AIBU to think that I should be financially rewarded for DH working overtime?

[WhatsMyUsername89]

Very controversial this and I know I’m going to sound like a spoilt brat.

DH works a well paid job; I work part time (4days hrs compressed into 3, so LONG hours) and the rest of the week is spent with 2year old DC.

We do financially ok, can afford 1 holiday a year.

DH has started doing overtime every Saturday and has started going “on call” of an evening. He doesn’t get called out every evening but when he does he usually is out for a solid 5/6hrs.

So he’s working much more, which means I am also subsequently putting more of a shift in to support him working more. Household chores, childcare, making dinners etc etc

now because of this extra work DH got a SUBSTANTIAL more amount of money in his pay packet, which he says “is for the family”

However, I don’t actually ever SEE any of the money? He will buy me clothes, pay for meals out etc. but I never have been given any finances. I would never ask him to buy me something (DC yes).

because I am part time, my money is much less than before DC - however bills are split fairly!

so I feel put out, he’s working more and reaping the financial rewards. I am working more (childcare,household chores etc) and not seeing any reward except an occasional Nando’s and a pair of pyjamas.

I’ve told him that he should really appreciate how much him working more has an effect on me, but he just laughs and says DC are in bed so no issues.

I am unable to do any overtime in my job so can’t even do that.

id just love an extra £100 to get my nails done or a facial or something to CHOOSE to spend my money on.

AIBU to think that I should be financially rewarded for DH working overtime? - if yes how on EARTH do I approach this convo.

I agree with your friend, in a way. If a spouse/ partner has no interest in working their way up and is perfectly happy remaining in a junior role or lower paid job that is absolutely their choice. It’s not a choice that I feel should be heavily subsidised by a more ambitious, higher earning spouse/ partner though.

She isn’t doing 2 full time jobs or providing free labour. It’s a silly mumsnet statement suggesting people are providing free labour by partaking in their own life looking after their own children. Yes finances should be equal and she’s doing more than half the house work, but she works part time and then does more than her fair share at home, so finances should be equal. There’s no ‘free labour’ or ‘free childcare’. Yes he would have to pay a cleaner and childcare if they were separate, but they aren’t. This doesn’t make OP an unpaid slave.

Spacecowboys · Today 19:06

I spoke to a friend who thinks the opposite, as she thinks if someone has worked their way up - promotions- paid for education to get higher roles; why should they been entitled to the same amount as someone who maybe didn’t want to climb the ladder. Friend thinks the fairest way is for DH to top my wage up to what it would be if I was to be “full time” at work….. which I kind of understand!
I agree with your friend, in a way. If a spouse/ partner has no interest in working their way up and is perfectly happy remaining in a junior role or lower paid job that is absolutely their choice. It’s not a choice that I feel should be heavily subsidised by a more ambitious, higher earning spouse/ partner though.

It would be a pretty shitty partner who'd sit back and allow their spouse to struggle while they were rolling in it.

Higher earners tend to pay more of the household bills. There’s a big difference between a spouse who is ‘struggling’ and one who feels they have the right to the same disposable income as their partner who earns 100k whilst they earn 20k. I don’t believe op said she was struggling anyway ? She was wanting £100 for her nails done. There isn’t really a right and wrong when it comes to finances, couples can do whatever works for them. Thankfully we’ve always been on the same page.

Well, sure. And then he can stop doing any overtime since childcare wouldn’t be open. If you’re just thinking balancing it to both full time what your gfriend is saying is you shouldn’t be financially lesser because you are caring for the family. I don’t know why she only takes that up to 9-5, but then he also chooses to work say 3 evenings and you are stuck home on your own and she thinks that’s not something that should be balanced?

O. M. G.
All Bills Split fairly?????????
YOU are Enabljng HIM to Work EXTRA.. By taking away childcare responsibilities.
Try Googling Nanny fees per hour AND CHARGE HIM!!!!!!!!!!! ( for the hours of childcare you put in)

It's a partnership - why would you need different amounts of money... It makes no sense. Usually in a family everyone pulls together ti make it work.

My parents argued over money for 55 years, what a bloody waste. Dh and I share money and not one argument - we decide how money is spent.
Share household money, allocate equal spending money for both you and your dh, and decide together how you are going to spend the extra money - ie be financially responsible grown-ups and move on.

