AIBU to think that I should be financially rewarded for DH working overtime?

[WhatsMyUsername89]

Very controversial this and I know I’m going to sound like a spoilt brat.

DH works a well paid job; I work part time (4days hrs compressed into 3, so LONG hours) and the rest of the week is spent with 2year old DC.

We do financially ok, can afford 1 holiday a year.

DH has started doing overtime every Saturday and has started going “on call” of an evening. He doesn’t get called out every evening but when he does he usually is out for a solid 5/6hrs.

So he’s working much more, which means I am also subsequently putting more of a shift in to support him working more. Household chores, childcare, making dinners etc etc

now because of this extra work DH got a SUBSTANTIAL more amount of money in his pay packet, which he says “is for the family”

However, I don’t actually ever SEE any of the money? He will buy me clothes, pay for meals out etc. but I never have been given any finances. I would never ask him to buy me something (DC yes).

because I am part time, my money is much less than before DC - however bills are split fairly!

so I feel put out, he’s working more and reaping the financial rewards. I am working more (childcare,household chores etc) and not seeing any reward except an occasional Nando’s and a pair of pyjamas.

I’ve told him that he should really appreciate how much him working more has an effect on me, but he just laughs and says DC are in bed so no issues.

I am unable to do any overtime in my job so can’t even do that.

id just love an extra £100 to get my nails done or a facial or something to CHOOSE to spend my money on.

AIBU to think that I should be financially rewarded for DH working overtime? - if yes how on EARTH do I approach this convo.

Your update is still unfair.

Easiest way is to decide in am amount (say £500 each) as fun money. The rest goes into the joint. He's still much better off than you which begs the questions what's the point of marriage if your not going to be a partnership.

Yes you sound like a brat. He shouldn't have to "hand over" anything. Assess how much you put into your joint bills account - he should put in more and then that leaves discretionary money for you. Although to be fair OP it sounds like he's generous anyway... buying clothes and meals out etc. not sure what you're complaining about? Have you asked him for things like nails?

yes- You're quite right - I'm the opposite and wouldn't see the need for us to have separate pots. We do many separate things, but the funds are all together. I wouldn't find it fair if either of us had money and the other one didn't, but we are entirely relaxed about money. We've been in circumstances where we've had no money and where we have had more than we needed and pulled together in both situations.

I cannot get my head round why anyone in a loving partnership would be happy if their partner had their own savings. Savings you don’t have access to. Saving is important, but surely the fair and transparent thing is to get a joint account to save the money into, alongside the main joint account for bills and personal items?

It sounds like you've reached a compromise you're happy with.

Just bear in mind that you are right - him doing all of this overtime at no additional cost of childcare, is unpaid labour from you which does impact your ability to work more and be less financially dependent on him.

If you wanted to get a second job for more money then you would both have to contribute to the additional childcare, right.

I'm not a fan of marriages that don't manage joint finances, because there is more often than not an unfairness towards the woman.

But if you're happy with this for now then it's a good start.

I’m confused how this post has made you think this?

You either need to reassess your split of the bills or everything goes into one pot and you each spend accordingly.

Or tell him you need money for xyz if he asks why tell him you have none as you are paying 50/50.

Get your nails done and ask him for the money. Or inform him you need this amount.

There's no individuals in families.

The main thing is that he acknowledges that you are "working" as well as him, and your work is valuable. There are a million and one ways to split finances and personally I do think the "one pot" approach is fairer. But you are sadly further forward than many couples if at least he recognises that children and chores are joint responsibilities and you are facilitating him earning (and therefore entitled to financial recompense) if you do more than your share in this regard.

We have both. Joint account and joint savings for the house etc and individual ones. My other half doesn’t need to be aware of what I spend(waste) money on or what I save. Same for him obviously. It would also completely take the shine off Christmas presents etc if I could see on a statement that £300 went out to ghd ( as an example). Bit of a give away 🤣.

The joint account - what happens to the left overs once you've paid the bills etc?

We have just one pot which we have equal access to, but if you insist on doing it the way you do it, then why don't you put all money in to the joint account and then you each take out spending money each month and the joint account is used for the kid's clothes etc?

Where on earth did that come from??

You mean misandry.

