AIBU to think lingerie is a good Valentine's gift?

[Moonfishstar]

So, my friend is pissed off with her bf (been together 8 months) for buying lingerie for as a valentine's present. She says it's a "present for him, not her!" She showed me a photo - it's expensive and classy not cheap and nasty.

I disagree, and I think it's a good present - better than some tacky cuddly toy or a bunch of red roses that will be dead by the end of the week! It shows your partner thinks you're hot and desires you sexually -that's surely a good thing and something you can enjoy together rather than it being "for him", especially when sex in so many relationships seems to be either crap or a rare occurrence, and so many men seem to have their heads turned by porn!

I love lingerie. I buy it for myself and if a partner wanted to buy me some, he'd be welcome to

If it was taste-full and actually fitted then I would t mind as it would have meant he would have had to have put a bit of thought into it….. more so than just getting a bunch of over priced flowers

Just feels like he's dressing up a doll. Where is his fancy underwear?

He might be wearing some for all we know. I bought silk boxers for my last boyfriend.

I saw a throuple in one recently. Yuk yuk yuk. All shopping together for the one young woman. Gave me the proper heebie jeebies.

I think it really depends on the relationship.
We buy each other underwear/sexy presents for Valentine's Day. We always have and it's what we do.

We like that and it works for both of us.

My friend would be furious if her husband bought her underwear as that's not something they do.

Each to their own. Neither is wrong (or grim!)

That's impressive I got a garlic press 😊

If a man needs a woman to be wearing specific costume in order to find her arousing I'd call that a paraphilia, yes. It's about the clothes not the woman.

Doesn’t everyone?! Else no one would ever have consensual sex!

What someone wears in the bedroom doesn’t equal how much they like sex.

I love lingerie and have a large range of it but I don’t think it should be bought for an occasion like Valentine’s Day, birthday, Xmas etc, especially as the main/only gift.

But I wouldn’t be overly upset over it as the only reason men celebrate Valentine’s Day is to have sex and so you can’t blame them for thinking about a sexual gift.

For many people sex seems to be perceived as something two people get pleasure out of as individuals, both using either other for sexual pleasure as enhanced masturbatory aids, not as a couple who find mutual and shared pleasure from each other... so the nice underwear is "his" pleasure which is very distinct and separate from "her" pleasure, and the thought of finding pleasure through your partner's pleasure, and vice versa, doesn't seem to compute as people are so inured to their selfish perception of sex.

@herewegoroundthebastardbush

If a man needs a woman to be wearing specific costume in order to find her arousing I'd call that a paraphilia, yes. It's about the clothes not the woman.

Liking lingerie is very different to needing lingerie.

I would love it if my partner bought me lingerie for valentine's day tbh and like it's Valentine's day, generally I'd expect that we were going to have sex on valentine's day. I don't see wearing lingerie even if something he's picked because he finds it hot as just a gift for him because sex is something you enjoy together.

Surely no man get his mum to choose lingerie for his girlfriend, however much of a mummy's boy he is. That's ridiculous.

I don't see wearing lingerie even if something he's picked because he finds it hot as just a gift for him because sex is something you enjoy together.

And yet his seems to be an alien concept for so many it seems.

DH sometimes buys me fancy lingerie, but never as the only gift for birthday/christmas/valentines/anniversary.

it’s either an add on, or a random gift if he’s seen something that he likes or thinks I’d like. I’d not be overly impressed if it was my only gift for an occasion.

Lucky her 😂

I got nothing except a card.

At least you're not entitled..... you like it but you must have other stuff as well?

Really?

I've the same view as you OP!

Yeah. I mean I don’t dislike it but it’s not my preference for a gift.

I’d prefer many other things…. chocolate, booze, perfume, flowers, a book…. But my DH knows my preferences so it’s not an issue.

just like I know what things he’d prefer and those would be what I’d get him but may then add on something else he quite likes but isn’t his favourite.

Yes, that's exactly what people are saying.

Oh wait. No they aren't.

You are mixing issues. He bought the underwear because it would bring him sexual pleasure. It's not a gift for her. It's a gift to himself for his own sexual pleasure. Sp she is correct. It wasnt a gift for her. If he wanted to get something to treat her, then it was a miss.

She may not mind wearing it at some point. But still feel if wasnt a gift for her. Because it wasn't.

She also may not feel comfortable wearing it to have sex in. That's OK too. She can still enjoy sex that they both get pleasure out of.

To suggest if people dont want to be bought sexy underwear or dont enjoy wearing it, means they don't care about their partners sexual pleasure, implies that sex isn't pleasurable for the man unless she is dressed in lingerie. That's a issue. If he needs her to be dressed up to feel pleasured by sex, she still doesn't have to do it.

Just like anyone doesn't have to do anything sexual they don't feel comfortable with. That doesn't mean they don't care about their partners pleasure at all. Just they aren't comfortable with certain things.

If this man only enjoys sex when a woman wears certain underwear, then he using her as an enhanced masturbatory aid. I am sure that's not the case here.

It's really OK, to not be comfortable with every sexual thing your partner wants. A caring partner would be OK with it and together they would ensure sex is good for bogb people.

If my husband bought this I would tell him he was being a twat and move on

I see no need to have epic long existential crisis over the deep and meaningful reasons why, do people put long thought processes into reasons why their partners do things?

Depends on the lingerine and the couple dynamics surely? I've gotten a few lingerine sets for Christmases and Valentine days, it's always been a part of the gift but I don't see anything wrong with it. Some of it is unwearable outside of the bedroom and some is perfectly fine for a day to day wear, so idk, it would be fine by me. What really is important, however, is if that's something he thought she would enjoy based on previous experiences with her, or if that was an assumption out of nowhere.

Do you not see how narrow minded it is to think that if someone doesn't like the same kinks as you (be it lingerie, role play, "toys", BDSM, anal, or whatever else) they don't enjoy sex?

I used to love sex (before my libido jumped off a cliff post children, but that's another story). I had lots of wonderful sex with several partners (not at the same time!), and also some crap sex, which taught me some lessons about how to choose a partner. The crap sex was almost always with men who were using me as a place-filler for an out of the box fantasy they already had, rather than being aroused by ME - MY body, my pleasure, the things I was doing to them and them to me. Men who actually FOCUS on the sex they're having during sex, rather than trying to approximate some porny idea in their heads and pursuing that with props and scripts, are rare and wonderful things and the sex is out of this world. I feel sorry for people whose partners are so jaded they need all the paraphernalia, fantasies etc instead of being astonished by the sheer pleasure we are able to share if we just focus and get in synch with each other.

Still. This is al a bit of a blind alley. It's a shit present because she didn't like it. Which means he doesn't know her as well as he should. It's no different than if he bought her a JoJo Moyes book when she's more of a Hilary Mantel kind of girl; he needs to try harder to know what she likes.

When you're young and at it like rabbits it's not so bad .But as the years go by kids have come along life throws what it can at you and getting older . If I was still getting the same thing , being underwear I might tie him up in it and leave him in the bedroom .