Comments from SIL about daughter’s school

[BellamellaB]

My daughter is in year 6 in a private school where they offer part time boarding so once or twice a week she boards (her choice - she loves it).
My dh is close with his brother so we spend quite a lot of time with him and his wife (SIL).
They have a daughter a year younger than our daughter.
Always got on super well with SIL but as our daughters have started getting older I’m feeling some animosity from her. All centred around my daughter’s school.
I could take the odd dig here and there but now my daughter has said about a few remarks that were made to her by SIL and cousin at a sleepover last weekend.
School referred to as ‘snobby school’
by SIL.
Cousin said children only board at school
if their parents don’t want them!
And a couple of other things.

It does feel like it’s escalating.
The cousins are close and I don’t want this to come between them.
Not quite sure how to handle it.

Any experience of this kind of thing?

Thank you for reading :)

I think approaching it less with anger at the topic, and more at surprise she thinks it's appropriate to share those views with her own dd and yours. I would say look I understand you don't agree with our choices, but you must see it isn't ok to say things in front of the children? She may even react better to an actual plea rather than criticism, and looking for the best outcome getting her to stop should be the goal so the cousins relationship can continue. I'd privately completely change view of sil but she doesn't need to know this!

Yes, I think that's fair. I think private schools are ethically indefensible, and while I certainly wouldn't be volunteering that opinion unasked to ILs, if it came up in conversation, I wouldn't be pretending I thought they were fine. I'm far from alone in my opinion, so both you and your child will have to figure out how to deal with opinions that don't validate your life choices.

Yes he’s aware. Doesn’t really want to speak to his bro about it but will.
it’s a bit awkward for him. His brother told Dh before that she would love to send their daughter to the same school as my daughter but funds don’t allow presently.
I think DH just doesn’t want to confront it at all!

I think it's OK to say something to her directly. Along the lines of I get the impression you don't agree with our choice of school which is obviously fine as every family chooses the school that works for them. But my daughter was a bit upset after the last visit because of comments that her school was snobby and that her parents don't love her as they allow her to sleep over, which isnt a nice thing for a child to hear, whether its a joke or not. Please can you be careful about what you say about the schools to and infront of both girls, as daughter loves her relationship with niece and your family and I'd hate for them to grow distant over something that ultimately is their parents decisions

Interesting that so many put this down to jealousy. Where we live, private schools are ten a penny. Most of them are not Eton standard, rather somewhere where those not able to cope with academic rigour are sent to become ‘well rounded’ individuals. Personally I’d rather mine went to the local grammar than any of these establishments! Private doesn’t always equal better, hence often very little to be jealous of…

Thanks - I think this is a great approach

I wouldn’t bother saying anything. My sister, her kids, my BIL and DH’s parents were all horrible about my DS being privately educated. Even though both my parents and MIL also went to private school. My sister was so happy when my DS had to go to state school because no independent secondaries around us would accept him (he is autistic). My sister never disguised her jealousy that she couldn’t afford it for 3 kids. It was always framed as ‘elitist’ and ‘against her socialist principles’. Just leave it alone, your SIL won’t change her opinion no matter what you say.

Thank you.

it’s bizarre - it’s getting worse as the girls are getting older.

And it’s not even like she has some kind of moral objection to private schools. My BIL told my DH that SIL really wants to send their daughter to the same school but funds don’t allow.
It’s very difficult because I do appreciate she does want her daughter to go there.
But the snidey comments to my 10 year old are a bit pathetic really.

I never understand people who make these comments about private schools. They are either jealous or don't agree with them. It always cracks me up that the latter group tend to think grammar schools are great and /or have the money (and sharp elbows) to move into the catchment of a good schools and/or are,or find, religion, Their children don't seem to mix with the kids from the rougher areas🤔.

Anyway something similar happened to me. I now don't really speak to the person, I found it very hurtful and unnecessary. I would never comment about other peoples school choices to their face or in front of my children.

