaminated everything it touches so I can't just pick it out of a salad so I always mention it to a host.

I don't like these things either, but I'd happily say serve extra all round, I'll dip my bread in partner's sauce.

Not that I have a partner
Or any friends
🤣

As long as it wasn't deemed rude. I'd be happy to crack on with the bits I could eat.

YANBU @UnlikelySuperstar . Unless dietary requirements (not talking diets) then serve what you have prepared. They're more than welcome to everything else on the plate or the salad bowl.

Can I come? I don't like mussels or octopus though. Or Squid. Or snails. I'm good with prawns. I could force a parsnip down or try some and politely decline the rest without you feeling bad.

I like her! She’s good company. And can’t afford to go out and I’m not dying to pay for us both to go out. And also I like an excuse for steak or Chinese. She also introduced me to the battered sausage. I had never heard of one before I met her!

Just read your update that it's a heavy seafood menu - pretty daft to serve that without checking.

If I was a child today I'd have almost certainly been diagnosed with AFRID, but as it is, I'm now middle aged with huge issues with food still.

I am very selective in accepting dinner invitations - only from good friends who understand my issues. My list of foods that I can't tolerate is embarrassingly long.

I can't choke down many foods. I feel dizzy, sick, have panic attacks etc. I'm not a fussy toddler, but a grown woman i a professional job, who can't cope with the idea of eating a mushroom (for example).

I've lost friendships, opportunities and almost certainly damaged my health as a result of my issues. Where I've had meals I can't get out of, my husband has usually had to have a discreet chat with the hosts, and I still have sleepless nights over the anxiety it causes.

I wouldn't give you a list, I would have made up a reason why I couldn't come instead.

If I'm cooking for people, I always check the menu through first. I couldn't bear the idea of anyone else feeling anxiety over what they were eating.

Oh. I didn't read the full thread 🤣

I'll dip me bread the cream! Look willing!

A long list is a bit rude but I don't see an issue with saying if there's something you can't eat. I don't really like cooked cabbage but I would eat it, I hate pineapple and would be sick if I ate it so couldn't eat it to be polite

Yep! It's just another way we are subtly excluded and discriminated against.

Yes really rude. If I knew I was fussier than most people I would just deal with it and go along with the majority rather than ruin someone else's dinner party by trying to make them pander to all my needs

YANBU.

One friend is gluten free - totally understand
One friend is vegetarian - no worries at all
One is vegan - respect that
One doesn’t eat red meat - no problem
One won’t eat pork - got it
One won’t eat chicken - ok
One doesn’t eat fish - right
One doesn’t eat onions - really
One doesn’t eat cheese - fancy that
One doesn’t eat tomatoes- ffs

This is why I only do buffets nowadays.

How would you deal with food aversions that make you gag though?

I suspect there are some people who really don't understand how bad food aversions can be. Some commenters here are talking like people are just being asked to listen to the wrong kind of music all night