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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that ow genuinely fall for the lies their men spin?

315 replies

aimans · 13/02/2024 22:11

Men who have affairs, leave or are kicked out, destroy their children's mental health, speak awfully about their wives/exes , ignore/ let down their kids regularly especially when an offer of sex/ drink etc comes up?
The majority of us know that these men are shit in every way but do you really think that their OW's believe their bullshit or underneath it all, are cut from the same cloth?

OP posts:
Mutters123 · 16/02/2024 08:58

Workworkandmoreworknow · 15/02/2024 22:05

The breakdown of a marriage no matter how it goes is going to be hard on everyone

you genuinely have no clue. It’s a lot easier to manage when there’s a warm body in the bed next to you. When there’s someone rooting for you and supporting you. Far easier when there’s 2 wages coming into your household and you’re not the one left managing the mortgage of a property bought on the back of two full time salaries. Even better when you’re that much further ahead in the process mentally and just seamlessly moving on. Really so much easier when you’re not the one listening to your children cry and having to answer their why did daddy leave me questions. Great that you get half your time (and usually more) child free to have long lie ins with that new partner; not so great when your children are away for the night and return with stories of carefree time and pretty girlfriends.

@Workworkandmoreworknow

Thats a bit of an assumption to make! I have been through a divorce so I know exactly what it’s like.

I think you’ve misunderstood my post. Of course it’s much easier for people to leave if they have somewhere to go to. What I’m saying is that men will be vilified for leaving regardless of whether there is someone else to go to or not so many will line someone else up before they go. Whether it’s right or wrong it’s what happens. Many women do this too but I know more women who have left marriages with nobody lined up than I do men.

Mutters123 · 16/02/2024 09:00

MidnightMeltdown · 15/02/2024 23:13

It's basically a form of dating while still married. He wants to know that the new relationship is worth it before leaving his family.

Why leave before having a new relationship all set up? He would still get all the grief for leaving his kids, but none of the benefit and someone to support him when he leaves.

It's not fair, but most men think like this.

Show quote history

Exactly this!

MissTrip82 · 16/02/2024 09:03

So weird that so many women are being left for
poor quality low value women.

The misogyny on this thread is off the charts. Ironic really given how much societal misogyny plays into men having affairs.

NonPlayerCharacter · 16/02/2024 09:04

MountainBarbie · 16/02/2024 08:55

Disturbed for believing the OW isn't responsible for her part, dangerous for defending it in such a black and white, emotionally unintelligent way that you truly believe the MM is the only one at fault. I think the OW is in many ways worse, maybe because I'm a huuuuuge misogynist or maybe because as women we all know what each other goes through being a woman on a daily basis and the OW laughing at you, making fun of your life crumbling whilst she enjoys what you think you have feels like a very deep betrayal. You can lose many partners in life, but losing the sisterhood ( and I know people like you don't believe in that because it then excuses shitty behaviour by women to other women ) is a far bigger loss. Who do you turn to when you're heartbroken if you can no longer trust other women to get it? No wonder women so often take their own lives when they have been terrorised into such crippling loneliness, but its fine the OW is blameless. As for the man being rewarded with cheating sex, I don't consider that much of a prize? Says a lot about your thinking if you think cheating sex is a big reward for him. I think it's quite gross and undermines healthy sexual relations with loving intentions. It minimises the pathetic sod to a jumble of animalistic urges and a lack of self control. 'More cheating sex' isn't a reward.

Show quote history

There's actually no point attempting to reason with this level of hypocrisy, delusion, fiction, reductiveness, misogyny, fury and sheer lack of paragraphs.

I hope someday you can learn to hold men responsible for themselves and their commitments. And not see cheating men as agents of justice for their OW. You're far from alone on here in thinking that, but that one really, really sticks in my craw whenever I see it.

menopausalmare · 16/02/2024 09:05

I think a lot of women are unable to spot a badd'n, whether they be the 'first' or the OW. In my office, there are two single mums doing their best to raise their children and the stories they tell about their exes are awful. I don't see how they didn't spot this before having children.

