To have been told off by HR for this?

[Mhassy]

I asked a member of the HR team if they had children, in the context of discussing a flexible working request. This was in the small talk/intro part of the conversation, it wasn’t said to make a point or anything, or to bolster my request for flexible working. It was literally a polite back and forth before the actual meeting began, she asked how things were going with DD, I mentioned some new teething and it was all very chatty and I just asked - I thought politely! - if she had children. She told me she didn’t and the time had passed for her to now. We then moved onto the meeting itself.

Anyway, a day later I have a called from someone high up in HR to say I shouldn’t ask people if they have children and this is not an appropriate question in the workplace.

I do get that pregnancy etc can be a sensitive topic. I lost a baby a few years ago and it was and incredibly painful time at work and I felt triggered by any small talk about babies. However I would never have made an issue and I didn’t make an issue when the topic was raised.

AIBU to think this is a step too far to be policing this sort of conversation? I am recently a single parent and wouldn’t launch into being offended if I was asked if I had a partner? Where does it end? I was only making conversation!

Wasn’t given a warning or anything but it was a stern conversation like I should have known

Ever workplace is different.

You now know that your workplace is not somewhere to do small talk.

That does seem heavy handed. I would never ever ask anyone WHY they don't have children as that is nosy and insensitive, but asking if they do in a chatty conversation that already includes discussing a child seems fine to me.

I think it was probably a very sore point for the other person. You couldn't possibly have known but maybe she was upset after the meeting and this was an attempt to stop it happening again. I wouldn't overthink it.

Sadly, it made the person you were talking to unhappy enough to complain. Maybe she didn't like having to say she hadn't got DC, that it was too late. It seems a reasonable enough question to me, but who knows what had happened to her, maybe she sees work as a place to get away from her sadnesses.
You can only apologise for unintentionally upsetting her, and move on.

It's not a question I'd ask someone in any context tbh as it might be uncomfortable for any number of reasons. I find that if I'm chatting away about my own DC, other parents tend to join in by talking about their own. If the other person doesn't mention having children when they're the direct topic of conversation then I'd assume they don't have them.

Very OTT. Yes it can be a sensitive subject for some, but it sounds like you asked during a conversation where it was in context, and you didn’t follow up with nosey questions.

They're basically saying no-one should ask any questions about anyone’s personal life under any circumstances lest it cause upset.

By the same token why is she asking about your personal life then?? Batshit. People are offended by the strangest things

Professionally I never ask anyone their family set up. If they offer the information then fine. We never know what that person has been through. Having or not having children doesn't limit a persons ability to make a resource decision.

Massively OTT reaction. That being said I don't think I've ever asked someone that question.

What did she ask you?

This is a good point OP however your colleague was the one to start the small talk about family life so I still think in your situation you did nothing wrong

But she asked you about your child bearing capacity outside of the meeting? Don't ask questions in small talk that you'd be uncomfortable answering yourself.
Someone in my workplace has a certain pet that I strongly disapprove of her keeping in her circumstances therefore I don't discuss with her and I absent myself from any conversation about it. I wouldn't ask her how 'Fluffy' is and then report her for answering me!

Presumably because having small children/childcare etc is the reason why the OP was in a meeting to request flexible working.

That she has children was pertinent to the meeting.
That the person she was having the meeting with didn't have children is irrelevant to it.

@Mhassy what signal was given to show that the "small talk" had finished and the actual meeting had started?

Where did she ask her anything of the sort? She asked her how things were with the small child the OP has. Not if she is fertile.

And the pet analogy is ridiculous. Presumably your colleague doesn't ask for a meeting with you to ask for Flexi hours because of Fluffy.

I’d appreciate an HR like that tbh. They’re right - it is sensitive and I wish people would stop asking me. One day I was asked twice plus a loser mid aged man stating ‘tick tock’ when I said no.

Going to HR was the adult equivalent of running to a parent to say “ Muuuuuuuuum….”.

Grown ups are supposed to learn to use their words.

@BlindurErBóklausMaður

Where did she ask her anything of the sort? She asked her how things were with the small child the OP has. Not if she is fertile

One would think a semi smart person who didn't want to talk about dc wouldn't ask about kids.

The OP didn't ask if the person was fertile.

Do you think the context of the flexible working request was key here? Perhaps if it had been sitting side by side at the Christmas party the question would just have been one they found slightly intrusive or upsetting for whatever reason, but in the context of you saying you need/want flexible working, presumably for family reasons, was the question taken to imply that the request was something only a person with children could/would understand?

I agree. Childless women don't usually register on HR's radar as deserving of any consideration in the workplace.

It was probably both a little heavy handed by the Sr HR person and a good reminder to you to be sensitive to questions.

So I’m squarely in the middle on this one. I’ll probably piss off both sides by saying this but I think sometime parents can be a little oblivious to cues and childless (for whatever reason) can be over sensitive.

Next time I’d look for clues such as the other person not replying with similar experiences and probably lack of of kid related decorations (photos or drawings) and if she were here I’d tell her that a friendly question in a chat (not an interrogation-like question) is normal and not the asker’s way of prying.

If people have kids, they will tell you. Always. Trust me. 😂

I can understand why they felt it was a bit odd that you asked, assuming your flexible working request is related to parenting. Especially if the person is childless rather than childfree, sounds like you hit a nerve.

Given the context of the meeting you were about to have - flex working because you have kids - of course HR are being ridiculous!! She was making conversation about your kids and politely you were too. I honestly think some people in HR think they are the gatekeepers of feelings and so full of double standards!

I know she didn't.
The poster I was quoting said that the HR person asked the OP about her "child bearing capacity".
The OP never said that.

Out of interest, how do you suggest an HR person holding a meeting to discuss a flexible working request due to having small children do that without mentioning the children?