To try and wing working with my toddler if my flexible working request is denied?

[Hellabpit]

I am in a shit situation. I earn enough to mean I have zero government support but just on the cusp of this. I don’t even get child benefit.

My ex partner recently lost his job and is extremely mentally unwell and cannot work. I am paying out almost 1600 in childcare a month, with my mortgage which is 1,100. This is on a good rate fixed for 3 more years, to rent would be even more.

I have a car on finance which is 250 a month. I need a car for work.

I am allowed to work from home once a week and I am planning on having dc at home with me on that day if my flexible working request for condensed hours is declined, I want to work 5 days over 4.5 days.

I am at breaking point. I am disillusioned with everything. I used to be so ‘by the book.’ So careful, so hard working.

I feel so resentful that I am struggling to survive on this level of pay and it seems nobody will help me. I know it’s not my employer’s job to fix my childcare but I don’t see any men in this position and I am done. Would you do this?

I'll be honest, over £60,000 is a pretty decent salary, and I'm assuming they expect quality work for that. Work that you can't do to the necessary standard whilst also babysitting a toddler at home.

You might get away with it for a day, but not as an ongoing process.

You'll be in even more debt if you lose your job.

Assuming your toddler will be at least 2 years old by 31st March, you will get 15 funded hours per term time week plus tax free childcare on the remaining balance from April.

Its not the solution op
You won't do a good enough job for your child or employer and it's just not fair to either

Take home 3750

1600
1100
250

700 for food and bills for you and toddler

Say 200 council tax , 200 gas and electric, 200 food and 100 left for petrol and birthdays

It's only a few years before toddler is in school

It's manageable

Working with a toddler isn't

Is that your full salary? Or is that minus pension payments?

People really don't understand. On £61300 you take home £3779 (this is assuming you make no pension contributions or pay into any tax efficient savings schemes.)
Subtracting 1600 childcare, 1100 mortgage and £250 car leaves £829 a month. You are presumably paying into a work pension to get matching contributions so realistically it's more like £750 a month for insurance, heating, council tax, food, petrol etc.

You get no gov help, nothing from ex and no support. To all these people saying it's a good salary it is - but people earning less get so much more. a couple both on £30k would get child benefit etc, as well as potentially having more childcare options.

i really don't think a lot of people realise how broken things are. .

Don't throw women under the bus by doing this. We already face enough unwarranted prejudice from employers without giving them warranted bias.

Depends on your works attitude - seems people on here do it because it was ok in covid - but it’s not fair on the child or the employer. Someone I know got a loan over 10yrs to cover nursery as they had 2 close in age. Meant they had to live in a flat and delay moving to a house but that’s the way it goes with childcare. I guess it depends how your company and colleague and customers would view it

House and car insurance- very expensive atm.
Mobile phone (yes it is necessary)
Clothes and shoes
£200 heating is almost impossible.
Council tax

No I think it would be too hard and potentially risky as the toddler could be up to anything

From an employer's point of view this would only be acceptable if you were upfront about the arrangement and you have the kind of work where you can usefully catch up in the evenings/nap time, ie not time sensitive.

Also make sure you explain the reasoning, be explicit about your caring responsibilities to your dh as well as dc. If the arrangement was time limited, maybe for a few months while your dh recovers or you make other childcare arrangements, that would be seen more favourably.

And yes perhaps the solution is you do a few hours during the day, and catch up on evenings or weekend.

It's manageable - there are many in a worse situation ( I did include council tax already and the insurances are spread out yearly not monthly )

Have you tried to Move onto an interest only mortgage until the child is at school

I had a period of several months where my gross was about £3k below yours but i was entitled to about £430 a month Universal Credit due to childcare costs. Id look into this option before trying to look after toddler while working.

Unless your employer is explicitly comfortable with it, you would be doing a poor job at work which will eventually catch up with you.

