AIBU to think lingerie is a good Valentine's gift?

[Moonfishstar]

So, my friend is pissed off with her bf (been together 8 months) for buying lingerie for as a valentine's present. She says it's a "present for him, not her!" She showed me a photo - it's expensive and classy not cheap and nasty.

I disagree, and I think it's a good present - better than some tacky cuddly toy or a bunch of red roses that will be dead by the end of the week! It shows your partner thinks you're hot and desires you sexually -that's surely a good thing and something you can enjoy together rather than it being "for him", especially when sex in so many relationships seems to be either crap or a rare occurrence, and so many men seem to have their heads turned by porn!

Getting lingerie as a gift depends a lot on what is purchased. There’s a difference between something that is blatantly only for the bedroom complete with peepholes and scratchy strappy bits or a nice matching bra and pants set in your size, from a brand you like that you can wear any time you want to feel a bit more special.

I've done the sexy underwear thing. I had literal drawerfulls of the stuff. All chosen and purchased by ME! and well used. I was happy to "dress up" on occasion and I did it as much for me as him.

If DH or any previous partner had bought me anything like that I would have been seriously unimpressed.

I decide what I wear and when. No one else gets to do that.

As a general rule, I'd say if he NEEDS the lingerie, toys, fetish gear whatever to get off - then he doesn't get it - or me.
If I'm not good enough in my normal undies/nightdress then you dont get me in the raunchy stuff.

an alien concept 😂

you’re right- everyone on here who disagrees with
you doesn’t like sex, absolutely.

more likely that we don’t need a surprise gift of paraphernalia as a present to invoke ‘hot sex’.

FWIW- pretty lingerie and occasional bouts for NSFW shopping for toys and things to dress up in are part of my relationship…but for love day- I want some nice jewellery or beautiful flowers that i can tell my mum about, not a particularly classy thong

I'm completely with you OP, I'd be happy with that.

Personally I think it's good present. But I agree with this user - it's very subjective and there's no wrong answer here. If your friend doesn't like it, then just listen to her and be there for her. Our opinions don't matter really, because her opinion is her reality. The only thing I will say for some perspective is if her and her partner haven't been together long (8 months is a short amount of time) - and they haven't had a chat about this type of present - I guess they won't know what she does/doesn't want to receive.

My DH will walk up the stairs rather than use the escalator in our local M,&S if he is on his own because the escalator brings you out in the lingerie department. He hurries through when he is with me LOL.

I'd be mortified if my DP bought me underwear. i am picky, know what's comfortable for my shape and cup size etc. buying underwear to me is an extremely personal choice.

Luckily i've had these type of convo's with him

I don't need lingerie to feel sexy, but sometimes I like it. Quite a bit of it is silk, so can be even more comfortable than cotton. I prefer natural fibres because I find thrush particularly unsexy, so while I do have some pieces which are artificial fibres, they're things I'm likely to wear for only a short time before their removal. But I'm happy to be bought stuff, which is why I tend to mention my size fairly early on. Points to the man who remembers that info and uses it well (especially as many lingerie manufacturers don't cater for A-cups.)

Don't always remove all my clothes for sex, either. Certainly not immediately. Maybe for round 2.

Variety, that's what makes sex fun. Sometimes thst means lingerie, sometimes it doesn't. There's space in life for both slow, senuous love-making as well as a hard quick fuck because we're both desperate for each other.

Lingerie is fine as a gift if it meets your tastes. And if there are no expectations there and then. I probably will wear it. Maybe not that day, though.

different people like different things?

Well I never

we're both desperate for each other.

I think many on MN don't have that sort of relationship.

I think if you're offended, or annoyed by your Partner buying you lingerie, that maybe you're not with the right man. I say that as someone who would have inwardly groaned if my 1st H had bought me some, as I didn't want sex with him anymore, certainly didn't fancy him anymore, and so yes, I'd be concerned that he was trying to coerce me into sex I didn't want.

Read that back to yourself and have a think about how utterly ridiculous it is, seriously. So if a woman doesn't like lingerie, she's not met the right man yet? Truly? I love having sex with my partner. It's the most amazing, life-changing experience. I don't want him buying me lingerie and he never has.

Some women do not want to dress up for sex. If you do, that's fine. But lingerie emphasises certain aspects of your body. It can seem objectifying. Some women do not want it. I'm not sure how many other ways there are to point out that liking sex and liking lingerie are not the same thing. One isn't necessary for the other.

This is so belittling and misogynistic.

’if you don’t like dressing up or expect a present to be something you like you must hate sex and are frigid’

I find it so weird that people can’t comprehend that people have great sexual lives and also don’t dress up. Or might have a great sex life but lot be into everything their partner is.

