AIBU to think that I should be financially rewarded for DH working overtime?

[WhatsMyUsername89]

Very controversial this and I know I’m going to sound like a spoilt brat.

DH works a well paid job; I work part time (4days hrs compressed into 3, so LONG hours) and the rest of the week is spent with 2year old DC.

We do financially ok, can afford 1 holiday a year.

DH has started doing overtime every Saturday and has started going “on call” of an evening. He doesn’t get called out every evening but when he does he usually is out for a solid 5/6hrs.

So he’s working much more, which means I am also subsequently putting more of a shift in to support him working more. Household chores, childcare, making dinners etc etc

now because of this extra work DH got a SUBSTANTIAL more amount of money in his pay packet, which he says “is for the family”

However, I don’t actually ever SEE any of the money? He will buy me clothes, pay for meals out etc. but I never have been given any finances. I would never ask him to buy me something (DC yes).

because I am part time, my money is much less than before DC - however bills are split fairly!

so I feel put out, he’s working more and reaping the financial rewards. I am working more (childcare,household chores etc) and not seeing any reward except an occasional Nando’s and a pair of pyjamas.

I’ve told him that he should really appreciate how much him working more has an effect on me, but he just laughs and says DC are in bed so no issues.

I am unable to do any overtime in my job so can’t even do that.

id just love an extra £100 to get my nails done or a facial or something to CHOOSE to spend my money on.

AIBU to think that I should be financially rewarded for DH working overtime? - if yes how on EARTH do I approach this convo.

You should be paying in proportionately.

If he earns 5k a month, he’s putting in 2.5k leaving him a similar amount spends.

If you earn 1.5k a month and put in 750 he’s got a lot more personal spending money than you.

My wife and I have the same set up as OP and her husband- personal accounts plus joint account- and neither of us would ever use joint account money for 'selfish' purchases. Those come from our personal accounts. So OP's problem could be that her husband has plenty of 'selfish' money and she does not.

I find it weird you have children together and are married but your living separately financially. Surely it should all just go into one joint account for everything… bills spending

Yes, would be much better to leave yourselves with equal personal spending money. So given @ArseInTheCoOpWindow 's example, he'd pay in 4k per month and you'd pay in 500 per month, leaving you both with 1k per month in your personal accounts.

You sound incredibly martyrish

And tbh if you are trying to somehow make puy that it's okay that the OP doesn't have shared access to family money because you didn't, then posting about having shoes with holes in when you were pregnant isn't helping your cause

Your DH was incredibly financially abusive to make you wait on his beneficence when you had holes in your shoes

You are married. Everything he has is yours, and vice versa. It’s his job to provide for you and your family. My partner regularly will give me money to get my hair done, nails done, etc because he knows it’s important for me and wants me to feel good about myself. I support him by keeping a home. I also work and have my own money but he takes care of most things financially.
Don’t settle for this crusty behaviour. You are his queen and should be treated as such!

The reason my wife and I don't do this is because we'd both feel we had to ask the other about every single non-essential/non-family based purchase. Having personal accounts as well as a joint account means I don't feel guilty buying my 1000th book and my wife doesn't feel guilty buying her 1000th shirt. But a joint account is essential for the majority of purchases, I agree.

And if it puts the OP off doing all of the extra parenting and housework that she's having to pick up for no additional reward, then the DH wouldn't be able to do the overtime

As the higher earner in our house I prefer that when I gain my DH gains, but that's just me. If you don't have kids then by all means have all your extra money, but the OPs DH is getting the time to do this off her free labour.

Yes - it's the difference between equity and equality. The impact on both needs to be the same, not the amount..

You keep 50% of your wage for things like gym memberships? Why can't you pay for your nails / facial out of that?

If he's putting in 50%of his earnings then is this not 50% of his new earnings so there's more in the joint account?

If he's spending the money on the family then I don't see the issue.

I think the key is: are you personally struggling because of his choice to work overtime?

If so, why? Is it because you are doing more around the house than usual to support this overtime? If so, he has 2 choices: 1, he has to go over and above on other days maintaining the house/childcare to ensure he is still splitting household tasks fairly, but he can keep his money as his. 2, he agrees you are doing more to support the house and so a portion of that overtime money (I wouldn't care how much) goes to you to recognise your extra effort.

