Comments from SIL about daughter’s school

[BellamellaB]

My daughter is in year 6 in a private school where they offer part time boarding so once or twice a week she boards (her choice - she loves it).
My dh is close with his brother so we spend quite a lot of time with him and his wife (SIL).
They have a daughter a year younger than our daughter.
Always got on super well with SIL but as our daughters have started getting older I’m feeling some animosity from her. All centred around my daughter’s school.
I could take the odd dig here and there but now my daughter has said about a few remarks that were made to her by SIL and cousin at a sleepover last weekend.
School referred to as ‘snobby school’
by SIL.
Cousin said children only board at school
if their parents don’t want them!
And a couple of other things.

It does feel like it’s escalating.
The cousins are close and I don’t want this to come between them.
Not quite sure how to handle it.

Any experience of this kind of thing?

Thank you for reading :)

Then you reply - “My daughter is being upset by these comments, so they are not a joke for her. Making a joke that you know will upset the butt of the joke is not funny or caring, so I hope you will stop now you know how it’s affecting your niece”.

Boarding/ private school will be devisive.
I wouldn't recommend pp suggestion at your DD telling her cousin that she could go there too.
That's tone deaf.
They may not be in a financial situation to privately educate- most people can't.
It's definitely envy and perhaps insecurity about cousin not having some opportunities and life chances as your DD .
Because attending a private school does make a difference.
That's why you pay for it.
But it is a shame it comes between cousin so SIL should be careful not to be negative about your DD .
But if cousin goes to local comp they will have VERY different experiences .

I’d just get DH to have a quiet word and ask them to keep their opinions to themselves and be mindful that their daughter is possibly over hearing conversations.

People are weird, they always seem to have an opinion about something. My two eldest sons have both passed the 11+ and go to a Grammar School. Rightly so, we are very proud of them and we are so impressed with their school. The opportunities they have are incredible and more than that, they enjoy it and come home happy every day.

We get endless comments from certain types of people regarding it “we didn’t want to put the pressure of the 11+ exam on little Sammy”, “kids do well where ever they go” blah blah blah. Some people really need to learn that they don’t need to say their opinions out loud!

This and I would make sure both husbands are present when you say it.

I went to private school. She definitely needs to develop a thick skin with regards to comments about being posh/snobby - I was a scholarship girl who didn’t come from a wealthy background in the slightest but still had to deal with that prejudice.

Treat it as a good learning opportunity and teach her that people will make petty judgements and hurtful remarks but she is quite within her rights to challenge them eg the old Mumsnet chestnut “did you mean to be so rude?”.

We’re looking at sending our DC to private school, primarily because she is gifted to the point of seeming to be too different to really be supported in a regular classroom and I don’t mean just academically, her social emotional development and needs are just different. I have mostly been met with skepticism and similar remarks to what you have had from close friends who are otherwise not judgmental.

I think it partly comes because people instinctively feel that by making a different choice, i am saying their choice, ie, state school is inferior. Maybe it’s jealously or maybe it’s just the self doubt we all have at least a small dose of on whether we’re making the best choices for our children.

In reality, it would be a whole lot easier for everyone if my DD was just regular old clever 🤷‍♀️.

I know exactly what you’re going through.
My 3 went private and boarded for the last four years ie 5th and 6th form.

From the day the first started school we had rude comments from my brother and SIL.
Slagging off the school and privately educated kids constantly, even slagging them off to relatives at weddings and funerals.
Both of them were rude to their faces
Such as
thats a snobby accent, you look stupid in a wing collar ( ie their uniform). Ooo skiing this year surprise surprise! Hark at you doing classics………..you’re not clever you’re only doing well because the classes are small😳

The list was endless, the bullying constant.
We have never commented about their school choices and only ever made positive comments about their kids.

People that hear them see it for what is really is. They do not have any political issues with private education, they are just jealous we can afford it. ( my SILs dad told us this )
We don’t speak anymore, they dumped us before their first kid took his exams.

It’s your choice OP how you bring up your DD. Luckily it’s not both of them so someone needs to speak to SIL and not leave her alone with DD until she can be trusted to be civil.

School choices being the worst out in parents op. She’s jealous. I would be limiting the time I spend with them tbh. It’s not going to get any better.

In her eyes You have won The lottery.
Being able to privately educate your child.
Its a much better environment to be privately educated and SHE knows it and shes envious / jealous GREEN with envy !!!!!!!!!! Im afraid that YOU just have to accept her JEALOUSY- It is what it is. Just pity her. There will be plenty more.

