To try and wing working with my toddler if my flexible working request is denied?

[Hellabpit]

I am in a shit situation. I earn enough to mean I have zero government support but just on the cusp of this. I don’t even get child benefit.

My ex partner recently lost his job and is extremely mentally unwell and cannot work. I am paying out almost 1600 in childcare a month, with my mortgage which is 1,100. This is on a good rate fixed for 3 more years, to rent would be even more.

I have a car on finance which is 250 a month. I need a car for work.

I am allowed to work from home once a week and I am planning on having dc at home with me on that day if my flexible working request for condensed hours is declined, I want to work 5 days over 4.5 days.

I am at breaking point. I am disillusioned with everything. I used to be so ‘by the book.’ So careful, so hard working.

I feel so resentful that I am struggling to survive on this level of pay and it seems nobody will help me. I know it’s not my employer’s job to fix my childcare but I don’t see any men in this position and I am done. Would you do this?

She made those choices when she had a partner. Now she doesn't. She won't be able to downsize because she won't get mortgage on her own either with that level of childcare costs. She is stuck. Other posters point about x2 lower income salaries getting help even though they bring in the same as OP does is right - it is unfair.

It isn't after tax etc.

I do this, not through choice but because of SEN and childcare not being suitable and it's fuuuuuucking sucks. Started when my younger one was just under 2, I had to do it with my older one because of Covid when she was about 17/18 months and that was hellish-impossible. At least my younger one naps for ages.

But I work with them more days but shorter days so I can spread my hours out and in good patches take them to playgroups or activities or something. I don't need to take many calls and my work doesn't have to be done a certain times just office hours.

And my employer knows, all my colleagues do too and I try and maintain some pretence that the kids are not here

Today I did crap at both job.

We tried really hard not to have to do this and I really dont recommend it.

I would try and not get ahead of yourself. If you’ve put together a good case then it will be approved.

Put them in a playpen and put the TV on?

I absolutely get that she made those choices when she had a working partner. I'm in the same boat; I split up with my partner recently. It's not fun to have to choose between a career and a child, or a house and a family life - but these are choices people make every day. If the OP cannot afford to continue in her career - and I hope she can - then that is that. If she can't afford to stay in her house, then she needs to find a place she can afford. Those are the realities.

I earn less than 30k, and don't get any help, or child benefit. Please, do tell me what is unfair?

I’d explore every other opportunity first:

• tax free childcare
• increase pension contributions to bring your salary down
• drop a day a week to bring your salary down
• condense hours to mean you need a day less childcare

i know the nursery years are financially crippling, many of us do but they’re not forever. Do you qualify for any of the new supported childcare fees coming in April or September this year? One of my colleagues has recently been disciplined for WFH with his young child and now we’re all under pressure to be in the office more frequently. There’s a lot of bad feeling unfortunately towards him and he’s in a lot of trouble which may impact any future job he tries to get.

Also, all those single, and working, parents on the same salary that work out of the home can’t even contemplate this. Why should you be able to work poorly because you can’t/wont pay childcare. Would you all be happy for my 2yo to be in my classroom while teaching exam classes so I don’t have to pay?

Without saying too much I do this and have done for almost two years and it works just fine. I work very hard the days I’m in the office and manage just fine the days I’m at home with my toddlers. I’m in a progressional role.

He is an ex partner and hospitalised. Can he claim ESA if in hospital? And if he can how does that help OP unless he gives her the money?

Exactly. And there’s a fair chance Op also has student loan repayments coming out of this.

I would agree though, Op, that remote working with a todder to look after at the same time won’t work. I would look at a mortgage holiday, and put that money aside to top up your monthly spending money. It will mean your mortgage payments go up a tiny amount due to the added interest, but worth it in the situation I think. Eg a 3 month mortgage holiday would give you £3,300. Thats an extra £250 a month for the next 18 months, with £300 to cover any increase in mortgage over that time due to the mortgage holiday. In 18 months time, hopefully (a) you will have had at least one pay rise; (b) you will have the free hours at nursery; (c) little one may even be at preschool part of the time; and (d) your ex will hopefully be out of hospital and able to help either financially or with Childcare. Banks are pretty good these days about allowing mortgage holidays if it helps to stop people defaulting.