If you just don't like it because you want fancy things, tell him that openly and accept if he says no. If I were you, I would go full time too, tell him to contribute half to the new childcare costs, and keep the surplus of money you get from working full time too and spend it to ensure you are getting the quality of life you want.

As the higher earner, if you had kdis and wanted to work long hours that is only possible if your partner looks after them. I’m the higher earner. I can’t work longer hours though eg take morning meetings without getting Dh to start work late to take the kids. He enables me and I him. If I kept more of my income I’d fully deserve divorce papers and the end to having flex in my career.

@Codlingmoths @dimllaishebiaith @NotReadyForSlipperz @Goldbar

I noticed similar replies to my comment. I 100% understand what you're saying (also why I highlighted that i don't have kids, and said I get the OP's point). I was just trying to explain feelings that OP's partner might have.

He might think: well, she's looking after the children anyway.
Or, that if he wasn't working he would be doing his own hobby or watching the TV

He might think that she gets enough "benefits" from the overtime, in terms of more days out etc.

I think there is a mental adjustment you have to go through when you're a higher earner, working extra and then giving money to a partner. Maybe he hasn't gone through that adjustment yet? For example, he might not actually see/realise/think about/value the extra hours OP needs to put in with the kids. Or he might give it a lower value than his "work". I'm not saying that's right, I'm just saying that might be how he feels.

It's quite simple.

If his income has increased he should be contributing more to the bills roo.

That way you both have enough left over.

I suggest you get yourself a weekend job too and also keep the money for yourself.

Depending on who knew what, it may not have been abusive. But if there is a pregnant woman in the family unit with holes in her shoes, something has gone very wrong somewhere.

I am on my second marriage and both times we just paid our wages in to a joint bank account to share, I’ve been a stay at home mum, part time worker and now full time worker with blended family and teens and different financial circumstances along the way. Sharing finances, which does require mutual respect so no one goes and blows it all, is the only fair way. I couldn’t be in a marriage where there was financial inequality and I was at a disadvantage for raising kids.

Dp do the 50% of our wage thing but we're no married and no dc.
Given that you've taken a hit to birth and look after his child, I'd expect to have one family account with equal spending money at least until you're back to work ft.
Either that or send him a bill for the
Childcare you do ;)

I don’t understand why you have separate finances. Pool family money.

The alternative is you price up full time childcare for your DC, work full time and he pays half.

So we both put 50% of our wage into our joint account for bills etc.

You're married. Why doesn't 100% of both your earnings go into the joint account?

It seems like an odd arrangement to me.

Why not put his and your wages in one bank account ...one pot, take out what is needed for bills and split the rent 50/50. That's how you make a marriage work

She's working and obviously earning less because she's taking care of their DC.

@WhatsMyUsername89 wanting to have your nails done is absolutely ok! Please don’t buy into the narrative of hardworking man going out to work to pay for your nails! Your husband is only able to go out to work extra hours because you are providing the childcare for him to do so! And to be honest, as lovely as I’m sure your child is, he has the easier job! And all the credit! Book your nails if that’s important to you x

He might think: well, she's looking after the children anyway.
Or, that if he wasn't working he would be doing his own hobby or watching the TV

I mean if he did think that that would probably be the perfect example of a shit father!

I think there is a mental adjustment you have to go through when you're a higher earner, working extra and then giving money to a partner.

I get what you are saying I just find it a bit wierd because it never occurred to me as the higher earner to go through this mental adjustment but totally accept everyone is different

If your system has always been that you both put 50% of your earnings into the joint account, then keep the other 50% in your personal accounts ……. Then the same should apply to overtime pay.

I’d refuse if he wants to keep all his overtime pay (whilst expecting you to facilitate this by doing free childcare/housework). And just throwing you crumbs when he decides to.

I would suggest you go back to working 5 days per week. He stops overtime. Even things back out again.

You should not be paying 50%. Each adult gets a set amount per month for spends then the rest in joint account, surplus to saving or holiday funds.

My DH works a lot of overtime and the money is put into the joint account, we each keep £250 a month for our spends.