To think that ow genuinely fall for the lies their men spin?

[aimans]

Men who have affairs, leave or are kicked out, destroy their children's mental health, speak awfully about their wives/exes , ignore/ let down their kids regularly especially when an offer of sex/ drink etc comes up?
The majority of us know that these men are shit in every way but do you really think that their OW's believe their bullshit or underneath it all, are cut from the same cloth?

what is it about her that made him give all that up?

You're thinking that the problem was somehow external - something in her. It wasn't. It was something in him.

And I too am very sorry to hear it. It must be absolutely devastating.

Yes, this. Asking what it was about her is just the other side of the coin to viewing OW as repulsive, as it suggests the OW had something superior to offer that tempted him away. Both positions are a smokescreen for the fact that a man made a free choice to cheat, and both seek to find external reasons rather than looking to his character, feelings and life view.

Agree about the issue being within him (or her - whoever the supposedly committed party is).

Someone who talks a lot of sense on affairs is Esther Perel, lots of her stuff on YouTube, she's brilliant on infidelity imo.

@NecessaryNC24 tbh I tuned out most of the rest of the thread because it continued to be so depressing! The married man is always lured away by the OW... who has EXACTLY the same character traits and reasons as every other OW in the history of the world. We really must warn all the menfolk, lest they be snared away too.

My experience is people believe what they want to believe.

Until it pretty much becomes unavoidable and they have to face up to facts that are undeniable.

Will probably get flamed for this, but here goes.

I was an OW. The MM I was involved with was financially supporting me at a time I had just escaped from my highly abusive ex-H. So it started more as an arrangement - he’d done it (many times!) before, pretty much for his whole marriage, and was totally upfront about his situation. He saw the money as a way of buying his way out of any consequences in regards to me I suppose. To stop it being an emotional thing. For me it was a total lifeline. I’d been unable to work for years and was retraining. I got nothing in my divorce as was too unsafe for me to pursue.

Would I do it again? No. I didn’t feel great about it obviously. But I reasoned I wasn’t the first and probably wouldn’t be the last. I was so focussed on survival I didn’t think of his home situation. It was selfish of me, and I was looking for a quick fix for my situation and was pretty desperate. I couldn’t risk bankruptcy due to the career I was embarking upon. Probably not an excuse but that was my reality.

We completely unexpectedly fell totally in love, although he didn’t admit his feelings to that extent at the time, it was pretty clear on both sides. I suppose looking back, I was quite vulnerable given what I’d been through with my ex. I’ve not had a connection like it and don’t expect I will again, but I have more clarity now.

His wife found out after 10 months as I guess he finally was unable to keep his two ‘lives’ separate. It was utter hell. He stayed ‘for the kids’. We didn’t really talk, but he stalked me online for over 18 months until I finally confronted him and he admitted he was in love with me, had never told her, but couldn’t leave his children. Was only staying for them. Regretted marrying her. But couldn’t leave.

It was one thing lying about the affairs, but him continuing to lie throughout their ‘reconciliation’ was a bit of a watershed moment for me. It’s ultimately weakness and cowardice and modelling a terrible relationship for his children. He’d made out the marriage was toxic but was still having sex with her because ‘even I know a marriage without sex would never work’. So can’t be that bad then. It would be different if he’d been honest, and they’d worked through it and she had the benefit of the full truth. His life has remained largely the same.

He said she had been expecting him to leave her for all this time since discovery, and so was clearly insecure because he’s emotionally checked out, but still won’t give her the decency of the actual truth. Which I found horrific. Made out he was being dutiful but is actually just selfish. Said it was ‘so traumatic for him and didn’t know how he’s pulled through’.

So I had my eyes opened for sure. Whilst he didn’t ‘lie’ to me when we were seeing each other, he certainly presented his marriage in a specific light. I wanted to believe it because I wanted to see the best in him, not exactly as an ego thing or because I was expecting him to leave her. Stupid, really.

I now see that I got a hell of a lot of things wrong and I think, if it was disgusting what he was doing before, he sure as hell hasn’t learned anything and is still lying and living a totally inauthentic life. She thinks he’s ‘recommitted’ and he started lying to her again almost instantaneously. But I guess he thinks because he’s no longer shagging around it’s fine. For now.

It was horrific for me too and I deserved it for my terrible choice in that whole situation. I’d never do it again.

I understand why and agree with you totally. But actually this thread has been enlightening: don't get me wrong, the old stereotypes (regarding women) are there in force but many people seem to be opening their minds (a bit).

Ps. The thing you said about no word for Male Mistress was spot on.

Of course the man worked very hard to court the ow, but the OP's question was specifically about whether the ow believes the lies, not about the lying dick that uttered them.

There are many different types of OW & many different factors, but the type of women who plot, scheme and have zero consideration for anyone else are very real, not mythical figments of the imagination.

The cheater and the ow can share the blame 50-50, bore off and go fuck each other for all eternity.

the OP's question was specifically about whether the ow believes the lies, not about the lying dick that uttered them.

The question is always about the OW and not the lying dick. That's the point.

When a man prioritises his wants over his own family, we don't like it but we don't question it. We don't find it incomprehensible and puzzling.

Yet we will endlessly question and puzzle over why a woman would prioritise her wants over a commitment that isn't hers. We even claim that she's equally responsible for it (but she gets 99% of the blame).