I would do the math on working less days (less tax and student loan, if you pay it) before compressing hours and working with a toddler at home. I worked 3 days per week because I was only £80 odd a month better off working 4 days per week after the additional childcare.

And am I missing something, but are you only talking about saving half a day in childcare fees? I'm not sure that's worth the absolute hell wfh with a toddler will be. For me, that would mean a saving of about £120 a month?

I'd also explore going interest only on the mortgage, or even a mortgage holiday (do they still do those?)

If you are still minded to try WFH with a toddler, be upfront with your employer as to why. They might be more helpful than you think. And definitely more likely to be helpful than if they find out you've done this on the quiet. It's a disciplinary offence in a lot of organisations.

Are any of your children under 18? Are you the resident parent? If so you should definitely be able to get child benefit.

Some good suggestions on here re: reducing your wages without compromising your career, by increasing your pension contributions, to render you eligible for financial assistance. Do check the online calculators.

As I said, my ex-partner gets child benefit. We have our child 50/50. My ex is less well off than I am.

I have no idea how people work with their toddlers - I couldn’t even book a doctor’s appointment the other day without my children interrupting me about 5 times so I had to hide in a different room to try and finish the call. 🤦🏼‍♀️

@SarahAndQuack what do you suggest then? Stop paying a mortgage and claim universal credit?

i despair at the views some people take. I’m simply trying to pay for very basic things here, not complaining I can’t afford a new car

Are you claiming tax free childcare?

Could you drop some time/hours to qualify for child benefit or increase pension contributions to qualify?

Could you switch to interest only mortgage repayments for a couple of years until you get through this period?

The mortgage holiday that another poster suggested sounds like a good idea, especially until the funded hours kick in - how long do you have left until you qualify? Also might be a long shot but do you have anyone who could take you little one to a playgroup some mornings and hopefully then nap for a couple of hours? Maybe a friend who’s already taking children to a playgroup or a family friend? You could pay them if it was a short term basis. Maybe it’s a bit of a long shot?

Wish you all the best. Although many would love your salary, childcare is crippling when you’re also paying rent/mortgage and not receiving any financial or emotional support from the other parent and no financial support from the government. I live in a tiny home in SE just outside London and I also feel crippled by our mortgage and nursery costs. Counting the days for the funded childcare!

@SarahAndQuack I think you're the one trying to make this thread into "something it isn't" - perhaps it's time to start your own?

@Hellabpit have you considered an au pair? Could half that childcare bill

Based on your income and that you are a single parent family - I believe you should be eligible for free hours. The age range is changing from April so working parents can access from 9months

I work from home and my partner is stay at home dad - does that mean I don't see the toddler 9-5 nope - I end up working 9-7 to make up for interruptions. I have had to try work with her around once when my partner was sick ended up having to phone my manager for day off it was impossible. My daughter is 2.5

Unfortunately mumsnetters hate people asking if they can wfh and look after a toddler almost as much as those asking if they should leave their children to play on their own at soft play :) Ignore the nasty replies.

You know your child and you know your job. If you feel you can do it then go for it. I work in a highly pressurised and demanding industry and I suspect there are lots of parents doing the same but ultimately that's irrelevant to your situation. But don't feel bad, if you can do your job and be flexible for the next year or so then no one looses out, you do what you have to do.

Try not to worry, in your position your employer would be very unlikely to decline your request unless it had a detrimental effect on the company and given the nature of your request I think that's unlikely. You might want to even consider 4 days and taking a 20% pay-cut. You'd have to do some sums but it would allow you to claim child benefit and other possible benefits, and remember you're paying 40% tax on any earnings over £50,271, so you'd only be 'losing' half of £11k. Or pay into a pension like other posters have suggested.

Whatever you decide I wish you all the luck in the world. The days are long but the years are short. You've got this