If you do not have access to that money, this is controlling behaviour. He is treating you like a nanny and flatmate rolled into one. Both your money should go to one joint account, bills go out and you both get an equal allowance for personal use. What's left is your savings for holidays, kids needs etc. My ex did similar to me when I earned next to nothing compared to him, but was expected to pay same share of bills and do lions share with kids and around the house. Admittedly, he did not do overtime to boost the funds, but he did spend on himself..you need to just be honest and tell him how you're seeing this.

I think if you continue on this line of though you are going to breed resentment between you and your partner. Just because you aren't getting his money doesn't mean you aren't reaping the rewards of it. If you don't like it get a better job yourself and hire a cleaner/nanny/gardener or whatever it is that you need.

I wonder if there’s a generational aspect. I don’t know anyone in rl ( except my parents) who have all money in one pot.

We put everything in a pot together and pay bills out of that then have separate pots for each family member's expenses (like kids clubs, clothes etc). We all get the same. In fact that's from my partner working and me staying home. I do have a little work from home job that I can do as and when I am not with the kids, that money goes into a holiday fund.

The thing is you don't want a joint pot which to me would be the fair way to resolve it. Anyway I do think it would be fair for you to be given more. I see it that the effort spent on the family unit goes into the pot so why not the money also?

I really don't understand why loads of people don't put wages in a joint account when married. Surely when married then everything is shared.
Our wages go in a joint account- childcare, mortgage, shopping, days out comes out of that. Generally either of us buying something we want comes out of that no questions asked. If we want to buy something big we discuss it. We have our own accounts that we will transfer small amounts to for things like each others Christmas and birthday presents.

Why? What have I said that implies this?

People commenting “uhh he’s doing the work it’s his money” are completely missing the point. He wouldn’t have the opportunity to get this extra money if OP wasn’t contributing more to the home and childcare. He should put it in a family pot to split fairly, stop doing it or pay for formal childcare.

So I have spoken with DH. Told him how I felt; I think at first he was a bit shocked as he does spend a lot of his money on the family (days out, trips, meals out etc) so was confused. However he did go away and think about it (which usually is how he operates!)

& he has said he understands where I'm coming from. We won’t be putting all money in the joint account, which is my decision as I personally believe this will cause tension within our relationship.

DH is going to put 50% of his actual monthly pay (including OT) into our joint account & whatever the extra is on top of his usual contribution I will take off how much I put in the joint account.

This is something I am happy with :)

I just don’t see that earning money should be a power thing - with someone you are married to having more/less than you. What would you need separate money for if you’re living the same life ? I mean I have girl’s trips, nights out etc but these aren’t huge costly things so why wouldn’t mind money go into the family pot for the benefit of us all?? Before kids we had our own money but now I’d be furious if my husband had a stash of cash … why would he need it ??

And you sound unhinged...

Also, I assume you meant manipulative? Not manipulated, which has the opposite meaning?

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect access to the increased wages. My husband has always earned more than me. I worked full-time all our married life and he paid the bills out of his account while I bought food, anything to do with the children and 'extras' like Christmas and birthdays. He has been able to save a substantial amount over the years (he is vague about how much although I've asked on a number of occasions) but I have no access to those savings, which he uses for things like house maintenance or big event. I always have to ask, sometimes more than a few times and he decides whether we can do it. He literally cannot see that the savings are 'ours' not just his to dole out as he sees fit because he was only able to save as I worked throughout. We've been married nearly 47 years and it still annoys me! Have that conversation and soon.

You'd be furious if your dh had his own savings?

Why would he need his savings, or would I need my own? for us we have one account- all money goes in, all bills come out, and all spare money goes on holidays etc. - we're completely relaxed about money and would only ever encourage the other one to spend money if they want to. If one of us was hard up and not able to do things and the other had savings to us it wouldn't make sense at all.

Which works for you as a couple. Not everyone feels the same way and there’s nothing wrong with that. If my spouse/ partner was furious because I had my own nest egg I’d find it worrying. Which just demonstrates how people are different. All money in one pot is not the only way to have a harmonious relationship. Each couple needs to find their own way of doing things, that they are both happy with. Sounds like op has achieved that now.

You know he is halving an affair, don’t you?

Oh the irony.. only a few threads up everyone is saying how important it is for the OP to have her own secret stash of cash. Pure MN misanthropy.