It begs the question of what marriage is for if it doesn't create an obligation any greater than that of a stranger.

the type of women who plot, scheme and have zero consideration for anyone else are very real, not mythical figments of the imagination.

Sure, but they'd get absolutely nowhere if only the man keeps to his personal responsibility. It's his family. How can he not be more responsible than she is?

there must be some MM who don't lie? just say they fancy the lady but are "fairly" happy at home.

the OW then sees them just as a FWB type arrangement, a casual thing. Not everyone wants that MM to become their partner. Good for sex but clearly a lousy partner. (probably applies to tons of affairs where both partners married/on a discrete adults meet site. No great angst about having to justify it as AND WE FELL IN LOVE)

(and i am sure plenty of married men also sleep with male affair partners too, but no one calls those OM low value people or assumes its anything more than people fancying sex and some excitement)

I'm not referring to the OPs question. It would have been an interesting one had it not been largely rhetorical and self answered in subsequent posts where she waxes lyrical about the character traits she imagines OW must have. Its surely not possible to explore whether a person believes a lie, without at least some thought given to the liar, and how convincing they may have been, plus other factors that make them being believed more likely?
After all, it's only ever going to be speculation, projection and imagination when it comes to the OWs motives isn't it, given that few are going to join the thread to tell us, and spouses know no more about what's in her mind than they did about what was really in their cheating husband's.

The need to believe the OW is mostly if not wholly to blame is because the spouse has to believe it, to carry on with the marriage and do all the mental gymnastics it takes to believe their husband loves and respects them despite doing something so utterly unloving and disrespectful.

even if they choose to leave, they then have to face the full horror of how they didn’t really know their husband. That their shared history was built on lies. That they’ve spent so much of their life with someone who didn’t really exist. It’s utterly traumatic. Far better to believe it was some scheming harlot who cast a magic spell over him and made him do it.

Believing that the OW also fell for the man’s lies is to recognise a point of commonality as well which is unbearable. Both women have potentially been victims of this man’s dishonesty. It’s easier to dehumanise her and distance yourself as much as possible. That works both ways, for OW and betrayed spouses alike.

“how stupid she is, that she fell for it!”

erm, well you both did!

They attribute the most blame to the OW because they kind of have to to survive it. It doesn’t make it right. And they have to believe they are different.

It's still an interesting question to me, having had my family shattered by an OW deliberately targeting the man involved, despite her knowing full well the true situation (because the whole town knew) yet choosing to ignore the consequences for her own and other children, let alone the abandoned wife. She (the ow) and he continued for decades to gaslight, lie and pretend it didn't happen the way it actually happened, just like in hundreds of other cases on here and RL.

I think the OW chooses to create and believe her own reality, because she wants to.

Do you have an opinion on the hypothetical OM Slower?

So much victim blaming in this. I know loads of women who have been cheated on, myself included. I never blamed the OW in my case because she didn't know. I just left and accepted like you say that he wasn't who I thought and thank god I did because I'm married to a wonderful man now. I don't know why people think they can speak on behalf of all wives who have been cheated on though and add to the 'delusional wife' rhetoric, as though she is only cross with the OW because its less painful than blaming her husband. Truth be told, when women are reacting this way its because the OW has been disgusting, has shown cruelty and malice in a way the wife can't comprehend. We need to start being kinder to the wives not ALWAYS look for a reason they somehow are more to blame than the OW.

Honestly not victim blaming at all - more opining as to why it’s easier to blame the OW over and above the husband.

I mean, in my, albeit minimal, experience of men that cheat- they are all a bit shit in the first place. I’ve never heard of an affair and thought “oh bloody hell, I can’t believe it. He was such a pillar of the community and the husband to rival all husbands”. Most of them have more red flags than a Manchester United game.

So maybe whilst we are on this misogynistic bollocks and blaming women for everything, why don’t you ask the wife why they wed and had children with such a waste of space in the first place? They clearly fell for the lies as well…..

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻.

I'm not blaming the OW, I fully blame my husband.
I do hold her accountable as well though as she knew myself and my children existed and didn't give a shit. Even said as much!
She wasn't innocent by any stretch of the imagination, and continued to try and contact him.

Tell me how I cannot possibly also take issue with her?

As I said previously, it's not a sexes thing here for me, it's shitty humans irrespective of the sex.

Yes it's always the women's fault. Ever since Eve 'tempted' Adam away from the garden of Eden, this sort of mentality has been embedded across cultures.

It's astonishes me that in 2024 people are still coming out with this claptrap demonising 'the OW' as if they are all the same.

Going by the logic of OP's post, if the OW is an idiot for falling for the man's lies, then surely that would make the wife an even bigger idiot for marrying him in the first place? This mentality of always blaming women is nonsensical.

This thread is absolutely repulsive. Yes it's awful to be cheated on (I've experienced it many times) but the way some of you are talking about the 'OW' is disgusting. Talking about how women should support other women then calling OW low value or poor quality. Put the blame FULLY on your shitty DH or DP who decided to cheat! Though with some of the responses here I'm not surprised they looked elsewhere!

I don't 'blame' the OW but I dislike them immensely. I think they are horrible people who only care about themselves.

Some of them simply don't care and get off on the fact another woman's man wants them. Talking from personal experience here they are ballsy as fuck and when it implodes on them they are very good at playing the victim 😂

Yes, this 100%

BOTH women fell for the man's lies

'OW deliberately targeting the man involved'

You make it sound as though the man was a poor helpless victim