There are lots of ways you could approach this however I suspect she will deny it and turn it back on you. You could, of course, ask your daughter to ask her Auntie what her cousin means and why she is saying these things .......

I would definitely confront her. She might say she was joking or that wasn’t the case but she will know that it gets back to you and might learn to shut up.

Thank you

Yeah, I’d never comment on someone else’s choices.

When her cousin said about parents not caring about their kids if they board, my daughter said to her ‘why did you say that’. Apparently she was embarrassed to be called out.

Are you sure this isn't your daughter projecting her own concerns about why she is at a boarding school? Obviously, it is a deliberate choice not to have her at home, and that is going to leave a question mark on her soul

I realise the digs are annoying, but how would you feel if the situation were flipped? Your niece was at an amazing, expensive school where you would really love to send your child, but couldn't afford it. I think you could manage to be a bit gracious, honestly. She's literally said that she would have loved to send her own daughter there.

She boards one or 2 nights a week. Entirely her choice.
I don’t think there’s any question marks on her soul 😉

Your daughter sounds like a great kid and good for her for calling her out.

First thing, I would reinforce the confidence in your daughter. Tell her aunt and cousin are envious and there is nothing wrong with boarding if she enjoys it. What kid wouldn’t love a weekly sleepover with their friends?

As for the adults, I would get DH to message the brother about catching up soon but could they stay off the subject of school. Your daughter heard some of the things the SIL and cousin say and whilst it may be in jest it hurt her feelings.

I totally agree. And believe me I have been being very gracious about the digs.
It’s that they’re now being said directly to my daughter and now by her cousin to her also.

WTF?!

A question mark on her soul 😂

That solution sounds perfect!

Thank you 🙏

Having a word with her will only make it worse. You just have to rise above it or distance yourself. If her daughter gets better GCSE/ A level grades or ends up earning more than yours, brace yourself for the comments about it. Very few people can resist gloating over that one.

This is true, and its probably what I would have done in the past
But I think you might have to wait around for your DH to talk to his DB (and he may not phrase it the way you want him to) and for the DB to talk to the SIL (who knows how he will convey it?)and for the SIL to talk to her DD etc...
it will get lost in the translation and could cause a bigger blow up.

Talk to her in a friendly non-confrontational way, not using emotive/accusatory language etc.. and at least you'll have had your daughters back. If SIL takes offence, well you know where you stand. Even if SIL says she is joking - you have raised the issue with her and told her that the comments are upsetting her daughter. You've put her on notice that you will approach her directly again if there are future occurrences.

A PP mentioned having a chat with your DD to help her find ways of dealing with comments like this and also considering things that might spark comments.

Amused by the pp that she’ll have to learn to deal with such comments “for life”. I went to a household name school. Learnt early to be very discreet about my background. It really doesn’t have to be an issue.

Have the chat anyway as it's necessary..even if she denies it or puts it down to humour..say it's not funny...it needs to be said, so she knows your not having any of it. If after that she continues to say these things then slowly back away from them...like no sleep overs as they are finding that opportunity to tease her.

Aren't you proving their point here? The fact that you learnt to be discreet shows you knew from an early age you'd be negatively judged for it. It's only not an issue so long as you hide a huge part of your upbringing.

Equally, they are comments she will have to deal with in life. She’s 11 and at boarding schools. Regardless of how much she loves it, it’s not an uncontroversial choice…

I agree with this. Your DD will experience these attitudes from other people too, it's life. She will have to get used to it.

I don't think she is jealous, and I think the constant "she's jealous" from MN when anyone disagrees with private schools etc is childish and absurd. A LOT of people disapprove of private schools. A lot of private schools foster very snobbish attitudes. I work with children at independent schools and some of them do teach children to look down on others. A LOT of people also find boarding weird and confusing. Having worked in the schools I find it very odd personally and it makes me feel very distant to anyone who chooses this (including DB and SIL) because I find their choices so bewildering.

I realise you are happy with your decision and think it is right for your child, but I and many many others cannot wrap their heads around it.