Or is it really rude to make your food preferences known if you aren't the host?

[UnlikelySuperstar]

Allergies, religion and genuine diet requirements such as veganism aside aibu or is it really, really rude to say you don't like or don't eat something if you aren't the host?

We are hosting friends and I have been given a list of things they don't like. I've never done this, there's things I hate bit would eat if it was being served to me and especially if I wasn't paying or contributing. Only one couple has done it but its really annoyed me as we have already got the food in and now I feel like telling them to make sure they have tea before they come ( although I won't do that ), I'd put loads of effort in and a lot of expense and I can't see why grown adults can't keep their preferences to themselves.

Yabu - it's fine to let someone else put loads of effort into hosting and time and money only to then say 'don't like that/won't eat that' like a rude teenager
Yanbu - it's rude

It's pretty daft for the host not to check needs and preferences at the planning stage if they want to have a pleasant evening with everyone enjoying themselves.

Why wouldn't you ask them in advance?

Exactly this. I eat pretty much anything but have some very fussy eaters in the family who genuinely eat a limited diet and can’t eat things they don’t like. I always cater for them and then the wider group (because for everyone else it would be very boring to eat what these family members want, we rarely go to restaurants with them because it’s just not enjoyable).

I always want my guests to enjoy themselves including the food. There was often more than one dinner choice in my family growing up although I don’t offer that regularly. But for guests whom I want to feel welcome then yes.

You don’t sound like a great host OP being so irritated already. Unless you don’t like these guests.

If it makes you gag to eat certain foods maybe don't go to someone's house for food? Meet at neutral territory.

Absolutely, it’s hosting 1.01. It’s the first thing you do if you don’t already know.

Exactly. Give them a rough idea.

I don't eat pasta (so no lasagna either) or fish beyond say fish fingers. So I'd prefer to know upfront and decline if it's not something I actually eat.

Friends ask me to check menus before we go out for their birthdays. They know I am happy to come as long as I can eat something (even if a boring veggie option) even if I am not that fussed about it. But that's different to nothing on the menu I can tolerate.

(And on a desert island I would probably manage pasta if I had to)

I would have expected you to ask (ie, is there anything you all specifically don't eat) and would have told you the things I really won't eat but wouldn't list every single vegetable or seasoning I'm not keen on. I wouldn't have told you without being asked though,, and especially not after you had made it clear you had already planned.
I don't think I'd class myself as fussy, there are a lot of things I wouldn't choose on a menu but would eat to be polite it given it. There are a few things I couldn't choke down without gagging even for the sake of good manners. Shellfish/raw fish basically any seafood except for straight forward fish fillets (which I don't like but could swallow) I just couldn't do. Ditto eggs that are cooked just as eggs (eg fried). If you didn't ask I'd just be praying there was enough else I could stir it around and leave it on my plate without being really obvious. Or smuggle it to the dog. I'd be stressed though as I would feel really rude not eating it.

How far in advance have they told you? And did you specifically ask your guests if there was anything to avoid before you did your shopping? If you didn't, is that maybe part of the reason why you're annoyed also?

Ordinarily, I would side with the idea that you do your best to eat what your given but I can also see what others have said about tolerating things that I could have avoided for the sake of a little honesty. If someone served me up a plate of seafood on a bed of raw tomatoes and olives (yes, I hope that's not a thing) I would genuinely not eat any of it. And if you served me up something mostly fishy, I would have liked to have been 'checked' with before you went to the effort, especially as that's a relatively common thing that people don't eat.

Nah, my friends like me enough to cater to my issues

I don't get the be quiet and eat it anyway. There are foods I'm not keen on that I could eat in those circumstances, but food I genuinely don't like I would not be able to eat - most shell fish, blue cheese, beef, lamb, most pork spring to mind. Not that I'd complain, I'd try and pick out the bits I like as best I could.