You’re working two jobs: one part-time one, and one unpaid for a percentage of the childcare. I bet the childcare is more than 50% and I would be concerned that by not working full-time because of the childcare, you may be setting yourself up with a shortfall at retirement.
This is the reason you must have a conversation about money.
If you are doing more than 50% of childcare and/or housework, then you need to pool your resources, pay the bills and top up your pension out of the pooled amount and then agree on how much you want to save for your “joint future” and also for your joint “living fund” (replacement furniture or appliances Etc.)
With what is left, you need to agree an equal amount of “fun money” per week or month for each of you.
You can then spend your fun money on the occasional treat!

Many relationships are far from loving and equal, and the reality is that it's overwhelmingly women and children who are the victims of abuse and coercive control, often from previously "loving" and "caring" partners (aka the honeymoon phase). Having access to some resources can be the difference between getting out and not.

Pretending men and women are in an equal position in these circumstances is ludicrous when you listen to a friend telling you that after he punched the wall, she left the next day because she was afraid it would be her or the baby next.

So basically what happens in families where the lady never had any great savings when they got married and he can see that and starts paying for everything from day 1? Does he shares 50/50 all his savings with her and all his leftovers every month? And does it work that way in all relationships?

what happens when the daughters start growing up and start their feminine journeys, of wanting clothes and make up and going out, is it still the wife who claims she needs money for nails and spa?

So I've seen your update. Do you pay 50% of your respective wages to joint account or 50% of the cost of the bills? If 50% of respective wages, then he is paying the lions share and it changes my mind somewhat. If 50% of total cost of bills, it's slightly unfair.

It's a tricky one for sure 🤔 have you asked him for money? I would straight up ask him for money to do the things you mentioned and if he refuses explain why you feel this is unfair.

In my home out finances are entirely separate. I pay some things my partner pays the rest. If my partner was getting extra money I wouldn't see any of it either, but same in reverse if I get extra I don't share. Even when my kids were small I never looked at this the way you are so I never thought there was a problem. If I needed extra money I sold stuff on eBay 🤣 old clothes, makeup etc. vinted is now a great option too, loads of people selling on there. Maybe that would help you out when your wanting something extra out with the normal budget 🤔

I want to point out I'm not selling stuff that's needed or important to me. It's just stuff that should be decluttered anyway, I just take the time to see if someone would want it first.

Why are you approaching this like a business agreement? this is your husband and you’re a family. I couldn’t be with a man happy to have ££££ in “his” account while I was struggling and vice versa

Honestly I don't understand separate finances in a marriage. You have to be a partnership especially if you have children.

But, since you do, the only reason DH can work overtime is that you take care of the children/house/meals for him. If he refuses to share what he makes with you, then you need to only take care of the children/house/meals half time. He is responsible for them the rest of the time. You can then work more and have more of your "own" money to spend.

Bills need to be worked out fairly. Me and fiancé used to pay the same into the joint account, I dropped 10 hours when we had kids which means he earns more so pays more towards the bills now.

I don’t think he should be paying for your nails, but should be paying his fair amount so you can afford to pay for your own nails.

Your financial arrangements seem very strange to me OP, for a marriage and a family. I've always approached marriage and family as a joint venture, a partnership - we share everything, it all goes into one pot, and we each spend from that pot I used to earn far more than DH, and I had savings, he didnt (he just had debt!, I didnt!). But after DC, he now earns far more than me. We never think about it - we're a team, a married couple, a family, what's mine is his and vice versa.
(Would be very different if say one of us had loads of assets and the other none, when getting together in the first place. But thats a different scenario.)

My DH earns more than me, a lot more. We have a joint household account and separate bank accounts. I contribute a percentage to the joint account as does he based on our wages. What we have left over is ours. We have different hobbies, buy our own clothes, hair and things. Joint account used for bills, family holidays, trips and the DC. He works a few hours more than me a week and he is a football coach so I generally pick up the slack at home but he helps a lot and likes cooking so he will do tea most nights. If I want my nails doing, that’s on me. I don’t expect my husband to pay for anything that I need or want and it wouldn’t feel right either. I hate being floated. If I wanted a higher paid job I could probably get one but the job I have is in a school and I get all the holidays off with the kids. Never expect my husband to prop me up in anyway. He works hard as do I and we both contribute to the family pot equally. Whatever we both have left after that is ours, our own money.

So you are literally limiting your income in order to facilitate parenting your children and reduce your childcare bill

Meanwhile your DH gets to further his career and earn more as he doesn't have to worry about childcare

But he gets more money to spend whilst you get even more childcare to do to facilitate his hobby

If this suits you then fine, but it's not equality never mind equity. You might not want your DH to prop you up but you are sure doing a lot of propping up of him