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AIBU?

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Original poster

Comments from SIL about daughter’s school

192 replies

BellamellaB · 14/02/2024 12:20

My daughter is in year 6 in a private school where they offer part time boarding so once or twice a week she boards (her choice - she loves it).
My dh is close with his brother so we spend quite a lot of time with him and his wife (SIL).
They have a daughter a year younger than our daughter.
Always got on super well with SIL but as our daughters have started getting older I’m feeling some animosity from her. All centred around my daughter’s school.
I could take the odd dig here and there but now my daughter has said about a few remarks that were made to her by SIL and cousin at a sleepover last weekend.
School referred to as ‘snobby school’
by SIL.
Cousin said children only board at school
if their parents don’t want them!
And a couple of other things.

It does feel like it’s escalating.
The cousins are close and I don’t want this to come between them.
Not quite sure how to handle it.

Any experience of this kind of thing?

Thank you for reading :)

OP posts:
Mimami · 14/02/2024 17:42

MILTOBE · 14/02/2024 13:21

I think it would be great if schools had somewhere that children could stay overnight if the parents needed that or if the children wanted to be with their friends. I would have been all over that as a child! I could see my children preferring that to having a babysitter and I would've felt safer with that than leaving them on their own when they were older, too.

That exists in some independent schools, it's called flexi-boarding but you would have to pay for the day part of the school too

SheerLucks · 14/02/2024 17:43

PollyPeep · 14/02/2024 12:24

She's jealous that you can afford private school. This might not change unfortunately.

This.

I would just rise above it and encourage your DD to do the same, and it will hopefully pass.

Original poster
BellamellaB · 14/02/2024 17:47

DH is going to speak to his bro. I’ve said I’m happy to go straight to her but he wants to sort it with bro.
There will be a couple of weeks with no sleepovers (prearranged stuff going on) so that will be a nice break.
Then we shall see….

OP posts:
MrFlippersPancake · 14/02/2024 17:47

She's jealous, we had similar when our DDs went to grammar rather than the local school, it affected some friendships including with SIL. We just don't talk about it now several years in but things have never been quite the same ifykwim

Sammysquiz · 14/02/2024 17:48

Mine are at a fantastic private school and I get similar comments from my sister. Whenever my DC mention their school, even in the most innocuous way, she says ‘oooh must be lovely to be rich’ or similar, in a sarcastic voice. I just let it flow over me now - it’s her chip on her shoulder, not my issue.

BananaSpanner · 14/02/2024 17:52

BellamellaB · 14/02/2024 15:01

That solution sounds perfect!

Thank you 🙏

Show quote history

I would not give your DC digs to aim at the other child. By all means increase your dc confidence but not at the expense of your niece’s confidence because although she may have said some unpleasant things, she will have been influenced by her mum so time to take the moral high ground.

Just tackle it head on with SIL and leave the kids out of it.

AmytheDancingBrick · 14/02/2024 18:03

@incognitothismorning
I’m not sure why you think we are in agreement. I’m not sure I’ve read anything that you’ve written that I agree with.

I don’t believe the SIL has a poor opinion of the school. I don’t believe the OPs daughter will have her soul damaged by choosing to spend a couple of nights boarding with her friends, and I don’t believe the OPs daughter is projecting any concerns.

And I said supervise not distance.

Corgiowner · 14/02/2024 18:05

Newbalancebeam · 14/02/2024 13:45

Interesting that so many put this down to jealousy. Where we live, private schools are ten a penny. Most of them are not Eton standard, rather somewhere where those not able to cope with academic rigour are sent to become ‘well rounded’ individuals. Personally I’d rather mine went to the local grammar than any of these establishments! Private doesn’t always equal better, hence often very little to be jealous of…

My DCs went to “Eton standard” but I agree private or I prefer independent doesn’t necessary mean better for your child even at the top schools. It’s all about fit every school has a box/ethos that they want their pupils to fit into, if your child fits the box/ethos then it’s a good choice and its likely they will thrive be it state or independent.
@User19798 choosing to board your children does bewilder others but that doesn’t necessarily make it a bad choice for the individual family/child. It’s all about what works for the individual child.