Mutters123 · 16/02/2024 09:07

As someone who was cheated on I’m genuinely curious to know whether some posters have been shocked to find out that their husbands had been having an affair.
I’ve never known a situation where the couple were blissfully happy and the wife finds out and has no idea.
The majority of the time it is obvious and ie certainly was in my case. He was out all the time, less interested in the family, snappy, looking to cause arguments. Looking back now if I had been older and a bit more mature I would have seen the red flags and not married him in the first place. We were never suited and this is ultimately the reason the marriage ended, not the affairs. This is a far more healthy way to look at it rather than getting bitter etc. Yes he’s been a shit dad but now my DC are adults that’s between them and him. I see so many posts on here full of anger and bitterness and it’s such a waste of energy.

MountainBarbie · 16/02/2024 09:08

PhoenixStarbeamer · 16/02/2024 08:52

@MountainBarbie thank you. My facebook used to say where I worked (doesn't now) and she came to my work with her kids and refused to leave. On another occasion she stopped her car to confront me when I was with my young nephew. It was absolutely awful. Will always wish I'd never told her. I developed awful anxiety. He tried contacting me a few times in the years that past via Facebook and instragram and he got blocked.

Edited
Show quote history

This is awful. I have been cheated on but the woman had no idea and I had no ill feeling towards her at all. The wife should never have done this to you. You did the right thing by telling her, I was so glad to know and it made me feel better to know the woman wasn't complicit or taking the piss out of me with him. I'm sure most people would be so grateful for you telling her. He sounds absolutely disgusting I hope you're well rid.

CwmYoy · 16/02/2024 09:10

@NecessaryNC24

Keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better,

But it's nonsense.

Why would it make me feel better? What an odd remark - words hit home perhaps and you recognised yourself.

Married for nearly 50 years and no OW on the horizon so far. Have a few desperate friends who have shagged married men then find they move on after leaving their wives using them as an excuse.

Then they marry someone younger and prettier.

And remember - when a man married his mistress he creates a vacancy.

MountainBarbie · 16/02/2024 09:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NonPlayerCharacter · 16/02/2024 09:11

And remember - when a man married his mistress he creates a vacancy.

This misogynistic turd, which was itself originally coined by a misogynistic turd, needs to die a death too.

5128gap · 16/02/2024 09:16

MountainBarbie · 16/02/2024 08:43

Experiences like this are very different and I hope you know the posts against OW on this thread aren't talking about you at all. You may have technically been one but if you truly believed he was virtually single and childless you are absolutely as much a victim as the wife is. Hope you're okay now.

Show quote history

Yes, experiences are very different aren't they? Yet somehow there's thread after thread about OW, where every women who has a relationship with a married man is reduced to a stereotype. A hideous clone. Repulsive, disgusting, amoral, desperate, untouchable (except by nice women's husbands seemingly), stupid, yet somehow smart and manipulative enough to coerce an otherwise faithful man to cheat on his wife.
And when people point out their experience of being an OW, its all, well yes, but...but that's different. It's those other other women we mean! Well what OW are they? Because I've known several women who've had affairs, and been cheated on myself. And never once have I thought what does he see in her? In every case its been obvious she's attractive, to him at least, or there's a spark. And in all but one case, the man worked very hard indeed to court her.
So to me, the question isn't why do women of a type that exist largely only in the imagination do this that or the other; its why do married men cheat. The constant focus on this mythical bogey woman does nothing to further our understanding of that.

daliesque · 16/02/2024 09:17

IremeB · 13/02/2024 22:33

It’s all got a bit Reddit/incel in here

”in heat” ? Yak

Hmm yes. I was the OW. I'm bright and certainly don't suffer from low,self,esteem.
I met a man through work and we became friends. That,friendship turned into more and we realised we wanted to be together, so he left his wife for me. We are still together, still happy and getting married later,this year.
Even though it's been over a decade his ex wife still maintains that we're just a fling, that he'll come crawling back to her and that im the devil incarnate.
I didn't care about her then. I don't care about her now. I also don't care for a relationship with his now adult children because as far as I'm concerned they are way too much like their stupid mother. My partner maintains a relationship with them and that's up to,him.
Sometimes in life you meet someone under less than ideal circumstances 🤷‍♀️

