Comments from SIL about daughter’s school

[BellamellaB]

My daughter is in year 6 in a private school where they offer part time boarding so once or twice a week she boards (her choice - she loves it).
My dh is close with his brother so we spend quite a lot of time with him and his wife (SIL).
They have a daughter a year younger than our daughter.
Always got on super well with SIL but as our daughters have started getting older I’m feeling some animosity from her. All centred around my daughter’s school.
I could take the odd dig here and there but now my daughter has said about a few remarks that were made to her by SIL and cousin at a sleepover last weekend.
School referred to as ‘snobby school’
by SIL.
Cousin said children only board at school
if their parents don’t want them!
And a couple of other things.

It does feel like it’s escalating.
The cousins are close and I don’t want this to come between them.
Not quite sure how to handle it.

Any experience of this kind of thing?

Thank you for reading :)

Both things can still be true ie. They're not mutually exclusive - jealousy and snobbery. Everyone is different on their views.

I have a colleague who has enough money and connections to send her DC to any school in the country she chooses to. She's chosen the local state school because she's ideologically opposed to the private system. She spends most of her time working on equality projects and outreach programmes. Of course her DC are still privileged, they benefit from having wealthy, educated parents in plenty of other ways. But you have to know that some people genuinely don't think private school is a good thing?

I don't think it is necessarily the old MN go-to of jealousy!
I would not send my dc to a private school because they tend to produce an arrogance in their students that most people find unpalatable.I suspect her cousin is picking up on this.Ditto the boarding for primary age children.Fundamentally wrong,imo.

I would say they’re a very good comparison having experienced all of them.

Modern day boarding is very nurturing. Very similar to a sleepover with friends. Activities in the evening, lovely dinner, a movie.
Its actually a real treat for my daughter to do it once or twice a week.

Not that you're generalising or anything.

Not saying it's true I your case but I've actually come across "snobby" behaviour from those at private schools.

We gave dd's 12 year old two friends a lift back from an activity and they both spent the whole 45 min journey boasting about how amazing their private school is, what activities they do, what prizes they have won etc. It was pretty extreme and unpleasant. We had to tell dd that some people are snobby and like to boast as she was really upset.

I also had a work colleague mention his minor public school in conversation and ask me if I had heard of it!

I like this response because it really takes all the sting and judgement out of the comments and digs (which are extremely ignorant and prejudiced by the way, in the same way it would be in reverse, if you were sneering and disparaging your SILs education choices). It means you take all the power to hurt out of the comments and make it all seem a bit silly. Which it is! SIL must be very immature and jealous to be saying all this and trying to undermine a child and their experience of the world.

@Bornonsunday I would see that as a description of the school and not being a snob in my book. They were 12 years old. Maybe they thought you were interested? Sometimes children do this and don’t read the room! I would give them a break.

I have seen the most snobby people at our local grammar. They really do think their dc and them are pretty special! They look down on the ones who go private because they didn’t have the brains to get to the grammar! We swerved them by DD boarding where most people were far less pushy! And yes, DD did pass the 11 plus.

As I posted on another thread, I would just like to ask those are so vitriolic about it (for the variety of horrible reasons laid out) if they could please lay out the opportunities for that type of education with your teenage kids?

Maybe go home from work tonight and explain it as even handedly as you can and see their reaction? Or would you just not, just in case they saw it as an opportunity to get some real independence, whilst knowing that they had you at home forever and always but that you were just helping them live their life and find their feet?

The one person on that other thread (yes only one after all that vitriol and guff) who took up that gauntlet then admitted that actually come the age of 13 - 14 she would offer it if she could afford it. Having told that everyone previously that it was basically social care for rich kids. So her view was exposed as bullshit on the basis of jealousy.

Come on people, go ask your kids the question. Cos I would be genuinely interested in their reactions.

@IgglePiggledidawiggle I did ask! Both DDs were enthusiastic. They had a very strong view about being with friends and no buses in the morning! Lots of things to do and clubs to go to. So they very much welcomed the space to be themselves. We don’t stop being parents or taking care of dc. We just don’t have homework angst or room tidy up dramas all the time!

@TizerorFizz yes exactly. My whole point. All mine go. Love it. Have different strengths and so all have a different school experience but one that is suited to them. Then when they come home we have massive amounts of family time which is precious whilst many of those that pour scorn on boarding schools often inhabit the ‘when is the school holiday ending’ threads.