WarningOfGails · 14/02/2024 18:08

We have the opposite situation! SIL (DH’s sister) is really rude about state schools (her DC are privately educated) - my DC have picked up on it and it’s definitely damaged their relationship. They don’t know what to make of being told their cousins have to go to private school to be kept away from the type of girls you find at state school etc. We used to be really close but this has really put a wedge between us.

saraclara · 14/02/2024 18:20

Tell her aunt and cousin are envious

That's terrible advice. Rubbishing them both to the daughter is as bad as what SIL appears to be doing.

incognitothismorning · 14/02/2024 18:33

WarningOfGails · 14/02/2024 18:08

We have the opposite situation! SIL (DH’s sister) is really rude about state schools (her DC are privately educated) - my DC have picked up on it and it’s definitely damaged their relationship. They don’t know what to make of being told their cousins have to go to private school to be kept away from the type of girls you find at state school etc. We used to be really close but this has really put a wedge between us.

If cousins are educated in these different cultures, there will be wedges driven between them. That is inevitable. They are growing up in different worlds.

StaunchMomma · 14/02/2024 18:35

BellamellaB · 14/02/2024 13:13

I am thinking of having a chat. But I think she will say she’s just joking 🙃
It has got to the point where we never mention anything about the school in case it comes across wrong. Which is a shame.

Show quote history

If she says she was joking you need to tell her her jokes have upset your DD and she needs to rectify that!

You really do need to stand up for your child, here - she's essentially being bullied by an adult.

I do understand where you're coming from, we've had a few 'friends' of both DS and myself become a bit bitchy and hostile since he passed his 11+. People don't like being in a position where they feel inferior, even if THEY are the ones making themselves feel that way.

It's really sad that this woman, who is essentially an Auntie to DD, can't be happy for her that she is at a school she enjoys. It's your job to make that clear to SIL.

Suchagroovyguy · 14/02/2024 18:41

BellamellaB · 14/02/2024 15:34

I think boarding may have changed a little
in the last 60 years

Show quote history

That poster…. 😂

WarningOfGails · 14/02/2024 18:47

incognitothismorning · 14/02/2024 18:33

If cousins are educated in these different cultures, there will be wedges driven between them. That is inevitable. They are growing up in different worlds.

Show quote history

I don’t agree it’s inevitable. I was privately educated - as were my siblings - and my cousins weren’t, but it was never an issue or a topic between us.

Original poster
BellamellaB · 14/02/2024 18:48

Suchagroovyguy · 14/02/2024 18:41

That poster…. 😂

Show quote history

🤯

OP posts:
Dibblydoodahdah · 14/02/2024 18:50

incognitothismorning · 14/02/2024 16:13

not convinced! maybe she was just being polite- so many of these responses are based on the assumption that everybody will be in agreement that the private school is a better option. In my experience it isn't necessarily a better option and not only that, private schools are often not seen s the better option either. Plenty of people dislike them and dislike the outcomes for children, and plenty of children are less happy and do worse there. Some are fine, many are not, and boarders in particular often are not.

I suspect the comments are because the school is disliked, and the effect on the children who go there is disliked. I dont see why it is likely to be envy or bitterness, rather than dislike.

I do think you should distance yourself and your child a bit more, as your DD is likely to be alienated from state school children and non boarders, and can't see either child is going to benefit from continuing the friendship.

Show quote history

When I sent my children to a private school a “friend” made scathing remarks about the school. She sent her DC to the local state school….but guess where I bumped into her a few years later…at my DCs private school because she had decided to move hers there. By that time my oldest had moved on to a very very difficult to get into state grammar. She had got wind of that and then proceeded to criticise the grammar (whilst gushing about the private school). Do you see a pattern?!!

