Comments from SIL about daughter’s school

BellamellaB · 2024-02-14T12:20:57+00:00

My daughter is in year 6 in a private school where they offer part time boarding so once or twice a week she boards (her choice - she loves it). My dh is close with his brother so we spend quite a lot of time with him and his wife (SIL). They have a daughter a year younger than our daughter. Always got on super well with SIL but as our daughters have started getting older I’m feeling some animosity from her. All centred around my daughter’s school. I could take the odd dig here and there but now my daughter has said about a few remarks that were made to her by SIL and cousin at a sleepover last weekend. School referred to as ‘snobby school’ by SIL. Cousin said children only board at school if their parents don’t want them! And a couple of other things. It does feel like it’s escalating. The cousins are close and I don’t want this to come between them. Not quite sure how to handle it. Any experience of this kind of thing? Thank you for reading :)

PollyPeep · 14/02/2024 12:24

She's jealous that you can afford private school. This might not change unfortunately.

Cathbrownlow · 14/02/2024 12:25

Sounds like SIL is jealous and is encouraging her daughter to be negative towards your daughter. You can either challenge her which will probably lead to her denying it and a falling out, or you could ignore it and smile sweetly and she will continue to make digs. I think you're going to have to back off from SIL and BIL a bit, although I suppose your DH will have something to say about that.

There isn't an easy answer, but it is of your SIL's doing. I wouldn't be able to put up with jealous digs for very long, I think.

Coldupnorth7 · 14/02/2024 12:26

This is your DH's problem to deal with. Give your DD some stock phrases and reassure her but get your DH to tackle it with his bro.

Herdinggoats · 14/02/2024 12:26

I think you just need to address it directly and say something along the lines of “I know everyone has their own opinions on education, but would you mind being a little more careful around the comments you make in front of your child around what we have picked for our daughter. She is getting on very well at her school and we don’t want anything knocking her confidence.” A shot across her bows might make her rethink- if it doesn’t I would be questioning unsupervised visits for a while.

MarnieMarnie · 14/02/2024 12:28

I'd be distancing myself and DD and expecting DH to tackle it head on with his brother.

Original poster

BellamellaB · 14/02/2024 12:40

Dh will have to address it. The comments are always said out of earshot of his brother so he may deny it

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TheSnowyOwl · 14/02/2024 12:44

I wonder if your niece has asked why she can’t go to such a lovely school and your SIL has felt defensive and projected her own failure to provide similar in her responses.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 14/02/2024 12:45

Equally, they are comments she will have to deal with in life. She’s 11 and at boarding schools. Regardless of how much she loves it, it’s not an uncontroversial choice…

so yes, she needs to make her comments not in ear shot of your daughter. You and your daughter also need to decide how to respond when people, regardless of how you know them, comment on that.

butterandmilk · 14/02/2024 12:46

your SIL is jealous, just ignore her.

MILTOBE · 14/02/2024 12:47

We had a similar situation. My neighbours paid for their children to go to a private junior school in the hope they'd get into the grammar. Their children told mine that parents who care about their children will pay for their education.

(Mine got into the grammar on the first attempt. Theirs got in on appeal.)

LolaSmiles · 14/02/2024 12:48

SIL needs to stop having those sorts of conversations around her daughter because she's stirring the pot via the children.

Common sense says that whatever you think of someone else's choices, that's a discussion for adults and one to be had away from the children. In front of the children all that's needed is a simple "everyone makes the decisions they feel are right for their family" sort of response.

Original poster

BellamellaB · 14/02/2024 12:50

MILTOBE · 14/02/2024 12:47

We had a similar situation. My neighbours paid for their children to go to a private junior school in the hope they'd get into the grammar. Their children told mine that parents who care about their children will pay for their education.

(Mine got into the grammar on the first attempt. Theirs got in on appeal.)

What a thing to say!

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Createausername1970 · 14/02/2024 12:54

Reassure your DD that what she is doing is not "snobby" and its a perfectly OK choice and she shouldn't be put off from boarding a few times a week if she wants to.

However, do check that your DD isn't causing some of the friction by saying things like "oh, don't you learn flute at your school? We do" or "Oh, don't you have lobster for lunch at school? We do" If she likes her school its possible she has talked about it to her cousin and it could have come across wrong. Just make sure you DD knows she is lucky to be in the school she is, and not everyone else is, so avoid talking about it to her cousin if she can.

Safxxx · 14/02/2024 12:57

She's envious of you and your daughter...maybe you should have a private chat with her, tell her how it's effecting your daughter about what she's saying to her. It's a shame as jealousy usually comes from close ones more. Don't over share your daughters success to them...make out it's nothing...from experience I know how others take it as boastful. Fake it til you make it attitude will do you and your daughter good 😊

itsgettingweird · 14/02/2024 13:01

Teach your DD is reply politely.

Something like "it's not snobby. It's just a school. People choose different schools and your DD could go there if she wanted."

And

"I like boarding. It's just a sleepover with mates where they live. Same as we do".

