Comments from SIL about daughter’s school

[BellamellaB]

My daughter is in year 6 in a private school where they offer part time boarding so once or twice a week she boards (her choice - she loves it).
My dh is close with his brother so we spend quite a lot of time with him and his wife (SIL).
They have a daughter a year younger than our daughter.
Always got on super well with SIL but as our daughters have started getting older I’m feeling some animosity from her. All centred around my daughter’s school.
I could take the odd dig here and there but now my daughter has said about a few remarks that were made to her by SIL and cousin at a sleepover last weekend.
School referred to as ‘snobby school’
by SIL.
Cousin said children only board at school
if their parents don’t want them!
And a couple of other things.

It does feel like it’s escalating.
The cousins are close and I don’t want this to come between them.
Not quite sure how to handle it.

Any experience of this kind of thing?

Thank you for reading :)

I actually don’t think it matters whether she is jealous or simply doesn’t like private schools… her opinion is her opinion and she’s entitled to it BUT she should not be making snide bitchy remarks to either you or your child. She is totally out of order for saying nasty things to her DC about it too, these opinions are hurtful and shouldn’t be shared to children!
I think I’d distance myself a bit,

At an uncle's funeral recently, I was reminded why I never really liked my cousins. Nice enough, but not interesting. No conversation, and badly educated. Snobbish of me? Yes, hands up. But they are dull.

Maybe your SIL genuinely believes private schools are snobby and parents who board their children don't want them and voiced her opinions to her daughter.
We live in a free country she's allowed her opinions however far fetched they might be.

OP, I think how you are dealing with this issue is the only way forward. I hope your BIL is receptive to what what your DH has to say and his wife stops with the catty remarks.

I’ve recently had some to big similar said to me about my own DC’s private school. It is jealous pure and simple.

The truth is, we all make decisions for our children based on our circumstances - you clearly have the funds to go private and board and for some reason this vexes your SIL.

Her problem and I would be avoiding her for quite a long while.

This thread is really bringing out the worst in people.

I’d never have my child board and you are going to get people who, like me, just cannot fathom why people do this. It isn’t jealously like some suggest. However, I would never comment on this in front of a child who has had no control over where their parents choose to send them to school. Your SIL should not be making comments in front of your daughter.

Did you read the OP? Where does it she is having her child board?

The OPs child is a day pupil who chooses to board one or two nights a week because she enjoys it.

The children are cousins!!

Honestly you have the weirdest world view. I'm currently examining my soul to see if something strange happened to it due to spending 5 very happy years at boarding school.

FWIW, my DD is at a state comprehensive, she has friends at every possible permutation of school and seems to manage to interact very normally with them all. In the same way, their mothers and I all manage to discuss the niggles, issues, downsides and upsides of each of schools without anyone having jealousies or problems over it.

OP, your SIL is clearly intensely jealous and is being rather childish. Is she the same over more exotic holidays or bigger houses or any of the other million and one things people find to feel insecure about?

It is simple jealously

I'm privately educated. I come from a VERY poor background, including regular stints without enough food, belongings being pawned etc. So there's nothing snobby about me. My parents did not pay for my schooling. Not being hungry was a real revelation to me when I first went away to school.

My child was privately educated. Neither I nor my DH were in highly paid roles. We went without and lived in a teeny house for many years. No foreign holidays. I drove a Nissan micra as old as the hills for many years. It rattled a lot.

We did that for a reason. Despite all the people that come on here and say how snobby and elitist private schools are and it's against their principles for some people to choose to pay for their kids, it's not their principles. They just don't want to make the sacrifices to give their kids a better education. They'd rather drive round in a newer car and go on foreign holidays. And that's fine, bully for them. We all have different priorities but they just cannot wait to stick the boot into people that choose differently. I preferred to give my child the best education I could in an area not blessed with wonderful schools., but goodness people get exercised about it.

Yes there were wealthy families represented at my school, and also professional families, and middle class families, and kids on bursaries, and kids of business owners from printing firms to a couple who owned a cleaning firm but both also cleaned full time themselves, to tradesmen to a carpet supplier and everything in between.

And far from one previous poster's theory that private schools teach their children to look down on other,s the reality is quite the opposite. We were regularly told how very fortunate we were and how we must be very grateful for our education and for having the means to pay for it. I work with someone who went to a far posher private school then I and our experiences of being taught humility are both very similar.

Oh and lots of kids would weekly board or part time board because they wanted to not because their parents didn't want them. What a vile thing to say.

Your SIL is behaving appallingly. It is completely inappropriate of her to punish your child because she can't or won't provide a private education for her own child.

Has your child never been on a school residential or a sleepover with a friend?

If they did, did you let them because you don't want them or love them? Or did you think they might have an interesting and fun time?

OP's DD only boards occasional nights.

Full boarding schools have very short terms, so you are at home probably at least as much as you are away!

She’s too young for sleep overs or residential trips.
And sleep overs and residential trips are not boarding school, comparing them is bizarre. Maybe your boarding school education didn’t educate you well enough to not make odd comparisons?

What is the difference between sleeping over at school for an occasional night and going on a residential with school or brownies or guides etc?