@midgetastic £100 for fuel. I spend almost that a week 😳

I agree it depends on the job and flexibility. We did it and it was ok, but there were not many phone calls involved and my partner has a very relaxed job that allowed him the freedom to go to the park and make up time later. I also ensured a bulk supply of magic sand ( my oldest was three and the youngest was sensible and close to three so could join in. This actually entertained them for over 30 minutes an activity at a time and so allowed my partner to fit in some work that way too . .He basically had a quota of what needed to be done and so once he reached this his manager didn’t mind too much at all. Appreciate it is not like this for everyone and we are blessed he wasn’t obliged to stick to set hours and allowed make up for lost time. I think though, if you don’t have a ton of leeway it would be very stressful for you. Now we have one child in free hours it’s a lot easier and I’m also on maternity leave so I do all the minding now. I think in your situation you have to do what you have to do to survive. You must be so stressed out op, you will find a way around it hopefully. And things will not always be this tough.

OP, the opinion of strangers don't matter. Only your employer. And your willingness to risk your job and the safety of your toddler.
We don't know what your job's like. After years of working both public and private and being 'by the book' some people are great at taking the piss. Doing very little work, taking all the credit. Or, some jobs, due to over-recruitment and inefficiency ... just don't have much to do.
Only you know what you can get away with. We don't.
You're taking the risks, you make the decision,

Personally I don't think it's an employee's fault if they have too little work. It's on the company for paying top whack and then underutilising resources. If your distraction is noticeable you run the risk of losing your job and well that wouldn't be great either.

In many workplaces you would be disciplined for this if caught.
Can you leave your kid with a local teenager/student who may be cheaper than nursery? Childminder?

How long until you find out about the condensed hours request? If you do get this, I'm not clear how it helps with childcare costs as you'd still need childcare for 4.5 days- or are you thinking of 3.5 child care and 1 at home with you when you are WFH?

I think that's too risky- you are sole breadwinner, and if it doesn't work out, you'll risk losing your job. Also- it's insanely stressful working with a toddler.

How about swapping board for a couple of days childcare per week? Or just straight renting out a room? If you have 2 bedrooms, put toddler in with you- it's short term plan. Could you Airbnb your place one / two weekends per month and go stay with a relative? Move your mortgage to interest only?

And no its not fair. And nope you are right, you don't see too many men in the same situation. It sucks. But you will get through it.

I had an employee try this and it was a nightmare. I knew she had insufficient childcare and had a toddler at home at least one day a week. It was obvious.

However she denied and denied and denied it. I offered her all sorts to try and make it work and she refused to acknowledge it was an issue. It was bizarre.

In the end I took her down a capability route and she quit. The whole thing could have been avoided if she had been honest and spoke to me about it. I’d have worked with her to try and find a solution.

I feel for you OP. It sounds really stressful.

I am on 62k, and I get 3500k post-pension.
In the case of OP, I would consider taking out an additional mortgage maybe 10-20k to cover the expensive childcare years or until the partner gets better and can look after the toddler. Those hard years will pass quickly.

Could you go interest only on the mortgage?
claim PIP for your partner?
local Uni student babysitter? Could be a mature student/PhD etc and have flexibility in weekdays?
how about taking out a loan to cover nursery?

theres no way you can work at home with a toddler. It isn’t safe and risks your toddlers safety and your health. It isn’t good for their development and your stress levels would be sky high. You need to keep yourself well as you are the sole parent at the moment.

I agree that things are broken. But it is not helpful to make this into a competition.

You post as if the OP's childcare and mortgage costs are mandatory - they are not. Many people have to make difficult decisions about what they can afford, based on their income.

People earning less do not necessarily get more. I earn less than 30k; I share custody of my DD equally with my ex. My ex has child benefit, though we do our best to share costs when needed. Neither of us have government help beyond child benefit.

I don't think you realise that if things are broken for those doing well, they are broken for all of us.

Providing you were a decent employee and I trusted you, I’d try and find a way to help you manage. 5 days over 4…. Time made up at evenings or a morning. Be honest with your employer and hopefully they’ll help. The laws re flexible working requests change in April too, so look into that.