AIBU to think that I should be financially rewarded for DH working overtime?

[WhatsMyUsername89]

Very controversial this and I know I’m going to sound like a spoilt brat.

DH works a well paid job; I work part time (4days hrs compressed into 3, so LONG hours) and the rest of the week is spent with 2year old DC.

We do financially ok, can afford 1 holiday a year.

DH has started doing overtime every Saturday and has started going “on call” of an evening. He doesn’t get called out every evening but when he does he usually is out for a solid 5/6hrs.

So he’s working much more, which means I am also subsequently putting more of a shift in to support him working more. Household chores, childcare, making dinners etc etc

now because of this extra work DH got a SUBSTANTIAL more amount of money in his pay packet, which he says “is for the family”

However, I don’t actually ever SEE any of the money? He will buy me clothes, pay for meals out etc. but I never have been given any finances. I would never ask him to buy me something (DC yes).

because I am part time, my money is much less than before DC - however bills are split fairly!

so I feel put out, he’s working more and reaping the financial rewards. I am working more (childcare,household chores etc) and not seeing any reward except an occasional Nando’s and a pair of pyjamas.

I’ve told him that he should really appreciate how much him working more has an effect on me, but he just laughs and says DC are in bed so no issues.

I am unable to do any overtime in my job so can’t even do that.

id just love an extra £100 to get my nails done or a facial or something to CHOOSE to spend my money on.

AIBU to think that I should be financially rewarded for DH working overtime? - if yes how on EARTH do I approach this convo.

Very early on in our marriage before we had DC, my DH used to do overtime three of four nights a week. It was very well paid but he wouldn't get home until after 10 pm or even later and I'd often have an early start in the morning.
I'd have been pissed off at spending most of my weekday evenings on my own, especially if he'd kept all the money for himself. His extra work affected me too, in several ways. But all our earnings went into a joint account so we both benefitted and I felt respected as an equal partner.

Maybe word it like this:

”When we agreed that I would reduce my salary and hours (in order to reduce our childcare bill) I still continued to put 50% of all my earnings into the joint account for the family to share. Now that you are increasing your hours and pay, is it not fair that you should continue to put 50% of all earnings into the family pot? If not, why not?”

Statistically men earn more than women so women are generally going to be disadvantaged by the 50% arrangement.

It needs to be the same amount each for spending every month.

I would just use the joint money for things like your nails. You said he is a good guy so surely he wouldn’t begrudge you?

The DH has not put a value on the childcare/home tasks/ career sacrifices she has made for the family.
He can only do this overtime because OP has taken a cut in her own working hours to care for the children and run the house.

She has therefore taken a financial hit immediately for the family's and his benefit due to the cut in NI payments into her pension and in her ability to add to her own savings.

For argument's sake, she could up her hours and do overtime herself but that would not facilitate his being on call in the evenings and working over time.

Added to that, she cannot make plans for herself in her non-childcare time for career training/fitness/ hobbies/ friendships and stick to them because he is on call and she'd frequently have to cancel. Her interests outside their children are restricted as a result.

She has made personal sacrifices which are not being recognised by the DH.

So if the overtime is a regular thing then the bills need to be looked at again and split fairly dependent on earnings. This means it'll free up some of your money to do with as you please. Yes he'll be paying more into bills than previously but I think it's wholly unfair to be reaping the benefits of overtime whilst one party doesn't have the ability to do so themselves (in your case you can't work overtime to allow you the same benefit).

This is what we do. My dh earns way more than me, but it all goes into one pot, each of us gets equal isa savings etc, and if we want to can buy anything each of us wants/needs without 'asking although we may mention it.
I wouldn't pay £100 for any beauty treatment personally but i know he wouldn't mind if I did. There'd be no 'well you spent this much do i need this much' because we're not tit fir tat petty.

It started sounding like you are both silly, but then you made your self look unreasonable.

You should have a joint budget you both know what is coming in and going out. You don’t mention what the extra money is going on, don’t you know? If he is saving it for emergencies then that would seem fine given the uncertain times we live in. If he has taken up gambling then that is not.

They you said:
“id just love an extra £100 to get my nails done or a facial or something to CHOOSE to spend my money on.”

Those are luxuries and makes me wonder if the reason you don’t have a joint budget is because you tend to prioritise those.

You both really need a joint budget and transparency. Your thought process seems odd, you may be assuming things that are not sensible but you only know with regular joint budgeting.

I think you are 100% NOT being unreasonable. I'd be livid.

You both put 5-% of your salary into the household bills but it's not clear if that is fair proportionately.
You have significantly LESS disposable income than he does?
You have no transparency on how much he earns?

That IS financial abuse.

At the very least, if he's paying half into the joint, that half should include half of his overtime.

