AIBU to think lingerie is a good Valentine's gift?

[Moonfishstar]

So, my friend is pissed off with her bf (been together 8 months) for buying lingerie for as a valentine's present. She says it's a "present for him, not her!" She showed me a photo - it's expensive and classy not cheap and nasty.

I disagree, and I think it's a good present - better than some tacky cuddly toy or a bunch of red roses that will be dead by the end of the week! It shows your partner thinks you're hot and desires you sexually -that's surely a good thing and something you can enjoy together rather than it being "for him", especially when sex in so many relationships seems to be either crap or a rare occurrence, and so many men seem to have their heads turned by porn!

Sure I am not one of them but some women do like it, icget sick of this policing of what women should or should not like

She should be free to like it or not

Been together 12+ years and never been bought lingerie , nor have i ever "dressed up" for him.

I buy a LOT of lingerie for myself. I’d be delighted if my DH bought me lingerie but it’s clear that I love it so it would very much be a present for me (as well as him). Obviously the person receiving the gift here doesn’t feel the same and that’s ok- different people, different likes.

And what if the woman in question feels uncomfortable dressing up for sex?

Are you suggesting she should anyway, cause he likes it? There’s a massive problem if her dressing up is so important to him, he needs her to do it to feel fulfilled even if she is uncomfortable.

Would you say that applies to all peoples kinks? A woman should participate in any sexual act even if she doesn’t like it, because their male partner does.

Not sure people said he was a dick. I certainly didn’t. But if you look at something and I think ‘I am going to get that for my partner because I would enjoy it’, it’s a selfish act. That says quite a lot.

Of course she should discuss it with him. Did anyone suggest she shouldn’t?

But that doesn’t change the fact that he bought a gift for himself. Not for her. Which is the discussion.

Oh dear! Rather have some lovely flowers and chocolates!

It’s a lovely present for a woman who likes nice lingerie, which I personally do. I’d be delighted to receive it as a gift. I know a lot of my friends would too. Not to wear for sex, particularly. Just because it’s a nice luxury. If the bloke finds it sexy that’s a bonus.

I also don’t see what’s wrong with anyone, male or female, implying that they’re hoping for sex. I like sex and I’d be delighted to know it was on my partner’s mind, especially early on in the relationship.

If your friend doesn’t feel that way about lingerie (or sex, perhaps), obviously it’s not a great gift for her! But plenty of women, including me, would definitely be really pleased with luxury, classy lingerie. For me, it’s just a nice thing that feels like a glamorous treat - in the same category as perfume - and I think your friend’s boyfriend probably thought it was a nice ‘girly’ gift and also a compliment to how gorgeous he thinks she is. So although it’s missed the mark, I think it was probably really well-intentioned.

And yet blokes buying lingerie was the entire reason Victoria's Secret was set up. That's their original clientele.

Don't you all like wearing things that turn on your DP?

That's the thing. I don't have to. He gets turned on just knowing I'm up for it, or if a I make a silly joke, or send a silly text,or when I moan when he's scratching/rubbing my back. Now that's passion and love.

I know he wants me without all the frills and shit. I am enough. Even in my joggers, granny pants and oversized tshirt.

If your partner thinks you're hot and desires you sexually, he doesn't need you to dress up like a porn star. It's really only a good present if I makes her happy; otherwise it's a misfire which says he either doesn't know who she is and what she wants or doesn't care.

You can like sex without indulging in paraphilias.

If he was looking to turn her on, surely if should be him dressing up not her? What does he wear in the bedroom to turn HER on? Or is her pleasure meant to come completely from her awareness of HIS arousal looking at her? Have you heard of "the male gaze" OP?

The idea that the best a man can do to turn his partner on is to buy her an outfit HE is going to find her hot in tells you exactly why so much heterosexual sex is crap and pointless for women once the initial cocktail of first love/bonding hormones wear off. It's ALL about the man; even the woman's arousal is supposed to be about how the man feels: doesn't it make you hot to know he wants you, he will like it better if you're noisier, blah blah blah it's all about THE MAN.