NonPlayerCharacter · 16/02/2024 09:19

5128gap · 16/02/2024 09:16

Yes, experiences are very different aren't they? Yet somehow there's thread after thread about OW, where every women who has a relationship with a married man is reduced to a stereotype. A hideous clone. Repulsive, disgusting, amoral, desperate, untouchable (except by nice women's husbands seemingly), stupid, yet somehow smart and manipulative enough to coerce an otherwise faithful man to cheat on his wife.
And when people point out their experience of being an OW, its all, well yes, but...but that's different. It's those other other women we mean! Well what OW are they? Because I've known several women who've had affairs, and been cheated on myself. And never once have I thought what does he see in her? In every case its been obvious she's attractive, to him at least, or there's a spark. And in all but one case, the man worked very hard indeed to court her.
So to me, the question isn't why do women of a type that exist largely only in the imagination do this that or the other; its why do married men cheat. The constant focus on this mythical bogey woman does nothing to further our understanding of that.

Show quote history

I'm an OW as well, apparently. Because you can't hold a married man responsible for himself unless you shag one. I'd forgotten about that one, it's been a couple of weeks since I heard it.

NecessaryNC24 · 16/02/2024 09:23

Yes I'm apparently an OW 🤣. Because if you're not you can have only one herd-mentality opinion 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Rather than just having lives a life and understood the complexities of relationships. I've been cheated on and divorced him. But I blamed him totally, he was the one who made the vows 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Plus I don't feel the need to cons

NecessaryNC24 · 16/02/2024 09:24

Sorry didn't finish

--Don't feel the need to constantly bring down other women

.--

NonPlayerCharacter · 16/02/2024 09:29

NecessaryNC24 · 16/02/2024 09:23

Yes I'm apparently an OW 🤣. Because if you're not you can have only one herd-mentality opinion 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Rather than just having lives a life and understood the complexities of relationships. I've been cheated on and divorced him. But I blamed him totally, he was the one who made the vows 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Plus I don't feel the need to cons

Ah, but I'm also unhinged, disturbed and dangerous. Therefore I win!

NecessaryNC24 · 16/02/2024 09:31

It's official NPC wins the thread 🏆

manipulatrice · 16/02/2024 09:37

Mutters123 · 16/02/2024 09:07

As someone who was cheated on I’m genuinely curious to know whether some posters have been shocked to find out that their husbands had been having an affair.
I’ve never known a situation where the couple were blissfully happy and the wife finds out and has no idea.
The majority of the time it is obvious and ie certainly was in my case. He was out all the time, less interested in the family, snappy, looking to cause arguments. Looking back now if I had been older and a bit more mature I would have seen the red flags and not married him in the first place. We were never suited and this is ultimately the reason the marriage ended, not the affairs. This is a far more healthy way to look at it rather than getting bitter etc. Yes he’s been a shit dad but now my DC are adults that’s between them and him. I see so many posts on here full of anger and bitterness and it’s such a waste of energy.

You're describing me.

I had no idea at all and was completely blindsided by the whole thing. I thought we were in an incredibly happy and secure marriage. I found out by total accident.
My world shattered.
It does happen.

PinkyFlamingo · 16/02/2024 09:38

My DH of 24 years left me last year. I didn't see it coming at all. It was for a fellow student in his course who was 15 years younger. I had met her, they were friends. She knew he was married, she knew we had our boys. I came home from work one day and he told me he was moving in with her. And he did, and it's been a nightmare since as he's trying to destroy me emotionally and financially. Of course I blame him. But there's no point in saying I don't wonder what kind of woman she really is

NecessaryNC24 · 16/02/2024 09:48

PinkyFlamingo · 16/02/2024 09:38

My DH of 24 years left me last year. I didn't see it coming at all. It was for a fellow student in his course who was 15 years younger. I had met her, they were friends. She knew he was married, she knew we had our boys. I came home from work one day and he told me he was moving in with her. And he did, and it's been a nightmare since as he's trying to destroy me emotionally and financially. Of course I blame him. But there's no point in saying I don't wonder what kind of woman she really is

I'm sorry that happened to you but fundamentally does it matter who he cheated with? It was obviously something he was open to, if it wasn't her it would be someone else. You could drive yourself mad ruminating on the whys and wherefores, ultimately he chose to do that to you.

