AIBU to think lingerie is a good Valentine's gift?

[Moonfishstar]

So, my friend is pissed off with her bf (been together 8 months) for buying lingerie for as a valentine's present. She says it's a "present for him, not her!" She showed me a photo - it's expensive and classy not cheap and nasty.

I disagree, and I think it's a good present - better than some tacky cuddly toy or a bunch of red roses that will be dead by the end of the week! It shows your partner thinks you're hot and desires you sexually -that's surely a good thing and something you can enjoy together rather than it being "for him", especially when sex in so many relationships seems to be either crap or a rare occurrence, and so many men seem to have their heads turned by porn!

Speak for yourself!!
Ages 53 and 42 here.... still 'at it like rabbits' and I love being bought underwear for any occasion.
This year was a stunning body suit from Honey Birdette 😍

@DollyTrolly Yeah sometimes life throws at you some things you don't expect .

I think lingerie is a shit gift. I would rather chocolates and flowers and better yet real gold.

Absolutely this! Gives me the ick!

But that's different to suggesting this is only a present appreciated when you're young and that only young, child free couples are having regular sex.

There is nothing wrong with underwear as a present IF that is the dynamic of your relationship.

Lots of women appreciate sexy, 'bedroom only' lingerie too and actually buy it for themselves sometimes! In fact, it was women who recommended my two favourite lingerie brands to me.

I find it interesting OP that no matter how many women on here explain that lingerie would not be a good gift for them, you insist that it is. You also persist in linking the ideas that lingerie is about sex, sex is good, and therefore not liking lingerie must mean you're bad in bed and don't like sex. You don't seem to be able to get your head around the idea that lingerie and sex and not immutably linked.

I've not seen you once say 'oh, okay, I've listened. I get that not everyone likes lingerie, even though I do'. This refusal to budge doesn't bode well. Your friend is allowed her opinion. It's a perfectly valid one. Lingerie can be a good gift if you like it. If you don't like it, it's not a good present and means your partner doesn't know you. And crucially, means your partner doesn't listen to your preferences, wants and needs, but tries to bulldoze you into accepting what they like. Listening to preferences and aiming to please are important for a good sex life. Repeatedly saying 'well if you don't like what I like, that means you're bad in bed' is not a quality I would look for in a partner. I'd learn to listen if I were you.

I wouldn't mind if it was high end and fitted well. If it was AS rubbish or supermarket tat, I would laugh and take it as a joke and we would have a good giggle.

I think it entirely depends on their relationship and for me, that is honesty, an enjoyment of sex and a bit of jokey titillation & play can be part of that. Equally, if one of us is not in the mood, we are fine to say so and respect each other.

I like it. But I fancy my husband and like having sex with him and I like that he really finds it a turn on. Nothing wrong with doing something to please your partner if it also pleases you to do so.

I would be incredibly annoyed by lingerie as a gift. That isfor his sexual gratification. Thats not romantic its really cringy

But you'd accept it's a shit gift to your partner if they weren't into it, even if you'd get off from seeing them in it? And that it's ok that the mere fact it woul get your partner off isn't reason enough for them not only to wear it but to be aroused by it too?

Which is sort of th point. OP and lots of posters on this thread, yourself included, are at pains to point out how much sex they're having and that they love dressing up in lingerie and would loved to receive it from their partner. But what OP is asking is "AIBU to think that lingerie is a good valentine's gift", with the view that her friend was unreasonable to think it wasn't.

When what myself and others on this thread are saying is, there is no such thing as an objectively good valentine's present - the only 'good' present is one the recipient likes, that makes them feel understood and appreciated. You don't buy Dairy Box for someone with a milk allergy; you don't buy lilies for someone with hay fever; you don't buy the Complete Works of Charles Dickens for someone who prefers Love Island; and you don't buy lingerie for someone who doesn't like to wear it in the bedroom, no matter how much it might turn you on to see them in it.

So he took a punt and got it wrong? Fair enough. 8 months into a relationship there's still a lot people don't know about each other, sexually or otherwise. So he should ust apologise for getting it wrong, understand why it didn't hit the mark and do better next time.

What isn't required is some handmaiden who is supposed to be the recipient's friend tutting on the internet about how she is doing valentine's, relationships and sex wrong because it happens not to line up with her own tastes, or entirely based around what turns her fella on without reference to her own self image or fundamental approach.

The important part is the last bit. It clearly doesn't please the friend. So it's not a good present.

We were sitting on a plane and they kept bringing rises and heart shaped cakes and then we realised it was valentines day. Had both totally forgotten and that's the way I like it. I'm an earning self reliant adult. I want underwear or a Teddy bear, I buy it. I can't think of anything worse than someone else choosing my underwear. Kudos to QA for making the effort but the violin was way too much for boarding a flight.

I disagree, and I think it's a good present - better than some tacky cuddly toy or a bunch of red roses that will be dead by the end of the week!

So it would be a good present for you. That doesn't mean it's a good present for her. Some women love roses or cuddly toys, so regardelss of what you or I might think of those things, that would be a good present for them. You really seem to struggle with the idea that other women might not like what you like.