Exactly this. I don't like being naked having sex, I like to be in sexy lingerie, so this wouldn't bother me at all.

@Noideawwhatsoccuring

(Rather than copying a huge post)

No, that's why I suggested the first option... thanks, please take it back in exchange for ice cream.

As I said, each to their own. If she's willing to wear that for him (whether she likes it, or even if she doesn't) as a treat for him, great! If it makes her uncomfortable, then be honest, and say please return it.

Disassociative activity to take you out of your body that is having crap sex you don't want but can't avoid if you don't want it to be a constant bone of contention in all other areas of an otherwise functional partnership you can't for whatever reason leave. HTH.

If you are having sex you don’t want then your relationship isn’t functional on any level.

Someone buying you underwear is the wrong issue to be focusing on.

But no one said she shouldn’t discuss with him.
So, your point is irrelevant. You said she should use it as a treat for him at some point. She may not want to.

Even if she feels comfortable doing that. It’s still a treat for him. So it’s still not a present for her, it’s for him. Which is what the woman is question said.

You still haven’t addressed how believing a present for someone should be for them, not for yourself is all ‘me me me’. But buying a present for someone else based on what you would like, not what they would like isn’t all ‘me me me’.

It appears you might just like telling women they are selfish. Selfish to expect a present to be something they would like.

It would be fine if it was one of several presents, but to be the only thing then no I wouldn't like it.

Also I doubt he went and chose it himself, it was probably his mum or sister or it's what one of the Only Fans stars or Instagram influencers he likes wears.

I wouldn't enjoy it. I like my M&S knickers, and would see it as a present for him, because parading around in underwear isn't something that makes me feel more in the mood- although I'm well aware that some women do really enjoy it and good for them. I guess it's more about buying something that your partner likes- so for you underwear would be a great gift your appreciate. For your friend it's a cliche and not bought with any understanding of what she actually likes. So I'd be disappointed that after 8 months my partner doesn't know me that well.

Completely depends on your relationship and your taste, there’s no right or wrong! I like nice lingerie, DP knows which brands I like and sometimes gets me nice bits as a treat. Matching sets or silk nighties a bit more special than my usual ordinary M&S ones that I can wear when I feel like it.

It makes me feel good and I like that he still sees me in that way and it takes us out of “mum & dad” headspace. It’s absolutely not for everyone though!

I agree but we do love to dress up for sex alot, not costumes but we both have sexy lingerie and like to look good for eachother. Although, I bought myself lingerie for DP so I can kinda see her point. But yeah I'd say I have an expectation of sex on valentines day aswell but we do have a lot of very great, very satisfying sex.

Different strokes for different folks maybe.

Yanbu what is wrong with nice underwear and sex?

Good grief. That’s quite some projection going on here.

Who on earth have you been shagging that’s given you an outlook this bleak? Even my worst relationship wasn’t as bad as this.

’Irresponsible’ has made me laugh out loud.

And yet whenever a woman comes on here and says she is just over it, doesn't want to have sex any more, still loves her husband but has no libido, she is told this is unacceptable, he should leave her, she should go to the doctor immediately and get checked out, take testosterone, fake it to make it, WHATEVER IT TAKES because not wanting to have sex is not something any male partner should ever be expected to put up with.

If you have children, you have to consider them. Your marriage breaking up through lack of sex, or your partner being miserable about not having it, is not a good environment for kids. For some women, keeping the family home intact and broadly speaking happy is worth lying back and thinking of England as often as it may take. Eats away at the soul a bit, but divorce fucks over children so really you're just picking who you want to suffer and how much.

I always assumed people on threads with this "just leave!" attitude either don't have kids or don't have any experience of being a child of a divorced/"blended" family. It's not like when you're 19 and just sack your boyfriend off because you're bored of him. That's your kids' father and their family. You don't throw that away until you've done everything you can to make it work.

You can also dislike lingerie without being absolutely fucking batshit with a grotesquely warped notion of sexual relationships. ‘Indulging in paraphilias’ ffs! 🤣🤣🤣