The OP’s SIL was definitely coming from a place of bitterness and envy. Even if you have an issue was a particular type of school, you don’t pass on that dislike to your children running the risk that they make offensive comments to a friend or family member who attends that school. You teach your children to be respectful.

ttcat37 · 14/02/2024 19:09

Lol at all the posters clearly getting boarding school mixed up with a 1980s eastern bloc orphanage

Spirallingdownwards · 14/02/2024 19:15

incognitothismorning · 14/02/2024 14:49

Are you sure this isn't your daughter projecting her own concerns about why she is at a boarding school? Obviously, it is a deliberate choice not to have her at home, and that is going to leave a question mark on her soul

I am sure her soul is just fine.

However the jealousy from SIL and projecting this to her own daughter will more likely have more of an effect on their dark black souls! 🙄

Spirallingdownwards · 14/02/2024 19:16

incognitothismorning · 14/02/2024 18:33

If cousins are educated in these different cultures, there will be wedges driven between them. That is inevitable. They are growing up in different worlds.

Show quote history

You seem to be projecting....

LiveLaughCryalot · 14/02/2024 19:32

Crikey, there's someone here with a boulder on their shoulder 😂
OP, you need to stop being so wet regarding your choices. If you act like it's a shameful secret then it will give people free reign to say shitty things. Be proud of your choices. Be proud of your daughter and her achievements. Sing them from the rooftops. They are going to say shit anyway. Don't let your dd see you being so meek over the matter. Talk about her school, her achievements, her adventures. Don't shy away from discussing it, you have done nothing wrong! Dickheads are always going to be dickish.

incognitothismorning · 15/02/2024 09:36

WarningOfGails · 14/02/2024 18:47

I don’t agree it’s inevitable. I was privately educated - as were my siblings - and my cousins weren’t, but it was never an issue or a topic between us.

Show quote history

I dont suppose you were close - and it would be interesting to hear their side of this judgement!

Branwells77 · 15/02/2024 18:03

itsgettingweird · 14/02/2024 13:01

Teach your DD is reply politely.

Something like "it's not snobby. It's just a school. People choose different schools and your DD could go there if she wanted."

And

"I like boarding. It's just a sleepover with mates where they live. Same as we do".

I think it would be harder to keep the comments and dogs going directly towards a 10/11yo rather than just repeating what's heard or making indirect digs.

@itsgettingweird
Brilliant responses this is exactly what I would teach my children to say if I was in this position @BellamellaB Your SIL is definitely jealous which is sad that she is being so childish hope your DD achieves everything she wants in life I would definitely teach your daughter the above suggestion answers.

Noseybookworm · 15/02/2024 18:06

I think you'd be sensible to address the comments with your SIL, out of earshot of the children. Say that your daughter has mentioned that her aunt and cousin have made comments about her school and about her boarding and that's it's not acceptable, especially the comment about her parents not caring about her. If SIL takes offence at you bringing it up, that's her problem. Your first loyalty is to your daughter and I wouldn't be able to let it continue if it's upsetting her.

Retiredfromearlyyears · 15/02/2024 18:10

Tell your husband whats being said and in the meantime no visits or sleepovers for your daughter. Tell your husband that you think it would be best if he sees his brother on his own for a bit. You know the old saying ' familiarity breeds contempt!" Back away from her a wee bit.

riceuten · 15/02/2024 18:22

I have - for personal reasons - a pathogical hatred of private and selective schools and I (privately) think they are for aspirational snobs, and are a complete waste of money

However, I am not everyone and if people choose to send their kids there, I would never utter a word (except on a public forum, natch) to the person concerned. Your money, your choice.

What I HAVE had is mums practically accuse colleagues of child neglect for NOT sending a child to a grammar or private school if they could afford to do so. That I will never understand. If you choose to send your child to such establishments, that’s your lookout. Slagging someone off for not doing so is beyond the pale.