It's only happened twice - beef lasagne at a friend of my parents house (with the added difficulty that my parents & I were staying with them to attend the funeral of a mutual friend), and at a wedding, some pork dish where the vegetables were in some kind of cider sauce that made them inedible as well, but nobody noticed I didn't eat it except DH and the people serving the food.

That’s just the oddest thing. Thinking you can force feed your guests,

why host if you can’t be arsed and find the whole thing a faff and beleive people should eat what they are given even if they don’t like it? I mean who thinks like that.

I've never cooked for anyone other than myself so I'm probably wouldn't think to ask, but my oh has a lot of food fads, he's autistic and I always let people know his dislikes, potatoes unless chipped or roast all vegetables. Best thing to cook him, fish and chips. Pizza chicken curry and jasmine rice. Pudding, all of the puddings. Meat and potatoes and gravy.

I bet if you did this he would try some of the other stuff. It's surprising how often vegans or those with dairy intolerances will eat something with milk or eggs in if they think it looks nice!

@AlizeeEasy Husband and I are ND too and like people with allergies very quick to state our issues. Always offer to bring our own food if it's a problem.
What I would not do is to present my host with a long list of things I can't eat, at the last minute.
Stop using neurodivergence as an excuse for twat behaviour, yes some people may have judged you but that's a different subject for discussion. This is about making your needs known in advance and appreciating the effort of the host.

Of course hosts should work with their guests to cater properly but some things are just extreme. @whathappenedno for example of course she can't help it but I don't see how I can be expected to provide minute details of how I store and prepare the food so it's probably best if she brings her own.

Bear in mind that it's not just about the food. The host is also providing a clean, warm, comfy place to gather and isn't costing you £££ unlike a restaurant unless you have to take a very expensive train or something. Be gracious, unless they're actively hostile.

I have one friend who is the pickiest eater I know. No fish, no tomatoes or cheese or eggs or lamb or cream or mash or green veg or - etc etc. On and On goes the list. I have known her 20 years and add new things all the time. I now have her over and either do fillet steak with garlic mushrooms and chips or we order a Chinese. For someone so fussy, she is a solid size 28 and I’m impressed she managed it.

everyone else I do ask dietary requirements or anything they “loathe” and mostly people reply saying they “eat everything” which is easy and almost certainly not 100% true.

As a host, if I had guests who I hadn't cooked for before, I would check if they had any dislikes or allergies beforehand so I could cater for something they liked.

Nothing worse than having to eat something you hate for politeness sake.

i think we need to stop with the over obsession with being rude
No, I don't think we should <amused>

Thanks everyone for your responses, I have read through them to here and I do agree it's a massive faux pas that no I didn't ask at all I just really thought with multiple dishes it would be fine. We have had this couple before for food but always barbecues at ours or at someone else's in the winter so I've never really noticed what they do and don't eat. I will be more considerate in the future, sorry to hear about people who have real aversions that must be really difficult to navigate and I don't doubt that's really hard. I was really irritated by the response only as I had announced what the food would be with some enthusiasm and it was sort of met like it was bad news. I won't dwell on it as I do think we will have a great time and perhaps over messages it's just come across a bit rudely, more so than intended. Some of these responses did make me laugh though, especially the paella and chocolatey dessert one lol ( I always thought paella was super safe too... )

So was I, but having vommed up greasy spam fritters at primary school because I had my horrid deputy head standing over me telling me to eat them because my mum had paid for it... And vommed up whole tinned tomatoes because I was brought up to eat what I was given so I wasn't rude to the person hosting me. These kind of experiences can traumatise people... I've never eaten a raw tomato since. Or spam for that matter. 😆

Why do you keep inviting someone so fussy about food to dinner?

If I’m hosting, I ask if anyone had any allergies/dietary requirements/preferences. Lots of people for example do not like coriander, or might say they aren’t very tolerant to spicy food. I think as the host, you should ask, to avoid the guest having to say, or turning up and being served something they really won’t enjoy.

LOL you poor thing I feel your struggle! Steak and chips or Chinese sounds like such a good idea though!