To have said I wasn't going to feed them?

[chucklechucky]

This happened last weekend but only had chance to post.

Last Saturday I ended up looking after DSS 11 by myself when DH had to work overtime. We also have a 3 year old together.

DSS had asked for a friend to sleep over which to be honest I wasn't keen on as I was by myself and could have done without another child in the house when DH wasnt there but I reluctantly agreed after a bit of guilt tripping!

I did say to DH though that if DSS's friend was staying then he would have to have tea at his own home first and come after that as I didn't want to have to feed him as well (the friend). We didn't have any pizzas to chuck in unless I dragged a 3 year old to the shop for one and what I'd planned to cook was more of a sit at the table kind of meal which I didn't want to have to do with DSS's friend, who I've never met.

Dh seemed a bit put out by this and was making comments like "you wouldn't say that if it was DC3s friend when they are older".

We ended up getting into a little bit of an argument and I basically said he either eats before he comes or he doesn't come. Dh did end up speaking to DSS who asked his friend to have tea first. Friend did so, came over, and they were fine (if not a little loud and had to be told a few times to keep it down once it was late).

Things with me and DH were tense the next day.

Was I being unreasonable? I felt I was doing DH a favour as it was, and then another on top having DSS's friend over when he wasn't there and I just cba cooking tea for another person on top of that too and having to have a sit down meal with a random 11 year old I didn't know.

I don't see how it's a big deal to just simply ask a friend to have tea before coming over. Aibu?

Well, the bottom line is you either instinctively know how to behave decently or you don't 🤷🏻‍♀️
The fact that you keep referring to legal responsibility or lack of tells us which camp you're in.

I wouldn’t have his child unless he was there, & I certainly wouldn’t have the friend.

Whether you consider me to be decent or not isn’t something I care about.

You’re again dismissing legal responsibility as if it’s a minor point. The law is something objective that can be referenced, whereas opinions regarding what exactly constitutes ‘decent’, and what stepparents ‘should’ do within the law are subjective. We’re all free to make our own minds up there.

She knew she was marrying a man with a child so should step up and parent that child too whilst with them. Hardly much of an effort feeding one more mouth.

Sounds just like the woman who married my niece’s arse hole father and totally removed her from their lives.

He was at work trying to provide for his family, which sounds very much needed if there is no food in the house. Your making out he's gone up the pub with his mates

Ummm yes you are unreasonable! I think if you invite a child over for a sleepover (wether you want to or not you agreed) you feed them! You are agreeing to care for that child while at your house. Absolute insanity in my eyes! If I was that other child's mum I wouldn't of let him come knowing you were unwilling to feed him. Worlds actually gone crazy, you see this as a chore 🙄 it's for one night for goodness sake!

Then please don't ever get into a relationship with someone with children if you have no desire to be a family

It's about making him feel welcome in his parent's home.
Why would he feel unwelcome? It’s not as if she tried to prevent him from staying over or even prevent his friend from staying over.

Maybe he felt it was fine. But from the OP there is strong strong sense that the atmosphere was hostile.
I don’t think it was hostility, more not wanting to take on more than she felt up to. Which I think is fair enough.

A second post which gave more insight into the actual situation and her DHs behaviour. There are plenty of threads on MN where more insight into the situation is given in further posts. People don't like it here because it didn't fit with the evil SM trope so obviously the automatic assumption is she must just be lying or over exaggerating. Of course.

Yeah it really has gone crazy when a parent is so up in arms about the prospect of feeding their own child before they go to someone else's house last minute. Pre arranged I'd agree, last minute. Feed your own kid first what's the issue? It's not like the child was already there and made to watch OP and DSS eat whilst he starved. He was asked to come after tea time. Considering it was last minute plans I assume his own parents were planning on feeding him anyway that evening. Hardly puts them out to still do so before dropping him off for someone else to look after all night does it.

I'd think the opposite. I'd find it rude as hell if I'd agreed to have your child overnight at the last minute and you were annoyed because you had to feed them tea first.

Yes you were being U.
Sounds like you were being a bit childish tbh!

But...what about the husband / father's share of the food ?

He was doing overtime, I guess this overtime wasn't planned - so there would have been enough food for him to eat dinner...

Also the OP didn't say what hours this overtime took place during, so did the husband / father return home by adult bedtime thus was there in the morning for breakfast...

I don’t think it’s about the incident as much as the attitude. The incredible excuse about not wanting to sit at the table with the friend signals a grudging and disobliging attitude towards DS generally. So when op asked if she was BU many people thought yes.

Inter it’s weird that legality is your only guide for behaviour. Most people take that as a given and their concern is to navigate the less clear ground. Otherwise there would be no need for forums like MN - or indeed masses of philosophy and other things that breathe life into us as humans. Instead people could just consult the statutes. Hey, in future AI could even allow us to have them programmed into us.

That said DH sounds a total pain. I just feel sorry for this kid. I hope his bio mum is lovely.

That isn’t what I said at all.

I said legality is something objective that can be referred to. Within the law there are myriad positions to take on matters of morality and the role of a stepparent, dependent on each individual. People thankfully do have the freedom to decide that for themselves and their families, regardless of whether others posters approve.

Understanding philosophies, and indeed reading forums like mumsnet, can be very interesting to gain insight into how others think and feel, but I’m not sure they always make unclear ground easier to navigate. Depends on whether you’re picking up Descartes or Kierkegaard I suppose.

Only on mn could people support Cinderella's step mum.

I don't understand what the big fuss is about asking a kid to have food before he turns up. I'm presuming you, your DSS and DC had dinner before the friend turned up, rather than having him sit in the next room while you ate together? No harm done.

It's okay to not really have a guest sprung upon you for dinner if you don't know them, especially if it's last minute and you're unprepared. There's plenty more opportunity to get to know the friend in future.

Does he have to do all the cleaning then? That’s why she was called Cinderella (Cinder Ella) you know, cause she was always covered in ash from having to do all the housework back when it was just coal fires and mangles.

I must admit I had no idea DSS situation was quite that dire.

Mean not my child attitude I live with the man but sod the child attitude is bloody awful it's not the child's fault that step mum has taken on a second hand man she knew about the son presumably.

*As if that’s a minor point. It isn’t.

What constitutes moral responsibility clearly varies wildly from person to person, family to family. You may consider it a moral responsibility, that doesn’t mean OP or anyone else has to agree it is one or act according to that belief.*

No shit.

@InterIgnis That's about the whole crux of this discussion.

I would hazard that most of those many are not step parents and, like most people, have absolutely no idea about the dynamics of ‘blending’ a family. So their views are irrelevant. Basically, they hate the stepmother as in their fantasy scenario she is caring for their kids after a break up.

🙄 Hazard away.

Exactly. People are blowing this way out of proportion. Apparently asking for him to have dinner before he comes also means that he will not be offered any drinks or snacks while there and will get no breakfast either. Olympic worthy jumping to conclusions here!

Yes, and as such it goes around in the same circles every time.

Always lots of people seemingly quite upset that not everyone shares their opinions.

“You’re unreasonable because you didn’t do what I think you should have!”

”I disagree”

”you’re a MEANIE!”

I don’t think it was hostility, more not wanting to take on more than she felt up to. Which I think is fair enough.

Not extending yourself to feed a 3rd child when you're already feeding 2 because you don't want to sit " with a random 11 year old " seems hostile to me.

Especially when the random is actually your DSS's friend. So not really 'random ' at all.