Boarding school is pretty divisive tbh! One of my neighbours dc go to boarding school. Harry Potter came on & one dc said “is this what boarding school is like” & I said “yes, it looks fun doesn’t it, would you like to go?”. The younger one (who isn’t that young) was upset for days thinking I would send them away & I didn’t love him!

It’s a much better environment to be privately educated and SHE knows it and shes envious / jealous GREEN with envy !!!!!!!!!! Im afraid that YOU just have to accept her JEALOUSY- It is what it is. Just pity her. There will be plenty more.

the division works both ways!

Just see far less of them. Lives move on. They will always be family but family should also be good friends. They no longer are.

MIL hated the fact we sent ours private. It altered the relationship. Similar language was used: mixing with snobby people, won't be able to relate to non snobby people. Funny really, because she went to a state school, her dc went to state schools. With the exception of DH her state educated dc (nearly 60 now) are not at all comfortable with all sorts of people and neither is she. My DC on the other hand are like mother and me, happy to natter to anyone.

Lots of experience here with such comments. The SIL - well your relationship ship with her is toast now so smile and ignore. The cousins- that’s not so easy. My children are in their 20s and when they meet up with their cousins there is still always a pointed comment or two. There were some astonishing comments when they were smaller - they were not loved apparently because their mother worked. That said my children don’t seem bothered and half the time don’t notice. I don’t feel the need to speak to any of them and when we meet it’s always in a group so no need. Watch your back and yea the comments are always made when partners are not around . I wish you well

Private school could actually turn out to be a millstone around a child’s neck. People send their children to public school because historically it has been a massive leg up. 7 percent of people were privately educated yet are massively over represented in elite professions and universities etc. however this is changing with elite employers now actively looking for state school kids over the traditional public school kid hothoused into an elite university then elite job route. Why? Found that state school kids more resilient, determined and hungry frankly. In my profession we found public school kids couldn’t handle failing or losing - and under pressure seem to be a bit tightly wound/brittle. We also know that a private school will add on average two grades at A level compared to a state school educated kid. We find once they get into the workplace they really struggle to keep up. So yes I would be wary of dismissing people because they are ‘jealou’ more likely they are angry at the sheer unfairness of it. If I were in the op shoes I would be honest - yes sorry you can’t afford to give your child the best and yes it is unfair but that’s life. My child must get the very best and screw you. At least that way you have acknowledged the unfairness of it all and your desire to get the best for your child. It is honest

I fail to see how your smug bragging brings anything to this discussion.

This!
I don’t think the DH’s need to get involved, after all it’s neither brother making the comments.
I’d probably encourage the sleepovers to happen at your house rather than SIL & BIL’s so you can keep an eye on what’s being said.
Next time she makes a remark in front of you I’d literally say “MEOW’ followed by a car spitting sound …. Then laugh out loud!! Might make her realise how nasty she’s being!

Cat nor car 🙄

Next time she makes a remark in front of you I’d literally say “MEOW’ followed by a car spitting sound …. Then laugh out loud!! Might make her realise how nasty she’s being!

Don’t do this!

I would not ignore this. It's very cruel to assert that parents who send their children to boarding school don't love them and I think you need to be forthright about that. Both children need to hear loud and clear that it isn't true.

What a bitch. Honestly, do you want to spend time with these people?

Are SIL dc at a state school? If so, she is jealous. Boarding school costs a pretty penny. I doubt she has ethical issues about her not living at home or being ‘sent’ away (some people honestly do). Because she called it snobby and that is code for, we can’t afford it…

@MILTOBE what a weird brag. My brother got into grammar in appeal and went on to get a land economy degree from Cambridge and now works in finance earning very well. I wonder if our old neighbours gloated like you as their son got in without appeal? Don’t be a dick.

It's envy and defensiveness. Can you imagine if the roles were reversed, and you were openly slagging off state schools?!

IT's pretty shitty of your SIL to be making this comments to her own daughter since it was bound to repeated to yours. Let alone the fact that it 100% stems from envy that she can't afford to send her own daughter to the same school.

IT needs to be nipped in the bud and hopefully your DH will sort it with his brother. If not, I'd suggest they will be bluntly telling cousin why such comments are being made.

You're absolutely right. I don't care about what you think of my choices. My children have had amazing childhoods at independent schools, what a millstone to carry for life hey! 🙂

Has there been family money or opportunities your dh got that his brother didn't? There could be some imbalance somewhere along the line that meant you can afford it and they can't which is causing the rub.