To have been told off by HR for this?

[Mhassy]

I asked a member of the HR team if they had children, in the context of discussing a flexible working request. This was in the small talk/intro part of the conversation, it wasn’t said to make a point or anything, or to bolster my request for flexible working. It was literally a polite back and forth before the actual meeting began, she asked how things were going with DD, I mentioned some new teething and it was all very chatty and I just asked - I thought politely! - if she had children. She told me she didn’t and the time had passed for her to now. We then moved onto the meeting itself.

Anyway, a day later I have a called from someone high up in HR to say I shouldn’t ask people if they have children and this is not an appropriate question in the workplace.

I do get that pregnancy etc can be a sensitive topic. I lost a baby a few years ago and it was and incredibly painful time at work and I felt triggered by any small talk about babies. However I would never have made an issue and I didn’t make an issue when the topic was raised.

AIBU to think this is a step too far to be policing this sort of conversation? I am recently a single parent and wouldn’t launch into being offended if I was asked if I had a partner? Where does it end? I was only making conversation!

No need to ask details about the children, surely it's more about childcare arrangements than the children themselves?

I’m sorry but that’s bonkers. You don’t get to complain unless someone has actually done something wrong. Work is the last place you should be acting out on your issues 😵‍💫
Someone asked me if I’m doing anything tonight (Valentines Day) has to say no as single. Should I report them to HR? 😆

I mean I’d complain about “tick tok” man mentioned by a pp because he was being a sexist dick but someone just asking if I had kids, no (and I don’t).

We seem to be losing the art of conversation

If the person asked after DD it seems only polite to ask if someone has children - these days most people even clock that if someone said they were single or gay that does not exclude them from being a parent ( I am aware this was not in the OP I am merely pointing out how conversations can go)
If it hit a nerve - it was not said with malice and if the person making the workplace arrangements for a parent is so sensitive about the subject perhaps someone else should have taken the meeting.

People mention all sorts of things - sport, place of birth - it’s usual for people to ask questions and bat the question back. Or we all become ignorant and detached from our fellow human beings

I think the HR person was a bit precious about running to complain. She should have had the balls and the nous to refute the question. All she needed to say was, "no, I don't" and leave it at that.

The OP doesn't care that time has run out for her. That was irrelevant and unprofessional.

You were there for a work related meeting with HR. Most meetings might start with some small talk, but it is best to stick to the weather or last nights TV, not asking whether somebody had had children. I am glad that you were pulled up on this and hope you learn from it.

I've worked in HR 20 years and think this is ludicrous

You didn't do anything wrong! People ask me during conversations if I have kids all the time. I just say no and move on. How ridiculously fragile would you need to be, to report someone for some small talk.

Did you bring up your child first? Or did this person bring your child up?

I think, as you were having a meeting about flexible working because of childcare, the HR person might have construed the question as having an edge. Like, "how would you understand without children" sort of thing.

Also, I personally don't ask anyone about their personal lives. Life doesn't seem to be as straighforward as it once was, with blended families, men not wanting to commit, women choosing to be child free etc, etc. It's just not worth running the risk of offence or embarrassment.

HR are not your friend. Keep it professional. Lesson learnt.

You absolutely do not ask. It could cause so much upset.

Well you shouldn't have been asked about your DD.

Cheeky fuckers.

I would word this like “I’m not sure if you have children, but this is the issue for me”. That way you are not outwardly asking.

Picklestop · Today 17:46

You were there for a work related meeting with HR. Most meetings might start with some small talk, but it is best to stick to the weather or last nights TV, not asking whether somebody had had children. I am glad that you were pulled up on this and hope you learn from it.

I think it's petty and pathetic and says more about the ineptitude of the HR person, who should have been professional enough to deflect.

You get a helluva lot worse said to you than that if you work in HR!!!

I work in HR and can safely say that every HR Manager I’ve worked with would gently have told the offended party that OP was making conversation in the context of their conversation, and didn’t do anything wrong.

You don’t have to be best pals with your work mates, but most of us spend so many of our waking hours with our colleagues that it doesn’t serve anyone to be tip-toeing round each other.

Put yourself in the shoes of the senior HR person for a minute.

They have a staff member who complained for whatever reason. I suspect it's a sensitive topic and it may just have hit a nerve at a difficult time.

HR didn't warn you or discipline you, they mentioned it because they really don't want to deal with it again.

It's done. There's no negative impact on you. The upset lady isn't upset again. HR have covered it of. No downside to anyone.

Incidentally, I hate the question because I hate the answer & can't answer it the way I want to because it's unfair to the person asking. However, my personal issues should be anyone else's issues and there's not a chance in hell I would go to HR about it.

I wouldn't ask someone that.
I think it can be sensitive for a lot of people and a LOT of women who are childless struggle with family and society thinking their worth is wrapped up in being a mother.

Wait for people to offer information and talk about what they DO tell you.

It's HR OP. Their entire job runs on things like this.
You did nothing wrong.
It's so easy to deflect and shut the topic down if she wasn't interested.

keirakilaney67 · Today 18:24

It's HR OP. Their entire job runs on things like this.
You did nothing wrong.
It's so easy to deflect and shut the topic down if she wasn't interested.

Nonsense, "their entire job" does not. Maybe you should give it a try if you think it's so mundane?

I've worked my whole career in HR and I wouldn't have time for that crap.

Would you have asked the question if it had been a male HR rep?

YANBU. And tbh next time anyone from HR asked any personal questions I would simply reply I am sorry I am not answering any personal questions, or entering into any chit chat ahead of any meeting as I was told off last time. As a HR person I would expect you to realise chit chat before a meeting is inappropriate

bloom19 · Today 18:27

Would you have asked the question if it had been a male HR rep?

Well obviously the OP needs to answer that but I can't see why not?

I never ask anyone if they have children even when discussing my children with them - it is a sensitive subject for many.

I wait until they volunteer this information to me.

The reason is because I am an older mother, I had my children at 33, 35 and 36.

When I got to my early thirties, people starting to ask me if I wanted children.

When I said yes many of them gave me a "friendly" reminder not to leave it until it's too late (as if I didn't know that myself, my biologial clock was racing back then).

I always felt like their remarks were rude/offensive/hurtful and they were crossing a line.

What would you have said if the answer was "yes, I have one son who died 8 months ago"

What happened in the meeting and is it possible that your question about her having children could have looked like a set up for something you then said in the meeting?