First CMS payment, new partner wants most of it

[Hipp0campus]

Getting a lump cms payment soon, first one for over 5 years!
Told DP of 7 years and hes asked for a majority of it, saying he needs to pay off debts as he's the only one with a CC and has kept me and DS supported for years ect.
I'm unwilling to help with the debts as our relationship is rocky and he constantly threatens to leave. I have had no say in the majority of things that went on the cc.
So
YABU help pay off a chunk of debts

YANBU You've waited 5 years for a payment from ex, don't give it to another man

Do you want to be with someone who constantly threatens to leave you OP?

It doesn't sound like good relationship.

It also sounds like he can't budget and that's why he built up the cc debt, seeing as you haven't racked up additional debt since you took over budgeting.

I would keep the money and seriously think about the future.

He's covered their expenses for a long time and now there's some money which is for the children, so yes, it can be spent on what they need. Why are you getting so het up?

@WildBear you are ignoring that OP was working until recently. She also covered costs.

Why does it have to be all or nothing, why can't you agree to cover the payment for a couple of months while you work out what was spent and work out a solution to the problem?

You say you don't want a credit card and have been clear about living within your means but that's just not true is it, as a family you've been racking up this whopping £12k debt between you because you aren't earning enough as a whole, which is mostly down to you as the non working/minimally working part of the family., then claim the debt has nothing to do with you. You said you've been using the card for food and uniforms so you know well and good the dire financial situation you are in, but you seem happy to blame him for it as the card that you've BOTH been using is in his name.

You even begrudge him a bottle of booze and a takeaway at the end of the month! I'm not surprised he wants to leave, it doesn't sound like you love or respect him at all.

God this whole situation is a shitshow.

I’m out… the OP is going to cherry pick the responses she wants. But at the end of the day she’s going to squirrel away this 3K and not realize how screwed up they both are financially.

Nothing will change.

@sandyhappypeople you have a really strange attitude. OP simply wants to live within her means and has done. Her DP does not and is happy to get into debt for a takeaway and alcohol. Why would you defend that?

We live on a low income and avoiding debt unless it is essential e.g. for beds or a cooker, is the only way you can keep your head above water. You certainly do not get into debt for takeaways and booze. That is irresponsible financially.

@Hipp0campus you know you have to keep this for your children. Continue to be a good mum and put them first.

I’m a single mum. The OP is in the wrong to keep all of the money.

@sandyhappypeople you have a really strange attitude. OP simply wants to live within her means and has done. Her DP does not and is happy to get into debt for a takeaway and alcohol. Why would you defend that?
So the £12k is absolutely all the dps whisky and take aways now? What a scoundrel!!

@Itslegitimatesalvage sorry to hear you would not put your kids first. Assuming you have read the thread that it is? OPs situation is very precarious.

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose you don't think it is easy to fritter away £1200 a year? It is only £23 a week.

no, if you read her posts, she's living within their means NOW .. but only because the credit card has now been maxed out so is no longer available to use, they should both have been living within their means before racking up £12000 of debt.. you do not get to that from a few bottles of booze and a takeaway a month and you can't blame your partner for it all when they've both obviously been having to use it for household money in lieu of getting better jobs or living within their means for 7+ years.

Three months of living within your means is completely irrelevant when you've spent 7+ years being absolutely shit with money and letting your partner pay for everything knowing full well that it's a credit card that is funding it, they've both buried their heads in the sand and it looks to me that OP is now ready to throw her partner under the bus because he's now ran out of money, but it's all his fault because he likes a takeaway every now and then.

Some partnership.

Why would it be £1200 a year?

@sandyhappypeople they are living within their means now because OP has taken over the budget and pays for everything while the DP just pays rent and his debt.
Before the DP spent money that the OP had no say over. She used to say to him they should not get takeaways. And it is not a lot of debt if you get a weekly takeaway and a bottle of whisky without having the income to support it.