I think it would be harder to keep the comments and dogs going directly towards a 10/11yo rather than just repeating what's heard or making indirect digs.

Corgiowner · 14/02/2024 13:10

Both my children boarded you need to develop a think skin many people are not shy about voicing their opinions despite knowing absolutely nothing about boarding in the 21st century. I have over the years listened to many people telling me what an awful person how I feel obviously didn’t love my children including on here I posted under another name and how my children will grow into seriously dysfunctional adults who will have no relationship with me and who will have no empathy or understand normal people. Ironically it is the complete opposite, now friends whose own children are a similar age are slightly jealous of the relationship I have with my two DCs both are normal well adjusted adults one works with the most vulnerable in society and has been praised by his boss for being caring and emphatic.
I think some of it was jealousy some of it is an innate dislike of people who do something differently to the majority.
My advise just let it wash over you.

Corgiowner · 14/02/2024 13:10

Thick skin not think!!

Original poster

BellamellaB · 14/02/2024 13:13

Safxxx · 14/02/2024 12:57

She's envious of you and your daughter...maybe you should have a private chat with her, tell her how it's effecting your daughter about what she's saying to her. It's a shame as jealousy usually comes from close ones more. Don't over share your daughters success to them...make out it's nothing...from experience I know how others take it as boastful. Fake it til you make it attitude will do you and your daughter good 😊

I am thinking of having a chat. But I think she will say she’s just joking 🙃
It has got to the point where we never mention anything about the school in case it comes across wrong. Which is a shame.

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HoHoHoliday · 14/02/2024 13:16

It's clearly coming from a position of insecurity and/or jealousy, so you should feel sorry for her in that respect, but it doesn't make it ok. If you're going to continue to be close with them and have the girls remain close then you will need to bring it up. It doesn't need to be said in a confrontational manner, but more in a surprised tone perhaps? "Daughter seems to think you called her school snobby, what was that conversation?" Or "Daughter thinks you said staying over at school means we don't want her but that's obviously not true, please can you be careful with how you talk about her school in future."
I actually think your school arrangement sounds amazing. Staying over away from your home will give your daughter a real sense of independence and autonomy, and the fact that it only happens when she chooses will also bring true self-confidence. She will grow up to be a very secure and responsible girl!

Original poster

BellamellaB · 14/02/2024 13:19

Corgiowner · 14/02/2024 13:10

Both my children boarded you need to develop a think skin many people are not shy about voicing their opinions despite knowing absolutely nothing about boarding in the 21st century. I have over the years listened to many people telling me what an awful person how I feel obviously didn’t love my children including on here I posted under another name and how my children will grow into seriously dysfunctional adults who will have no relationship with me and who will have no empathy or understand normal people. Ironically it is the complete opposite, now friends whose own children are a similar age are slightly jealous of the relationship I have with my two DCs both are normal well adjusted adults one works with the most vulnerable in society and has been praised by his boss for being caring and emphatic.
I think some of it was jealousy some of it is an innate dislike of people who do something differently to the majority.
My advise just let it wash over you.

Of all the things I thought about when sending her to that’s school, naively I didn’t think it would be other peoples snidey comments that would be the most difficult.
Especially family members!

But you’re right - thicker skin needed. Such a shame though that she feels the need to aim her jealousy towards a 10 year old! Her niece no less!

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MILTOBE · 14/02/2024 13:21

I think it would be great if schools had somewhere that children could stay overnight if the parents needed that or if the children wanted to be with their friends. I would have been all over that as a child! I could see my children preferring that to having a babysitter and I would've felt safer with that than leaving them on their own when they were older, too.

BathTangle · 14/02/2024 13:26

MILTOBE · 14/02/2024 13:21

I think it would be great if schools had somewhere that children could stay overnight if the parents needed that or if the children wanted to be with their friends. I would have been all over that as a child! I could see my children preferring that to having a babysitter and I would've felt safer with that than leaving them on their own when they were older, too.

This is a really interesting take on it. Does your SIL ever leave her daughter with a babysitter? Or send her on sleepovers? How is your daughter staying in a familiar environment with her mates and trusted adults (all DBS checked and first aid trained) different or worse?

Blathermoa · 14/02/2024 13:29

I wouldn't assume she's jealous, because there are plenty of people who have perfectly good ideological objections to private school that have nothing to do with jealousy. It's not a helpful assumption.

Of course, this doesn't mean mean comments should be made to your DD.

Original poster

BellamellaB · 14/02/2024 13:30

BathTangle · 14/02/2024 13:26

This is a really interesting take on it. Does your SIL ever leave her daughter with a babysitter? Or send her on sleepovers? How is your daughter staying in a familiar environment with her mates and trusted adults (all DBS checked and first aid trained) different or worse?

Show quote history

My niece stays with us and has sleepovers
with friends.
It is very similar. Maybe my daughter could suggest that.

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Iloveacurry · 14/02/2024 13:32

is your DH aware of what SIL and her cousin said to your daughter? He definitely needs to speak to his brother about this. I think if you speak to SIL about it she might play it down or say she’s joking.