Comments from SIL about daughter’s school

[BellamellaB]

My daughter is in year 6 in a private school where they offer part time boarding so once or twice a week she boards (her choice - she loves it).
My dh is close with his brother so we spend quite a lot of time with him and his wife (SIL).
They have a daughter a year younger than our daughter.
Always got on super well with SIL but as our daughters have started getting older I’m feeling some animosity from her. All centred around my daughter’s school.
I could take the odd dig here and there but now my daughter has said about a few remarks that were made to her by SIL and cousin at a sleepover last weekend.
School referred to as ‘snobby school’
by SIL.
Cousin said children only board at school
if their parents don’t want them!
And a couple of other things.

It does feel like it’s escalating.
The cousins are close and I don’t want this to come between them.
Not quite sure how to handle it.

Any experience of this kind of thing?

Thank you for reading :)

I hope you are right. I have friends who still carry that question mark on their soul 60 years later.

I think boarding may have changed a little
in the last 60 years

It’s not about her disagreeing with private schools.
My BIL has discussed with DH the fact that SIL wants to send her daughter to my daughter’s school but funds don’t allow unfortunately.

The problem I had, and maybe you will have, is that I stopped talking about what my children were doing/had done. Everytime I mentioned something it was sneered at or there was a bit of a silence however I noticed everytime this person mentioned something their children had done it was met with enthusiasm etc. Believe me I am not a showy off person, we're talking just general chit chat about what they had been doing.

It will not stop and will almost certainly get worse when they start secondly assuming your DD will be at private school. For me it has caused long term damage and was so unnecessary and hurtful. Your SIL sounds sad and bitter.

Or they may not be sad or bitter or jealous, just have a very low opinion of your DDs school

Definitely this is happening.
I’m finding myself holding back on saying just normal stuff.
It’s a sad situation.

Stock phrases like 'my school's better than your scruff joint', that should get up your SIL's nose.

SIL wants to send her daughter there but funds don’t allow unfortunately

not convinced! maybe she was just being polite- so many of these responses are based on the assumption that everybody will be in agreement that the private school is a better option. In my experience it isn't necessarily a better option and not only that, private schools are often not seen s the better option either. Plenty of people dislike them and dislike the outcomes for children, and plenty of children are less happy and do worse there. Some are fine, many are not, and boarders in particular often are not.

I suspect the comments are because the school is disliked, and the effect on the children who go there is disliked. I dont see why it is likely to be envy or bitterness, rather than dislike.

I do think you should distance yourself and your child a bit more, as your DD is likely to be alienated from state school children and non boarders, and can't see either child is going to benefit from continuing the friendship.

Yeah I know that one. Least they haven’t indicated you should pay for theirs to join yours. My MIL indicated that fir a while as apparently family members ie: us that had spare they should use it to provide the same advantages for SILs kids. Oh and that my children had a duty to help their cousins when they were older to ensure they were all equal.

At that point I was pretty direct and said that sorry, that these were not expectations she should ever have.

She’s 11 and at boarding schools. Regardless of how much she loves it, it’s not an uncontroversial choice…

The op said she boards 2 or 3 times a week at age 10! How is that any more controversial than sending your 2 yr old (and younger) to nursery or a childminder 8-5 or later five days a week?

Just seen some of your other posts. The fact that you have been told regularly they wish their child could go there tells me they will see if you can help out soon enough. And they are hoping you will say yes to show them what it’s really like and that it’s not snobbish/cold or whatever to send the kids to send there.

I’d think you could bring it up with SIL in a casual way. Such as ‘I know kids say funny things but dn said something to my dd about her boarding school and how it means your parents don’t want you, Obviously it’s just kids being kids but it upset my dd. I don’t want to upset dn by addressing it with her but I just thought maybe you could check in as obviously as you know that’s not at all accurate. Thanks SIL.

This is a classic example of what seems to be the problem not being the actual problem.

The big picture is that you don't feel you can be direct with your SIL for fear of her making a scene or sulking etc. This means whether you acknowledge it or not, she's dominating you. You have her psychologically higher up the 'pecking order'.

If she's making you/your daughter uncomfortable you're well within your rights to fire back with whatever (working hard to pay for it, pragmatism re. quality of state schools etc.). Doesn't have to be a shouting match, just a well-matched response.

If she takes offense, she takes offense. Don't walk on eggshells for her. A taste of her own medicine won't kill her.

Whether they agree with your DDs school or not (I have RTFT so I know that they do) it’s not their place to have an opinion. I’d go straight in and say that your DD told you that they’ve been making digs about her being semi-board and you don’t appreciate any insinuation that you do not care about your DD as it’s spiteful and cowardly to upset a child like that. There’s absolutely no way that can be misconstrued as a joke, nothing about that is funny in the slightest. I’d also say that you’re surprised because BIL mentioned how funds permitting they’d have sent their DD there, so with that being the case that she can keep her unsolicited, hypocritical opinions to herself. I’d also tell her if she has any welfare concerns she’s perfectly capable of taking them up with you directly. Bitch.

But they are cousins, which is different to a usual friendship. Besides, running away from difficult situations or a difference of opinion is a poor answer to this problem.

I think @Lancia72 gives an excellent perspective here, actually. Be direct with your sil. She is behaving badly here, by making rude comments directly to your young daughter about her school and allowing her child to do the same. You don’t have to defend your choices, just ask that they be respected.

I will never understand posters who take what the OP is saying and embellish and add bits in at will when they have no other information to back up their nonsense statement. If BIL has said they’d have sent their child there if they had the funds, who are you to imagine otherwise based on your own opinion? Regardless, if it’s not your child’s education, it’s not your business and it really is as simple as that. There is absolutely no excuse on earth to bully a child and make them feel like they’re not loved or cared about. Disgusting, inexcusable behaviour. Making rude and nasty comments to children do not indicate polite behaviour to me. In fact, quite the opposite.

I know! I keep having remind myself this is Mumsnet 😂

And I agree, no need ever to make shitty comments to my child.
It’s pathetic.

You don’t need to be convinced about the SILs motives - it’s irrelevant.

The OP has asked about how to deal with comments directly to her daughter.

OP it sounds like your daughter is happy at her school and enjoying a day or two boarding each week. It a shame that some posters have such poor comprehension and can’t understand that this is her choice.

I would probably stop the sleepovers and supervise more closely when they are together.

OP you are much nicer than me. I would really go to town on how good the school is as I would know it would wind her up. And generally avoid as they have a jealous nature so no good will come out of the relationship.

Of course, you could just also go all out megabitch. "I've been meaning to say, I really appreciate these comments you and Emmeline have been making about Clementine's school. It's such a sweet, caring, unique environment that I worry sometimes she won't get enough experience of the sort of mean jokey comments you get at normal schools."

Tell your daughter the fable of the fox and the "sour" grapes.

So what's your plan?

Sounds like your DH doesn't care enough to advocate for his daughter. It's something that weighing on her mind, too. Why can't he prioritise her emotionally?

well, we are in agreement then, aren't we. I think the sleepovers need to stop and the children distanced. they are no longer compatible