OP is in a very precarious situation. Her DP has no loyalty to her and keeps talking about them splitting up. She also has no family support. You are suggesting she gives all this money to her DP and then potentially she is left with no money, no job, and the DP fucks off leaving her with the children, including a disabled child that needs extra care. She and her kids could end up homeless. She has to put them first. She has to be a good mum and put them first before her DP. Her DP is working and can look after himself.

Loving all the posters justifying why someone should keep a lump sum to themselves rather than repay some of the debt incurred on living costs…

@TwylaSands they have been together 10 years. But even over 7 years it is £33 a week. Very easy to spend on a weekly takeaway.

Just want to correct a few things here.

Before cc was maxed, I was still budgeting ect. He would run out of money and still does a week or so after payday, and then its up to me to cover the rest of the months outgoings. Before cc was maxed he used that. I was not with him when it was used most of the time, he did the occasional food shop and put a few pairs of shoes/ uniform for the kids on it over the course of 4 years.
Prior to that 4 years he had received a lump sum well into 5 figures.
None of that went into my debts, which I was struggling with more so because he had moved in with me, changing finances and financial situation re benefits as PP have mentioned.

He claims to be better at finances than me, but years have proven different. He point blank refuses to meal plan, saying it is pointless and won't help save any money.

I do 90% of the food shopping on the carers and benefits. I don't know where the rest of his money goes, I think he is genuinely just crap at budgeting and spending.

@Britpop123 If you had been a mum who is probably going to become single, with very little income and no family support, you would recognise that you have to put your kids first.

If I’d been building up debt paying for things and my partner wanted to squirrel away a lump sum I’d see that as pretty shitty. As would most of mumsnet if it was the man keeping the money.

@Hipp0campus please please please put your children first and keep this money.
It does not sound like the relationship is going to last anyway.

It sounds like he was using the cc for more than family food. £100- £200 on food and the odd uniform wouldn't have racked up those sort of cc bills. Then if you are paying your share of bills (apart from the last 6 months) you don't owe him anything.

Do ye have at least a good idea of who pays what amount out of the house? Ask to go through the cc statements and see what if anything was unfair for him. You aren't earning because ye have made a decision you need to stay at home

Op you’ve clearly made your mind up and you’re just dropping new things in now to justify it.

keep the money. I think it’s a shitty thing to do if the debt was built up on family things but you do you

@Britpop123 if the father was going to be the primary carer, had no job and no family support I would also be telling him to put his kids first.
The OP is in an incredibly precarious situation and things could go very badly wrong if she is not careful.

OP, you keep contradicting yourself. One minute he has been paying for school uniforms and food shops on the credit card for years, the next he done the odd £100-£200 food shop per month which you topped up, and he bought the occasional uniform over the last 7 years.

Which is it?

Money issues aside, you don’t seem to like this man very much, so it’s probably best to just call it a day. Then you, him, and more importantly, your kids can be happy.

You're contradicting yourself quite a lot here, first you said:

When times were tougher we put food shops and uniform on the cc, had to put a new TV on it as dc broke ours.

he did most of the food shops

now you're saying he did the occasional food shop and put a few pairs of shoes/ uniform for the kids on it over the course of 4 years.??

you also said:

When cc hit limit I took over meal planning, budgeting etc.

but now you're saying Before cc was maxed, I was still budgeting ect.

The crux of it is you've both been living beyond your means for years, it's easily done with credit cards, now that you have been forced to live within your means you're managing to do it, but you're both now in debt to your eyeballs, this isn't his problem, this is a family problem that has been built up over the years by both of you, I find it terrible that you're blaming it all on him when the only reason he's got the card in his name is because you're already in debt and have got a terrible credit score.

I don't think you should pay a lump sum off the card, but it would make sense to cover a couple of payments while you work out a plan of action. Assuming you want to stay together, you need to deal with this together, but you don't seem to operate as a team at all?

Your ex got you into debt I think? If it's really not working out with current partner perhaps it's time to move on.