To have said I wasn't going to feed them?

[chucklechucky]

This happened last weekend but only had chance to post.

Last Saturday I ended up looking after DSS 11 by myself when DH had to work overtime. We also have a 3 year old together.

DSS had asked for a friend to sleep over which to be honest I wasn't keen on as I was by myself and could have done without another child in the house when DH wasnt there but I reluctantly agreed after a bit of guilt tripping!

I did say to DH though that if DSS's friend was staying then he would have to have tea at his own home first and come after that as I didn't want to have to feed him as well (the friend). We didn't have any pizzas to chuck in unless I dragged a 3 year old to the shop for one and what I'd planned to cook was more of a sit at the table kind of meal which I didn't want to have to do with DSS's friend, who I've never met.

Dh seemed a bit put out by this and was making comments like "you wouldn't say that if it was DC3s friend when they are older".

We ended up getting into a little bit of an argument and I basically said he either eats before he comes or he doesn't come. Dh did end up speaking to DSS who asked his friend to have tea first. Friend did so, came over, and they were fine (if not a little loud and had to be told a few times to keep it down once it was late).

Things with me and DH were tense the next day.

Was I being unreasonable? I felt I was doing DH a favour as it was, and then another on top having DSS's friend over when he wasn't there and I just cba cooking tea for another person on top of that too and having to have a sit down meal with a random 11 year old I didn't know.

I don't see how it's a big deal to just simply ask a friend to have tea before coming over. Aibu?

i can’t imagine ever being that petty. How embarrassing for your DSS. Ridiculous carry on.

I don’t think there’s any point in either of us cooking up imaginary scenario's (no pun intended).

My point exactly.

No evidence he cares. No evidence he doesn't. Read back.

Yes but my point is there is only a problem with OPs actions if she has upset the DSS.

In my original comment I said I’m not clear what her DH’s problem is and I’m still not tbh. Since OP has gone we’ll never know I suppose.

I do find these comments about how DSS will be practically traumatised because his friend couldn’t come around for tea rather OTT. Unless he’s a spoilt child this is probably not the very first time he’s been told no. I still fail to see why its such a drama.

903 comments and everyone still thinks OP gives a shit.

OP hasn’t exactly argued endlessly if she’s only made 1 reply on a thread of 900+ posts.

If the DSS is taught women who don’t run around after him are cunts then he is not going to be a terribly nice person himself.

She's replied once 😂😂

It's not the time of the sleep over. It's the attitude that's comes across that this child is not hers and doesn't want to deal with his things. I don't blame the dad questioning if she would actually this way with their daughter because it's probably based off previous actions.

She doesn’t have to run around after him. I mean if he has a good relationship with his actual parents why is he being emotionally damaged by his father’s wife not cooking his mate tea?
OP and the father are not his main carer’s after all. I’m sure his mum is happy to cook for him and his friends all day long

She doesn’t have to run around after him. I mean if he has a good relationship with his actual parents why is he being emotionally damaged by his father’s wife not cooking his mate tea?
OP and the father are not his main carer’s after all. I’m sure his mum is happy to cook for him and his friends all day long

Tbh DSS doesn't have to be " emotionally damaged " for it to be a petty thing to do.

It's irrelevant if his main carers cook for him at the drop off a hat, one doesn't cancel the other out.

" he's treated welcomingly at home, doesn't matter here ..."🙄

What's this " running around after him? "🙄

If the DSS is taught women who don’t run around after him are cunts then he is not going to be a terribly nice person himself.

oh it was teaching him a lesson ....

We’re all a bit petty sometimes. No-one’s perfect.

If OP is expected to cook for him at the drop of a hat then, no, it is not irrelevant as to whether is main carers do/are expected too.

God forbid children be told they can’t get their way at all times. What grown ass adult needs that knowledge under their belt?

God forbid children be told they can’t get their way at all times. What grown ass adult needs that knowledge under their belt?

How do you know he gets his way all the time?
You don't.

She definitely modelled a lesson though.

I thought the point of this thread was that people were angry his request to have his friend for tea was denied. If it isn’t necessary for his request to be met at all times then what is the issue?

I thought the point of this thread was that people were angry his request to have his friend for tea was denied. If it isn’t necessary for his request to be met at all times then what is the issue?

It's about making him feel welcome in his parent's home.

Maybe he felt it was fine. But from the OP there is strong strong sense that the atmosphere was hostile.

And that seems to be because OP doesn't have agency from OH. But that's another whole thread.

Because he isn’t her child, and she has no responsibility towards him equal to that of his actual father. She WAS doing him a favour looking after his child when he couldn’t. That he and others may not to recognise that, and take it for granted that she ‘should’ do that, doesn’t make it untrue.

I doubt the stepson considers her to be his mother either, and it’s quite the assumption to think he would want that. He has a mother. The relationships are different, and while some blended families may seek to emulate nuclear ones, that isn’t going to apply to all. If that was important to him it was on him not to marry a woman that didn’t share his opinion on that. He doesn’t get to demand that now.

Not that the husband seems to actually want her to treat him as her own, as that would actually mean treating her as his equal in regards to his son.

The only lesson being taught is that DSS is not important to the OP.

Still everyone said she was unreasonable and she made a long post explaining why she wasn't. Why post in the first place.

She WAS doing him a favour looking after his child when he couldn’t. That he and others may not to recognise that, and take it for granted that she ‘should’ do that, doesn’t make it untrue.

Nor does it make it true. Depends which side of the fence you sit.

I recognise that there is a small hardcore here who feels she's doing him a favour ( Dad and DSS ) but you probably get by now that many don't.

It is true though, unless of course she’s adopted him and/or legally assumed parental responsibility. He asked her to look after his child because he couldn’t, but she was absolutely free to say no. That she agreed to do it was a favour to him.

It is true though, unless of course she’s adopted him and/or legally assumed parental responsibility. m

I think we all understand it's not a ^ legal^ responsibility.

I have an 11 yo DSD and we often have her friends stay over here. Never in a million years would I not feed them! If I have to nip out to buy something extra then so what but I highly doubt you didn't have something in you could feed them if you have two kids there already... Sounds like you're just being awkward and petty for some reason. If you genuinely didn't have a single thing in (not even some pasta or something in the freezer?!) then it costs a couple of quid extra to feed another child and if you don't want to "drag a 3 year old" out then send the two kids to the shops to buy something?!

As if that’s a minor point. It isn’t.

What constitutes moral responsibility clearly varies wildly from person to person, family to family. You may consider it a moral responsibility, that doesn’t mean OP or anyone else has to agree it is one or act according to that belief.

I would hazard that most of those many are not step parents and, like most people, have absolutely no idea about the dynamics of ‘blending’ a family. So their views are irrelevant. Basically, they hate the stepmother as in their fantasy scenario she is caring for their kids after a break up.