Your suggestion that women who don't enjoy sexy lingerie can't possibly have fulfilling, mutually satisfying sex lives with their partners is really bizarre.

Some women enjoy dressing up for sex, because it makes them feel good and enhances their experience. In which case, lingerie would be a good present for them. But if your friend doesn't particularly enjoy dressing up for sex then she's absolutely correct that her BF has bought himself a present, not her. After 8 months she may be feeling a little disappointed that her boyfriend doesn't know her well enough to predict how she would feel about it.

I would have loved a silk camisole set back in the day! No lace etc. So yes the right kind (and size) would be lovely.

I'm with you Op. DH bought me lots of stuff yesterday, but my favourite, by far, was a ruby red lingerie set, comprising of lacy bra, panties, stockings and suspenders. We gave them a test run, and it was lots of fun. 😍We have been together a long time, but this still turns us both on.

I think if you're offended, or annoyed by your Partner buying you lingerie, that maybe you're not with the right man. I say that as someone who would have inwardly groaned if my 1st H had bought me some, as I didn't want sex with him anymore, certainly didn't fancy him anymore, and so yes, I'd be concerned that he was trying to coerce me into sex I didn't want.

Or maybe, just maybe, you just really don't enjoy getting all gussied up to have sex, find it artificial and absurd (for you, I hasten to add, not for anyone else), and the only thing that might indicate you're not with the right man is that he bought you lingerie anyway so either hasn't realised this or doesn't care?

There is honestly, really, nothing essential about lingerie to the appreciation of sex, any more than any other fetish. Different strokes for different folks.

I honestly think the fact so many women think sexy=lingerie by definition shows how pornified our culture is. There is more than one way to experience and express your sexuality and it doesn't have to involve props to be authentic and complete.

I think if you're offended, or annoyed by your Partner buying you lingerie, that maybe you're not with the right man.

Or maybe different people enjoy different things 🤷‍♀️

I'd much rather have a couple of books on subjects I'm interested in rather than a load of awful undies! UGH! It's just presents for him not her.

Nope, it's not something I would want to receive.

I walked into Asda on Tuesday and there was a guy fingering through the red lacy knickers at the front of the store. Instant ick and cringe.

I think if you're offended, or annoyed by your Partner buying you lingerie, that maybe you're not with the right man.

That’s just rubbish. I’ve been with my DH 34 years, we still enjoy sex. He just isn’t comfortable choosing and buying lingerie for me. If I wanted some he’d be happy for me to choose it and him to pay but I prefer to buy my own.

But you'd accept it's a shit gift to your partner if they weren't into it, even if you'd get off from seeing them in it? And that it's ok that the mere fact it woul get your partner off isn't reason enough for them not only to wear it but to be aroused by it too?

I was pretty clear in my post that it's an appropriate gift FOR SOME PEOPLE.

Which is sort of th point. OP and lots of posters on this thread, yourself included, are at pains to point out how much sex they're having and that they love dressing up in lingerie and would loved to receive it from their partner. But what OP is asking is "AIBU to think that lingerie is a good valentine's gift", with the view that her friend was unreasonable to think it wasn't.

I was responding to a particular post that said it was only suitable for young people who are having lots of sex. That post suggested that once you are older and have children that's no longer the case. I was simply pointing out that is not always the case. I wasn't replying directly to the Op.

I was also pointing out that SOME women like lingerie and that's okay.

When what myself and others on this thread are saying is, there is no such thing as an objectively good valentine's present - the only 'good' present is one the recipient likes, that makes them feel understood and appreciated. You don't buy Dairy Box for someone with a milk allergy; you don't buy lilies for someone with hay fever; you don't buy the Complete Works of Charles Dickens for someone who prefers Love Island; and you don't buy lingerie for someone who doesn't like to wear it in the bedroom, no matter how much it might turn you on to see them in it.

I agree with you.

So he took a punt and got it wrong? Fair enough. 8 months into a relationship there's still a lot people don't know about each other, sexually or otherwise. So he should ust apologise for getting it wrong, understand why it didn't hit the mark and do better next time.

I agree.

What isn't required is some handmaiden who is supposed to be the recipient's friend tutting on the internet about how she is doing valentine's, relationships and sex wrong because it happens not to line up with her own tastes, or entirely based around what turns her fella on without reference to her own self image or fundamental approach.

I agree.

Depends on the relationship I think. I agree with everything said in your OP, I love to get lingerie from my dp but if someone is always being nagged for sex from their dp for example and then gets lingerie I can see why they'd be upset.

HE HAS AN EXPECTATION OF SEX

Whats wrong with that? Why shouldn't he? They are BF & GF. And its not just a present for him, presumably he thought they could have fun together. Like most normal people that aren't frigid repressed MNers

And there we have it. Not wanting to fuck on cue in a pre-selected costume = frigid. Misogyny at its finest.

Yabvvvu and I feel sad for those who feel like they need sexy lingerie to be sexy. Underwear that is cotton and comfortable is much better. You don't wear clothes during sex. Bodies are or should be sensual enough.