Again I'm sorry because I do know how much it hurts.

missshilling · 16/02/2024 09:55

manipulatrice · 16/02/2024 09:37

You're describing me.

I had no idea at all and was completely blindsided by the whole thing. I thought we were in an incredibly happy and secure marriage. I found out by total accident.
My world shattered.
It does happen.

Show quote history

It happened to a friend of my husband. One morning he and his wife were chatting about the birds in the garden when she suddenly announced that she was leaving him. It came completely out of the blue. She moved in with another man (who was also married) the same day.

MountainBarbie · 16/02/2024 10:00

5128gap · 16/02/2024 09:16

Yes, experiences are very different aren't they? Yet somehow there's thread after thread about OW, where every women who has a relationship with a married man is reduced to a stereotype. A hideous clone. Repulsive, disgusting, amoral, desperate, untouchable (except by nice women's husbands seemingly), stupid, yet somehow smart and manipulative enough to coerce an otherwise faithful man to cheat on his wife.
And when people point out their experience of being an OW, its all, well yes, but...but that's different. It's those other other women we mean! Well what OW are they? Because I've known several women who've had affairs, and been cheated on myself. And never once have I thought what does he see in her? In every case its been obvious she's attractive, to him at least, or there's a spark. And in all but one case, the man worked very hard indeed to court her.
So to me, the question isn't why do women of a type that exist largely only in the imagination do this that or the other; its why do married men cheat. The constant focus on this mythical bogey woman does nothing to further our understanding of that.

Show quote history

Of course they're different this poster had no idea MM had children and believed he was separated? She hasn't just willingly been with a man who has a family at home and boasted about him being with her whilst his poor wife was trying to find out where he was, believing he was faithful and finding delight in knowing he wasn't. Of course they're very very different hence my response to this poster.

NecessaryNC24 · 16/02/2024 10:00

ItLiterallyJustSaysFoldInTheCheese · 14/02/2024 07:48

FFS this thread is so depressing!

The line so many trot out on here is 'oh, it's the married man at fault, that's where the blame lies'. But no... here we have what you really think! Let's blame the 'poor quality' woman who has snared the helpless man away from his family.

Why is there no term for a male 'mistress'? Because we should all paint the picture of a harlot woman who let down the entire female sex by sleeping with a guy who's already 'taken'.

To be clear - both parties are at fault (except for situations where one has been genuinely hoodwinked).

However, I do think there are so many nuances when it comes to the why. Some fall in love with this forbidden fruit, some just want the thrill of the sex, some may want something else. The 'OW' is not necessarily falling for his bullshit, sometimes they see through it entirely but aren't bothered because they're not in it to steal them away, it's just temporary fun. Immoral, heartless yes of course, but it's not always about wanting the man for themselves.

Don't know how I missed this post before but it's brilliant, and I agree ☝🏻.

5128gap · 16/02/2024 10:01

The thing is, no one ever knows what goes on in someone else's head. And as much as you think you know someone, unless you're together 24/7 they are likely to have a whole other self that you know nothing about. The way men behave at work and socially, the things they say, the way they act around other women, I doubt very much their wives would recognise that version of them. And that's the side of them that has the affair, the one you don't see with the private thoughts you're never going to be party to. Which is why it can be such a shock. But also why when people claim to know for sure their partner wouldn't cheat its a little naive.

testingsquared · 16/02/2024 10:06

PinkyFlamingo · 16/02/2024 09:38

My DH of 24 years left me last year. I didn't see it coming at all. It was for a fellow student in his course who was 15 years younger. I had met her, they were friends. She knew he was married, she knew we had our boys. I came home from work one day and he told me he was moving in with her. And he did, and it's been a nightmare since as he's trying to destroy me emotionally and financially. Of course I blame him. But there's no point in saying I don't wonder what kind of woman she really is

@PinkyFlamingo that's a long time to be married. I'm sorry that has happened to you. I totally understand why you would wonder what sort of woman she is. After such a long shared life together, with DC, with all those memories, what is it about her that made him give all that up?