But I really don't get this - you aren't paying for 2 days of childcare because you have taken the hit at work. And yet, you are still worse off AND he gets to swan off and do over time whenever he likes and benefit from it.

He sounds like a complete wanker. And lots of people on here will tell you it's fine but I think its disgusting.

I totally get you.

If he earns a significant amount more than you, surely its only fair that you pay less towards the bills (that would free up abit more money for you).

If you dont have the option to work more (no overtime available) and can’t for childcare reasons/running the house etc, then I dont think you should have to pay the same.

I earn alot less than DH and he would never expect me to contribute the same into the joint account (we have joint accounts for bills/mortgage/savings and seperate accounts for everyday spending money).

Sit down and work out a fair proportion that you should contribute to bills in line with what you bring home compared to him. You are doing all the unpaid work at home that allows him to work overtime shifts.

Where's the money going? Never mind who does what, it should be equal percentage wise (your income/his income).

Sounds like a roommate financial agreement, not like a couple

I don't understand keeping money separate, to be honest - why haven't you got a joint account? - of course, he's out of order - you could work more if he worked less.... he could help more around the house, and you could work more hours somewhere else e- if the money is for you as a family and you've agreed to him working more that's fine, if he's keeping the money and pulling less weight at home that's not good at all

Not really sure why you tagged me in that. Doesn’t answer either of the questions I asked OP either… which are 1) what is he spending that money on and 2) does she want to do overtime. Asked because she said she can’t do overtime in her job, like the job doesn’t allow for it. I agree though if that makes you feel better.

I don’t know what he’s spending it on, I think it’s probably just in his account. If I were to ask for money for something, he wouldn’t say no. I guess my issue is feeling like I have to ask for it!

Yes i would overtime, probably not as much as DH but I would like to do the odd extra evening hours to bump the wages up. However I don’t have that option because it’s not something my workplace offers! XX

So is the general consensus think that both parties should have the same “fun money” each month?

I spoke to a friend who thinks the opposite, as she thinks if someone has worked their way up - promotions- paid for education to get higher roles; why should they been entitled to the same amount as someone who maybe didn’t want to climb the ladder. Friend thinks the fairest way is for DH to top my wage up to what it would be if I was to be “full time” at work….. which I kind of understand!

Lol, this is so business like. Why can’t you just operate like a married couple?

YANBU.

I’m a nurse so would do 1-2 extra shifts a month, earning about £250 per extra shift, and I always gave 50% of it to my husband. In my eyes it was extra treat
money for both of us, not just me.

That sounds insane to me - I believe all money should go into a pot - if there's money left over that you can spend - spend it! - surely neither of you is so selfish you'd take all the money - you just behave fairly and as a partnership should.

Has he hated working his way up at work? does he work under duress because you won't go full-time? My husband has his own company and earns many, many more times than my pittance, but he can because I've allowed him to travel with his work, take chances and not have to worry about the family as much as I do, etc. He enjoys his work and is grateful I've given him an opportunity to do so.

Me and DH both have the same Fun Money each month. He works full time and I’m currently a SAHM.

Because they’re a partnership.

Yes as you describe, all income goes into joint account, all bills paid from there and family expenses. Set amount each month into each adults account for whatever personal items they want it haircuts clothes hobbies etc.
any surplus in joint account fed into joint savings account for holidays etc

Did you do the "traditional" vows when you got married?

I did amd I take them seriously and luckily so does my DH. So when I became disabled and had to give up work temporarily whilst I retrained to something I could do around the disability he took the "in sickness and in health" part seriously

And now I earn well over double what he does I take the "for richer for poorer" part seriously

What on earth is the point of a marriage if you are too busy working out what the other person is "entitled" to

Funny how it's only ever about equality (not equity) when it comes to money and not when it comes to parenting and housework. I bet you DH isn't as carefully counting minutes of those as closely as he counts pounds is he?

There's nothing loving, kind, or respectful about watching your spouse having to be frugal whilst you have extra cash. There is nothing kind, loving or respectful about watching your spouse take on the greater burden of home and child care whilst thinking that's worth nothing because domestic labour is undervalued.

Your bar needs to be higher.

I disagree with your friend, but if that's how you want it to work, fine.

The key thing though is that you both need to be appreciate for what you bring to the family. You are doing all this childcare that enables him to work, and he is clearly not seeing that as valuable. Point out that if he wanted to do this overtime and you could not do the childcare - because you're out with your friends or you're working yourself or whatever - he would have to pay for childcare.

He seems to just think you're there to facilitate him working and that you should be GRATEFUL?

You are not working part time you are doing two full time jobs. Your job and the second shift at home.

He could not do the overtime without the Labour you provide for free.