To have been told off by HR for this?

[Mhassy]

I asked a member of the HR team if they had children, in the context of discussing a flexible working request. This was in the small talk/intro part of the conversation, it wasn’t said to make a point or anything, or to bolster my request for flexible working. It was literally a polite back and forth before the actual meeting began, she asked how things were going with DD, I mentioned some new teething and it was all very chatty and I just asked - I thought politely! - if she had children. She told me she didn’t and the time had passed for her to now. We then moved onto the meeting itself.

Anyway, a day later I have a called from someone high up in HR to say I shouldn’t ask people if they have children and this is not an appropriate question in the workplace.

I do get that pregnancy etc can be a sensitive topic. I lost a baby a few years ago and it was and incredibly painful time at work and I felt triggered by any small talk about babies. However I would never have made an issue and I didn’t make an issue when the topic was raised.

AIBU to think this is a step too far to be policing this sort of conversation? I am recently a single parent and wouldn’t launch into being offended if I was asked if I had a partner? Where does it end? I was only making conversation!

The HR person asked the question.
An intrusive, personal question about someone else's family you keep assuring us is beyond the pale 🤷🏻‍♀️
How op chose to answer it is not the bloody issue here!
You're not actually fooling anyone with your claims that it only came across as intrusive and personal (by your own measure, of course, most of us think it's perfectly fine) because op answered it wrong 😂

You're not making any sense. I said asking how someone is isn't very often explicitly asking how someone is, most adults understand that 🤦🏻‍♀️its a filler question, suitable for chitchat. Sounds like you don't have very good social skills and can't pick up on the context of a conversation if you take everything so literally. Sounds like you and OP have much in common 😁

Thank you. I skipped over that posters idiotic comment because they proved my point. Twice.

once by saying they don’t care about Mother’s Day (which is weird comment as I don’t ask for opinions) but also, I wouldn’t dream of running to MN complaining someone hurt my feeling by saying Mother’s Day is bullshit after I said why I found it painful. It would be ridiculous to do so.

whats upsetting for one person isn’t for many others. And we can stop all conversations because someone might, feel upset by it.

But thank you for your kindness. This is my third. The kids are older and like to make a fuss of me. So I try for them. But it’s not the same. She loved it.

Actually, while hallmark do make a big thing of Mother’s Day. Mothering Sunday is a very old tradition.

Why is it odd? Lots of people celebrate wether you thinks it’s beneath you or not. Just like people do things for Easter. Even people who aren’t religious.

No one needs Mother’s Day to feel sad. No one said that. The fact that Mother’s Day is a difficult time doesn’t mean other times aren’t difficult in addition.

Holy Jesus! You're past belief, really. Bless.

@Noideawwhatsoccuring But thank you for your kindness. This is my third. The kids are older and like to make a fuss of me. So I try for them. But it’s not the same. She loved it.

My 18th is upcoming. I still skirt the Mother's Day displays in shops and my mum wasn't bothered about it!

I can also say that I suffered from years of infertility, and later had 2 miscarriages after 2 children. I was asked plenty of times if I had children - and I was married for many years before I did. I also had to endure a situation when a man in a powerful position ambushed me at a work event, who had known me as a child, asked me if I had children yet. He went on to say I mustn't be having sex right and if I was having sex with him, I'd soon be pregnant. I should have complained but this man was well known for being predatory and complaints were not entertained.

So pardon me if I am not very sympathetic to HR person!! We all have to cope with difficulties in life. We develop strategies to deal with it. Where the fuck has resilience gone??? Is everyone to go around being perpetually offended by everything?

It's actually bloody ridiculous.

HR bod didn't ask how the OP "how are you?"; she asked "how are things going with [OP's] DD?"

Don't beg the question to suit your argument. It suggests that you're staying to get an inkling that your position is indefensible but are unwilling to climb down.

If that's not a personal question, but is simply showing basic politeness, so is, "do you have children?" in response to being asked questions about one's own children.

Bet you £20 the OP is also really not the slightest bit interested in whether the HR woman actually has children or not (let alone invested in probing about the answer). It's a bloody ritualistic reciprocal question exchange.

Jesus wept.

It’s weird isn’t it. The impact things can have when you lose a parent.

I am also so sorry you went through all that including the sleaze that you came across.

I agree. Just because someone is upset or offended it doesn’t mean anyone did anything wrong. Often the right thing to do is to sit with your feelings for a short period and move on.

@Blablah1234 You are pretty rude for someone trying to browbeat other posters over social etiquette... the irony!

No bless you darling, you'll get there!😁

I'll assume the deleted post of @Blablah1234 was directed at me. Must have been quite something to be deleted by Mumsnet but I'm sure I could have coped!

I struggle with small talk and would often ask these types of questions to try and find some common ground…..I would never want to upset someone but jeez, really?? I’ve said it before on this thread but I’ll say it again - the world has gone mad.