It is exactly the same... except fewer nights at a time for the occasional boarding.

Seems my boarding school education (state not private btw) might just have given me rather more insight. Hopefully you'll be able to acquire that too when your DD is older.

I don't think it is necessarily jealousy. She may not understand why anyone would send their DC to a boarding school. I tend to feel sorry for kids who go. But I would never ever say so to a child or in front of their cousin who may repeat it. So I wouldn't leave her with your SIL on her own or give your SIL the opportunity to be nasty to her about it again.

This is very complicated and difficult to unscramble.
I am a child who went through this. My Dad was a twin. My cousins boarded and were encouraged by their schools to celebrate their privilege and look down on those without it. That wasn’t great to know but I think it was projected by both mothers, and led to the privates and the states not trying to mix.
My Dad didn’t believe in private education.
I suspect my Mum felt jealous.
Social apartheid reigned at holiday times and a gulf developed between our families. Our grandmother didn’t brook any nonsense telling each side of teen that it took 2 to have a conversation.
It is a shame. My own DS are close to cousins on both sides and as an adult I see it was about adult insecurities/ oneupmanship/ both.
I now get on v well with my v lovely cousins.
DH found solace from a v difficult home life in boarding school. He found a stability and quasi-familial relationships not available at home. It was the making of him.
Feel sure some jealousy is at play. It’s a tough one to address but I would not recommend the distancing of families. I wonder can the grown ups agree to butt out of the cousins relationships.
My DS are in WhatsApp or whatever groups with their cousins. The older ones help the youngest through the trials of modern teen life. So whatever is going on with the parents, when we meet up they interact on their own terms. Perhaps encourage the cousins to forge their own relationship away from parental interference.
I hope you can. The adult me thinks our parents got this particular aspect of life completely wrong.

Hmm, did you witness these comments OP,? Or were they reported to you by your DD? I'm not trying to victim blame but are you absolutely sure she did nothing to provoke the comments?
We have family members (my nieces and nephews) who boarded and they were quite frankly awful at showing off in front of my DC who were at the local state school. Their parents were not much better, often discussing which minor celebs child was in their class or moaning about the cost of the school trip to the south American rainforest or new school hat!
It wouldn't have surprised me if my kids had snapped and called it "snobby school".

Jealously is now a national sport in the UK and everyone is supposed to be racing to the bottom.

@BellamellaB My DDs weekly boarded.

My sisters obviously thought it was wrong. Eventually my DC and theirs barely spoke. It was more obvious when my nieces and nephews grew up and found the differences too much due to their politics. Unfortunately they think anyone south of Yorkshire is posh and rich but fail to realise it’s because they work. So we avoid them all now. It always amused me that they didn’t mind having lifts in my car or using my swimming pool but thought we were contemptible for having such things.

We just leave them to be with their tribe and we stay with ours now. It’s no longer anything to do with schools. It’s more about philosophy.

Why do people keep saying the dh needs to talk to his brother about this. They are not the ones with the issue.

She's year 6 so 10 or 11. Why on earth is that too young for a sleepover or residential trip?

Why do people keep saying the dh needs to talk to his brother about this. They are not the ones with the issue.
Because when it comes to family it's often easier and less messy for each person in relationships to deal with their side of the family.

So OP's husband talking to his brother quietly is likely to be less drama than OP talking to DH's SIL given the SIL is prone to drama and making nasty, jealous comments on earshot of a child.

And maybe your education has failed to teach you to read and understand.

Christ. How many more posters are going to completely fail to comprehend that the SIL wants to send her child to this school but can’t afford it (jealousy). And that the OP’s child is a day pupil who chooses to board one night a week or so to be with her friends.

If you disagree with private schools or perhaps wish you could afford one, just come out and say it, stop wilfully misunderstanding to suit your narrative, or pretend narrative. 😂

BIL has told DH that she wants to send their daughter to the same school but funds don’t allow unfortunately.

@LolaSmiles That's a very British POV :). IMO the fear of mess and drama is the whole problem. Families who actually talk to each other in a direct way get this stuff out in the open and sorted at dinner tables in two minutes flat with no offense taken whatsoever.

Generalising of course, but most southern European families can argue vehemently about all sorts of things while pouring each other glasses of wine. It's the saying-nothing-at-the-time-then-bitching-in-the-car-all-the-way-home that leads to seething resentments and all the rest of it.

You have to accept that private education is very divisive. For the vast majority of privately educated students, it signifies a certain degree of wealth that most people don’t have.
My nearest private school charges around 10k per year for primary, 14K for secondary. That’s a hell of a lot of money. It’s easy to say - well if you valued your children you’d find the money, but most families don’t have 75K spare for secondary education. Presumably, boarding costs much more. Plus the additional costs of uniform, trips etc.
Sadly, many of the children I know who attended private school saw themselves as better than the ones who didn’t. That’s a societal thing - more money = better. I have worked with a fair few teachers who were privately educated but their expensive education didn’t get them any better jobs than my free state school education.

Despite all the people that come on here and say how snobby and elitist private schools are and it's against their principles for some people to choose to pay for their kids, it's not their principles. They just don't want to make the sacrifices to give their kids a better education

Wow @Panterus . And you know this, how?