If he bought tickets to a concert for a band that he preferred, but Op wasn’t interested in, no one would say ‘oh but he bought for you to enjoy together’.

I disagree, and I think it's a good present - better than some tacky cuddly toy or a bunch of red roses that will be dead by the end of the week!

A bunch of red roses can be turned into more roses tbh so they aren’t a waste. Great present for someone like me who likes roses and is into gardening.

Lingerie is quite personal and obviously dependent on the person. A gift is about the receiver not the giver unless the giver knows that is what the receiver wants (lingerie that both would enjoy, a meal together somewhere).

What a completely rediculous thing to feel sad about. Feeling sad for people who enjoy things sexually that isn't your personal bag is just weird. Plenty of people do wear clothes during sex and enjoy doing so. I don't understand your problem with it.

At the end of the day it comes down to the individual. I love nice underwear. It makes me feel sexy. If a partner bought it for me, I would enjoy it. However, he should know her and know that she wouldn't appreciate it so really it's case closed.

Yabvvvu and I feel sad for those who feel like they need sexy lingerie to be sexy. Underwear that is cotton and comfortable is much better. You don't wear clothes during sex. Bodies are or should be sensual enough

Save your misplaced sadness.
I don't need sexy lingerie but I like it and that's okay.

Don't feel sorry for me! I've got a cracking sex life and thoroughly enjoy underwear!

I may wear cotton everyday, but dressing up for a shag sometimes is great.

And you can wear underwear and have sex, you do know it's not the law to be completely naked...... variety is the spice of life and all that!

@Noideawwhatsoccuring it's also weird that people don't understand that women love dressing up and getting the pleasure from a hugely turned on man? Yeah not every time maybe, but as a bit of fun? It's bloody great.

To just assure you, my DH doesn't need it, but he loves it when it happens and so do I!

Great fun.

No idea which of my comments you are referring to.

but at no point have I suggested women can’t enjoy dressing up. Or shouldn’t enjoy it.

Nor have I stated that any man needs to his partner to dress up.

I did dispute that women who don’t want to dress up must have shit sex lives, not care about their partners pleasure, are forgot and so on.

Op is the one insisting that dressing up is an integral part of a healthy sex life. Op has repeatedly stated that not dressing up means that sex isn’t mutually pleasurable. What I said is that if it can’t be mutually pleasurable, without the woman dressing it up. That’s an issue. It might be part of some people’s healthy sex life. But you can have a great sex life without it. It’s not required to have a healthy sex life.

if a man can only get pleasure out of sex if a woman is dressed in certain underwear, that’s a problem. Why pretend it’s not. And it was Op who said that. Not me. I know for a fact men don’t need it. But they can enjoy it.

However, non of that changes the subject. Is it a good present? It’s not if it’s not something the woman enjoys and the man has bought for his own pleasure.

If you love doing dressing up and receiving underwear, that’s great. This woman doesn’t like receiving it, so it was a miss when it comes to presents.

I like lingerie and I like sex, but if that's all I got for valentines day then I would be pissed off too.

shame she wasn’t happy with it. What was she hoping for? My OH bought me a very expensive handbag for our first valentines…. I’ve used twice. Total waste of money. I would rather he did some diy ! I found 5 love languages interesting, not everyone appreciates gift buying. I wonder what she bought him and did he like it?

@Noideawwhatsoccuring

This comment

I find it so weird that people can’t comprehend that people have great sexual lives and also don’t dress up. Or might have a great sex life but lot be into everything their partner is.

And the misogynistic comment!

Weird!

Pointing out that calling women frigid because they may not want to dress up for sex, is misogynistic is weird to you?

Thats up to you if you find it weird. It’s still true.

and where in that comment does it say that some women don’t or couldn’t possibly enjoy it? Or say that some men need their partners to dress up?

Bit weird to quote someone and pretend they said something they didn’t.

@Noideawwhatsoccuring I read that particular comment in isolation, you may have posted 50 times in this thread.

That comment in isolation and the comment you responded too, to me came across as weird.

I'm not going to trawl back through the whole thread, I don't pay for premium and I'm quite busy.

You enjoy your sex life and I'll enjoy mine!

What?

That comment doesn’t say or even imply women can’t enjoy dressing up. Or that some men need women to dress up to enjoy sex.

No one told you to read all my posts. But the one you quoted doesn’t say anything near what you think it does. You know, the one you read.

It just appears you take it personally when someone likes different things to you.

again, calling women frigid and assuming they can’t possibly Have good sex if they won’t dress up, is misogynistic. Like I said, you continue to think it’s weird. Doesn’t change that it is.

and yes that was my point. People can enjoy all sorts of sex lives. Dressing up can be part of that and all doesn’t have to be.