This is a crazy response! I honestly don't know anyone who would want to send their DC to boarding school, I find it fascinating that this is perceived as jealousy. I would find it very hard to understand a family member choosing to do this.

@FUPAgirl why don’t you ask your children in an even handed manner what they think of it as an option for education as opposed to making the judgement on their behalf? Tonight, (or today if you are on half term) lay out all the positives (and negatives) of boarding versus where they are now. Obviously taking out anything to do with financials so they think it’s a real option. I would be genuinely interested in their response.

Well in this case we know, because OP has told us, that the cousins parents DO want their DD to go to this school (not as a boarder) but can't afford it.

Agree@Kattenburg we live in a democracy which gives us all the right to make choices on how we spend our money. Yet people do feel they have to criticise this one financial choice when I have never heard private parents criticise the state system in the way those do with the private.

No millstones here either my kids are all very independent and friends who teach at University have commented private work far more independently whereas in recent years the majority of state kids need to be spoon fed all the way through.

However, It’s important to note all people are different and generalising is discrimination.

I would never compare kids education when employing someone.

@FUPAgirl
All three of mine begged to board because they felt they were missing out on stuff in a school that is more than 90% boarding with only two day houses.
We lived near and couldn’t see the point initially.
In the end we decided to let them. They loved it. Lots of extra stuff to do in the evenings and weekends particularly extra 1/1 sports and specialist lectures.
Things that we could never arrange simply because they are not available here…
They became more independent, they thrived!

Well said @IgglePiggledidawiggle

She may say she was just joking but then she needs reminded that it's only a joke if both sides find it funny otherwise it's bullying

Maybe go home from work tonight and explain it as even handedly as you can and see their reaction? Or would you just not, just in case they saw it as an opportunity to get some real independence, whilst knowing that they had you at home forever and always but that you were just helping them live their life and find their feet?

You are coming from a place of believing that sending your kids to board is a 'good thing' and that kids who don't (or can't, due to finances, after all the outcome is the same) are 'missing out'. That for those that could, it's a choice to be made.

For us, boarding is an alien concept. Which I'm pleased about tbh. I would never send my dc anywhere to board so they'd never get the choice...but I can imagine the reactions of my teen dc if I floated the idea. Like I said, it's an alien concept to us. It would be akin to me asking them if they'd like to move to [random village] 100 miles away. Or maybe, shall we take up crochet as a whole family hobby? Or one of a hundred other, totally random pointless undesirable suggestions. It would be 'Whaaatttt? Why?'.

My eldest dc (16 and 13) go to the best (state) school in the County. They have a huge range of hobbies and extra curriculars, both in and out of school. They're excelling in pretty much everything, are happy well adjusted kids with their own bedrooms, plenty of freedom and independence but within boundaries appropriate for their ages. They get dinner with the family most evenings and plenty of alone time, if/when that's what they want.

They don't need 'real independence' and to 'find their feet' away from home. They can do that at Uni, and plan to.

They're not coasting, dreaming of a better life and opportunities and pining to go somewhere else to spread their wings right now 😂. They're children, living their best lives already, making plans for the near and distant future.

Boarding doesn't figure for us.

@SomethingDifferentt That’s a very nice 6 paragraph essay saying why you won’t and it all comes back to the point that you don’t want to have the conversation.

Well yes that's correct - I don't want to have a conversation with my DC about sending them away. I won't upset them just to please a randomer on the Internet 😆

That's how we feel about it too. I really dislike the race to make DC grow up. Eg all this nonsense of 'pre pre' to prepare them for 'pre', when the whole point of 'pre' is to prepare them for school.

Now we are meant to send them away to board to prepare them for uni!

Where does it end?

Weirdly, I am managing to be independent despite never having boarded or stayed in halls, rented accommodation etc. Crazy that!

@FUPAgirl Why would it upset them? You would just be checking you hadn’t missed anything out regarding options for their education in an even handed manner. But it sounds like you can’t be even handed about very much. Talk about a smattering of reverse snobbery combined with a massive chip on the shoulder. And I bet upthread you talk about privately educated children taking an attitude to those in the state sector. Oh the irony!

Yeah shes not nice at all. Trying to make a child feel bad when they are clearly in a happy and stable routine is mean.
I agree your husband should have a word, because she clearly has an issue and it will only get worse.

Where did I mention that? I haven't actually mentioned how my DC are educated so that's quite the projection 🤣🤣🤣🤣