AIBU to think lingerie is a good Valentine's gift?

[Moonfishstar]

So, my friend is pissed off with her bf (been together 8 months) for buying lingerie for as a valentine's present. She says it's a "present for him, not her!" She showed me a photo - it's expensive and classy not cheap and nasty.

I disagree, and I think it's a good present - better than some tacky cuddly toy or a bunch of red roses that will be dead by the end of the week! It shows your partner thinks you're hot and desires you sexually -that's surely a good thing and something you can enjoy together rather than it being "for him", especially when sex in so many relationships seems to be either crap or a rare occurrence, and so many men seem to have their heads turned by porn!

I'd hate this. Partly because it's a present for him, not me, and partly because it feels like a step towards controlling what I wear. I wouldn't accept a man choosing my clothes for me and that includes underwear.

I'd be asking for the receipt and exchanging it for a onesie.

Whether or not it's a good gift will depend on the giver, the recipient, and their relationship. At least it's a Valentine's Day gift and not birthday. Personally, I'd rather have chocolate or a nice meal.

OP sounds like a bloke..

Would he be happy if he never saw her in it? If she just wore it under her clothes in daily life and had taken them off before getting into bed with him?

If he would be fine with that, he can say it's a gift for her. Apparently not one she wants so it's a bad gift, but at least not a selfish one.

If he wouldn't be fine with that, it's clearly a gift at least equally as much for him as her, if not entirely for him.

My husband bought it for me once, decades ago. Very tasteful and expensive but something I just wouldn’t have worn. I told him. He took it back and bought me a beautiful painting, which I still love, instead.

Why would you be counting ceiling tiles during sex?

Don't you all like wearing things that turn on your DP? In my relationship we both love doing things for each other that we know the other will love, and we have really great sex as a result!

Are you so insecure that you think everyone has to be like you? Do you think only your way can be right? For some people, dressing up is great. For others it isn't. If someone doesn't like dressing up, it doesn't follow they're crap in bed. And if someone likes working their way through the Anne Summers catalogue, it doesn't mean they will necessarily be a firecracker.

Pleasing each other is great, but it doesn't have to involve lingerie.

Don't you all like wearing things that turn on your DP?

Do you consider it a present to yourself when you do that? Or is it something you're doing at least much for his benefit as yours, if not more so.

My ex brought me £100 of stuff that was lacy throng type shit and a bra that he didn’t even know if it fit. It was for him - not me and he was controlling - he was told to take it back. Underwear should be done carefully or not at all

I’d like it but I’m not your friend 🤷‍♀️

DH bought me some once. I wore it to be polite but stood in front of the mirror laughing. I looked and felt ridiculous. He came into the bedroom to see what I was laughing about and we both ended up giggling at my roll of fat hanging over the top of the pants. He didn't bother again, thank goodness.

A Victoria's Secret model I wasn't even then, let alone 40 years later. I mean , unless you have a great figure they will only rip the fancy packaging off to find a plain cardboard box underneath. I still wouldn't have had any boobs to speak of. Still, he tried, bless him.

I think many in here are thinking very 'me me me'...

If it's classy and will get some use (practically, not just sexually), isn't that a win for both parties? Underwear is expensive, so you get something nice, he gets something nice, and it's been well thought out. Not something transient like flowers or chocolates...

I think many in here are thinking very 'me me me'...

We're talking about presents. It should be about and for the recipient.

I love lingerie and I like wearing sexy underwear. It’s something I do for me and my partner. He loves it and so do it. I wouldn’t call it controlling because he picked out some underwear for me. If he picked out my food from a menu then absolutely.

It turns your friend into a sex doll that her boyfriend wants to dress up and play with.

Would he be okay with never seeing her in the underwear, I doubt it. He wants to get his rocks off to it. Great that he finds her physically attractive, but it just smacks of his gratification and not hers.

I'll never forget my boyfriend at the time buying me three sets of lingerie, one which was white with fluorescent green lace trim and the bra was one of those stupid ones that doesn't cover your nipple, sits just underneath it. A bright red faux silk slip thing that was just garish and awful. I pulled out the last set to be greeted with black lace and I thought, finally, might have one decent set at least, only to discover nope. Crotchless pants.

I was partial to some lingerie but all of mine was from For Love & Lemons.. these were cheap tat off love honey.

If you buy someone a gift, it is about them. If it’s something they don’t really like but you do, you have made the act of giving a gift all about yourself. So extremely ‘me me me’

Just because something is expensive, it doesn’t mean it will get use or is a good present. It doesn’t mean the person has to feel comfortable wearing it. There’s far more to women’s underwear choices than the cost.

Apologies.

I sneezed. Which meant I had no time in which to place the forgotten parenthesis, as it was action stations to avoid DP's next act of service being cleaning the new couch whilst I swear profusely about my bastarding uterus from the nearest bathroom.

Well, it's Valentines Day, not a birthday, and love and sex should be all about mutual gratification!

Btw, I didn't tell her she should like it... I kept those thoughts to myself, until I posted on here.

DP and I often exchange transient things like beer and chocolate. The great thing about this is we both like them and once they're consumed, they're not lying around cluttering the place up. Works for us but I don't expect that everyone would want to do the same.

I would like it. I would love to feel that I was turning my partner on. I find these responses very strange

It signifies that she's not sexy enough for him

These things are nice to receive when you have specifically planned a dirty weekend. And when you have maybe had some input too.

not everyone is a prude having shite sex because we wouldn’t appreciate lingerie as a gift in this situation.

In your comment, you even phrase this as a performative act of ‘wearing something to turn your partner on’. It’s a present for him. He wants to see her in it. It’s nothing to do with her.

today I got the most lovely bracelet. Nothing too pricey, only gold plated- but it’s exactly my taste and I have been smiling every time I have looked down today. A real love token. That’s what your friend wanted to feel on this occasion with a new beau, not a model to dress up.

What is it that you find strange? That not everyone likes the same thing as you? Sex is very personal and subjective. Why is it odd for you that people like different things?

Fair point, but I doubt he did it malicously.

Rather than thinking he's a dick for thinking of himself, maybe see it as an opportunity. OK, he messed up this time, but now you have a means of making another day special for him as you know something he'd enjoy.

Basically, I'd respond one of two ways:

"DP, I know you meant well, but this isn't something I'd ever wear, I'm sorry... I feel this is more for you. Please don't feel offended, but I'd much prefer 'ice cream'"
or
"DP, thank you for the lovely gift. I do feel like this is more for you, though. I'll tell you what, if you treat me to icee cream, I'll wear this for you in the future".

Just thinking out loud, that's probably how I'd handle it, but everybody's different.